In need of another perspective

[sharpdc]

Firstly, I need to state that I am here because I am looking for advice that is not close to or involved in this situation. So here is the situation:

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years and we have a 2 year old son. We are both young as I am 25 and she is 20. We have been living together for the past 2 and a half years and still currently do. I feel like we have had a very good relationship up to this point with some issues mainly revolving around me not wanting to cut my friends out of my life. At times it was excessive and I fully accept blame for this and have since decided that going out with my friends has not been and will never be a top priority to me. For the past 3 months I have not fallen back into the trap of unhealthy friendships and now know that I was holding on to my youth for fear of commitment. Other than this issue and normal relationship bickering, we have had a very loving and close relationship embracing each other as well as learning to be a family.

 

A month ago, my girlfriend told me she still loved me and wanted to be with me, but needed space to be happy alone first so that she could be happy with me. Of course I feared the worst and tried to change her mind, but she insisted that she just needed to be alone and not with anyone in order to resolve her own issues. We both stated that getting with another person was not alright on this break/space. This is when the lying began. She began talking to a friend of one of my best friends through text messages. Initially, I was concerned but she swore up and down that they were just friends. Then she began to go out 3 and 4 nights a week with her friends, which she had voluntarily neglected for the majority of our relationship. I was ok with this because she said she wanted space and I thought this was her way of being happy alone and having balance between family and friends. Throughout the month of space she repeatedly expressed her love for me and the desire to be a family.

 

3 days ago she told me she wanted to be together and that she knew I was what she was looking for in her life. So I had told her all along that I wanted to be together and we picked up where we left off. Then I noticed that she had put a lock code on her phone and would take her phone everywhere with her without letting it out of her sight. I began to wonder what she was hiding or why she was so anal about keeping her phone on her. I posed the question to her and she acted like it was no big deal and that she wasn't hiding anything. Yesterday, I asked her if anything had happened with any guys during the month we were taking space. She answered no (not very convincingly) so I pressed on feeling like she was not telling the truth. Then she says why does it matter if I hung out with guys and I said it doesn't if it was just as friends. The next thing I know she starts crying and saying that I am going to leave her for good and that she is just going to move out of the apartment. This is when I knew she had done something with a guy. After 30 minutes of avoiding the question, she admitted to have slept with the guy she had been texting all along and that it happened multiple times over a week and a half span. I was in shock and didn't get mad or anything, I just felt numb, but continued to talk to try and understand. She said that she was dumb and thought that we were never going to work. That she never wanted him, but was attracted to the first guy that gave her attention other than me. She stated he had certain qualities that seemed attractive to her, but realizes now that he was nothing to her other than a mistake. Also, she said that she realizes that there is no one that can give her all the things that I do and that it will never happen again. I realize that we were taking a break, but we both agreed not to see other people that is why I posted this here.

 

What should I do? Any advice or observations are more than welcomed.

[Catdancer]

What you do depends on how you feel. You need to ask yourself what you want from her. If she can give what you want, stay. If not, go. You will only be happy if she can meet your emotional, mental, spiritual and physical needs that you require of a partner. If you know she cannot meet what you expect, the relationship is done.

[sharpdc]

She has always met those needs for me. I feel like she spit in my face in order to try something new. Trust cannot be given, it must be earned or at least that is how I think. There will be many other temptations along the way if I do choose to give it a try and I don't feel like being burned again. I know that is a risk I will have to take if I so choose, but it is hard to understand that the person you have known and loved can just make a choice that doesn't include you or your son together.

[Catdancer]

By violating your trust she is not meeting the emotional needs that you expect in a partner. You dont trust her now, right? So, emotionally you feel confused, twisted up into knots wanting this to work, but scared to take the chance. She is not meeting your emotional needs as a partner. Do you think she can? Can you let her meet your needs again with no resentments, no grudges, no ill feelings?

[sharpdc]

I know what you mean. I love her and probably always will. I guess I am looking for something that I can only answer internally. I am terrible with emotions and consider myself to make logical decisions as opposed to emotional and that is why I struggle with our situation because it makes no sense to me at all. I feel like she can make me happy I just don't know how to begin and let go of the thoughts in my head that scare me. It is like I feel that we have something worth saving, but then I get a mental image and it makes me physically sick. I don't want to be paranoid or controlling in any way because that isn't healthy, I just struggle with how to overcome something like this once I know that I want to try. Where and how to begin the healing process is a mystery to me.

