I guess we should just break up..help needed

[sadenni]

I am at my wit's end with this relationship.

 

Sorry if it's long and a bit garbled...I am just so upset now.

 

This summer has been a roller coaster of emotions...I wrote in a previous post that back in July, he said he wanted to break up but we discussed our problems and worked it out. That lasted temporarily, and we had two serious arguments (over petty things) afterward. He got mad at me because 'I don't call him enough'. Told me I should call him throughout the day to check on him, even when he can't pick up his phone. I agreed to that...a couple days later, I slipped up and didn't call him until about 7 pm that day. I woke up late for work and wanted to run a few errands after I got off. He said I should call him, even if it's just for a minute...for some reason I just don't like to talk when I'm extremely busy or in a hurry. I like to have my day settled before I talk to him (or anyone really) because I don't want to end up taking my stress and irritation out on him. He got so angry, saying that I had no respect for the relationship, didn't take our relationship seriously, etc. and wanted to break up. Said that no other woman had made him act the way he has (getting upset, yelling, almost breaking up and getting back together).

 

I guess things are not totally resolved but as of now we are together. But I am so tired of going up and down and dealing with the same things over and over again. He is busy now because his job is most demanding around the beginning of the fall semester, and I don't feel like he is making the effort to keep our relationship going. I told him one afternoon that I'd come by his place to hang out with his roomate (a girl, who is also his best friend) that evening and I asked if he would be around. He just said 'call me' (in other words, maybe). I assumed that he would be in the office late, but that we could spend the night together. Well I called him and he didnt pick up. I called him four times and texted him and got nothing. And i'm like...WAIT... aren't you doing the same thing you asked me not to? I fell asleep in his bed and then he came in at 6:30 in the morning, saying he went to have drinks with some of his co-workers, never explained why he didn't respond to my calls/text, and that he came in at 4am and had fallen asleep on the couch. He only came to his room(where I was sleeping) because he got one of my voicemails saying that I was there. That same morning, he told me he was leaving campus for something, but never told me what. I found out from his best friend that he went to pick up some friends from Chicago and hang out with them - that's not the problem. It's that he always complains about being so pressed for time but magically has time to hang out with everyone but me. The last time we hung out (alone) was two months ago for my birthday. I don't want to be taken to lavish dinners, I dont want him to spend all his money on me. I just want time. Even if it's taking some pb & j sandwhiches to the park and just talking, that would make me so happy.

 

He is still not opening up to me, it seems like the closer we get, the more he closes up. When there's a problem I want to discuss with him, he gets defensive, argues with me till im too frustrated to talk, and then suggests that we break up...which makes me upset and then i give in to this crap all over again. I can't take it. HE ALWAYS THINKS HE IS RIGHT. I cannot deal with someone who won't compromise. He says he has gotten better at the little things that bothered me earlier in the relationship and that I am too blind to see them. ???????????????

 

I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone else and this is breaking my heart so badly! I just want to be happy. im frustrated and confused right now. I'm in tears as I'm typing this. Where did all this go wrong? There used to be so much love and communication between us.

[jasper01]

Well one thing is that he's being ambivalent and that's not going to work. You probably need more of a commitment than he is making. So you may have to say to him that you understand he has mixed feelings, but that he is going to have to get beyond his feelings to make this work with you.

 

If one or both of you sees issues coming up as a bad thing to be avoided, ultimately this isn't going to work.

 

Another way to look at it is that relationships that bring up a lot of issues are good ones because they give us the opportunity to really work on and heal ourselves. The more you mean to each other the more of the woundedness from childhood surfaces. Accept that if two people become very important to each other, you are going to project your stuff on each other. That's a fact - you can either work with it or not. It happens because as we become more bonded and important to each other, the value of the relationship goes up. As the value goes up, we become much more concerned/fearful - and sometimes not consciously. When it becomes valuable enough, the issues start to come out without our really wanting them to. So the question becomes, are both of you able to understand and see that and willing to work it through. It takes a strong commitment and an adult attitude, because the issues aren't going to go away - at least not without years of healing. How you handle the issues in the meantime though can make all the difference. So that instead of fighting with each other you are understanding and forgiving of what causes the other pain. But that has to include a realization in both people that what hurts us or makes us angry is not really our partner's fault. If you really care about him, you might suggest that you think things aren't working and the two of you should go for counseling. A good counselor will be able to show him that the issues that are coming up for him are his responsibility to deal with and not yours. And if it isn't possible to convince him of that, then yes it may be best to end things because that says he is not ready to do this work. Nothing has gone wrong, the two of you are just more involved than you were in the beginning Not everyone is ready for all levels of relating though and we have to take that into account when deciding who to commit to.

[sadenni]

It'd be nice if we could go to counseling, but he is quite stubborn and doesn't like getting people to help him handle his personal problems. We've been together just under a year and we are a younger couple. I'm 21 and he's 28...I admit that would feel a bit strange going to couple's therapy at my age....

 

But how do you convince someone like him that they need help?

[kuhl282000]

But I am so tired of going up and down and dealing with the same things over and over again

 

'I don't call him enough'

 

never explained why he didn't respond to my calls/text,

 

It's that he always complains about being so pressed for time but magically has time to hang out with everyone but me.

 

He is still not opening up to me, it seems like the closer we get, the more he closes up

 

When there's a problem I want to discuss with him, he gets defensive

 

I can't take it. HE ALWAYS THINKS HE IS RIGHT

 

I cannot deal with someone who won't compromise.

 

I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone else and this is breaking my heart so badly

 

There used to be so much love and communication between us

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

I just has a wonderful lady in my life for 5 years that I loved dearly

 

I found the same exact thing was happening to me

 

Your story sounds like my story

 

I have found that when you try and get close to someone because you love them ......well they put up walls for whatever reason and they shut you out

It can be done in several ways, shutting you out, avoiding you, trying to control you.

And for us its really simple....open up, love us back .....they make it so very complicated .......

 

I had to leave in the end as hard as that was for me and one sentence coming from her lips could have changed our lives, I think of her everyday. But because of they fact that they have to be right all the time kills everything.

 

Just a few kind words with loving compassion is all we ever wanted.

 

Mine is gone now, so don't be like me ......you may have to get very mad at this person ........one last time .....but break through before he breaks you. I found that they respond better when you get angry at them (draining) rather then be quiet and withdraw. The truth is they have issues they have never dealt with and really don't want to be known .....at least not just yet. Go get a book its called "Why am I afraid to tell you who I am" After reading it, you'll understand him 100% better. It's about people who wear masks ....and we're the ones trying to tear them off. And they don't like that very much. Because if we expose them, they are afraid we might not love them ......when actually thats all we ever wanted to do in the first place .....but they don't know that.

 

I could not take it anymore, and in the end I ended up leaving her (saddest day of my life) ......I needed some peace of mind again.

 

Good Luck .....you're going to need some...If you don't deal with him soon, you will end up going nuts.

[sadenni]

I'm sorry you had to go through so much. are you still friends with her? how did you cope with the breakup?

[christianna]

I am going to look this book up.