A misunderstanding or is it more than a friendship?

[wish4me]

I've been dating my bf for 10 months. He's sweet caring, loving and can't do enough for me. If I want something or need something done all I have to do is ask.

We both went to a cookout on the weekend. His school mate (the one he has often pointed out in his HS year book) and her husband were also there. They all went to school together and have known each other for many years. We had a great time and had so much fun playing BUZZ on the PS2.

 

On our way home, we starting talking and he mentioned how he could not believe how old their children were. It made him feel old. We then got home and I mentioned that I was a little relieved to leave when we did because her husband (who my bf nearly got into a fight with, back a year or more ago) started to get a little rowdy. I told him how sorry I felt for her having to put up with him. She is a very sweet girl - BTW we both worked together too!

 

When we laid down, I asked him why he never asked her out in HS to which he replied "I just didn't". He has known and worked with her father for many years and went onto say that "they were like brother and sister, and he loved her as a friend but never felt the connection". When he said this my body felt it was going into shut down mode. I laid awake most of the night worrying if something would ever become of it. We both woke up early Sunday and I started to get upset. He didn't realize how much it hurt me (I had never heard him talk like that before about another woman) and he reassured me that he never had or never will have that connection with her. She was a close friend that went to school with him, he knew her family and cared for them like an extended family. He told me that the only person he wanted to be with was me and he needed me to feel happy with him and that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I started thinking why he hadn't been married - was it because he wanted to stay single in the hopes that they may divorce and be with her. (I wasn't hatelful when I asked). He reassured me that he never got married because he loved to work and never really had the time to date.

 

Despite his reassurance I felt like I had fallen from the top of a ladder! My hopes, feelings sank immediately. Couldn't look at him in the eyes for the rest of the morning.

 

I know my insecurity comes from an experience with my X who left me unexpectidly for someone else.

 

Am I to believe him and leave things go or is this a red flag? Thank you Kelly

[JadedStar]

What on earth did he say to make you feel such drastic emotions? He told you he never dated her because he never felt the connection? I think you are way over reacting here. HIs answer was the best you could hope for really. What if he had said he had a strong connection but didn't date her because he worked for her father and didn't want to mix romance with business? Now THAT would make me worry. But he said he never felt anything for her but great friendship.

 

I was very confused reading your post wondering why you felt like your body was shutting down over what he said. It's kind of crazy. What he said was very benign and no reason at all to give you pause.

[ghost69]

10 months of dating and something like this bugs you? that's another reason why you haven't heard him talk like this....it's been only 10 months.

 

is it hard to believe he has really close female friends?

[agent1607307371]

IAW Jadedstar.

 

Nothing he's said is a red flag. It's actually a good sign.

 

That said, it's unfair of you to be bringing baggage from past relationships for this guy to carry. I'd really work at sorting that stuff out.

[keenan]

I'm with the others. He loves her as a friend but never felt the connection? There's nothing bad about that at all! It's great that he never felt a spark with her, and it's great that he values her friendship anyway. I love a lot of people in my life as friends (and actually exchange those words with a couple of my gay guy friends) but have never ever in a million years wanted to date any of them. Chill, woman. This is all fine.

[JadedStar]

Your drastic emotions is really more a redflag for HIM then his words a redflag for you. Your insecurity sounds like the type that can make a relationship very high maintenance for a man. Nothing is more taxing in a relationship than a guy with a girl who gets these sinking feelings of despair over nothing.

 

Take this as a sign to try to work on this internally. I don't suggest sharing anymore of this with him. You are only going to succeed in him getting his guard up and not feeling comfortable sharing things with you. You will drive him away if this begins to happen more than a few times.

 

If I were him i'd be the one concerned over your reactions to this as you are the one with the redflag to be wary of here, not him.

[wish4me]

Looking back at the situation I know I overreacted. I'm trying so hard to control my anxiety. It was also a few days before my period started, which didn't help.

 

I love him so much, and he's already asked me again to get engaged at Thanksgiving.

 

I just have this fear of hurt. It's like fear of heights! He's told me that if something makes me feel anxious again to speak up and not to lay for hours in bed restless.

 

Maybe I need to go on medication for anxiety. I did it once but had many side effects coming off it.

 

I don't want to scare him away. I've had hormonal tests which have come back normal so it must be anxiety. No, its not fair to let a past experience ruin my chances with a great guy.

[keenan]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

[wish4me]

I'm 39, divorced for almost 3 years and have two young children.

[keenan]

Ok. I was asking b/c I was a LOT more anxious and insecure 10 years ago than I am now, and I think that's true of a lot of women. But you've got a lot of experience with life's ups and downs and you're still wigging out over harmless comments. Unless there was actually a misunderstanding on your part (i.e., if you interpreted the word love to mean something far more serious than he did), you're making yourself miserable for no reason! Poor you.

 

If you want to get some outside help but don't like medications, what about a few sessions of therapy? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to be as effective as medications for things like anxiety, and just a few months might make a big difference for how you're feeling. You could be in a much better place by Thanksgiving.

 

(Something else to think about here is that anxiety is associated with high levels of the stress hormone Cortisol, which is correlated with all kinds of negative health outcomes, especially in women. Getting this under control wouldn't just be good for your mind and your relationship, it would be good for your body. Sorry if that's TMI)

[wish4me]

 

(Something else to think about here is that anxiety is associated with high levels of the stress hormone Cortisol, which is correlated with all kinds of negative health outcomes, especially in women. Getting this under control wouldn't just be good for your mind and your relationship, it would be good for your body. Sorry if that's TMI)

Interesting. would cognitive therapy work to control cortisol? My job is VERY stressful and that doesn't help much. Some days are better than others. Thanks for the information.

[keenan]

Interesting. would cognitive therapy work to control cortisol? My job is VERY stressful and that doesn't help much. Some days are better than others. Thanks for the information.

 

I think that anything that reduces stress (exercise, sleep, yoga/meditation, time with friends and family, time with a pet, talk therapy) will have the effect of reducing cortisol. You have lots of options. In theory we should ALL be doing all those things, except maybe the pets and the therapy--although those can't hurt lol.