I dont even know what to say anymore

[mr me]

This whole time in my life has been horrible i cant find any word just bad enough to really describe it. I basically lost my memory when my ex broke up with me. I guess you can say i have really bad abandonment issues. My parents broke up before i was 1 year old. All my close friends have abandoned me. Im still trying to recover from my memory loss and its hell. My family history is haunting me as well because with our depression, anxiety, and suicidal past its like everyday i get to wake up to a psych ward. I was trying everything i could to somehow deal with my memory loss and try to deal with whatever it was but its pretty bad because ive been stuck in an ex abused person mind state. My ex was abusive to me and i never knew because it wasnt physical. I guess on top of all that craziness it was a long distance relationship of 2.5 years and ive never got to meet her or wasn't meant to meet her.

 

She still tries to contact me but i dont know its one of those weird break-up things. I thought she would love me enough to want to be with me but shes probably just struggling with the pain just like i am. Ive developed some type of addiction/obsession. I dont even know whats what. I guess if you would want to see how long and bad this has been for me you can look at my first posts where i felt like a hysterical crazy person. It still bothers me alot. Ive had alot of trouble working and have been stuck not really being able to do much. I tried therapy but i couldnt deal with it. So now im trying to see if i can go again but i dont know because the insurance im getting is thru my job which i dont want to keep for much longer. I basically feel like everyday im sick and thats the closest i can do to explain what i feel like. I dont think there is anyone in this world that could relate to what im going thru and i guess that means i just need to find my own way thru this. I also have people problems and i dont really know how to deal with it. Im not very good at dealing with people who arent alot like me because i wont get along with them that good.

 

It just feels like my whole life has been hell and back. I thought i could find a way to get thru this and become successful and enjoy my life but if im just stuck around what im stuck around now i dont know if that will ever happen. Its just like this black hole everyday in my life. I dont have any close friends or relatives so i spend almost all my time by myself. Ive tried to do things to meet new people or do different things but my depression or anxiety just comes back and takes that all away. I guess either that or somehow things dont work out. I honestly dont know how i get thru everyday dealing with all of this. I know some people have it bad but somewhere it seems like it changes or is this just the way it will always be and we just need to accept it. I sometimes dont even feel like i could accept myself for going thru all of this and i dont really know how anyone else could. I just feel like a walking zombie. I guess i need to try anti depressants but i was too suicidal before to trust taking a drug that could make me even more suicidal. I feel like in some crazy way im actually doing better its just this doesnt really feel good.

[healthseeker]

I am sorry for your pain. You wrote about some sort of memory loss. Could you explain this further? I have been in a very deep depression before when I feel sort of "shocked" and like the world is going on around me. I can't remember what it is I am suppossed to do each day, etc. I get through it and it always gets better. It is just like exhaustion mixed w/ depression. Is this what you mean? Or is it more involved?

 

Is it your ex you never met? Online relationship? You need more people in your life. Try hanging out at a coffee shop? Cool people and good conversations can be found.

 

Just know you will make it and won't always feel this bad.

[thejigsup]

You sound like you are in incredible pain. I generally am not too sympathetic with mental pain because I came through a horrible childhood by toughing it out and making something of myself through my own efforts. But I have felt great pain in my life and I can tell yours is genuine, not a pity party. Please get help. You sound like a very sensitive person and this world eats sensitive people for lunch if they don't have a coping mechanism. Please look into therapy that has a sliding scale for payments. You should not live in this kind of pain. No one should.

[mr me]

Its just funny because i havent really been able to do much for myself because of all of this. I kinda would look at it like i was living in the twilight zone because its like i was going thru so much crap it didnt feel real. Im still confused because it just feels like i have a big mental block in my head all the time so its pretty weird. People that get really depressed sometimes loose their memory because its like your blocking out whatever is going on.

