things feel a bit different after gettin back together

[justshine]

First off for those that dont know here is some background on wat happened and how we got back

 

 

For the most part things have been going pretty good overall. Ive been making making a strong effort on not being needy anymore and Ive been giving her space and letting her initiate most of the contact. Like I said alot of the times we have been having a good time and are flirty together but its just that I noticed some of the times well have these awkward moments where things feel a bit weird.

Like today for instance she wanted to come over before work to watch a movie. Pretty much every time when she used to do this the actual movie watching would only last the first 10 minutes if you catch my drift. However today it did not happen at all and for the first bit she wasnt making any contact with my body like we do everytime.

Do you guys have any advice as to if this is normal and it just takes some time for things to go back to the way they were? I know I probably just need to give it time but I just hope she/we didnt lose our atttraction.

As always any feedback is greatly apprecitated as to whether we just need to give it more time/is it just an off day/ should I be doing anything to make us feel more comfortable

[justshine]

I should also mentioned this is the first time shes been to my place since we got back and besides seeing eachother at work we've gone out just a couple times

[jettison]

The worst part about this scenario is that once you're conscious of it, and once you have anxiety because of it, the mechanisms in place become self-actuating. Your uneasiness breeds, you guessed it, still more uneasiness. This is why the person that was dumped usually can't hold their cookies together long enough to make it work.

 

If you're worried then you're more sensitive, and if you're more sensitive then you're going to hyper-analyze, and if you hyper-analyze then you're likely to drive your partner nuts. In short, there's not a lot you can do other then get very good at being yourself. If you are just playing a part though, pretending to relax, then that won't work either. It's going to come accross like you've lost your gumption, lost your spirit, lost your drive.

 

Somehow, you have to pull something off that most folks in your position can't. You have to care enough to want to be in this person's life, but not care so much that you're overly worried about anything falling apart.

 

Good luck.

[justshine]

Jettison thank you that was a pretty good analysis and I agree that perhaps I am worrying about this too much. Would you say tho that this isnt really in fact anything major to be worrrying about and that I should just give things time and try my best to stay positive in the meantime. Cause I did feel I was trying to hard to start more conversation then I normally would and she probably was picking up on that just because I didnt there to be silence and I guess I was rushing things. Do you think it would be wise to let her know that its going to take some time as this is still a big adjustment for both of us?

[jettison]

I think that, as is the best thing to do with every romantic love, giving space is the most crucial thing you can do. However, merely giving space and doing nothing else may be seen as apathy, passive aggressiveness, or even vindictiveness, all things you'd do well to avoid.

 

Giving space does not mean ignoring someone. It means making your time and interactions together more meaningful, and less taxing.

 

What to avoid...

 

- Asking too many questions. When you first fell in love with this person, you probably weren't asking for a lot of reassurance. You were probably too busy being stoked and getting all lovey on her. Remember that.

 

- Don't ask to be validated either literally or metaphorically. Assume that you are valid, that you are liked/loved, that you are where you're suppose to be in this relationship. Feel free to weigh feedback from her, and to pick up on the subtle cues, but don't take either her reaction, or worse, lack of reaction as any kind of setback. Remember that you two are equals, and she should be just as worried about this working out this time around as you are. If she seems off to you, then maybe she's just having a bad day. Don't depend on her feedback to be consistent, because honestly, it never was before, but you just didn't realize it or care enough to worry so much about it.

 

- Remember that our feelings and emotions aren't static. She's human so hers won't be either. She should be able to freak out, act like a crazy monkey, say stupid things, be a jerk, and you should be able to deal with it. Want some great hints? Go watch about 5 episodes of the Dog Whisperer. Notice how positively animals respond to calm, assertive control. No matter how the dog reacts, the reaction from the walker is identical. The voice is never raised. The dog is never yelled at. Still, he is always there, showing direction, showing control, loving the dog, teaching it that things are ok.

 

- In relationships you need balance. Both parties need to play leader from time to time for it to work. Some women require less control, and some women require that you level more control. You need to find out what kind of mate you have here. Perhaps she reacts better to more or less. If she needs more then that means you have to be more assertive. She asks you what you want for dinner? The answer isn't "well what would you like honey... I could go for anything you'd like." The answer is actually, "We're going to sushi. I'm famished. Get your coat." But if it's the other way around? If you were too controlling? You get the idea... you do the opposite.

 

Ok, those are just a couple of hints. Remember to really be yourself, your best, genuine, kind self. If you can take care of that part then you two may have a better shot at this.