Stuck

[tranquil]

I have been dating the same guy "N" for 9 months now. When we first started dating I still liked an ex "D" but I put those feelings aside and got over him...for awhile.

 

"N" and I moved fast, we had sex within the first 2 weeks, and he was telling me he loved me after the first month. Definitely not healthy.

 

Within 4 months I became overwhelmed with how everything was going and one day when I was hanging out with "D" my feelings got the best of me and I ended up cheating on "N". I felt so horribly guilty but I couldn't bring myself to admit to "N" what I had done, so I did the worst thing possible. I forced "D" to promise not to tell anybody.

 

Of course the pressure built up and "D" told "N" and he showed up at my school to ask me what was going on. I had a chance right then to fix everything, but me being a complete coward, chose to deny it all and said that "D" was just making it all up. I put up such a convincing argument that everybody believed me and stopped hanging out with "D". More guilt.

 

So much guilt at that point that I couldn't bring myself to talk to "D". A month goes by and things eventually smooth over, and I e-mail "D" to tell him how extremely sorry I am and how I realize that I am a complete idiot who can't be trusted. For some reason he forgives me, and we're friends again.

 

Eventually "N" and I decide to go on a break, during that break I hang out with "D" and we end up making out. The next day "N" pretty much forces the end of the break, so me and "D" come to the agreement that even though we both like eachother, we're not going to do anything at all about it and not talk about that with eachother anymore.

 

Months go by. Fast forward to a couple nights ago. "N" works 3-11pm, then 7am-3 so I decide to hang out with other friends. We go to a party where I meet some new people. There's a guy at this party, coincidentally with the same name as my boyfriend, but exact same attitude as me. He's drunk, we flirt, nothing else. I develop a stupid crush, so when "N" calls me the next day to tell me he's sick and will be staying home again that night, I take that as an opportunity to go see this new guy again.

 

So I go to another party, I bring a friend with me. We get drunk, my friend ends up hooking up with the new guy. I shrug it off, they're both single, I'm taken so go with the flow. This new guy has a friend, friend is really drunk, friend hits on me. Me being drunk, take him up on the offer to make out. Only redeeming fact for me is that I refused to let him take it any farther.

 

So now I have cheated on "N" again and I have come to the conclusion that I am the worst possible girlfriend in the entire world and I do not deserve "N" at all. Problem being: "N" is completely devoted to me and even if I told him the truth he would somehow make an excuse for me to make it alright.

 

Unfortunately I have also come to the conclusion that I do not really want to be in the relationship anymore. I have no idea how to go about getting out of it without hurting him beyond belief. To make matters worse, he's getting treated for depression right now, but only because I asked him too. If we break up, he'll stop trying to fix himself and he'll become suicidal again.

 

I would really appreciate any advice on how to go about fixing this. I realize that I have to tell him about my cheating, but I don't know how to word it. I don't want to hurt him, he doesn't deserve it, I just don't know what to do...

[xXPusHedAsiDeXx]

The only solution is to sit down and talk to him and tell him what it is you want. It's just going to make things worse if you drag this out of pure sympathy, save yourself and save your boyfriend from longer hurt.

[Xetra Dax]

The best thing is to bail out of any relationship for at least 3 months, don't ever go back to your ex D, or to N. You don't deserve them, in fact if i where you id go on my knees and pray God for forgiveness for what hurt you have caused to N. You made N the rebound boy, you never were over D, and just used N for emotional comfort.

 

DONT GO INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP IF YOU HAVENT HEALED FROM THE PREVIOUS ONE.

 

Its unfair to N or anyone who could be N to put them up with that what you did. This guy devoted his life,love,time to you and for what you did you don't ever deserve him back.

 

In your next relationships and in any given future moment be far more carefull of not emotionally hurting the ones who you love, and those who love you.

[tranquil]

Thank you for the replies, and Xetra, thanks for the advice and yes I realize that I made stupid choices and I hurt N beyond anything. I am extremely ashamed of myself and have already made the decision to stay out of any relationships for atleast 4 or 5 months after I end things with N.

 

Some advice I would really appreciate from anybody is how to go about telling somebody you still care about ALOT but not romantically, who loves you more than anything in the world, that you betrayed his trust and cheated, and don't love him anymore?