Small mistake in Las Vegas.. not a big deal?

[Segan]

So I went on a few dates with a girl in March, and by April we were seeing each other 3-5 times a week and sleeping together. I told her I wanted to be exclusive some time in late April or early May. She was happy and agreed.

 

In late May she went on a trip to Vegas that one of her friends planned. She said it would be her and some friends of her friend (girls and guys). I was a little worried, and I told her so, saying "I trust you, but people make mistakes in Vegas." I also asked her if she could look into my coming.

 

She told me that there were "already a lot of guys coming" and her friend had already bought tickets for things and she would rather not make waves with the arrangement. I let her go alone.

 

Long story short, she and a girl and two dudes were in a King size bed (there were about 3 girls and 8 dudes on this trip).

 

The second night they were very very drunk. The other two people in the King bed left, and the guy started cuddling up to my girl. He started kissing her, and she didnt make him stop for a couple minutes, at which time she said stop this is wrong, I have a boyfriend.

 

She told me about 6 weeks after it happened, and we talked, and I was upset but I told her I would forgive her. I told her she was young and stupid and naive, but that everyone can make a mistake. I thought about it a lot and it hurt a lot at first, but lately it has been fine.

 

Other than this one incident, she has never done anything to inspire anything but love and trust, although she can be a bit flirty when drunk.. but hey I think A LOT of girls are flirty when drunk.. It's part of life... heh.

 

Right now we have a very strong relationship and love each other and are really working into a long term and serious thing (I am 26, she 22). The last month or so it has been semi-long-distance, but I have not had any trust issues or feelings of jealousy, and she usually calls me before she goes to sleep anyways.

 

However, she has been away on a family trip this week and I won't see her for 10 days. I have thought about the Vegas thing again and it has made me feel bad. I don't want to think about it, but it has passed into my head.

 

What do you all think about the over all situation? I really dont want to feel bad, but I hate to bring it up with her again, because I know how badly she feels about it. Should I try to work it out myself, or talk to her again?

[greensleeves]

It was very early in your relationship, she stopped what was happening and she was honest with you about the whole thing. I'd let it go. Rehashing it won't do any good.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I was a little worried, and I told her so, saying "I trust you, but people make mistakes in Vegas."

 

So, you tell her that and what does she do...she gets herself drunk and puts herself in a position where the can make out with a guy lying in bed. Says a lot about her character. Sorry...the alcohol didn't make her do it...she did it on her own volition and didn't tell you about it until 6 weeks later...hoping by that time that the relationship with you would be more solid. She claims she stopped it..but of course she will say that...most cheaters lie or only tell half the story. You are perfectly justified in being upset about it. This is not trivial...she put herself in a position for hanky panky and she responded positively. She gets flirty when drunk..trouble. This woman has poor impulse control and you can't be a policeman monitoring her drinking so that she doesn't make out with other men. You didn't trust her going to Vegas because in your heart you knew she would be up to no good...your instincts were right. She can't be trusted.

[Segan]

I feel that she has learned a lot about life since then (she had a very very sheltered existence until college, and really in some ways, until she met me).

 

Obviously she made several mistakes, but do you think she has or can learn from them? She is, in all other ways I have ever seen or heard, a very wonderful, honest, and kind person.

 

People are not perfect, and zero tolerance has never been my policy on anything.

[yankeefan74]

i would never be able to trust her. I'd move on.

[PixelPusher]

Well first off, I really hate the whole "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" marketing hype that people have fallen for. Oh, I can get drunk and mess around and it doesn't count because it's VEGAS! BS!

 

ANYWAY... what your g/f did was wrong, certainly but if it was only a couple minutes of drunken kissing, then I could forgive her. Not that being drunk and in a bed with another guy is an excuse, mind you. But if you feel she has learned from it then I'd move one.

 

I can relate, to some degree. My Xwife had an "only a kiss" with my best friend/boss while HIS wife and I were in the other room watching TV. (We were all haveing a BBQ together). She admitted it to me a few weeks later and I forgave her. But then a few years later, guess what happened with another friend? And this time it wasn't just a kiss. Looking back on my X's life, she flirted and cheated (and was a nasty mean drunk) her entire relationship "career."

 

So what I'm trying to say is... take a close look at her past and see if you can find any recurring behaviors. If you DO, then I'd walk carefully. If not, then chalk it up to a mistake (and we all make them) and try your BEST to move on. If it happens again (as in my case) I'd not waste a second walking away and never look back.

[jenny_mcs]

Personally, I wouldn't call getting drunk & getting in bed with another man, then making out with him a "small" mistake, but that's just me.

