Going back into therapy...

[Odysseus]

So I've discussed going back into therapy with my wife to talk through our intimacy problems. These go way back in our marriage and certainly some of our former history was due to her mental illness (BPD) and how I allowed myself to victimized by it.

 

I think the hard part for me is that she has really changed in many ways since our relationship broke down two years ago, and I trust her, I can be honest with her about my feelings without feeling like I'll get hammered...but our personalities are still very different.

 

And though we've established a new level of trust and I've tried basically "starting over" with her, the feelings are just not there. It's like I'm married to my sister or something, which worries me. My therapist and I have established that intimacy in my relationship is something I need. I'm not looking for sex, or I would have been able to pull that off with her. It's been almost two years since we had sex (literally...I've rarely really felt a level of close intimacy with her). What will it mean for our relationship if I just don't have it in me? I mean...we've been working on this for 2 years!?

 

Anyone else in this situation? I'm working at this BTW...reaching out, doing nice things for her, but again...the feelings are just not there and it's frustrating to me...and to her.

[StretchGee]

Is you wife willing and able to help? I have been in a similar position brought on by changes in my wife as a result of depression and paxil. While she is "mostly there", she is no longer the woman I married. It is difficult to describe but it is like she lost a bit of her humanity and is somewhat of a machine. She won't even consider going off the meds or even trying others, so in that we are stonewalled.

 

Are your attempts all one sided? Is she still on meds? Does she acknoledge your issue and is she willing to work it through?

[Odysseus]

Is you wife willing and able to help? I have been in a similar position brought on by changes in my wife as a result of depression and paxil. While she is "mostly there", she is no longer the woman I married. It is difficult to describe but it is like she lost a bit of her humanity and is somewhat of a machine. She won't even consider going off the meds or even trying others, so in that we are stonewalled.

 

Are your attempts all one sided? Is she still on meds? Does she acknoledge your issue and is she willing to work it through?

 

Oh...my wife is willing to help. Both of us are trying in different ways, but our marriage before she got help was very lopsided. Her accusing me of disloyalty, not loving her...controlling, manipulative. Me trying desperately to keep the marriage together for the kids and not wanting to pull the plug.

 

Again...it's like we have started over and I am not able to fall in love with her and commit to a relationship with someone I don't love....maybe haven't loved in a long time. If we didn't know each other, and just met...I wouldn't be pursuing her. Very frustrating because I love my children so much and don't want to hurt them.

 

Also frustrating because I came back to the marriage to try and work things out, but it is just not happening.

[Odysseus]

Has anyone else out there just plain stopped loving their spouse (not hatred, etc....) enough to have to make decisions about their family? Stick it out in a sexless marriage? Split? Etc.

[StretchGee]

Again...it's like we have started over and I am not able to fall in love with her and commit to a relationship with someone I don't love....maybe haven't loved in a long time. If we didn't know each other, and just met...I wouldn't be pursuing her. Very frustrating because I love my children so much and don't want to hurt them.

 

Also frustrating because I came back to the marriage to try and work things out, but it is just not happening.

 

What is not happening? Love or commitment?

 

Love can come and go in a relationship. It may be hard, but it can come back. It is still a relationship even if the burning flame of love is not there. Because you are together and you care enough for each other to remain together, then in many definitions that is love.

 

Once commitment is gone there is no relationship regardless of love.

 

So if she is willing to work on it then be grateful. Commit to working on things for five or ten years and see how things go. Talk to your therapist how you can foster love and it can return.

[Odysseus]

I understand what you are saying...which is where the commitment came from for the last two years for me...but the love just hasn't returned and it worries me.

 

We'll talk about it in therapy I guess. Of course...how long do we keep trying? 5 to 10 years seems like a long time? I'm afraid...that it won't work.

[Sparkle]

Hi Odysseus

 

I know a bit about BPD, and its pretty hard to live with.

 

Are you sure youre not holding on to some past resentments?

 

Therapy has clearly helped, but if its a typical BPD relationship, theres been a lot of drama going on, and its a pretty hard road. That being said, you obviously made a decision 2 years ago that it was worth the work.

 

What is it that you are actually feeling now about the relationship that has stopped working for you?? Are you now frightened to go back into it fearing that the bad stuff will return?? Are there things about you that you learned in therapy that have changed the way you feel?

 

You dont say how long you were with her before the breakdown 2 years ago.

What are the differences in your personalities that you feel you cant get over? Is it just a case that you have grown apart, or do you find that she wasnt what you thought she was when you first met?

 

She seems to have done the work, which may have been what you were hoping for, and i understand that you may have been very hurt in the past - but something gave you the will to try again 2 years ago. You are saying that from her part, this has now proved sucessful. So what is it that you are unhappy with??

[Odysseus]

I was (and I believe still am) scarred by the past relationship. We've been married 18 years now, and we have two kids. I came back because of my children.

 

We are polar opposites in personality in many ways. She is a complete social flirt, with few boundaries. Example...she cannot figure out that picking up someone else's cellphone and looking at the caller, acting like she's reading messages, is completely wrong. She did this to my 19 year old niece this weekend and everyone in the room was stunned. I am so embarrassed when she does this stuff, and I let her know...but things continue.

 

She jokes with my boss about giving me a raise...finally stopped discussing my income with people after about 10 years.

 

I try so hard to respect peoples boundaries. I guess, socially, she just struggles, then makes excuses when I let her know she is crossing the line.

 

We had a discussion tonight and told her, frankly, that I really felt victimized before she started getting therapy. That my stupid affair was the final stroke for someone who'd stuck with her 16 years and basically broke down at the end. Though I'll get no sympathy from this forum, it was like I had a mental breakdown with the depression and resulting affair. Only the threat of divorce, which I NEVER wanted to do got her to reconsider and get help. I don't think, even to this day, that she ever really thought of it this way...though I've told her as much in therapy, other times.

 

We share a comittment to our kids, and she has really improved in the blame department. Has stopped doing that to me.

 

I just don't know. Even with the social miscues, etc....she's really doing much better. I just...don't trust her many times. I forgive her, but don't trust if you get my meaning.

 

Folks on this forum discount the kids so often in these situations (not you...but others) by saying things like "well just leave then...it's not like you are going to die and the kids will be okay" but it doesn't work that way. My parents split and it impacted my life in many negative ways.

 

Thanks for listening.