really need help!

[jellybean123]

i really need advice on what to think and do. here's my situation:

my boyfriend of 3 years and i decided to take a break a few weeks ago because we seemed to be fighting more and he wanted some space to think things through. although "on a break," we continued to talk to and see each other normally, and things seemed to be going well. he assured me it was just temporary. we agreed that we would be open to dating other people, although i know that i am not interested in anyone else and he was more concerned about working on our own relationship. about a week ago, however, he told me that he had met another girl and was unsure if he was interested in her. i was upset, but i tried to stay calm (and somewhat distant) and we ended up spending most of this weekend together. things again seemed to be pretty good, and i really got my hopes up that we could make it through this rough patch. last night, however, i looked at his phone while he was asleep because i couldn't stand my curiosity any longer -- i only wanted to know the name of this other girl, who he told me he had not contacted/had any contact from in a few days. i discovered multiple text messages back and forth between him and this girl, saying things like "i love you and miss you" and "why don't you move in with me?" and "good morning beautiful" and "come see me this week." the most recent were, in fact, from yesterday. i was in complete shock, and confronted him with what i had found. while he couldn't deny the evidence, he told me that he still loves me and doesn't know if he really loves her. when i gathered my stuff to leave and made it clear that this was a dealbreaker, he became very upset and promised me that he has not been physical with her (i dont know if i believe that or not). he insists that he still loves me, but i honestly don't know what to think. i made it absolutely clear to him that if he wanted any chance with me, he had to break it off with her immediately and begin to earn back my trust.

i am crushed because i truly believed that this guy was the one for me. i dont want to accept that three years could come to this, but i also dont want to be stupid and wait around for someone who will only cause me more pain. is there a chance that he will contact me and want to work at our relationship? if he does, should i give him a second chance? and if not, how do i go about the seemingly impossible and miserable task of moving on?

thanks for any advice you can give!

[Seraphim]

OK you both agreed it was ok to see other people?? Maybe that was the mistake. You did not want to see other people and you thought he felt the same, when he thought it was perfectly ok. I think that is where the mistake is. Take sometime for yourself, do not contact him at all for a while and see what happens. If it was meant to happen you will be together.

[Scorpion Fury]

He saw her for a few weeks while you guys were on break and he "loves" her??

 

Are his emotions really that shallow, or do you think it's possible she's been around longer than a few weeks?

[Supa_gurl]

Because you both agreed to take a break, I would give him another chance. True, he lied about the other woman, which he shouldn't have done. But you were on a break, thereforee if he is genuine about wanting this to work with you then he deserves another shot.

[Aviatormy]

I honestly think that he is being unfair. In my opinion, he wanted to take a break with you so that he can see this other girl. He is obviously not as "in love" with you as he says he is. The fact that he wanted to take a break is perfectly fine. However, the second he threw in the line of "I think that we should see other people", that does not show ANY respect towards you and he is more-less trying to see what else is out there without the guilt of cheating on you.

 

I am sorry that your relationship has come to this but I really think that it is in your best interest to start the pain of leaving him now so you can be better in a couple of months. He is not faithful to you and he is wanting to explore his other options while keeping you on the back burner. I agree with the above poster that is was a HUGE mistake to agree to see other people while on this break.

 

A break in a relationship is so both parties can take time ALONE to see if this relationship is what they really want for the rest of their life. There is no such thing as taking a break to see other people. He has disrespected you and you deserve to be with someone that is not interested in any other woman.

 

Do yourself a favor and have a talk with him. Tell him something along the lines of "hey ____, I am sorry but after thinking about things, I do not want to continue this relationship with you. You obviously want to see if there is a better match for you out there and I respect that, I just refuse to sit here and wait while you hook up with other girls and tell them that you love them after only seeing them for a little bit".

 

Pack up your things, find a good friend that will help you get through this healing phase and move on. You can do so much better. Relationships honestly do not have to be this hard. I have never taken a "break" from someone that I love. Whenever I feel the need to step back a little bit and evaluate the relationship, I simply make plans for a bout a week and I minimize the amount of time that I talk to them and spend with them. This is the ONLY way to really take a break form someone.

 

If he wanted to take a break to see if you are who he wants for the rest of his life, he can not possibly accomplish this by throwing in feelings for another woman. By doing this he is not only losing trust with you, he is not getting the quality time that he NEEDS to think. His time away from you is spent in the honeymoon phase with another woman so he is blinded by all the good and positive feelings that he is receiving from her while he is getting the security of having you on the back burner for a more stable and permanent relationship.

 

Dont give him the satisfaction of knowing that he will always have you. Make him pay for his childish acts of emotionally cheating on the one girl that is commited to him and leave him.

 

Good luck on your healing phase. The pain will only last for a little while but in the long run you will have discarded all of your stress and negative emotions by leaving him. You will heal and better yourself and then eventually find someone that does not need a "break" from you so he can be with other women. A real MAN should stick with his spouse through thick and thin. In my opinion, the only reason to ever take break with someone is if you fall out of love or if they cheat on you. Other than that I feel that when I am exclusive with someone, I am practically married without the document. I will treat her as if I am married to her and I will only leave her if she cheats on me or falls out of love. Just because I fight/argue with her, does not give me the right to see other people.

 

Sorry for your pain. Best wishes,

 

Andrew.

[IMAbadman]

Hun read what I highlighted above from your OP. You both agreed to a break. You both agreed to be open to dating other people. He told you that he met another girl.

 

These are the facts anything else said is hearsay and I would presume meant to suppress the blow to you and your emotions.