 

You have 2 choices- end the relationship b/c you can't get past what she did, or forgive her and move on.

 

Constantly bringing it up, or saying you're over it, but then throwing it in her face is only going to bring misery to both of you.

[avman]

Well she did stop him. I'm not saying she shouldn't have stopped him quicker, but she at least did think about it enough to halt things before they went too far.

 

She is young and mistakes can happen. I think I'd try to let it go as long as she's not doing anything else to make you distrust her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you want to continue with the relationship then you have to put the past behind you. If you feel that this was a one off and that it won't happen again, then by all means continue with the relationship and see how things go...but pay close attention to her flirtatious behaviour when she is drunk and see if she intends on fixing this behaviour or continuing on.

 

I guess I am not a big fan of making excuses for her behaviour such as..oh well, we all make mistakes...or oh well, she was young. There are plenty of people with the presense of mind not to make those mistakes..not when they are young, nor when they get older. What I find disconcerting is that you told her about your concerns and she went and did it anyway. It was not like she was little miss innocent who didn't know these things could possibly happen...you actually reminded her beforehand that you were concerned about this happening. As far as I am concerned she is fully accountable for what happened..no excuses. So, let's hope she learned her lesson, felt badly enough and won't let that happen again.

[flyingSolo]

I would have been very upset and would have given her some time after she told me to feel bad about it and keep my distance from her. Teach a lesson ya know? As for now, it is too late, not even worth bringing up. Should have been delt more with then.

 

As for the situation, she did tell you the details. The way I look at it is, providing that she is telling the truth, it took her a lot of courage for her to tell you that. Though, trusting from this point out will be something that you will have to work out with yourself. Either move on with the sitaution, or move on from her. It will not help your relationship to ponder over it. And I also believe that this situation should have never able to get to this point in the first place. She should have gotten another room or canceled. I would not go on a trip like that with my girlfriend at home. Not healthy. Good Luck!!!

[lostandhurt]

I don't think the situation was the cause. You can't follow her around the rest of your lives together. A strong relationship is about Love and Respect. She didn't respect you or your relationship with her actions that night.

The past is just that the past. No one can change it. You will re-live it from time to time, but how you let it affect you or control you is the big question. Remember this: Forgiveness is for YOU. You need to speak to her as why she chose to allow this to happen and what about your relationship or you would make her direspect them like that. Her answer will detirmine your mind set in you life together. This is a tough way to start out a life together but it isn't going to kill it either if you talk and work things out. I wish you and your gf all the best.

 

lost

[Clementine orange]

I vote for forgive It was a small mistake compared to what could have been a "big" mistake.

 

We live and learn. She did stop it in time and seems to feel bad about it. You'd be best to stop thinking about it and get on with enjoying your life with her.

 

and yes, early days in the relationship as someone else mentioned.

[Girl79]

I agree with this. I also find it interesting that the majority of the people here tell the OP to let it go and move on. I just KNOW that if the roles were opposite, and it was the guy who made out with another girl while drunk, pretty much everyone here would tell her to DUMP HIM.

[orangesoda]

i dont wanna get into all the small details of this situation.

 

but i do want to make an observation.

 

take a step back, and look at the large picture.

 

look at the posts you have made in this thread so far.

 

you see the pattern?

 

you are making excuses for your girlfriend.

 

honestly, i speak from personal experience, having gone through a similar situation myself:

 

don't sell yourself short. don't just forgive and let someone get away with wronging you.

 

especially with women. you may think that by forgiving her, she'll think that you're some great understanding guy.

 

wrong. completely opposite. she'll see you as a wimp with no backbone. a doormat. instead of being the 'man' she wants, you are now the 'backup plan.'

 

i can pretty much guarantee that this issue will raise its ugly head within the next 6 months.

 

honestly, if i were you, i would breakup.

 

you probably don't understand this logic right now, but I will say this:

 

there IS a girl out there, who's just as fun, just as pretty, just as compatible, who won't climb into bed with another guy, while she's dating you.

 

PS.

 

one last thing. when people 'confess' weeks later, it's usually beause they've taken the time to come up with a story that's not as bad as what really happened.

 

they try to minimize the naughty/bad things they did. often, oral sex becomes just making out. and making out, becomes just a few kisses.

 

you get my drift.

[avman]

I think a lot of people are overreacting to this. It would be different if this was a pattern of behavior and she had crossed over the line more than once. But for a single transgression that she recognized was wrong, stopped things, and admitted to - I think forgiveness is in order.

