How can someone move on so quickly?

[Godwin]

So I hear over the weekend that my ex of 7 years has confessed her new man is "The one".

 

We only split at the end of May and I think she has only being seeing him for around 6/7 weeks.

 

We split up because I was unwilling to settle down or go to church and she felt I didn't support her. She had booked a wedding venue for us only 3 months ago though. He defo never came on the scene until after we had finished.

 

I heard that after 4 weeks she was planning on moving away to be with him.

 

I also heard over the weekend that she has been listing his qualities to her friends, ie "He has a degree in Geography" and he "Goes to church". As if she is trying to justify it to herself. When she split with me she listed my faults.

 

What are people's thoughts on this? How can someone move on fast?

[yankeefan74]

A new "interest" can distract a person from dealing with all of the issues regarding the previous breakup. That's one way it's easy for people to move on.

 

Also, some just cannot be alone. Too much alone time, without a significant other to call means a lot of time to think and feel something other than infatuation.

[keenan]

We split up because I was unwilling to settle down or go to church and she felt I didn't support her.

 

I also heard over the weekend that she has been listing his qualities to her friends, ie "He has a degree in Geography" and he "Goes to church". As if she is trying to justify it to herself.

 

It speaks to how important those qualities are to her, and how frustrated she was that you didn't have them. I don't know if she's trying to justify it to herself so much as she's bragging about finding a guy who meets (these) needs. Time will tell whether he meets her other needs, though. She can't know him very well yet, so his degree and church-going are counting for a lot. It's infatuation that may or may not last. If he shares her values and she feels supported, though, it might work.

[desi1987]

Well, in most cases when someone gets out of a long term rel. they attach themselves to the newbie immediately. Whether to avoid being alone or to try to distract themselves from the feelings and emotions of the last relationship(which ALWAYS come back).

 

4 weeks is extremely fast. Almost too fast. How do you know that she wasnt seeing him before?

[redhearts]

Shes in a rush to get married and have kids, this relationship just won't work shes trying to make herself believe hes the one. Just be happy you didn't get caught up in her trap. If your 30 and shes anywhere near your age, shes at that point where a female, most, freak out if they are not married or thinking of kids in a few months.

[Whiskers]

I understand how this looks and I'd say that 98% of cases it is actually rebound.

 

However, I split with my partner of 5 years last August. We talked about it and although he was hurt, we are and have remained friends to this day. But...I met my current boyfriend in the beginning on September and moved to another country to be with him two months later.

 

He is my soul mate and I didn't believe they existed. We are engaged and should be starting the wedding plans soon.

 

My ex is okay with all this, though he feels he needs a relationship to know himself. He lost me at a time when all his friends were hooking up (which believe me, was a long time coming) but without going into those buried and solved details, I would just like to say, that sometimes they are the one.

 

I advice you to ignore the talk she's spouting and watch this space. Not knowing her or the situation, I'd say it looks like she's showing off and possibly trying to convince herself that he is it...that he has all these good things going for him. Don't pay attention to it.

 

XXXX

[Godwin]

4 weeks is extremely fast. Almost too fast. How do you know that she wasnt seeing him before?

 

Because he lived 200 miles away and I was with her most of the time. We split after a MASSIVE argument and then I proceeded to see her every weekend after we split for 4 weeks.

 

Its funny though because after 1 week with me she told me that "she thought we would get married", it took her 7 years to discover that was rubbish.

[Godwin]

Thanks guys. Yeah she will be 30 in October so I reckon she is panicking.

 

Like you said it may work and may not, the only sure thing that I can say is that only time will tell.

[Steve 7745]

Not to accuse you or anything Godwin, but perhaps you never thought that you weren't meeting her expectations? 7 years is a very long time to be with someone. It would be difficult for someone to go that long and not at least hope to be married. In all fairness, it didn't sound like you weren't at least willing to compromise on a few of her points.

