nothanks Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 The latest news in my break-up healing is pretty good, in an odd way. I wrote in an earlier thread about my BF of 17 months, who left with no warning one night, not even a note. It's been rough for me, getting over him. As usual with breakups, I felt abandoned, and in crisis. I feel like I will not survive. I usually go into a deep depression, which I did this time, plus a new fun thing: anxiety and panic attacks. A couple of weeks ago he moved out of state and spent a few days with me, finally confessing to things he had done- cheating and lying, and hiding all sorts of activities. I had known SOMETHING was wrong, but he kept telling me that I was paranoid, and that it hurt him that I "haven't trusted" him "since day one." So, it was really amazing to find out that I was right. Still, I was having trouble letting go. Part of the problem was that I am broke and my house is ripped apart due to remodeling he started and never finished. I was feeling desperate about my life, and how to survive it alone - with the added bonus of being broke, no job, house wrecked. I had supported him for nearly a year, too, and felt really ripped off. Anyway, he agreed to come up this past week, to help do things. It turns out there were more things, many many more things he had been lying about and hiding. More cheating, more secrets. Some of it was tough. He had confessed that the woman he had moved in with after moving out, and lied to me about, and lied to her about me, and was with us both, was still in his life, which he had also lied about. I was pretty hurt. He said he hadn't told her he was back in town, and wasn't going to. That she meant nothing to him. Soon after that, wqe'd been out and he was fllrting with a stranger. I felt a little jealous, but ready to take that step, and said I'd go home alone and he could be with her. He was amazed. I said, "Well if it was "Jane" (the woman he had been lying about) I would not be ok. That would be WAYYYY to painful, but this woman is a stranger." He said he wanted to go home with me, he was here to help me. But then told me a little later that he had to confess something. "I want to go f*** Jane." He looked me right in the eyes and said it. It was so hard. I'm a bit overweight, and she's got a tiny little body, which I know he prefers. I felt so jealous about how he had lied to me about her so many times, and I knew it was good he was being honest, but I just lost it for a bit. But, after that, he confessed a lot more stuff. He also said that he had wanted to leave me many many times, almost since the earliest months. Things he had confessed to before - sleeping with someone from work but only ONCE turned out to be a lie, it had been multiple times. He told me some pretty shockign things. He cried. I didn't. Then he said he was tired and would have to finish the next day. In the end I didn't ask too many more questions before he left. He really didn't want to get into it again the next day, and I figured I knew enough. I still have questions though, they keep bubbling up. Sometimes I dismiss them, sometimes they just keep popping up- For example, he had this friend Susan, this skinny little thing, 20 years younger. She was a lesbian, but also a prostitute of some sort. At first he let me hang out with her, too, so we could be friends. But then he stopped, and started going there over night. I know, it's crazy, but I believed him when he claimed that he was just going to get a break when things were bad with us. I knew that they hung out and played Uno or whatever, or so he said, and he was really offended that I suspected more. Well, it turns out they also slept naked together and she let him do this or not, but "NOT have sex." I am sure there is more than that but he won't admit it. Anyway, tonight I was remembering that she was texting him a lot one night. He said she was having a birthday party, and that he didn't want to go. Said she was renting a limo and really wanted him there. I was hurt that she didn't invite me and said so, but he never answered, as so often was his way. I was so used to that sort of move that I didn't even notice. But tonight the whole thing popped into my head. After that, there were more odd things. I suppose it doesn't matter. So why is this a gift? I'll explain later... Link to comment
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