How do you SHOW him changes when you're long-distance?

[PLM15]

Hello everyone, I could use your advice. I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

 

My ex and I were together for 3.5 years....it was a LDR, one year we lived together here in the US, and 2.5 years apart when he moved back to Australia. He broke it off this February, partially because he thought I wouldn't move to Australia....and partially because of our personality differences. I tried for the month of March to get him to change his mind but, alas, with no success.

 

I have been NC ever since, so around 5 months. During this time, I have gone to counseling, a relationship skill course, read a million books on relationships, surfed this site and link removed, and started back to church. From all of this, I've realized how terribly ignorant I was about truly loving another person....and now can finally look back, understand my part in why the relationship broke apart, and learned how NOT to make those same mistakes.

 

I also understand that words will likely do little to convince him to give me a second chance.....that actions are the way to go. But I'm here in the US, and he's in Australia.

 

That being said, I am fully prepared to move to Australia at the end of this year and start a life of my own. It's a big risk that he'll shut me out completely....but I can't think of any other way to SHOW him my commitment and positive changes. I don't want to push him in any way, or risk him feeling that I'm trying to manipulate him. Also, I'm 99% sure that he isn't seeing anyone else since our break up.

 

Any advice on what to do...and how to do it....is greatly appreciated!!

[Mutley]

Don't move unless he wants you to.

 

If he doesn't, bestow your new found relationship enlightenment on someone new.

[Weeblie]

If I were you, I'd contact your ex. I'd let him know that you're planning on moving to his area and that you would like some help finding a place to live.

 

I'd try to avoid talking about relationship stuff for awhile though and just keep things friendly. Once you move there, then I'd contact him every once in awhile to hang out. Take things slowly and let him see how you've changed when you're there. If you were to try to talk to him about this on the phone, I don't think it would make much difference and would only come accross as empty promises.

 

Besides now would probably be a good time to continue working on yourself and preparing yourself for life in a foreign country. It's not easy making a fresh start and there's always the risk of becoming real clingy and needy because the only person you know is your ex.

 

Also, if you can, check out this link removed, there's a chapter at the end that sounds a lot like your situation. I think it's awesome that you've decided to move for love. I know that there's always a chance that it might not turn out the way you hoped it would, but at least you know you did what you could.

 

Good luck!

[needhimso]

I'm kind of in your situation with the whole moving thing. I applied to go to a college closer to my ex before he broke up with me, and I'm still going to make the move. The thing is, you have to make that decision without his influence. If you want to move that's great, but do it for you. You aren't together anymore, so he shouldn't have a say in what you do with your life anymore.

 

My ex told me not to move after he broke up with me, and I'm doing it anyway. I made the decision to do it because it's what's best for me at this point, and I haven't told him. I don't really plan on it unless he decides to talk to me and the perfect opportunity arises (where he brings up wanting to see me). I would be lying if I said getting back together didn't play a role in my decision at all, but it wasn't the main reason. I know if we decided to get back together the only way it would truly work is if I moved there. I guess I would see it as a nice bonus, but I'm primarily going there for school. If it weren't for school, I wouldn't make the move. That would probably be a little creepy.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't move there solely to get him back. It could backfire. It may freak him out, and it would suck for you to be stuck there with no other reason to stay. Talk to him and test the waters. Ask yourself how you would feel if he tells you he doesn't want you to move there or would freak out after you're already there. Would you still want to live there? Would it be worth it? Could you live with our decision? In my case, I was able to say yes to those questions. You'll just need to think about it and make the decision for yourself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is like closing the barn door after the cow has escaped. You would be moving there with the sole purpose of hoping he would get back together with you. That is a huge move to make without guarantees. This is not simply moving to another city within the US..this is moving to the other side of the world, away from family and friends, to a country that has a different style than you are used to. It is one thing to make that kind of move for a great job prospect, the opportunity to have an adventure, or because you have a solid, committed relationship with someone. However, your reasons are none of the above...you are trying to undo damage and are grasping at straws...not thinking about the possible ramifications for yourself if there is no reconciliation. Reconciliation is best made over time through phone calls, emails etc...and only when something is more solid should you contemplate moving in order to be with him.

[Belgian girl]

Oh, I already love this thread could be very useful advice for my situation as well and am going to take a look at the book !

[Divine_Malice]

Yeah, trust me make sure he wants you to be with him, if not then start your life a new. Its hard trust me but it would be a lot worse in a place you dont know with people you dont know. My ex fiance broke up with me a few months back and its hard as hell but trust me if its not meant to be its not.

 

I was fully ready to move in with my ex he decided he didn't want us to and we were a long distance relationship too. He stopped loving me, I am thankful, no matter how devastating, it was better that it happened before I left to live with him. I would have been stuck alone. Make sure he wants you trust me