Tough Love or Sympathy?

[Steve 7745]

Today I feel surlier then usual. Probably an effect of releasing some of my anguish yesterday in order to pave the way for some anger. Perhaps some of this leaks into my thinking today, but it gives rise to an interesting conflict on these boards that extends both on our internal methods to help each other, and on the people who we loved and left us.

 

I want to lay a disclaimer upon this thread that I do not as of yet, see any right or wrong answers. Today I glanced through several postings made. Some I felt a degree of sympathy for. "My boyfriend cheated on me! I treated him fairly and loved him!" Still others, I felt a pang of... well, I won't lie. Felt that the person's current discontent was somewhat deserved, "I left my ex for my current guy and I feel guilty!! Please don't judge me!"

 

Sometimes, I wondered how people would react to a similar situation occurring to them. Say, the boy left the girl because he had genuine feelings for another one. Of course we wouldn't condone his actions, why would we have sympathy for a girl who did the same? Gender is not the issue. We cannot have a double standard and then expect equivalent treatment.

 

And I'm not necessarily speaking out to the defense of men everywhere. There are many, many men I would never trust. I have been betrayed by good and best friends. I've seen and heard true stories of such a sociopathic nature that my blood runs cold remembering them. I've watched true gentlemen become morally corrupted by the very person they loved and who hurt them.

 

And sometimes, that said man was actually me.

 

For those of us out there who give only sympathy to everyone on this board. I thank you for your generousity and kindness, but also ask of you, is it right to reward bad behavior? Not everyone who comes here is of a decent nature. Some of my plight has been, such as my most recent ex. But not all of it has, such as my relationship with L. To this day, although I have done much to accept, embrace and let go of the guilt, I am still not proud of what I had done to her.

 

Human beings are generally good. We do not have a sense of morality built into who we are- that can only come with time and experience, but we do possess a combination of a sense of altruism with selfishness, and both are necessary to who we are. We form relationships to achieve what we as people need. We have selfishness in order to better advance and understand what is needed for ourselves. We need both altruism and selfishness to survive, but too much of either will destroy us. For those who are too generous shall be devoured by those with who hunger insatiably, and those who have eaten all about them have nothing to sustain themselves.

 

I do not feel we can reward selfishness with sympathy. We cannot condone the actions of those who unnecessarily hurt others to justify themselves for only the reasons of one's desires. For rewarding such behavior encourages it and amplifies it. Unconditional love should only be surrendered on similar terms.

 

Before you reward someone with total sympathy, ask yourself if what they've done is something you accept and encourage.

[journogirl]

these points are all very valid and worth consideration

 

maybe i myself am guilty of being too sympathetic to others and too understanding-maybe thats my downfall- i would rather this though than other more negative feelings-i have a rocky post with huge issues of adultery (father) and abandonement and am in therapy-i guess part of that process is to look on the bright side for fear of what is lurking in the shadows....

 

on another note i must say you are a beautiful writer-very eloquent-i work on a magazine (as an editor) and you have a lovely command of the written word-

 

x

[Karmageddon]

My take on this forum is this, which is that people come here for help. Help can only be given if you are truthful to the person who is asking for it. Sometimes its what they want to hear & often times it is not, but that does not keep me from expressing it.

 

They can take from it what they want.

[Timebandit]

I do not feel we can reward selfishness with sympathy. We cannot condone the actions of those who unnecessarily hurt others to justify themselves for only the reasons of one's desires. For rewarding such behavior encourages it and amplifies it. Unconditional love should only be surrendered on similar terms.

 

In genereal, I find sympathy of very little use. It is just pitying someone because of the situation the are in. I do however see empathy as an important element to all supportive behaviour. Empathy is about being able to recognize the emotional state of another person. We can be empathic to someone, even if we dont accept their behaviour.

 

Unconditional love has not much with peoples behaviour to do either. If it was, it would not be unconditional. I can extend love to someone, even if I don't condone their behaviour. And even if parents love their children unconditionally, they would still discipline their children. In reality, condoning bad behaviour would not be love in the first place.

 

But your main point (which is I think was to be careful not to enable bad behaviour) is very very important. Sometimes tough love is needed.