I really need some advice here about a new relationship

[kdsome1]

I am new here and searching for advice from others regarding my new relationship. A little background here: I have been friends with a 44-year-old man for 21 years. We have always been close over the years and have always been in a relationship with someone. I divorced about 3 years ago and he is in the process of a divorce right now (just waiting on a court date). He asked me out to dinner about a month ago and for the next three weeks, we spent almost every evening together. We ended up kissing one night and both of us joked that we have become even “better friends” and he told his family and friends that we were dating. We both agreed that we are looking forward to seeing where our relationship will go. The next few days he called me morning, noon and night and then we would spend our evenings together. Three weeks of great conversation, hugs, kisses and time together……ALONE.

His wife left the state with her son that he has pretty much raised from the age of 4 until now at the age of 16. Here is my dilemma: His step-son has a girlfriend that calls the man I am seeing all of the time. She is 16 as well. She invites him to eat out constantly. She calls him during the day and night (sometimes at midnight). She shows up at his house unannounced. She wants to clean his house for him since he is such a “nice man” as she puts it. She works at McDonald’s and calls him every night she is working to come to town and join her for supper on her break. Most of the time he goes when invited.

A week ago I called his mobile phone and a female voice answers. She states that she is the girlfriend and I am calling too much. He takes the phone away and tells me it is her joking around and that she had invited him out for Chinese. He seems to be hanging on to her because of the fact that she and his son were so close and spent a lot of time together at his home the past two years. This boy has now broken up with her because of the distance. She has been quite dramatic the past week over this and constantly calling and crying to the man I am trying to start a relationship with. Last week she went to his house and told him that the reason she is having such a hard time is because she has been sleeping with the son (he was totally in denial that this was going on). How many 16-year-olds go to a grown man (that isn’t even her father) and tell them about her past sexual shenanigans? She said that she can’t let go of the son because of this. She constantly calls him to ask if he has heard from him.

During the past couple of weeks I have been cut off in the middle of a conversation because she is ringing in on the other line and he feels the need to answer her calls. I have been at his home visiting and have had to sit there for 30 minutes while they talk. She calls because she is “bored” and doesn’t know what to do. She calls and talks about going to college (when she still has another 2 years to worry about it!) It seems like she uses every excuse in the book to call or see him lately. I have noticed that my calls go unanswered, our conversations are less and less, our weekends are so different as well. We were seeing one another on Friday night, Saturday and night, and Sundays. Now I am lucky to get one of those three days with him. The relationship has suddenly turned one-sided with me being the one to even initiate any sort of communication.

I was at his home last night when she called at midnight. He didn’t answer the phone. I was with him tonight and she called. He told her that he was going for a drive. He didn’t even mention that I was with him. She called his home when I was there two hours later and still didn’t mention that I was there watching a movie with him. He just told her that he was watching TV. I also heard him tell her that he would be asleep later in the night and that he would just have to talk to her tomorrow sometime. I could tell from the conversation that she was planning to go to his house tomorrow to have him look at her car. I guess it is making some sort of noise. This girl knows who I am and was extremely rude to me at the drive-thru about a week ago. When I mentioned this to him, he seemed to be very upset and said that he knows she likes me and doesn’t understand why she would treat me differently. Well she just found out the week before that we were seeing one another.

Her constant need for attention and phone conversation seems to have increased even more so since she learned this. My question is this: Do I have a right to be upset? We are just dating after all and not in a serious commitment at this time. He jokes about her being a second child to him but doesn’t seem to pick up on the signs that I do. I think she is developing a serious crush on him. Do you think I should just sit back and see what happens? Should I approach him about my concerns? I really need advice here. I know that this is a truly good man with a big heart. I do not want to scare him off or make ultimatums but I feel like the start of something very special has just gone down the tubes with her and her drama constantly taking up all of his time. I just need opinions here please. Thank you for reading.

[Whiskers]

I don't think it has to be too much for him to listen to, if you sit him down with a soft smile and tell him that you are feeling a little uncomfortable. You can tell him that you don't mean to pressure him into anything and state that maybe he doesn't feel you have a right to talk about it, but you are feeling pretty raw due to the girls intrusion.

Tell him your fears and how you feel about the girls lack of respect for you - he needs to address this or it will be as if he also disrespects you by putting her first over you.

Give the man enough credit to take it on board and do something about it, and give yourself a pep talk - if you scare him off he isn't worth it and you are!

 

XXXX

[Batya33]

My guess is that since he is still married and hasn't had a minute of time to enjoy the single life (single meaning not married, or at least divorced), there is a big part of him that is thoroughly enjoying the attention from this young girl who has an obvious crush on him. He is an adult as compared to this teenager and has full control to say to her that she is crossing the line (whether or not you were in the picture). Also it lets him keep some of the comforts of family life, since she was a part of the family (and you were not).

 

It sounds like you are telling yourself there's no commitment here (which is true, and also he is still committed to his wife) but your heart/feelings feel otherwise. He is sensing this and likely is not ready to jump into something else, so this flirtation and ego stroking allows him to keep a certain emotional distance from you.

 

It might help if you remember how you felt before you were legally divorced and legally single, and what it felt like the year after you were legally single.