[DN]

Also, she said that she realizes that there is no one that can give her all the things that I do and that it will never happen again

What are the 'things' that you can give her?

[Catdancer]

Ok....time for a bit of honestly here. My bf and I have had a crazy relationship for the last year and a half. He couldnt decide between me and his ex. I got alot of crap on here and from family about it. He would be with me, sleep with her, beg to me, I'd take him back, he'd do it again. I think he did it about 3 or 4 times overall. But I knew, I just knew that there was something here. He was with her for 17 years and had a hard time letting that go. Fastforward to now. It's just us. We have a house together and we're expecting a baby. She's wayyy out of the picture. they do have an 8 year old child, so some contact is necessary. I have told him that when it comes to her, I dont trust him. Even now, I still have some issues with it at times. I tell him about it. About how I'm feeling insecure and how I DONT want him touching her. It's fine to talk when needed, but you dont have to freakin hug her! Sorry...see I still get worked up at times...lol. If you really think that there is something here, you will find a way to reconcile it in your mind. The best thing that I have done is tell him how I feel. I mean I told him EVERYTHING. How at times I hate him (not really, but I HATE the things he does). I've called him names...I've vented like you wouldnt believe. He just listened. And then we talked rationally. Time and her regaining your trust is the only thing that will fix this. I trust my bf, to a certain degree. He knows it. He knows that he is still rebuilding my trust. He is doing a good job. And so far, so good.

 

things still come up on a rare occasion....but we deal with them together as they arise. We dont let them sit and fester into resentments and hatred.

 

EDIT: I meant his ex, not my ex in my third sentence...lol sorry!

[sharpdc]

DN, I am not sure I am the one who can answer that question being that she made the statement. I assume they are qualities that she values such as love, commitment, respect, sexuality, and honesty, but that is just my thoughts. At this point I am more concerned about what she can offer to me and not what I can offer to her, because what I have offered has been the same from the beginning.

[sharpdc]

Catdancer, do you feel you are truly happy in dealing with these insecurities that resulted from his mistakes? I realize you did what was in your best interest, but do you ever feel like you made the wrong choice?

[cosmot]

If you do love her that much then I think giving it a try

is worth it especially since you two have a two year old.

I've been married for 14 years and we didn't have kids

until 3 years ago. I can tell you that having a child in

the household is a huge amount of stress (a lot of it

good, but still stress) and at your ages, it is understandable

to have some doubt about your future (I'm 37 and still have

those thoughts.)

 

You seemed to be able to pick up on her dishonesty pretty

fast, so if she were to be unfaithful again I think you would know.

 

I agree with Catdancer about not letting things fester and

talking things out. Just keep an eye on things for awhile.

[Catdancer]

Catdancer, do you feel you are truly happy in dealing with these insecurities that resulted from his mistakes? I realize you did what was in your best interest, but do you ever feel like you made the wrong choice?

 

Yes I am happy. I've been putting myself thru hell trying to figure out if he is the best thing for me. And honestly...I dont know. I know I love the way he makes me feel. I know he loves the way I make him feel. We have the same goals. We're working toward the same things.

 

No, I do not feel that I made the wrong choice. Now, tomorrow if he makes me angry over something stupid, I may say yes..lol. But no, I feel that I did what is best for me. And I am very happy.

[ImThatGirl]

Sharp,

 

If I am following correctly, logically, it seems that when one cheats the relationship should be over. You love her and are struggling with the thought of working things out with her after she betrayed her..

 

It's never acceptable to cheat. However, I think when marriage or children are involved, it is necessary to pinpoint the cause of why it happened and determine if you can move forward without it happening again. She is young. You two have had some difficult times (though you've been working on those troubles for the past few months.) Maybe she was just highly confused and felt that she needed something else. To experience a different lifestyle. Maybe now that she's experienced that, she's realized what she has and that the grass is not greener on the other side.

 

In any case, it will take great communication between you two to be able to move forward and through this but I think it can be done. So long as you both have the same goals or treating each other well and making a good life for that little one. Do you two still go out together for "you two" time? Maybe you could add some of that into the schedule and that would help as well. Re-create the bond that you both once had.

