Bloke needs to ask a few Q's

[Mr Miagi]

I had a confusing situation happen the other day, and I dont have many trusted blokes or ladies I can talk too about such issues!

 

For a number of months, I have been to different "events" through mutual friends with a woman I really get on with well. We dont have many hobbies in common, but we have a lot of fun when we are together regardless, in any situation. I should add to this post I thought I had discovered signs of interest, like light touching, starring, etc etc.

 

Well, its has been something like 3 years since I properly asked someone out. Im not the most confident bloke with women I start to fancy, and the last two attempts ended the same as this one, the friend zone. I desperately avoided this "super nice dude" persona this time, but remained my normal self.

 

The woman and I were talking online (I know I know), and we were talking about getting together alone to go and find some of our favorite desert, icecream cake! (I thought this was a cool idea for a date BTW!?)

 

We both had incompatible schedules, so I asked if she would mind me calling her on the weekend to organise something (was this a bad idea?). A short while later, I apologised for asking online, and her reply was she really loves meeting me out, and has a ball when we do, but she doesnt want and I quote "anything else".

 

I respected this, and thanked her for telling me now rather than latter, and it was good getting the "I wonder how she feels about me" question off my chest.

 

I cant help but wonder however, what, if anything, I did, or should have done to make this go smoother. Ive taken this as a learning curve to ask face to face from now on, and instead of sulking, im enjoying the mental freedom from not thinking about her as much.

 

Is it rediculous to ask "can I call on the weekend to organise something"?

 

I thought it was polite! As you can tell, I need some third party thoughts!

[emmie_g]

Personally i think everything you did seems fine, maby shes just not interested in a relationship at the moment, she obviously enjoys spending time with you so keep it at that and who knows what might happen? But dont act as though you want anything but a friendship from her, this could scare her away. Take things easily and who knows what may happen? In the mean-time keep looking and good luck.

[Whiskers]

Personally, I think that you would know your place or their postition better, if you established very early on that you are asking for a date. Without the clarification it's easy for a woman to put a man in the friend bracket almost from the beginning when feeling safe in the assumption that they aren't looking for more or they would have said so.

 

You might have to pull yourself together and ask someone on a date - or for coffee.

 

Good luck

 

XXXX

[Mr Miagi]

Thanks for the thoughts girls! Your replies, which I read the other day, really enlightened me a bit. Whiskers, I never really thought of it that way, well put! I might just have to pull myself together as you say from now on!

[Brightest Dark]

By her saying she doesn't want 'anything else' I think she's making it clear she only likes you as a friend. I think you asking if you can call her at the weekend sounds a little too self-conscious and like you are too interested. If you are not confident enough to just call her then just chat to her online. I think asking to call is too weird - at least since she's said she doesn't want 'anything else'. It makes it sound like you're keen but scared.

[D_Lish]

Is it rediculous to ask "can I call on the weekend to organise something"? ...

 

I wouldn't suggest you calling and saying you'd like to meet up yet and particularly because she has made it pretty clear, she wants to be friends only. I'd leave the calling, for another week, two weeks perhaps...meanwhile just chat to her online, as you have been doing.

 

If you start to heavily pursue, ....she will run off to the hills, never to be seen again.

 

Believe me, when I've only wanted friends and made it clear I do...if they start to pursue me and regularly, I know it's because they are hoping for and want more from me, regardless of what I've said and I've ran a mile. Some guys just don't take the hint....

[Mr Miagi]

Just to clarify...

 

I never suggested calling her after she told me she would just like to be friends, I respect that.

I asked if I could call her on the weekend before I got her reply!

 

Im not phased this time around, I guess my hopes were lower, she is a very attractive lady, and im not really one to show off to the girls! LOL

[Brightest Dark]

Ok... When you say talking online do you mean on instant messenger? Just want to make sure I'm not getting the wrong end of the stick! Personally if I was chatting a lot to a guy online then I'd be happy with him just asking me out online. I suppose asking if you could call because you both had incompatible schedules wasn't too bad of an idea, I guess she just wasn't interested.

 

I think in hindsight it might have been better to have not thanked her for telling you she wasn't interested and mentioning 'I wonder how she feels about me'. I mean, couldn't you have acted like you only wanted to hang out as friends anyway? She may feel awkward knowing you were interested in knowing her more than just as friends. Sometimes it's better to act like you were just asking to hang out as friends and not anything more, anyway. Do you not want to hang out with her now you know she is only interested in being friends, or are you still going to meet up with her?

[Mr Miagi]

See this is why I feel it would be so much better to have someone to talk about these issues with. All the points you've all brought up are so different to how I initially percieved the situation. Maybe instead of keeping my thoughts to myself I should come here more often!

 

When you say talking online do you mean on instant messenger?

 

Yep.

 

I think in hindsight it might have been better to have not thanked her for telling you she wasn't interested and mentioning 'I wonder how she feels about me'. I mean, couldn't you have acted like you only wanted to hang out as friends anyway? She may feel awkward knowing you were interested in knowing her more than just as friends. Sometimes it's better to act like you were just asking to hang out as friends and not anything more, anyway.

 

There are goods and bads to that though. On one hand, I would have completely avoided what I was trying to ask and if she was interested, she might assume I wasnt? I guess my theory was If I never ask, I will never know! Not sure if this is the best stance to take, but it is true to some degree.

 

Do you not want to hang out with her now you know she is only interested in being friends, or are you still going to meet up with her?

 

I'd definitely still see her when we go out, it doesnt matter to me that she is only interested in being friends, thats better than nothing.

[Clarity]

My advice: If you still want the friendship for what it is, keep doing what you're doing. However, if you were interested in more than friendship, and still are, then don't go on these "friend" outings with her - don't be afraid to put your needs and wants ahead of hers, that is what a confident man does.