Should I forgive her, again?

[IllSurvive]

Hi I only discovered this forum a couple of days ago while looking for some perspective on my long term relationship situation. After reading a lot of threads I feel you are a good group of people who genuinely want to help. So thanks in advance for reading and replying.

 

Long story short I have caught my girlfriend of over 4 years (living together for about 3 she 27 me 31) lying about what I guess you would call emotionally cheating on me (she swears nothing physical happened). I noticed a change in her behaviour recently and started to get suspicious about a co worker of hers messaging her and calling her at what I considered inappropriate times and frequency. It shames me to admit that I couldn’t resist the temptation and I looked through her phones. I discovered some saved messages on her work phone sent from her personal phone.

Previous to this I asked her what was wrong and told her that I was uncomfortable with the situation and she looked me in the eye and said there was nothing going on. Anyway I guessed that she gave him her work phone so she could msg him freely (she confirmed this when I confronted her with it).

The saved messages went as follows (one sided conversation and why did he save them I have no idea)

1. hey thanks for 2night guess we’ll hav to do the other thing you wanted some other time.

2. hahaha nice… well its been almost 4 months 4 me … but I was being serious … if u were.

3. the only thing holding ME back is … but the whole ‘what he don’t know wont hurt him’ springs to mind…but that all comes down 2 how well YOU can hide it.

4. that’s what I thought.

5. oh well

6. haha and seems its only gonna be that.

7. lol u couldn’t handle me! Wink.

8. babe the only thing holding me back is …

9. that I’m not good at.

10. still a pleasurable thought tho…

11. u never know ur luck

 

She says it started out as a joke that went to far, she was feeling weak, alcohol was involved, that it never went any further, and that she doesn't want to lose what we have.

 

Another worrying thing is that this isn’t the first time I have caught her out in a lie, the other couple of times I forgave her and tried to put it behind me but I have to admit I have questioned my trust in her, not a good thing in a relationship I know. I guess it’s pretty obvious there is a pattern developing here and I have to wonder what it will be next time. We are at the point in our relationship where marriage is the next step and we have even been to look at some rings. What I’m asking myself now is can I believe her that nothing physical happened? Can I trust that she is really telling me everything? Do I still love her enough to try and fix this with counselling etc? Can I forgive her, again?

This feeling is so horrible I’m being forced to question everything now.

Other thoughts I’m having are… I’m just her security blanket while she tries to ‘find herself’ -- I’m the adult and she is the child seeing what she can get away with -- maybe she has a serious psychological issue that’s causing this behaviour – the fact that this even happened and she couldn’t tell me indicates a serious crack in our foundation…

There’s more detail and nuance to it than the above but well I should probably get back to work…

 

What do you think?

[Circe]

I doubt very much that she has a "serious pshycological issue" causing her behaviour. Unless you can call selfishness a serious psychological condition.

 

I think she has clearly crossed the line here. If I were in your position I would sit my fiance down, and explain to him how this behaviour has made me feel and why it has made me feel that way. I would explain to him what I thought the benefits of our relationship were (to both of us) (ie love, security, affection, emotional support, partnership etc etc) and how this behaviour threatens to destroy the relationship and all the benefits that come with it.

 

I would then ask him to put himself in my shoes. Id ask him how he would feel if I sent text messages to a friend, flirting, suggesting that we engage in something physical if it can all be kept under wraps.

 

Id then ask for a couple of weeks apart from each other so we can both think about whats important to us and what to do about our relationship.

[Karmageddon]

Well, this is an opinion coming from a person who implicitly trusted her husband only to find that he had abused that trust and had cheated on her throughout their 16 years together. I first started finding things like you mention above. I got the its only venting, I didn't mean it, it was totally her-then I shut it down blah blah blah....which all boils down to trust. If you don't have that, you don't have much.

 

She has a problem, & now so do you. Is it one that you want to caretake for the rest of your life b/c you will have to.

 

Say she has psychological issues?? Does she take care of them, or is that your job? & why would it be?? My ex ( i find out later is a classic narcissist) is it my job to live with him cheating on me b/c he has a "disorder"?? Decide what you want in your life. Do you want a woman you can trust & feel secure with? If so, it doesn't sound like this is your girl. I know on the inside, it's not that black and white...but really, it is.

[Circe]

I just want to point out with the psychological issues - psychology these days has a category of pathology that just about all of us fit into. Many cheaters are narcissists etc - and just about any woman is likely to be classified as having a borderline personality disorder if a psych is so inclined to categorise her that way.

 

Id step away from that stuff when assessing my options and considering the appropriateness of your partners behaviour.

[DN]

I would say to her "I certainly don't want to hold you back from pursuing something with this guy who is so attractive to you and so I am going to let you go do what ever you want to with him while I'll go find someone who only wants me."

[whitto]

Have to agree, joke or no joke, she has crossed the line. Often this behaviour is just the start before something happens.

[IllSurvive]

Thanks for your replies! After much discussion with family and friends including a trained and experienced councillor I talked it over with her and we have agreed to give it a chance and she has agreed to counselling.