For those who have gotten back together

[bellanicola003]

Ok, 1 flat out question...when you get back with someone, do you go back to your old ways of ALWAYS getting together or do you ease back into it?

 

Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that like most of my friends, when you are with someone, you spend A LOT of time together, at least maybe 3-4 days a week, especially the weekends, and you do things that necessarily you wouldn't really want to do (family dinners, parties, etc). This person calls you all the time, etc.

 

Am I wrong in that way of thinking? I mean, what's a healthy way to get back together?

 

Advice please!

[redhearts]

Whatever happens, happens.

[bellanicola003]

I don't quite know what you mean. Do you mean it just depends on the people involved?

[notsoanonymous]

It sounds like you need to have some straight communication on what each person's wishes are for moving forward. Set up some boundaries.

 

Jumping right back into the social scene with families might be too much for some couples and not for others. Many factors including the way you spoke about him while you were apart to the people around you will factor into whether or that is now an uncomfortable situation for him.

[bellanicola003]

Yes, see, I would like some communication on what to expect, etc, but I'm scared to talk about the relationship because he says that we always talk too much about the relationship and asks me why I can't just sit back and let everything fall into place. But it's like...I want to know.

 

FACTS:

1) we were together for 4 years

2) Lived together for 3 and were engaged last summer

3) Broke off the engagement on Oct 1 and got back together, although no longer engaged in November.

4) He bought a house in March

5) We found out we were having a baby in April

6) Things were great before finding out about baby, then it got scary - what do we do, etc. Very stressful, but he was coming around my family.

7) things starting to get better and then big blow out fight on the 4th of July - both saying and me doing things I shouldn't have done in anger.

8) we didn't talk for that weekend and then a week later he tells me that he just can't live like that anymore - the fight bothered him and that we needed our space.

9) last wed he shows up confessing his undying love for me and that he wants us to work out.

10) Yesterday, tells me that we were never broken up, that we just needed some time apart. That he loves me always, etc.

11) Scared that the time together is not enough - it's different from when we lived together and he's so caught up in his new house, but can make time to do things he really wants to do and that he deserves to do. I'm just scared I won't get my time.

12) Thinks she is overanalyzing...

 

What do you think?!

[notsoanonymous]

Honestly? If you guys are having a baby I think you BOTH owe it to your child to get some professional help to mend the broken parts of what you two have/had before.

 

This is much bigger given that information.

 

Have either of you seen a counselor together or separately? Would he be willing?

[bellanicola003]

Hi, yes, I have been in counseling since last September for my own issues which did plague the relationship - big reason of why we split. He has said he would go with me to get things right for us, but he wanted to get into his house first and now, since last week, he's almost officially in.

 

The reason for the separate houses and not moving back in was because we wanted to make sure it was good before doing that again, plus his buy was a good investment, I must say!

 

I just want to fix all of this and do it now! Like I said, he does want to go to counseling, but thinks that if we just sit back and relax and let things take its course that it will work itself out. I'm not like that though, I'm a fix it now person.

[notsoanonymous]

Frankly, putting it off for a house when you are 7 months pregnant seems wrong to me. The baby is going to bring an enormous amount of both joy and stress to you both. You would be better prepared for that to happen if you had a stronger foundation to build from.

 

I think you should continue to see a counselor on your own, and ask him to set a date by which you two will begin counseling together. Better sooner though before the baby comes. Otherwise it could be, let's wait for counseling until the baby is ____ old and you never make it that far anyway....

[bellanicola003]

Well I'm only 5 months right now and he was actually excited about starting to go until our big fight.

I am going to have us set a date though and go, it will help out tremendously. The counseling for me though has helped and I myself am doing much better.

[notsoanonymous]

Great news that you are only 5 months along... but you really need to get this handled before the baby is a reality in your day to day life. I do wish you the best and hope great things for you!

 

(Congrats on being a soon-mommy too!)