 

Going to church would not kill you. Even if you're an atheist, a little bit of wisdom never hurt anyone. As for the marriage thing, if she wanted it and you didn't, then sooner or later she would have left you anyway. The time that women can have children is relatively short- Although they can start at the age of 16, they typically wait until they're at least 25 (usually older). Women go into menopause (and the end of their ability to have children) around 40, which means they've only 15 years to get the ball rolling on a family.

 

That's just enough time to experiment a little and decide what she wants, but not much to waste. You've blown 7 of those years in a relationship that wasn't meeting her expectations, and in your threads indicated that you had no desire too.

 

If she isn't getting what she wants and you're not willing to provide it, why should she stay around you? She provides your needs (altruism) so that you can provide for her needs (selfish). But if you're not providing for her needs, then why would you expect her to supply for yours?

 

In all likelihood, it is a rebound. But it definitely sounds like this guy knew how to make a powerful impression on her. Maybe she's swept up in the romanticism of the moment... but I've heard a few stories of amazing fast-marriages that work out. They're rare, but once under a blue moon, you hear those stories that thunder strike you with the sheer awe of their unbelievability.

 

Once a hispanic man started dating a white woman who was a receptionist. The two got along so well, that five days after meeting her, he walked into the office and told her, "Get your things, we're getting married."

 

Four kids and two decades later, they're still happily married. It maybe a shot in a million, but there's still that one millionth chance.

 

Oh, and if her marriage to him fails, it doesn't mean she'll come back to you, at least not indefinitely. You still won't provide what she needs, so sooner or later, she'll leave you again.

[Godwin]

We had planned to get married after 4 years but she fell ill. I was then waiting to propose in June and I had some money coming in and it would have paid for the engagement ring. Her leaving me was either good/bad timing.

 

Her dad was a church minister and although she is not overally religious she wanted someone from a religious background and someone who would support her more. This never came out til be split though. On the inverse I loved exercising and she was not prepared to support me with that aspect of my life.

 

I can see that we were not 'a match made in heaven', we had our moments though, also after we split I took onboard everything she said was wrong and was fully prepared to chance and even join the church. My gripe with her is that after SEVEN years she never allowed me the opportunity to change, rather to cast be out of her life and then take up with the first person who came on the scene. I really wish she has split with me sooner, if she knew I was not the one then why wait for seven years to tell me that.

 

Anyway I have learnt a lot from this relationship, and I will take these mistakes into my next one.

 

It MAY or MAY NOT end in tears, thats NONE of my business now though.

 

She has been pretty nasty to be recently so I can't wish her well anymore.

[Steve 7745]

Well...

 

Sometimes, people just expect you to change and mature on our own. It's very strange, because it seems to me that people require genuine life experiences in order to find the drive and desire to grow and become more.

 

I think there's a solid question as to what makes people mature genuinely. Or rather, it makes ME wonder if the two genders grow and mature DIFFERENTLY from one another. If a woman expects a man to mature the same way as she does. And we expect it the same manner. Interesting...

[ryanrigney22]

it could be a cry out for help. She may not really like the new guy, but is just going through a phase. This is a common thing in long relationships. Girls like to bounce into a new relationship thinking all the problems will go away.

 

If she was with you for 7 years then she must still have feeling for you. Things like that just don't go away overnight.

[Godwin]

Well...

 

Sometimes, people just expect you to change and mature on our own. It's very strange, because it seems to me that people require genuine life experiences in order to find the drive and desire to grow and become more.

 

I think there's a solid question as to what makes people mature genuinely. Or rather, it makes ME wonder if the two genders grow and mature DIFFERENTLY from one another. If a woman expects a man to mature the same way as she does. And we expect it the same manner. Interesting...

