Dating Friends...

[GettingBetter]

The last girl I dated told me about this time she ran into her ex-boyfriend at a restaurant, and how she was hurt that he didn't even want to talk with her. "I don't understand why people who dated can't still be friends if things didn't work out. I mean, obviously they liked each other."

 

That's the same way I have always felt. And while I've had only moderate success, all of my relationships grown out of a friendship, and when they faded turned back into a friendship again. So, the friend-zone explanation has never made sense with me. Although I certainly understand it exists with some people, I think it's mostly, if not entirely psychological.

 

So, this has happened between me and two other girls, and I know one of my other girl friends feels exactly the same way. Yet, so many here on ENA seem so outspoken to the contrary. That I don't understand.

 

Can't this work? I've always felt that kindling a friendship first was better. What are your feelings on the matter?

[Clementine orange]

she ran into her ex-boyfriend at a restaurant, and how she was hurt that he didn't even want to talk with her. "I don't understand why people who dated can't still be friends if things didn't work out. I mean, obviously they liked each other."

 

 

I bet $20 she was the dumper...

[GettingBetter]

I bet $20 she was the dumper...

 

Haha, you may be right. Or, who's to say how recently they had broken up. But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm still friends with these two girls who I used to date. I'm still really good friends with this one in particular. Granted, we never got real serious, but we just recognized that things weren't right for us at the time being. We still like each other, and so our friendship is as strong as ever. And yeah, there was a brief period right after where we didn't talk to each other, but we quickly put that behind us.

 

The thing is, as friends before we started dating, we knew we liked each other, even in the absense of love or infatuation or whatever you call it. I think dating someone you've already established a friendship with is very similar to the advice Prince Andrei gave Pierre in Tolstoy's War and Peace, in a nutshell: "Before you marry someone, wait until you fall out of love." I think this approach leads to more mature relationships. And I'm curious if anyone else agrees, or disagrees for that matter. (Because it's my nature to date accordingly.)

[Gratsy]

The only way I'd be friends with an ex is if my romantic feelings were completely gone. Once someone is your ex, it shrouds that line and ends up confusing you and prolonging the get-over-him period. Like the poster above said, its easy to be friends with someone you've dumped. But I've even had a hard time with that b/c they end up still being a bit bitter and then they become difficult to deal with so the friendship attempt naturally fails. I generally assume I will never see that person ever again. Its sad at first, but its life and you can't really dwell on things like that. you just sorta move on.Its all you can do. Yo dno't stare at the closed door, you just decide to get up b/c you're still living.

[DaBladeRoden]

Well I'm still friends with a girl who turned me down once in junior high and once in high school. Though maybe it helps that I haven't seen her in person in 8 years and that we're only online buddies. But I'm still kind of resentful of that guy she married. Especially in the days when he kept plastering lovey dovey messages all over her FB wall.

 

Everyone else it's usually NC unless I for some reason think I'm gonna be able to get a second shot.

[doris]

I find this interesting as ive always believed that platonic friendship can't ever turn into anything more. Perhaps there was always a spark there to begin with and you both felt it? Also, was the friendship strictly platonic at the start or physical?

 

How long were you just friends at the start? How did you shift to a relationship?

[Gratsy]

I find this interesting as ive always believed that platonic friendship can't ever turn into anything more. Perhaps there was always a spark there to begin with and you both felt it? Also, was the friendship strictly platonic at the start or physical?

 

How long were you just friends at the start? How did you shift to a relationship?

 

 

I've had it where I was in a friendship and wanted more and they didn't or they wanted more and I didn't.

[GettingBetter]

I find this interesting as ive always believed that platonic friendship can't ever turn into anything more. Perhaps there was always a spark there to begin with and you both felt it? Also, was the friendship strictly platonic at the start or physical?

 

How long were you just friends at the start? How did you shift to a relationship?

 

Well, I'm really not too sure about this. I can tell you that we knew each other a little more than a semester. I liked her, and I would have gone out with her if she asked, but I had no intention of asking her. Eventually we found out we were each partnerless dancers, so we went dancing. At that moment, I really started to like her, and after that she called me up and asked me out, and so things began.

 

So, you could argue the following points:

* Maybe there was "something more" there from the start. But it certainly didn't start out physical. We met in a lab at school, I was helping her out with some of her work, but I had never touched her or anything until we danced.

* Our friendship was also limited. Yeah, we talked a lot at school (about more than just school), but we never did anything together outside of school. But, that's completely normal for me (and her, too), since we're both in very difficult majors.

 

And so you could easily conclude that this was just a very slow beginning to our relationship.

 

However, you hear all the time on these forums about how two people are friends, but one of them wants more. Isn't it entirely conceivable that two of these people could be friends with each other, each wanting more?

 

I dunno. While I still keep in touch and hang out with this girl now, we've never really brought up the time when we were dating again. We've just kept a forward-looking attitude, but I still wonder. It's possible that I have this situation understood completely wrong. (I'm an extremely simple guy, albeit not "normal," so I'm easily confused by things, lol.)

[doris]

Why did you stop dating?

[GettingBetter]

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm pretty sure I just misunderstood this whole situation. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've misunderstood "everything dating" in my life, so I'm tossing out most of my conclusions and starting over again.

 

Over the last day, I reflected on the situation, and I think that we started off slowly because she had recently broken up with her ex. It took several months for her to heal, while she got to know me, and then things started to develop.

 

Why did you stop dating?

 

She stopped returning my phone calls, but my friends said it was my fault because I didn't show enough interest in her. While I admit I was probably too shy and awkward, I also think her ex came back into the picture at that time.

 

So, I humbly apologize for my false evidence I've presented here. While I still think that two friends could become more, and while I do believe I've exemplified that two people who were dating (although never really seriously) can still be friends, I can't really conclude anything.

[mca1975]

Nearly every single one of my relationships have been borne out of being friends first, its kind of the way I like to do things I guess, albeit subconsciously. I think I've only had one relationship of 8 months where I did not know the person beforehand.

 

I have some trust issues so I like it that I know the person really well first as friends, I feel so comfortable with them. Im not saying I look for that scenario, it just seems to happen.

 

I am also friends with a few of my exes, as I'm just not someone who can bear a grudge. Obviously give or take a couple of months to get over it all, then can just pick right up and be friends again.

 

I agree with this post.