 

I certainly understand your pain and my sympathy goes out to you. So at this point what do you do? I, like you, don’t share well with others. So I think you taken the right steps. Either he wants a relationship with you or you both move on. Yep, easily said and very hard to do. But this shows respect for yourself and sets your boundaries.

 

So if he accepts do you give him a second chance? Well only you can decide that. I think you already know you will. The question is do you feel you can get over your trust issues of him? And, is he willing to trust you again… you were snooping through his phone and all. Also, he may hold this, basically and ultimatum, against you. Play it by ear, protect your heart.

 

Good luck and God’s speed.

[angellight]

Your boyfriend decided to take a break a few weeks ago and a week ago he told you he met someone and was unsure if he was interested in her...then you find texts saying things like that!!!! Something is very wrong here...beside you looking through his phone...Weve all done it...Not saying its right, but if he has nothing to hide he wouldnt mind, let me rephrase I wouldnt mind if I had nothing to hide....Did he tell you he loved you after a week of seeing you??? Did you happen to notice the dates on the text messages?? Who sent what?? Are these messages coming from the girl or from your boyfriend to her??? It makes a difference...He can't control what she says, but he sure can control what he says back....I only hope you got the girls number so you can find out the truth and be in a better position for your decision...

[IMAbadman]

jellybean123 Do not, let me repeat DO NOT start calling this other girl. It's your one way ticket to being tagged as "Psycho".

 

If you don't trust you BF/EX enough then you need to walk away. Don't get all needy and start acting out of desperation. If he can’t meet you half way then you stay calm, look him straight in the eyes, and tell him, “I’m sorry you feel that way, buh bye.” Then you go home, have yourself a good cry, and flush this guy out of your system. Believe me there’s someone out there who will give you the same love and respect you give them.

 

Ciao bella.

[angellight]

Touche' Imabadman

 

Sorry I f*** up...dont call the girl...Just a knee jerk reaction from a past experience... I have been in a situation where a guy will lie and lie and lie and the only way to get to the truth is to talk to the other party....Listen to Imabadman for the last sentence...his advice is better!

[jellybean123]

thanks so much for all of your advice! the support i've gotten on this thread has meant so much.

unfortunately, my situation is still a little bit in limbo. he and i continued to be in contact after what happened, mostly texting about stuff unrelated to what had happened between us. i care about him so much that i couldn't bring myself to ignore his texts in general (although i did ignore quite a few the first day). although we mostly steered clear from talking about "us," he did tell me a few times that the things i read were taken out of context, that he was not actually in love with this other girl, and that he still very much cared about me. i'm still not sure how much of this i believe, so i'm just trying to be cautious and not put too much trust in his words.

we eventually agreed to meet up yesterday to talk things out face to face. we had a very long conversation about things that would need to change in our relationship (even though getting back together is not a definite at this point), and talked a little about the future. we shopped some together he told me that he was not interested in even contacting this girl. he said that she had not contacted him for a few days, either (which he verified.) we went to dinner with his roommate (a mutual friend) and had a great time together. when she did start texting him after dinner (saying things like "why aren't you texting me back or answering my calls?"), he showed me what she said and told me that he didn't want to even respond to her. i left last night happy with how things had gone between us, but knowing that i had no guarantees and could not become reattached so soon. i'm still very aware of the fact that he must gain my trust back in a big way.

this morning we were texting again, and he told me that she had texted him asking him to go see her and saying that she had something to say to him. he asked me what he should do, and i told him simply that it was his choice. he decided to go down this afternoon and hear her out, but then plans to come back to my town and see me tonight (which we had planned yesterday).

i'm not really sure what to expect from her (she refused to tell him what she needed say to him over the phone), and so i don't know exactly what to think. at this point, i can't change whatever she wants to say to him, so i'm just trying to wait and see what happens. i know for a fact that if they end up in any way "together" after tonight, i am absolutely finished with this guy. i'm not going to lie, though: i'm really hoping that she just says she doesn't want to see him any more!

thanks for letting me vent on this further development, feel free to leave me any more advice! thanks for reading!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

My 'something's not right' meter is going off here. The kinds of 'i love you' and 'move in with me' messages she was sending are not usually things people text after a few dates. It's possible he's been seeing her before your 'break', and when things got real intense, asked for a break to see her more.

 

And there is absolutely NO REASON for him to see her again. He could tell her in one phone call that he's decided to get back with his former girlfriend and that's it. It doesn't matter what she has to tell him, if he's breaking it off, he can do it over the phone. So i suspect there is more to that story with her than he is telling you, perhaps a longer association with her than he is telling you about.

 

I would be very cautious for a while with him after this, since you are not sure whether he was cheating before this break or not, or whether the next time he sees a women who sparks his interest, he wants another break.

 

So i suggest the next break he asks for tell him no, and also tell him you will not tolerate cheating, and if something like this happens again, you're gone.

[Rose21]

Yeah I think you should just tell him how hurt you are and convey how crushed your feelings are. I too think the seeing other people was a really bad idea.

 

Me and my boyfriend went on a break for 5 days. I needed a major reality check, because I was being bossy and demanding and not living in the real world. He wanted me to realize it wasn't okay, and he knew it would have to take something as big as that for me to understand. And it worked.

 

It hurt him just as much as it hurt me, and both of us got very sick. Not only did we suggest NOT seeing other people, but he didn't go out at all. With ANYONE. I hung out alot with my friends, but thats how I am. Social, when Im sad I NEED people, and he would rather be a reculse in his room.

 

since then I have realized the error of my ways, and it has made us so much stronger.

 

If I told him that I had interest in someone else, or that I even kissed a guy or something during that 5 day period, I wouldn't be with him now and he would be horribly crushed.

 

We are both EXTREMLY loyal people.