People cant change, I can see that now.

[male2008]

Hi

 

Well there were alot of issues with my ex. But one issue was her myspace. She keept adding guys that started hitting on her, it was never her fault she was allways the victim, that just made the same mistake again and again.

 

She also called me once just to tell me that a guy was starring at her * * * * and asking her friends if she had a boobjob. She is a former annorexic.

 

We have been split for 6 weeks. But meet last week a couple of times to see what feelings we had. I was just to afraid that she hadnt changed. She promised that even if we didnt get back together she wasent going to have anything except friends on myspace.

 

She didnt want to be that kind of a girl. But I said that it was to short, we needed to heal and mabey after a longer period of time mabey. We have allready broken up last year, got back together where she promised all this again and broke it.

 

Well I went to her myspace today, ok no new guys, but that would have been better. Cause what she had added was this myspace page that said that " Hi Im kelly a busniess man, looking for the most beutifull girls for when I go to travel around the world. "

 

Its basically a boy which you can see if you check thats trying to add lots of beautifull girls. She promised she would never add a webpage like that again. The thing is I dont like it cause its just horny guys that are gathering girls.

 

But I mabey wouldnt have been as jeoulus or angry if she didnt do all the other things as well, random guys on myspace and msn hitting on her.

 

But the thing is she promised wether or not we got back together she would add this kind of pages again. I actually laught, I mean I would understand some guy. Cause she is single.

 

But this type of webpage I mean this is proof that she is still an attention seeking girl and needs it. So people dont change.

[Konyak]

That's where you wrong. People change, just not on their own. You have to help her change. She won't be able to do it on her own. She'll need help, and if you want to be with her, then you have to help her.

[male2008]

Bull * * * * I was there for 2 years. I was there when she for a month couldnt sleep or eat cause of stress for exams. I was there when she lost alot of weight and needed help to get better. I was their when she was down and out. Their was barley a week where she didnt cry at some point where I held her and spoke with her.

 

I did EVERYTHING for this girl EVERYTHING. I helped her set up a myspace store when she was to afraid but desperatly wanted to. I helped her to get over her fear of exams and failing.

 

And with the myspace, I repeatatly told her that I didnt feel comfortable with her adding these guys that keept hitting on her, or adding these sleezy webpages that where looking for myspace barbies. I told her I felt uncomfortable with guys hitting on her infront of me, she then telling me that I was wrong, only to have her friends that where theyr tell her that she was out of order, cause the guy basically had his tongue in her ear.

 

So I tried to help her, believe ME I TRIED. It was wearing me thin.

 

I dumped her not because I didnt love her, but because it wasent working.

 

But this shows that the promises she made when we meet agian a week ago to discusse getting back together didnt hold for one week. So Im glad I didnt take her back.

[male2008]

I never had any randome girls on my msn or myspace or facebook. I never flirted with girls, if a girl flirted with me I brought it up that I had a girlfriend.

Also I wouldnt tell her about it, she called me specificle to tell me about it.

 

I did everything to help her change, she did in a lot of ways, but not with the need for outside attention. She never cheated on me or kissed another guy. But she needed then and now attention to feel good.

 

Im sorry but I feel like that all the attetnion like that should be gotten from your partner. I think this is emotional cheating. But if it does happen that some one hits on you, its ok, just handle the situation right, take it as a complement and DONT call your boyfriend to tell him about it.

[Steve 7745]

You are completely wrong male2008.

 

If you choose to belief that people cannot change, then you have screwed yourself. You don't believe that people can change, then that includes you. You are believing that you yourself cannot change.

 

If you choose to believe that people can change, then you're on the road to recovery. The difference is that there is only one person out there you can change. And that is yourself. You can't hold your breath for others to improve themselves- that's up to them. That's their problem.

 

You have to pull your own weight and no one else's.

[lostandhurt]

People can change but they have to want to. She doesn't! She is getting something out of this behavoir and so she will continue doing it in some form or fashion.

It is not your job/duty to help her change. Change comes from within as you learn about yourself and what you like and don't like. Therapy is a very good idea for someone like this. I don't think this is a very healthy relationship in the least for you. I don't think you broke up because you wanted to, but because you had to. She needs more help than you could ever offer. best wishes

 

lost

[yankeefan74]

People can absolutely change. I'm a completely different person than i was two years ago at this time. It was around this time in the summer of 2006, actually, that i took a good look at myself on the inside and outside and wasn't happy with any of it. So I quit smoking, started working out, and a lot of inner demons started to knock on the door of my consciousness. I worked those things through. It wasn't easy, but it happened. A lot of things from my childhood that i never dealt with - a lot of repressed emotions and feelings. I still think things through...i still have times where i recognize something as displaced anger or whatever...but i have a handle on it now so much. I allow myself to feel now. Basically, i allow myself to live.