 

Good luck~ I'm sure it will be very difficult but it doesn't seem that she is on a terrible road or on her way out the door to me. I am proud of her for confessing to you (even though you had to talk her into telling.) Her confession to you tells me that she does feel guilty and wants to work through this.

[DN]

DN, I am not sure I am the one who can answer that question being that she made the statement. I assume they are qualities that she values such as love, commitment, respect, sexuality, and honesty, but that is just my thoughts. At this point I am more concerned about what she can offer to me and not what I can offer to her, because what I have offered has been the same from the beginning.

What I am concerned about is that she may mean material things.

[sharpdc]

Thanks for the insight I'mthatgirl, I am trying to find the happy medium with giving it a try and not doing it so easily that it appears that it was not a problem. I don't want to punish her, but I am upset and angry that she did it. I do not want to give the impression that it was alright and no big deal. Communication is the key, which is an issue I have with her. It is a struggle sometimes and I feel like I have to urge her to open up. Growing up in a broken home shaped my life greatly and I do not want that for my little boy. I do love her and feel we are worth saving, it worries me to try so quickly without her realizing what should was willing to risk for something that meant nothing to her.

[sharpdc]

DN, unfortunately at our age and with a son, there is no way material things is what I can offer. It is a struggle to stay afloat, but I understand how you could get that impression.

[ImThatGirl]

Thanks for the insight I'mthatgirl, I am trying to find the happy medium with giving it a try and not doing it so easily that it appears that it was not a problem. I don't want to punish her, but I am upset and angry that she did it. I do not want to give the impression that it was alright and no big deal. Communication is the key, which is an issue I have with her. It is a struggle sometimes and I feel like I have to urge her to open up. Growing up in a broken home shaped my life greatly and I do not want that for my little boy. I do love her and feel we are worth saving, it worries me to try so quickly without her realizing what should was willing to risk for something that meant nothing to her.

 

I understand that. But what exactly would it take for you to feel as though she's realized that risk? Pushing too much may mean her pulling back more.. Not to say I don't agree with you.

 

Would she be willing to go to counseling?

[ImThatGirl]

What I am concerned about is that she may mean material things.

 

I always have concerns when it's a young 20 year old girl in a relationship. Concerned that they got serious at a young age for security and comfort and that eventually, they will feel like they missed out.

 

That jumped out at me as well. I assumed that she didn't lose anything during this break - she was still at home and still enjoying the normal comforts for the most part wasn't she?

[mrmaximum]

But one that may be workable. It can bu tough when you have left your youth behind so quickly however I applaud you and her for doing the upright thing for your child, responsibility seems to be a commodity on a low ebb right now. I can hear you when you say that you don't want to punish her or push her away, your frame of mind is commendable which should assist in the healing of this relationship. However, she does need to realize the consequences of her actions, sweeping this under the rug won't make this go away, getting at the root of the issue is the only way of nipping this in the bud. For whatever reason she chose to lie to you and damage the family for her own short term gain. Whether cheating or gambling or anything else this thought process cannot be repeated if you want to stay together for any serious length of time.

 

She needs to recognize this if you are to move forward, counseling is a very good idea, a trained and neutral thrid party should assist you in rectifying this situation. Remember, everyone is different and just becuase 'Ken and Barbie' made it through cheating doesn't automatically mean that you will too. IMO, things don't look too horrible so you should be alright. If you can, great, if you can't... then you are doing your little one a disservice for trying to place a square block in a round hole and stay together 'just for my child'.

 

Good Luck.

[orangesoda]

I'm going to go against the flow and recommend that you seriously consider ending things.

 

I think that your GF hasn't told you the entire truth. I don't think she's been telling you the truth. I think that she's been deceiving you probably a lot longer than she's let on. And that her behavior and actions indicate that she will probably continue to do so.

 

The fact that she came to you, told you to your face, without blinking, that she loved you, that you were 'the one' - then put a lock on her phone, and continued to try and hide her infidelity.

 

That to me, says that she intended to continue this, that she never respected you or the relationship. That not even your love, the fact that you brought a son into the world together - none of that mattered.

 

This wasn't a one night stand influenced by alcohol. This was a well-thought out, active, prolonged, and deceitful plan.

 

You deserve better.