The gift of truth

[nothanks]

The latest news in my break-up healing is pretty good, in an odd way.

I wrote in an earlier thread about my BF of 17 months, who left with no warning one night, not even a note.

 

It's been rough for me, getting over him. As usual with breakups, I felt abandoned, and in crisis. I feel like I will not survive. I usually go into a deep depression, which I did this time, plus a new fun thing: anxiety and panic attacks.

 

A couple of weeks ago he moved out of state and spent a few days with me, finally confessing to things he had done- cheating and lying, and hiding all sorts of activities. I had known SOMETHING was wrong, but he kept telling me that I was paranoid, and that it hurt him that I "haven't trusted" him "since day one."

 

So, it was really amazing to find out that I was right. Still, I was having trouble letting go. Part of the problem was that I am broke and my house is ripped apart due to remodeling he started and never finished. I was feeling desperate about my life, and how to survive it alone - with the added bonus of being broke, no job, house wrecked. I had supported him for nearly a year, too, and felt really ripped off.

 

Anyway, he agreed to come up this past week, to help do things. It turns out there were more things, many many more things he had been lying about and hiding. More cheating, more secrets.

 

Some of it was tough. He had confessed that the woman he had moved in with after moving out, and lied to me about, and lied to her about me, and was with us both, was still in his life, which he had also lied about. I was pretty hurt. He said he hadn't told her he was back in town, and wasn't going to. That she meant nothing to him.

Soon after that, wqe'd been out and he was fllrting with a stranger. I felt a little jealous, but ready to take that step, and said I'd go home alone and he could be with her. He was amazed. I said, "Well if it was "Jane" (the woman he had been lying about) I would not be ok. That would be WAYYYY to painful, but this woman is a stranger."

 

He said he wanted to go home with me, he was here to help me. But then told me a little later that he had to confess something. "I want to go f*** Jane." He looked me right in the eyes and said it.

 

It was so hard. I'm a bit overweight, and she's got a tiny little body, which I know he prefers. I felt so jealous about how he had lied to me about her so many times, and I knew it was good he was being honest, but I just lost it for a bit.

 

But, after that, he confessed a lot more stuff. He also said that he had wanted to leave me many many times, almost since the earliest months. Things he had confessed to before - sleeping with someone from work but only ONCE turned out to be a lie, it had been multiple times. He told me some pretty shockign things. He cried. I didn't. Then he said he was tired and would have to finish the next day. In the end I didn't ask too many more questions before he left. He really didn't want to get into it again the next day, and I figured I knew enough.

 

I still have questions though, they keep bubbling up. Sometimes I dismiss them, sometimes they just keep popping up- For example, he had this friend Susan, this skinny little thing, 20 years younger. She was a lesbian, but also a prostitute of some sort. At first he let me hang out with her, too, so we could be friends. But then he stopped, and started going there over night.

 

I know, it's crazy, but I believed him when he claimed that he was just going to get a break when things were bad with us. I knew that they hung out and played Uno or whatever, or so he said, and he was really offended that I suspected more. Well, it turns out they also slept naked together and she let him do this or not, but "NOT have sex." I am sure there is more than that but he won't admit it.

 

Anyway, tonight I was remembering that she was texting him a lot one night. He said she was having a birthday party, and that he didn't want to go. Said she was renting a limo and really wanted him there. I was hurt that she didn't invite me and said so, but he never answered, as so often was his way. I was so used to that sort of move that I didn't even notice. But tonight the whole thing popped into my head. After that, there were more odd things.

 

I suppose it doesn't matter.

 

So why is this a gift? I'll explain later...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh man...this guy has major problems...you are so much better off without this creep. The issue is not your weight vs these skinny women..he lies and cheats on them as well. He is the ultimate in sleazy. Make sure you get yourself tested for STDs. I wouldn't even want to talk to him again...I need a shower just reading about his antics.

[sweeth tooth cadet]

man this guy has put u through alot do u still wanna continue to let him do more stuff to you?

