Wife no longer has feelings for me... Separation

[obsesor]

I dont even know where to start.. but my wife of almost 8 years recently told me she has absolutely no feelings for me and is numb to me and wants to get a separation. We have two kids together 4 & 5 and were in the process of building a house. we just moved away from where we have lived the past 7 years and now i really have absolutely no one, all my family is 3000 miles away and i dont know what to do, she wants me out (we are living with her parents while our house was being built), i dont have much of a choice.

 

I just want to get in bed and cry my eyes out.

 

any words of advice? or comfort?

[avman]

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about this. Well as you mentioned if you are living with her family then it probably will be more peaceful for you if you went somewhere else to live.

 

Call your family even though they are far away. They can still lend you moral support. Call your friends and get their support also.

 

You should probably also talk to an attorney. I'm not sure where you live or whether it would be best to find an attorney in your new location or your old location. But I would definitely start looking for one. You'll want someone who isn't emotionally involved there to give you advice and make sure your rights are protected.

 

And it's fine to go ahead and cry your eyes out. This is a very stressful time for you.

 

Welcome to the forum. I wish it were under better circumstances.

[jettison]

Familiarity breeds either contempt, or indifference, or both. It's not you. It's not her. It's circumstance. This is something that all couples face, and something that few couples survive. Most are unable to change the dynamics of their relationship sufficiently enough to allow it to thrive again.

 

One thing is certain though, and that is that your wife has layed down the gauntlet and demanded distance. When faced with this request, your only avenue is to not only allow the distance to take place, but to encourage it, and then give her even more distance then you imagine she'd be able to handle.

 

Only then, when she senses that you are not wanting or needing anything from her, might she come back and open herself up again in some way. You never know how long this will take though. Weeks, months, a year. You just don't know.

 

On a personal note, I really feel for you. When someone is your world, and that someone has disappeared either literally or emotionally, you lose your identity. It is a lonely, loney world you will face until the time comes when you are able to recreate that identity without her. It's a long, arduous journey of self-discovery.

[riley123]

Welcome to ENA, obsesor.

 

First of all, I'm so sorry about your situation. unfortunately, right now, I don’t think there is too much anyone can say that will make you feel better, but you are not alone.

 

I think it’s helpful to go with your feelings – you want to cry then cry. It’s ok to feel sad and confused right now.

 

Have you and your wife been having problems? Had you tried couple’s therapy?

 

I also agree with avman, it would be wise to at least consult with an attorney right now.

[obsesor]

Fortunately in that area i am not worried, she would never do anything to take the kids from me, and as it comes to the care of my children and even her as i do still love her very much, she can have everything and I will start fresh. Some days are better than others, yesterday I was fine, today, not so much.

 

I feel like I should call my mom, but at the same time i dont want to talk to her about it..it feels like telling people makes it final =((

[Supa_gurl]

It obvious she has been feeling this way for a while. I wish she would have said something to you before moving cross-country and begin building a house. That makes it so much more difficult. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. definitely contact your family for support, in the mean time, if funds allow, find a small place for yourself. Absense make the heart grow fonder, maybe she will see that once you are gone for a while.

[aNnAeLiZaBeTh]

wow. well i don't have much advice to offer you since i've never been married--or even close to it. but i'm just thinking about the kids. i think that if she truly loved her children, she would want more for them than to put them in the middle of a nasty divorce. if she wants you out, you better start looking for a new place. because after all, it is her parents' house. have you suggested counseling? it sounds like she's really jumping the gun by springing all of this on you at one time. maybe yall should try to bring some of the magic back. possibly take a trip together. or if that's out of the question, just try to do things that you used to do--take her out on dates (just because you're married doesn't mean you stop going on dates together). but if this is what she truly wants, there is no changing her mind. i just really think that if she loved her babies then she would want something better for them. do you have a joint bank account? whose name is the house in? i don't think you should let your marriage crumble to pieces without a damn hard fight--especially since you have children together. i highly suggest you go to counseling. she clearly has a hard time sharing her feelings since she waited until she nearly exploded and wanted a separation at that moment. counseling is great for getting feelings (even those that are not good at sharing them) out in the open. i am a firm believer in making a marriage work. it's never going to be easy. but you made a commitment with each other and with God (probably?) and that's not something that should be broken. but if she truly does not want to make the marriage work, it won't. and there's not much you can do about that. both parties have to work at it and both involved have to really really want it in order to maintain a healthy, happy marriage...sorry if that wasn't great advice, but that's all i got lol