 

I think she saw me as a 'bad boy', while to some degree this may be true to others it couldn't be further from the truth. I think she liked the fact I was spontaneous and exciting, as time wore on she wanted more from her life, she wanted the support, the family life etc

 

I needed to lose her before I realised that family and settling down are actually what I would like as well, its just a shame she moved onto this guy so quickly because I could have proved to her I had changed. Everyone can see that now, even her. She has said to mutual friends that she can see that I have grown up and would make "the perfect boyfriend".

 

Your right though, she dropped enough hints for me to change and in time she probably believed I would.

 

To some degree its my fault, but I still maintain 7 years is a long long time not to give me a second chance.

[Steve 7745]

I think you had more chances then you knew to change. Heck, technically, you had 2555 chances to change. One for everyday of those seven years. I think it's possible you didn't pick up on her desire for you to change, but that doesn't mean they weren't there. Just because you didn't see it, doesn't mean it didn't exist.

 

It's not too late to change. You could start right now, today and move into gradually, one step at a time. I wouldn't bank on her coming back to you, but if she does, be ready to try again and do it right. And if not with her, then the next one.

[Godwin]

I think you had more chances then you knew to change. Heck, technically, you had 2555 chances to change. One for everyday of those seven years. I think it's possible you didn't pick up on her desire for you to change, but that doesn't mean they weren't there. Just because you didn't see it, doesn't mean it didn't exist.

 

It's not too late to change. You could start right now, today and move into gradually, one step at a time. I wouldn't bank on her coming back to you, but if she does, be ready to try again and do it right. And if not with her, then the next one.

 

I have changed hugely, I am so much more mature and far less materialistic. Plus I see my family almost every night now, previously it was fortnightly.

 

I think if my ex moves in with him the excitement will disappear soon enough. If she EVER did come back I would have to reject her advances. I have too much pride.

[keenan]

If she EVER did come back I would have to reject her advances. I have too much pride.

 

If you have more pride than love for her, maybe she made the right choice.

[Godwin]

If you have more pride than love for her, maybe she made the right choice.

 

That is something we will never know.

[redhearts]

I think your facing that she wasn't the one for you and you weren't the one for her. Leave it at that, you learn from your relationships and now you will be a better man in the next. Cheers at that.=]

[Takotsubo]

She could have met the one. You can't control someone's emotions and I've learned that people can move on very quickly. It is a crappy reality and the realization is harsh. But this final closure is what lets you drive forward.

[melrich]

Its funny though because after 1 week with me she told me that "she thought we would get married", it took her 7 years to discover that was rubbish.

 

We split up because I was unwilling to settle down

 

I think you left this girl hanging too long. She just got sick of waiting and "marriage" lost its' romance for her. She feels she has wasted 7 years and now she wants to make up for it, fast.

[Godwin]

I think you left this girl hanging too long. She just got sick of waiting and "marriage" lost its' romance for her. She feels she has wasted 7 years and now she wants to make up for it, fast.

 

Your 100% correct, its my fault to some degree but as soon as we split I suggested we get engaged, alas it was not meant to be.

 

IF/WHEN I find out she is engaged I won't be sad, I know I had plenty of chances to marry her so just need to accept it.

[yankeefan74]

You asked her to marry you when you were faced with losing her...rather than while you were with her. The difference is that you were making a decision based on what you didn't want (her out of your life) as opposed to what you wanted.

[Godwin]

You asked her to marry you when you were faced with losing her...rather than while you were with her. The difference is that you were making a decision based on what you didn't want (her out of your life) as opposed to what you wanted.

 

I know, I know, but hindsight is a great thing.

 

Its a lesson learned though, the most important one I have ever learned.

[yankeefan74]

that's all you can do is learn a lesson, try to heal, forgive yourself for any mistakes you feel you might have made, and move on when you're ready.

[jasper01]

You asked her to marry you when you were faced with losing her...rather than while you were with her. The difference is that you were making a decision based on what you didn't want (her out of your life) as opposed to what you wanted.

 

Real love does not differentiate. It remains open, willing.