 

If it happens again - by all means walk away. But she's human and humans make mistakes. Sometimes they are big mistakes. The key is whether she learns from it and it doesn't happen again, or whether she doesn't learn anything about avoiding getting in those situations to start with.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think a lot of people are overreacting to this. It would be different if this was a pattern of behavior and she had crossed over the line more than once. But for a single transgression that she recognized was wrong, stopped things, and admitted to - I think forgiveness is in order.

 

If it happens again - by all means walk away. But she's human and human's make mistakes. Sometimes they are big mistakes. The key is whether she learns from it and it doesn't happen again, or whether she doesn't learn anything about avoiding getting in those situations to start with.

 

 

While I agree that people make mistakes and you can't hold it over them forever...there are indeed red flags here...she was in a committed relationship...she probably knows she can't handle alcohol and gets too flirty, she chose the sleeping arrangements, I imagine it was no secret that hanky panky would go on between the men and the women...in fact why did that other man and woman leave the bed...I presume to have some private hanky panky time and leave the other couple in the bed to have hanky panky. Something does not add up about this whole setup. This goes beyond a mistake and I have doubts if this woman is really that innoncent in this whole situation. I have met women like her who talk the talk about how things just happened and they had too much to drink...and then at some point they do it again...and then once again talk the remorse talk.

[greensleeves]

I think a lot of people are overreacting to this. It would be different if this was a pattern of behavior and she had crossed over the line more than once. But for a single transgression that she recognized was wrong, stopped things, and admitted to - I think forgiveness is in order.

 

If it happens again - by all means walk away. But she's human and human's make mistakes. Sometimes they are big mistakes. The key is whether she learns from it and it doesn't happen again, or whether she doesn't learn anything about avoiding getting in those situations to start with.

 

I completely agree with you avman. I get the impression that they're both fairly young....we all make mistakes when we're learning how to handle relationships.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I completely agree with you avman. I get the impression that they're both fairly young....we all make mistakes when we're learning how to handle relationships.

 

 

So is it okay for someone young to cheat on his or her partner because they are learning how to be in a relationship? Does that excuse lying in bed with someone other than your boyfriend or girlfriend, cuddling with them and kissing them? I don't buy that argument. Plenty of people don't make those kind of mistakes.

[greensleeves]

No...it's not okay. If it were, there'd be no need to learn from it. If this couple were in their thirties or forties I'd see it differently.

[stella777]

I would say move on too. why? she was drunk, she stopped it and most importantly she TOLD you. I would have never told this to my bf if I was a cheater type of thing. So she felt guilty and wanted your forgiveness. And now you love eachother and trust each other. So I'd say get over it and trust her.

[avman]

So is it okay for someone young to cheat on his or her partner because they are learning how to be in a relationship? Does that excuse lying in bed with someone other than your boyfriend or girlfriend, cuddling with them and kissing them? I don't buy that argument. Plenty of people don't make those kind of mistakes.

 

Um making a mistake by definition means it is not ok. I don't see anywhere that people are saying what the girl did was just fine or that cheating is ok. Please don't put words in our mouths.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Um making a mistake by definition means it is not ok. I don't see anywhere that people are saying what the girl did was just fine or that cheating is ok. Please don't put words in our mouths.

 

I take issue with the fact that people seem to trivialize the situation with "well, she is young" or "well, people make mistakes". I don't trust her honesty...most people who cheat sugar coat what they have done and then later on the truth comes out that it is much worse than what they originally claimed. I am not buying her story.

[Batya33]

If your value system is that it's inevitable to act a certain way when drunk (as opposed to, people choose to get drunk and thereforee choose the consequences), then you two might be very compatible. You do have to accept that she feels justified in making mistakes and blaming it on alcohol whether the mistakes have to do with cheating or some other type of behavior. Consider yourself lucky that you learned this early on and can make an informed decision. Good luck.

[Darkness_Falls]

Ok, I have just one question to ask, why did they all have to sleep in the same bed? That wouldn't fly with me... could she not have her own bed? Or couldn't the girls share one bed and the guys the other if need be? When I am in a relationship I would never share a bed with another male... unless there was some kind of pre-arrangement where everyone was fine with it, and it HAD to be done.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Ok, I have just one question to ask, why did they all have to sleep in the same bed? That wouldn't fly with me... could she not have her own bed? Or couldn't the girls share one bed and the guys the other if need be? When I am in a relationship I would never share a bed with another male... unless there was some kind of pre-arrangement where everyone was fine with it, and it HAD to be done.

 

Yeah, I am wondering about that two. Also, was it a coincidence that the other girl and guy decided to pick up and leave and the other two were then sharing a bed together. Something doesn't add up here.