[beerman]

I dont even know where to start.. but my wife of almost 8 years recently told me she has absolutely no feelings for me and is numb to me and wants to get a separation. We have two kids together 4 & 5 and were in the process of building a house. we just moved away from where we have lived the past 7 years and now i really have absolutely no one, all my family is 3000 miles away and i dont know what to do, she wants me out (we are living with her parents while our house was being built), i dont have much of a choice.

 

I just want to get in bed and cry my eyes out.

 

any words of advice? or comfort?

 

I have gone through exactly what you are experiencing right now. My advice is to try and work through it all. Try counseling and whatever else you can come up with.

 

Now, if nothing works, I want to let you know that it is vitally important that you are honest with your children and you make sure they know none of what is happening is their fault. Next, do every thing you can to get joint custody. Kids need both parents in their lives. So, you can not go the 3000 miles home if the kids are staying there. I can not stress enough how important it is for your kids that you are around and a big part of their life.

 

I was married for 15+ years when this happened to me. My kids are well adjusted and while we discuss what happened every now and then, they appear to have adjusted just fine.

 

Put your feelings (good or bad) aside and concentrate on your children.

 

I will step down from my soap box now.

 

Good luck.

[obsesor]

Welcome to ENA, obsesor.

 

First of all, I'm so sorry about your situation. unfortunately, right now, I don’t think there is too much anyone can say that will make you feel better, but you are not alone.

 

I think it’s helpful to go with your feelings – you want to cry then cry. It’s ok to feel sad and confused right now.

 

Have you and your wife been having problems? Had you tried couple’s therapy?

 

I also agree with avman, it would be wise to at least consult with an attorney right now.

 

We had gone to couples therapy a bit over a year ago, and it did us a lot of good i thought. but it was like she just woke up one morning and poof, everything was gone. Though I know i have not been perfect in our marriage, I was still shocked at all of this. i tried and tried to save us from separation, but it doesnt look like i will be bale to. Just wish i could go back and do things differently.

[lostandhurt]

First of all I am so sorry this is happening to your family. There will be many on here that will help you through this very tough time in your life as they helped me so many months ago.

Unfortunately there are far to many of us here on this site and more like you show up all the time. If you want to try and save your marriage you need to educate yourself as soon as possible on what not to do. You can go to link removed for help as well as many others. Just put "stop divorce" in your search engine and you will find many resources.

If it is over and you don't want to try, then you need to start to understand a little about what she is feeling or not feeling so you can be prepared for the onslaught of emotions you will have to endure from your heart and the lack of emotions she will show towards you. There often is no sense to what is happening in your mind but she has plenty of reasons as to why she is doing this. Whether they are true or real makes no matter except to her and trying to reason with her will only make it worse.

I will PM you with some links that might help you see that you are no way the first person this has happened to....by all means you are not alone.

 

lost

[avman]

I feel like I should call my mom, but at the same time i dont want to talk to her about it..it feels like telling people makes it final =((

 

Lots of people feel this way but once you reach out to your family you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. There's almost an embarrassment or a stigma attached to this and there really shouldn't be. It's a crisis for you so you should get the support that you need.

 

she can have everything and I will start fresh

 

Yeah, this is why I want you to talk to an attorney right away. There are things you are going to need in order to be a good dad to your kids. You need a place for them to come visit, money to buy them things, and you need to keep yourself healthy and eventually happy. You may feel you are fine giving up everything right now but that's not the right way to go. You need to be realistic about everything and an attorney can help you see farther into the future.

[beerman]

"she can have everything and I will start fresh"

 

Be careful with this. While it is easy to say and I know you mean it, it is not really the way to go. I took this same approach and it really cost me in the long run. All I am saying is make sure you get your fair share.

