should breaking up be a last resort?

[gracerules2008]

Well should breaking up be a last resort or should it be the first option that couples should take at the first sign of problems? What do you think?

 

I would like to believe that breaking up is a last resort and I don't think I would date a woman who didn't feel the same way. I would hope that my girlfriend would confront me when she's not happy and give me time to "repent" and change course first.

 

But it seems like we live in a throw away society. Breaking up is encouraged as the first option at the first sign of problems or unhappiness in the relationship. If that is the case why bother dating? I have to be almost perfect before I'm worthy to stick around with.

 

I guess this throw away mentality in society and even reading posts on ENA is the reason I've become hard and rather driven to look for reasons to break up with my girlfriend first before she has a chance to break up with me.

 

I figure if this is the way most relationships operate then I better make it a point to dump my girlfriend first before she finds a reason to dump me so I can at least protect my dignity and ego.

 

I don't want to be that way. I hope I don't have to be. I want to be the guy who breaks up only as a last resort. So far my girlfriend seems to feel the same way about breaking up but only time will tell. We haven't been together that long.

 

Most of the advice here encourages women to break up if he's gained weight. Break up if he's lost his job. Break up if he's losing sex drive. Break up if he procrastinates household chores such as painting that fence.

 

Okay if these are all reasonable things that warrant a break up then are there any flaws and mistakes a man can make that do NOT warrant a break up? I'm sure it will vary from woman to woman.

 

Why do I place emphasis on the women dumping men? because research indicates that 90% of the breakups involve women being the dumpers. Even in 10% of cases where the man is dumping 80% of those cases the woman purposely sets it up for him to want to end it so she doesn't have to look or feel like the bad person.

[Mutley]

Yes...woman do most of the breaking up. It's important to note that (in many, NOT ALL cases) men get complacent and start taking her for granted. Women need a maintenance program of romance and affection. Now, I'm qualifying this here...she HAS got to be a GOOD woman. If you have a pscycho or a user...nothing will work.

 

For example, I tried everything in my last relationship....nothing could or would make her happy. My fault for hanging on too long.

 

Lastly, don't make yourself crazy over this.

[tina-rocks]

Hi,

 

In my case it's the other way round. I have tried everything with my husband but to no avail.

 

I will be going into hospital next month with the knowledge that after 17 years together in which in November will have been 12 married he no longer loves me.

 

What do you do when they say that. I think men and women can be equally awful to each other. Neither one is better in that respect. I have seen both women and men break each others hearts.

 

Tina

[Mutley]

Well, you have to have a GOOD man too...one who's willing to work at it. It's a two way street.

[renaissancewoman101]

I would rather work things out than breakup.

 

But then I don't do breakups. I don't think I've ever been the one to actually "break-up" with someone.

[gracerules2008]

I can't break up with someone without bringing the pain of regret on myself. In the back of my mind I hear a voice asking "what if I've made a terrible mistake?"

[renaissancewoman101]

I can't break up with someone without bringing the pain of regret on myself. In the back of my mind I hear a voice asking "what if I've made a terrible mistake?"

 

I fully understand what you mean. That is why I could never break up with someone. I would always worry if I made the right choice or not.

[Day_Walker]

Breaking up should be the first option with certain issues. How important the issue is will determine if it by itself is grounds for breaking up.

[annie24]

i think it depends on how long you have been together, what the issues are, and if you have children. a relationship of 3 weeks where some very bad behavior is seen early on, leave. no point in staying miserable. people are on their best behavior in the beginning and if that is their best behavior, then you should just leave. on the other hand, a married couple with 3 kids may want to really try harder to stay together.

 

In the case of abuse, you should leave right away. your life is at stake. tons more people die from spousal abuse than plane crashes, but you always see plane crashes make the headlines, but not the thousands and tens of thousands of women battered by their husbands and boyfriends.

[shes2smart]

The only break-ups we can claim intimate knowledge of are our own.

 

If you are not one of the parties involved in the relationship, you're not seeing the entire picture...there's no way you can. A lot of times what looks like "one small thing" from the outside is, in actuality, the last straw in a long-time pattern of behavior. So it may appear that "he didn't do his share of the chores and she dumped him" or "she lost her job, and he broke up with her" to the outside, but I guarantee you it's likely there's more to it than that.

 

For me, I know the break-ups I initiated all boiled down to one thing: Not being listened to. The details varied, but had the other party actually listened and worked with me to address the problem, who knows if a break-up would've been necessary. Seems like many of my exes liked to blindly assume if they were happy, I was happy and all was fine. You give people chances...but even the most tolerant of us have a point where we simply cannot give "another chance"...again because nothing has really changed.