 

I could have made those changes earlier. in my late 20's would have been preferable. But it happened when it happened. But you have to want to change.

 

You can't change your ex, male...as he2etic said...you can only change yourself.

[male2008]

You guys are absoulutly right, I tried to help her, and in many ways I did. But this is not my problem. And the issues never stopped. I need to focus on me,

 

I have absolutly changed since I meet her, when I meet her I wanted to be the whitey knight, the hero. Then I found out that in the long run having to be the hero everyday destroyes you slowly.

 

I did everything for her, but what I meant change is she promised me the other day she had changed and wanted me to take her back. But I saw now that she hasent change.

 

She needs to work more with her psych and mabey MABEY in a year if she is better and I still have the same feelings. Hopefully I will also have forgiven and forgotten.

But then I might have a new girlfriend that is more right for me.

[male2008]

Now Im working on me, Gym, Muy thai, mma, my second startup, my final year at university. and just having fun.

 

Im going to stop trying to help everyone and help my self to be a better stronger person

[Andy_2007]

People cannot intrinsically change who they are as individuals.

 

But they CAN change negative or destructive behaviours if they want to.

 

I know I changed a lot in the year since my ex broke up with me. I have no idea if she has, but I'd like to think so.

 

If someone isn't willing to change things that affect you negatively then you have to get rid of them.

[Steve 7745]

Im going to stop trying to help everyone and help my self to be a better stronger person

 

I've run into some questions of morality once or twice regarding helping people myself.

 

For example, I let my friend Joci stay at my place for a month, rent and utility free because her housing and job situation was in serious doubts. Instead, the only thing I learned was why she was having such a rough time.

 

She constantly invited people who were lacking in moral fiber into her life. Her last boyfriend constantly used her as his BUG, falling back on her when things with some girl he was chasing didn't work out. During the party we had, she thoughtlessly invited several shady characters, including this one girl who had sex with some guy on my balcony in the morning.

 

Yes. Outside. Facing the street.

 

She worked four or five mundane jobs, many of them were unpaying. She was lazy, sleeping well into the day and was on unemployment benefits, but constantly going out at night and the weekends to parties and concerts and then claiming she "had no money."

 

Well, I do not regret letting her stay. I was reminded of some very valuable lessons in life. But you are right in that there is no point in trying to be a hero to people who don't want help. If their own fundamentals got them where they are, then it will happen again and again and there's nothing you can do to change or save them the difficulties.

 

In the end, the best you can do is offer advice and suggest people take it. I've met people who just need a tiny bit of guidance and bam. Their own earnest and vigor will carry them to where they want to be. My friend Devin used to cry for his girlfriend back in college. After I introduced him to pick up, he's emotionally harder then I am. Maybe even too hard, but two steps forward, one step back.

 

Anyway, you're on the right track male2008.

[Konyak]

Look, sometimes it's unsuccessful. Sometimes it's impossible. But I'm glad to hear that you at least tried. Then you can just tell yourself that you did your best.

[gee]

You are completely wrong male2008.

 

If you choose to belief that people cannot change, then you have screwed yourself. You don't believe that people can change, then that includes you. You are believing that you yourself cannot change.

 

If you choose to believe that people can change, then you're on the road to recovery. The difference is that there is only one person out there you can change. And that is yourself. You can't hold your breath for others to improve themselves- that's up to them. That's their problem.

 

You have to pull your own weight and no one else's.

 

I agree here! The ONLY person that can change her is herself! You can't force anyone to change it just doesn't work. She will have to deal with that on her won.

 

I changed A LOT since we broke up 7 months ago. Who helped me change? Her, my friends, family? NOPE, I changed on my own and I take all the credit for it! I had to deal with it on my own and it is hard work but you have to want it to be successful. You are your own creator of your destiny!

 

If she doesn't want to change than she is not for you buddy!

 

Good luck and best wishes!

 

gee

[GoldenHillGuy]

That's where you wrong. People change, just not on their own. You have to help her change. She won't be able to do it on her own. She'll need help, and if you want to be with her, then you have to help her.

 

Absolutely WRONG!

