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How to tell a so called friend they are your "frenemy"


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My friend, well she is actually a frenemy due to many reasons I won't list but take my word for it she has breached all trusting codes between friends! Well she wants to see me tomorrow evening. We were really close friends for the past three years up until this year. Despite the fact that she lives about 20 minutes away from me we havn't seen eachother since May. I've been avoiding her as much as I can. She called tonight as she had just arrived home from her holidays. She was oh so sugary sweet, telling me she missed me, being as lovely as possible because she knows she's got a lot of making up to do. The thing that is so manipulative about this, is that she does it straight after she knows she is guilty of being a bad friend. And she acts so nice that its impossible to be honest or confront her.


So I've agreed to seeing her as she asked me my plans for tomorrow and I stupidly said nothing, so now I have to see her. To be honest although she apologized in the past for the things she had done wrong, I havn't really forgiven her, especially as after she apologized she never bothered to make an effort to see me. During my vacation I decided that I didn't really need her or want her much in my life because I was happier when she wasn't my friend. But my feelings are complicated and when she acts all sugary I find it hard to follow through with my plan of not being friends with her. I feel cowardly being unable to tell her that I don't think she has been a friend to me at all this past year. I feel that as soon as I tell her this she will cry and get all sad because she is "emotionally vunerable". Or she will twist things around so that I look like I'm the bad one and all she ever wanted was to be a caring friend.


Anyway I don't want to be that friendly with her. So I need to tell her something that is not unpleasant but gets the message accross without being nasty. What could I say to her?

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"(name), it really hurt me when you said/did (fill in the blank). I am a forgiving person, and right now I am trying real hard to forgive you, I just don't think it is going to be that easy. So I propose we stay friends, but right now I just can't be one of your close friends".

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Well if she has done things to you in the past that were hurtful, and you cannot get over it. .. just tell her the truth. Tell her that whatever she did to you, hurt you, and you can't be friends with her anymore. That's better than beating around the bush. OR just cut her out of your life and ignore her. That is a little mean, but she will eventually get the message.

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Yeah, cut her out. If she makes significant efforts to reach out to you, I think giving them a listen would be appropriate... People can change.


There's yet another way to look at it. For me, with a friend who has acted in the way you've implied, it puts things in a very inelegant situation. You know that, for a fact, when the chips were down that this person folded on you. She had a test and she failed it... Bit you pretty bad, right?


Close friendships are based on trust. To once again become friends, at the level to which the two of you are used, will require you to take a chance on someone who has shown themselves to be unworthy of such honors in the past. Do you feel that this person is worth the risk? Truly, the only way you will know if they're worthwhile is once the chips, again, are on the table. Personally speaking, I think it'd be a rare individual who's worth that kind of gamble.

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