Is it time for a change?

[Jay2008]

I read through the previous posts and found some similar situations but also wanted to get some opinions on my current situation which has been keeping me up late at night for a while.

 

I am now 37 years old and I've been married to my wife for 11 years now. We had our good and bad days like every couple. We are both still pretty attractive people. I helped her build her business to a very nice level and I am still an important part of her business. We can probably both do well on our own (even though together we're very comfortable financially).

 

After all these not too exciting years accepting that life is OK as long as there is not much trouble, I met someone I connected right away (and she is actually older than my wife). I sure wasn't looking for any excitement or trouble, but we just hit it off the second we met. It's now been over 1 month and my feelings towards this person is increasing by day. Me and my wife long ago decided that we weren't going to have children, but I actually would want to start a family with this person. Because of both of our situations, we did not go any further than talking to each other (not even kissing), but we have a lot of common interests and everything just feels right for both of us. I also don't want to get into a sexual relationship while I'm still married.

 

I think that if I left my wife, it would crush her. I respect her as a person but love has been gone a long time ago for me. She still tells me that she loves me but I am not sure how much of these words are true and how much is said out of convenience. I really believe that my feelings for this new person are deeper than just physical attraction. I am considering moving to a place on my own for a little while and decide what I want to do with my life. Any suggestions?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is this other woman married as well? Have you tried to spice up your marriage? Remember that if you divorce your wife to be with this woman, 10 years from now you might be in the same situation...bored with this woman and looking for another woman to bring excitement back. You are speculating on how your wife feels about you based on your own desire to walk out of the marriage to be with someone new. I think it is time to sit down and talk to your wife about getting the marriage back to an exciting place. If both of you fell out of love and there is no salvaging this then of course you should both move on...but it doesn't sound like you are even attempting to fix your marriage. The honeymoon period in a relationship doesn't last forever...no matter which woman you would move on to, you would face the same issue.

[Timebandit]

Don't leave someone just because you have found someone else. That is just a temporary release from the problems.

 

If youre gonna leave your wife, then do it without the promise of someone waiting for you.

[Karmageddon]

1 month? So your wife is OK to just mark time with until you found something better? I have a problem when people post about the "loveless marriage" or "friend marriage" that they are so unhappy with, but never leave. I would love to see a post here where someone actually was in a loveless marriage or whatever you want to call it & left...without having any one "new" to go to. If it was really time for a change, you would have done it earlier & now you would actually be free to date this woman the "right" way and your wife would know that you were actually unhappy & not just leaving her for another woman.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

EXACTLY.

 

For some reason, some men seem to believe that the "honeymoon period" will last forever. No, dears. It only lasts forever if you ditch the woman you're with as soon as that "feeling" runs out...which means that the only thing that's gonna last forever is your sad and lonely bachelorhood. If that's your priority, fine.

But remember we all age and someday you may regret not having dedicated yourself to someone you loved because when you need someone to dedicate themselves to you, there will be no "honeymooners" waiting to take care of you.

[Jay2008]

Thank you all for the feedback. I am taking everything you are saying very seriously. I should have mentioned this earlier; this other person was recently engaged but things did not work out and it is now over between them two. She is a very nice person and would not want me to leave my wife just for her. I also do not want to leave my wife because I found a replacement either.

 

Yes, new relationships are exciting at first; I am realistic and I do know well that the first excitement eventually dies down. I also do know that me and my wife probably should have had counseling a long time ago to see if we could bring more excitement to our marriage. Even though I still would like to make it work, I believe that feelings against one another should come naturally. You should not have to force yourself to love someone.

 

I probably should have done something about this a long time ago, but I thought that things would get better. We always talked about spicing things up, but when it came to doing something about it, we always fell short. If we can't make it work within the next few months, I think that I should just leave to be by myself for a while.

[Timebandit]

I also do know that me and my wife probably should have had counseling a long time ago to see if we could bring more excitement to our marriage. Even though I still would like to make it work, I believe that feelings against one another should come naturally. You should not have to force yourself to love someone.

 

File that under "irrational beliefs". Yes, love happens naturally, but in long-term relationships it often gets buried under a lot of other stuff. And counseling is not about forcing anything, most of all not about forcing love. Its more about removing the garbage that now prevents you from feeling the love that once was there.

 

I probably should have done something about this a long time ago, but I thought that things would get better. We always talked about spicing things up, but when it came to doing something about it, we always fell short. If we can't make it work within the next few months, I think that I should just leave to be by myself for a while.

 

Sounds like you checked emotionally out of the marriage long time ago. And perhaps it is too late now. But I encourage you to work with your assumtions and beliefs, before you attempt to enter a long-term relationship again. If not both of you, I think at least you should consider conseling.