 

He has major issues and he's lied to you about so much stuff to be honest i respect you a whole lot for being able to take the thruth the wya u have and for all the crap he's putting u through.

 

I think you may be better off without this person who continues to take and take from you and ur life. Keepp ur head up alright worry Im abit short will post more later I have to run now

[Pappers]

Sounds like he has an excuses machine he turns on whenever you are around. What a bad egg. It's up to you now to love yourself so that you never accept this type of person in your life again... I know you can do it!

[nothanks]

Pappers- exactly right. All I can do with this mess is try to learn. I have gone SO far into the red on this one. I have put up with SO much. It has to be for a reason- I have to get something out of it.

 

This has to be when I

STOP CHASING AFTER PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT ME

STOP ALLOWING PEOPLE TO MISTREAT ME

STOP IGNORING MY OWN SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR WHY SOMEONE TREATS ME BADLY

STOP TRYING TO GET SOMEONE BACK WHEN THEY LEAVE ME

STOP SACRIFICING FOR A RELATIONSHIP

STOP GIVING MORE THAN I GET

STOP ACCEPTING LESS THAN I DESERVE

STOP GETTING INVOLVED WITH EGOTISTICAL NoN-GIVING PEOPLE

 

Etc.

 

This has got to be the end of all that.

 

But it still hurts so freaking bad. I can't figure out how to stop the images from going through my head- the lies, the questions, the humiliation.

 

Right up to the end, taking him to the airport Friday, giving him more money as he walked to the train station to catch his train, right up to the end... I let him lie to me, manipulate me.

 

I am full of nausea over all of it.

 

And so damn lonely. No friend left, it feels like, burned all my bridges trying to save this relationship.

 

And now it seems so clear. He was never here. He was a lie, a falsehood. All he had to do was flash some lights in some mirrors and I thought he was everything I imagined.

 

Anyway, it's ugly inside of me right now. I feel like such a loser.

 

I can't even sleep in my bedroom anymore. I'm thinking about renting out the 2nd floor of the house, where he and I spent so much time - him pretending to be happy, me thinking I was happy, or me alone, crying and waiting waiting waiting for him to call, text, anything- but he was out with strangers or friends having sex. Letting total strangers- men even - have sexual contact with him in porn shops, having ongoing sexual relations with people he swore were just friends (and how could I be so paranoid, he would accuse me of being paranoid).. it is disgusting.

 

You bet I will get tested- for everything under the sun. I can't get clean enough. I feel rotten inside.

 

It's a horrible time for me.

[nothanks]

I want to figure out how to stop this cycle- the abandonment fear that makes me hold on to the worst human I could find.

I wish so much that I wasn't alone tonight. It feels impossible to get through another night. Honestly. It feels so impossible.

 

I just talked to my therapist and she said this is just a bad part I'm going through, and I will get through it. Like driving through an ugly part of the countryside to get where you're going. She said, "Like driving through Gary, Indiana," but I don't want to offend anyone here from Gary.

[nothanks]

So, the reason i called this the Gift of Truth is because if he had not taken the time and effort to come here, up from California, and had not bothered to tell me more of the truth, and shown me, with his actions, who he really is and what he is capable of, I would still be all sad that things ended, and wistful, and missing him.

 

I'm still hooked- still addicted to him, to wanting his attention, I'm not over it yet - I know because I still want him to apologize, to be here and tell me he's sorry, but I also know I want nothing to do with him, that I want to never ever see him again, or hear his voice that means nothing to me but pain.

 

Both the sensations live in me, and fight each other.

 

Anyway, I was saying that because he came up here I get to see who he is, but more importantly, get to see who I AM - I am someone who would think that such a man, such a liar and user is someone who loves me! Is worth fighting for! I am someone who overrode every screaming voice in my head and believed the lamest lies he told me. Just to have his "love."

 

I am that sick, that far gone.

 

That was the gift.

 

And the really funny thing is that he came up here, I now suspect, just to get drugs, and just to see the woman he was sleeping with after (or perhaps before) he left me.

 

It is so sick. But that is the gift.