[Supa_gurl]

I agree with Beerman...My husband told me the same thing when we contemplated separation, once we were actually separated he recanted and wanted this and that. It was frustrating to me. We are back together, but just be careful what you say. You are saying this now because you are hurt, once you get your head straight you will do the same as my husband and come to your senses.

[TexasDad]

I hate having a membership in this club...

[obsesor]

But she doesnt have a job and hasnt had one since we have had kids, so that was my way of looking out for all of them. Still not right?

[avman]

But she doesnt have a job and hasnt had one since we have had kids, so that was my way of looking out for all of them. Still not right?

 

No, still not right. You need to carefully plan a way that leaves everybody in at least decent shape without totally skewing it. Maybe a short period of spousal maintenance while she trains for a new career is reasonable. Or maybe joint physical custody. There's lots of solutions.

 

She needs to take responsibility for making a living for herself. It is no longer your responsibility to look after her. Your priorities need to be the children and yourself. Giving her everything would not be wise. And that doesn't mean she wouldn't still come after you for even more.

 

Get some good legal advice before doing or signing anything.

[redhearts]

Everything happens for a reason.

[TexasDad]

It just isn't always a good reason...

[omartin]

Reconsider this. She will have you living in a card board box eating spagetti out of a can if you dont fight for what is yours. Divorce brings out the worse in people. Trust me, i would have never thought my STBX would do some of the things she did to me. Some people wont stop at anything to be "happy". For example me and my stbx built a house together and a year later she moved out and filed for divorce. Now the home is in foreclosure. You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself. I hope i'm not scaring you, just preparing you for what could possibly be ahead...

[tina-rocks]

I agree with Omartin on this one.

 

My husband told me just over 3 months now.

 

We are divorcing after christmas. Can't start the ball rolling until after my op. He wanted to go down the route online (without solicitors). I still love him but I would not be silly enough to do that.

 

Don't give away your life you built as I feel you will regret it later. I know she is not working but as she want's a new life so she must take the responsibility that goes with it.

[obsesor]

so what do I keep and what do I give up then?

[omartin]

so what do I keep and what do I give up then?

 

Thats up to you. Whats important to you. Personally, i dont like the idea of paying someone more child support than what is needed to take care of the kids. Originally when my stbx filed for divorce i would have been paying $ 1000.00 a month for one child. This would have meant i would be taking care of him finacially all by myself. Keep in mind our salaries are virtually the same. She would basically have my child more and would not be spending a dime of her own money on him. I Had that reduced. Unfortunately, she is so greedy she convinced the magistrate to award her spousal support (alimony). Right now i am fighting to get that decision overturned.

 

Are there any cars involved? How about the martial home? You have to split the savings, worry about money investements, taxes, i can go on and on.

 

Divorce can not only cause a ton of emotional pain but it will leave you in financial ruin as well.

[John Bendix]

omartin,

 

Amen to that-

[TexasDad]

It cost me just over $8K, I'll be paying that for a while...

 

Just make sure she gets her fair share of the community debt, if you have any

[obsesor]

Im just struggling with the emotional side of things, I havent moved out yet as I am looking for a place to stay, but every night at bed time we have really good talks that lead to really good sex, and while i still know I have to leave, I cant help but still be hurt, I feel that if she would just let it, we could reconcile and be happy, its a struggle with me because I know that fighting with her about it will only make it worse. I asked her if she thinks our separation will lead to divorce or if she thought we would get back together, she says she really doesnt know. I know I have to get out of the house, and then start courting her again, and hopefully if I am lucky, win her back.

 

As far as finances, we have 2 cars, one is payed off, and we are 2 months away from our house being built and trying to decide what we want to do about that. we have some debt but not much.

 

Its so hard. she spent an hour or more last night talking to her friend and telling her about us separating, mean while i went to bed. She comes in the room happy as can be and says she just wanted to kiss me good night. That hurt. but i tried to play it cool and instead of expressing those feelings to her, i wrote them out. Im trying so hard to just put on my happy face for her in hopes of winning her back, but my heart is aching.

 

Thanks for all of your comments, I know it is all great advice, but i cant get passed my emotional state enough at this point to even worry about the finances. HOPEFULLY that wont be an issue and we will find a way to work this out.

 

3 Spencer