Thoughts on Day 10.

[Steve 7745]

It's been ten days since I initiated NC. There are certain things of relief which kind of wash through you and make you feel much better afterwards. For starters, you don't worry about whether or not she has a rebound. You can't look and tell. If you look at Facebook or whatever, you're breaking NC.

 

Anyway, today I read more and more into the The Gift of Fear by Harriet Lernier. Anxiety as it seems, is an emotional reaction to instincts. Your body is reacting, telling you that something may genuinely be wrong with a situation. I can't help but think that one of the cardinal reasons a relationship falls apart is that sometimes, the dumpee-to-be feels a certain degree of anxiety. We know that something is wrong and that the end is coming. The problem is, we don't know what to do.

 

Usually, following our instincts is the absolute right thing to do with the relationship starts. If you feel uncomfortable or strange around a person, it's best to leave. If you feel genine interest in them as well as attraction, then you're on the right track.

 

But when things go wrong, our instincts are often the worst thing to follow. Fear blinds us although it's trying to help us. It's trying to tell us that something is wrong, that things aren't right. The problem is that it doesn't really provide any answers. It just screams, "Something's wrong! You got to do something fast!!"

 

And it only gets worse when anxiety makes it harder and harder to think and react appropriately. We want to fix whatever is starting to break, but then we start to take random stabs at whatever the problem can be. And in the process it starts to look like we're desperate, which in turn makes the issue worse.

 

The only solid advice I've ever gotten on it is to "pull away". To stop readily calling back and responding. Even though you may want too, you have to remind them what it would be like without you. Otherwise, if a guy breaks up with a woman, he'll regret it and come back only to do it again a few times before she learns. Or a girl will break up with the guy and try to keep him "as friends" to ensure a BUG for later, to be used when she's feeling down about some other guy.

 

Neither prospect is enjoyable. It gives the dumper a tremendous sense of power over the dumpee. It's the best of both worlds, letting the dumper have his or her whim over the relationship yet keeping them just detached enough to seek someone else.

 

The dumper loves to use lines like, "I wish you could respect how I feel..." Everyone wants the upper hand. Everyone wants the power over the other because of fear, anxiety that stems from a worry that the other could gain power over them. That suddenly, they'd be at someone ELSE'S mercy.

 

My ex reacted to NC by trying to act sly. I called her Wednesday, and when she didn't respond, I removed her from Facebook on Saturday. On Sunday she realized this and immediately responded, "omg you unfriended me!" The email was utterly pointless, and made me realize she had to have been cyber stalking me. I still have not responded.

 

Right now, when I lean back, breath carefully and just feel what my instincts are telling me, I feel something like a jumbled ball of string in my gut. It's difficult to describe, but underneath it, quiet fears come to the surface.

 

"What if she has a boyfriend by Christmas?"

"What if she doesn't respond when and if I ever break NC?"

"What if we start hanging out again and she isn't open to the thought of starting the relationship again?"

 

Now as I sit back, I remind myself that I've experienced all three circumstances:

 

1) If she's got a boyfriend, there's nothing you can do. She's taken and no good can come from trying to 'steal' her back- even if you get her, you couldn't trust her because then someone else could try to steal her from you.

 

2) If she doesn't respond, again there's nothing you can do. There will be the exs who believe that when it's over, it's over and they will not speak to you.

 

3) The final issue, and yes I've been there myself, was when a relationship ends and restarts. You can't tell if your ex genuinely just wants to be friends or is just playing coy over the relationship. The biggest challenge is the need to correct your behavior this time. That means that whatever you did before cost you relationship in the first place, so you cannot repeat it.

 

Unfortunately, this is easier said then done. When you're in the presense of that person, you feel a desire to act like you did during the "good old days". In fact, I would venture to say that this is the number one issue that would have to be tackled if you and your ex got back together again. To curb whatever behavior cost you the relationship before.

 

So with this in mind, improve who you are with the desire not to let such things happen again. If you don't learn from your past, the future is doomed to repeat itself.

[journogirl]

this is so interesting- and so accurate

 

i think alot of the time people confuse love and fear

in the last few months with my ex i was a bundle of nerves-i knew stuff was wrong and i would burst in to tears randomly-my body and my mind was trying to tell me it was wrong

 

although when i think back i felt that twisted knot alot over our 2 and a half year relationship

this is particularly as he could be rather toxic and i guess i started to feel uneasy and anxious- mixed with this were times of incredible happiness and love- this is where the confusion started- the highs and the lows- i was desperate for it to be good all of the time and sacrificed my self esteem and self worth

 

i have learnt a lesson that i should have seen these 'red flags' and left a long time ago myself

but i guess he was like my kryptonite-

 

luckily superman always finds a way to overcome kryptonite and i hope i will too

 

i do actually feel like an addict overcoming a horrible addiction-its so so hard

 

he2ectic-you are so right- ALWAYS listen to your gut

 

and dont confuse love with fear ( i know now they are very similar emotions)

 

if we dont learn lessons i believe the universe will keep throwing up the same things and same situations until we grasp the lesson and learn

 

i hope this gets easier

xx

[Butterflygrl]

yes, it is the anxiety and the whole issue of im gonna get her before she gets me. my sister said- "Look, you're letting your ego get the best of you. Just let him have this one. just say. okay you want the upper hand? I'm giving it to you. u won this one *my sis starts mock clapping* bravo. He was upset that you didn't want a friendship so he had to one up you and caught you vulnerable. That's not a man, that's a boy and what business do u ever want with a boy?" Sisters tell you like it is.. *sigh*

[starlight40]

Wise and inspirational words He2etic, arent we quite the thinker?

 

So with this in mind, improve who you are with the desire not to let such things happen again. If you don't learn from your past, the future is doomed to repeat itself.

 

- the definition of insanity is to repeat the same patterns expecting to achieve different results.

 

I sort of agree about the anxiety thing that youve been speaking about however the brain also trains itself from bad past experiences that can mar our gut response to things thereforee making an instinctual/gut reaction wrong - take the guy/girl thats been cheated on in the past for example, the ones that think wrongly that their new parter will do the same....

 

I do agree though that in some ways instinct is there to help us but its often over ruled by emotion/the heart and the feeling is lost often as youve said, because of fears.

 

Really like your threads theyre always sooo interesting