 

You want to avoid breaking up? My advice is to learn to really LISTEN to your partner, take their concerns seriously (even if they seem silly to you), and realize that it takes two people putting forth their effort on a continual basis to make a relationship work.

[annie24]

wow, as always, you are brilliant s2s. thinking back on my last 2 relationships, i wish that those guys took that time to understand why i was bothered by the things that i was. i felt like my feelings were really discounted, and they didn't take the time to understand why i was unhappy with some of their behavior.

[shes2smart]

wow, as always, you are brilliant s2s. thinking back on my last 2 relationships, i wish that those guys took that time to understand why i was bothered by the things that i was. i felt like my feelings were really discounted, and they didn't take the time to understand why i was unhappy with some of their behavior.

 

Thanks for the self-esteem boost, m'dear.

 

Do you know that if you went back in time to any historical time period, you'd find people who KNEW that things were going to hell in a handbasket because of (fill in whatever evidence they wanted to use)?

 

To say that people throw away relationships in the present time "too easily" is over-simplifying and, to some extent, "crying wolf."

 

If it's a big crime -- physical abuse, cheating -- most people don't negatively judge someone for leaving a relationship. If it's a long series of smaller crimes (that we, as outside observers, don't know all the details about), we start saying things like "disposable society" and "throwaway relationships." But it's the long series of smaller crimes that will wear on people over time. Feeling like one is not being listened to, understood or taken for granted or patronized will eventually kill whatever positive feelings one had for one's partner.

 

One reason relationships lasted longer in times past is because women had fewer options -- they were much more dependent on a male spouse because society was different and most women did not work (and those who did earned less). If there had been more options, would our ancestors have stuck it out or would they do what we do now that we have those options?

 

Point being, there's a larger picture in which our lives play out. You have to look at ALL the reasons why people stayed together longer in times past than they do now. Not just condemn people who are alive today as being too quick to throw in the towel.

[gracerules2008]

So you don't think I should listen to that voice in my head that tells me I am probably making a terrible mistake when I am dumping a girl?

[annie24]

So you don't think I should listen to that voice in my head that tells me I am probably making a terrible mistake when I am dumping a girl?

 

well, write out the 'story of the relationship' and all the pros and cons, and imagine your best friend or brother told you the story. if you would want better for him, if you would tell him to break up, then you are probably doing the right thing.

[shes2smart]

So you don't think I should listen to that voice in my head that tells me I am probably making a terrible mistake when I am dumping a girl?

 

Depends on why you want to end the relationship...and depends on what's behind the voice telling you that you are making a mistake. Often times our fear can speak to us in very reasonable, logical sounding ways...but being run by fear (whether it's fear of being alone, fear of finding another relationship, fear of hurting the other person) generally isn't a good way to operate.

 

If you have put forth all the effort you know you want to and/or are capable of and things still aren't working...it's time to move on. Your reasons don't have to make sense to anyone but you, really.

 

After a while...and if you are paying attention...you start to learn what works and what doesn't work for you in a relationship. Once you start to get a good handle on that, it becomes easier to determine when you're really done and when you're just going through a down cycle.

[jasper01]

If the relationship is primarily a place to get your needs met, and you have raised the issue many times and the person is not changing, then it is certainly reasonable and appropriate to break up.

 

If the relationship is a place to express love, and work on healing and changing yourself through the issues that come up for you in the relationship, then it is happier in the long run to stay with it. But both people have to commit to that, be on the same page, and willing to go through it.

[John Bendix]

If the relationship is primarily a place to get your needs met, and you have raised the issue many times and the person is not changing, then it is certainly reasonable and appropriate to break up.

 

If the relationship is a place to express love, and work on healing and changing yourself through the issues that come up for you in the relationship, then it is happier in the long run to stay with it. But both people have to commit to that, be on the same page, and willing to go through it.

 

Jasper,

 

Once again I aprreciate your point.

 

So the question is, is the relationship based on egoic needs being met or is it a chance to reach a higher awareness of ourselves and those we have a strong connection to?

 

Unfortunately, most of the relationships that people "seek" (which is egoic in nature to begin with) are ones that suit their needs. If they are not being met, whatever they may be, they feel justified in leaving. But in the world of the ego, needs are fufilled only temporarily and something else is perceived to be lacking (even if it is the same need all over again) and the cycle continues.