 

Ive tried to do alot of things but when ur not able to see it like things will be good around you i dont care how hard you try its never going to work out. Its just because im depressed and have a family history its probably just as much a chemical imbalance so i usually dont feel good. Also i read that if its been going on for a long time it has long term effects so i guess its like my brain is used to not feeling good idk. I do feel like its all going to be up to me tho and i just dont know because all i know is that success usually comes from the people your around as much as yourself. I dont really have that so idk. I really should be asleep but im not really feeling like it so idk. I just dont really want to be tired tomorrow because i just left my job today because i wasnt feeling good.

 

Im also trying my best to deal with my sensitivity and not be so over-sensitive but if im this way i always would see it like wouldnt there be more people like myself so why am i always basically the loner because i dont have anyone else around me.

[kuhl282000]

Wow

 

You described me exactly

 

A walking Zombie, never thought of it like that. Mine is as if I'm in the giant time warp and all time seems to run together and i can't get out.

 

To bad your not around the corner or we could hang out together and be friends, I would like that. I could use a new friend right now. You are welcome to PM anytime.

 

I've been drinking a lot lately trying to kill the pain and it works for the moment and then it comes back ......

 

I just want to be happy and share my live with someone and love someone and have them love me back .....I just lost someone very dear and close to me who I loved with all my heart .....and it has taken me down to the lowest point in my life.

 

Just when i thought things could never get any lower .....they did.

 

And thoughts of sucide have all of a sudden for the first time in my life fill my brain almost everyday .......I have to fight them off .........and yet sometimes I don't feel like I have any strengh left to go on.

 

But somehow I do

 

I want my life back

[ghostgirl116]

((((((((mr.me)))))))))))

 

it will get better, sugar.

 

gg

[mr me]

I continue to appreciate that people would continue to try to say anything to help. Its been really weird because just before i wrote this i could never accept help. i really dont know why and i still dont know alot about this. I really do think it will get better i just dont know how it will be and if ill be ok with it. Its just because it could take almost my whole life to really be able to deal with what im going thru right now and i never thought i would be spending most of my life just trying to deal with my past.

 

I guess i didnt really specify how long this has been going on but my break up was over a year and 5 months ago. I still dont see it like im over her because all ive been able to do is struggle with the pain. Its like today at my job i had to hold myself together because all thru my neck i could feel so much stress and it was tightening alot. Im always kinda afraid that ill have some type of stress related problem but idk ive been ok now. I also realized that alot of what ive been struggling with was how i was in my own bubble growing up to try to get away from the pain and now that bubble just exploded and all ive been able to do is deal with it. Im still not sure how i can deal with it but im gettin thru it. I just wish i had things that i could do so i wouldnt have to be stuck with my mind on this all the time but i guess this is just how its going to be.

[jenna981]

Hi mr me- I'm going through alot of depression too. I've always been off and on with it, mostly on. Lately it seems like everything is just getting worse. Days go by slow because I don't know how to fill the time. Yet, the days don't go fast enough to get to the point where things get better and I feel better. At this point, the future is scary, wondering where I'll wind up. My breakup has been awhile too, almost 4 months; and I still feel that pain everyday and lately been crying over it like it just happened.

 

If you want to talk, you can PM me.

[mr me]

Well im sorry to hear anyone else having to go thru stuff that is as bad as depression. Its just so many people go thru it and in some ways it almost feels like everyone goes thru something bad in their life. I dont really know what to say to help but i think thats up to the person to find what works for them. I think the worst thing about it for me is how alone i already felt and now im like 100 times worse. Its just most of the time im so tuned out of what is going on around me i kinda just drift off to where i dont feel anything.

 

I guess i never said it but im trying to stop myself from pm anyone because i seem to be over co-dependent and i cant really explain so much its just weird. Its like if i like anyone i usually push them away because im too afraid to open up right now. Its like just recently i realized that me having a problem with my car just made me really depressed for like a week. I dont feel like i can stop anything from happening but im not really going out there and doing too much because in the state im in im not ok with it.

 

I will just say that i really thought i would be like this forever and even now with how bad im doing just having this happen to me was good. Its like i didnt plan this or was looking for anything and something happened to where im doing somewhat better. So im just gonna keep on doing that and see whats next.