[j0shua]

people change all the time...

 

my EX went from hating myspace and not letting me have a profile, to loving it and meeting some guy to run off with.

 

see? proof! lol.

[yankeefan74]

myspace can be evil. i know that all too well. guess it's not the site though, but rather, some of the people on it.

[male2008]

I mean is it just me? I have spoken to other girls and they said they would never add these kind of sleezy webpages or just some guys that hit on them. Especially if they are in a relationship.

 

She did it again and again. Everytime I confrontet her she played the innocent card, didnt know, wasent awere that he was hitting on me.

 

I mean would you guys put up with it as a BF that you GF was doing this.

 

Im mabey old fashion I dont know. But I wasent adding random girls og flirting with them

[yankeefan74]

Sounds like she just loved the attention. i can't imagine she didn't know these guys were hitting on her...that's just what she told you.

[male2008]

yeah your right I saw the comments on her myspace and her reply. Not flirting back but thanking for it. Also I saw twice by mistake and once cause I got supicious after the other times. MSN chat she had with some of those guys. They where definatly hitting on her, and she playing the thank you so sweet card.

 

I mean almost leading them on. And I know they knew she had a boyfriend.

 

no screw that leading them on. "Your so sweet thank you." " oh yeah so sad I missed your party had to go out to dinner with my boyfriend

 

Prime example " Hey to bad you missed my party, Missed you ;-)" " oh yeah so sad I missed your party had to go out to dinner with my boyfriend " too bad This is the same guy who told her he loved boobjobs on girls. and the one she called me about to tell me that he was starring at her breasts for a whole day and asking her friends wheter she had had a boob job.

 

Not to tell me he was an * * * * * * * , but to tell me how shocked she was her friends told him she had a boob job.

[male2008]

What pisses me off as well, is how much I tried, and for nothing. I gave that girl my soul. She loved me as well. But had these issues.

 

And I had hoped that she would be the one. Mabey I tried to hard to save the relationship, and should have called it quites the first time we broke up, but I loved her.

 

Well you cant look back and change mistakes, you can only learn and look forward.

 

dose one have to be colder? see signs like this and break up asap?

[Steve 7745]

What pisses me off as well, is how much I tried, and for nothing. I gave that girl my soul. She loved me as well. But had these issues.

 

And I had hoped that she would be the one. Mabey I tried to hard to save the relationship, and should have called it quites the first time we broke up, but I loved her.

 

Well you cant look back and change mistakes, you can only learn and look forward.

 

This is the most cruel lesson of all. And yet the most early one.

 

Nothing of value is ever simply given. Many children do not care about the toys they are just handed by their parents. However, if a child earned his toys through his or her own efforts, they value them more. They take better care of the toys.

 

The same is true of love. You can't just give it to someone, or they will take it for granted. If they accept it, they'll see what more they can get. One's love must be throughly earned- it cannot be bought and cannot be bartered. They must want your love and strive to achieve it, and yet must also make you work for their love, lest you earn it too quickly... and then paraphrased from the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, "Desire is like a sunbeam that falls on some inconsequential object. And we like fools scramble to get it. But once we have it, the sunbeam moves on, and the thing we sought loses its luster."

 

Do not give readily. Do not accept easily. And neither a borrower nor a lender be. If you see signs of a relationship failing, it is probably best to pull back some and reevaluate it yourself. I should have done this for my latest ex C, so that if she wanted to end it, I could have been more ready and not quite as badly hit.

[yankeefan74]

It sounds like she just has a tremendous amount of insecurity...and the attention from other guys makes her feel better. I'm pretty sure that's never going to change unless she makes changes. And she CAN change, she just apparently has no interest in doing so. That's not something you can change for her, as has been stated many times...and ultimately, it's something you'd always have an issue with. I don't know that you'd ever be able to trust her.

[male2008]

your right I went to fast, I fell to fast and gave her my heart to fast. the best thing in this is I know better now what I want and dont.

 

Now I need to get more selfesteem and realize that girls do like me. havnt been able to see that since the break up and was/still am abit afraid that I wont fall in love again and be loved again.

 

I need to focus on me, gym, my 2 startup companies and my final year at university.

[Konyak]

Absolutely WRONG!

 

Nah, I'm right. People just refuse to see it. I've had it happen before, and I've seen it before. You can't tell me I'm wrong. It just depends on the person. Also I wasn't talking about people in general. I was talking about her. Maybe you should read my post more carefully before you say I'm wrong.