it's over- advice?? what are our odds on getting back together?

[lilybird11]

My now ex and I dated for 13 months. It's been absolutely wonderful and I know that he is the love of my life. We'd talk about marriage, our futures together- the whole nine yards. The thing is, we're both in a very rocky point in our lives when we have to really figure out where we are, what we want to, what are goals are- as individuals. In essense, we weren't growing as much individually as we were as a couple. My ex is an actor/writer/musician- and a very successful one at that. But when he's not feeling creative or productive he gets insecure.

 

The only other time we went on a serious break was a little less than six months ago. We were having a lot of little stupid fit fights all the time and finally it came down to "It's not working- it's over." We agreed the problems were that we weren't working as much on ourselves, we had lost our individuality in the relationship and we needed to take the time to work on ourselves. It was hard. I asked if he still loved me and he said "no, not like that." That came as a blow. I asked if he would consider ever getting back together and he said it was too hard to think about it. We stopped communication completely for two weeks before having a conversation. Soon, we were back together, completely in love again, agreeing to give each other space when needed and to really take a step back if we have a stupid fight.

 

Flash forward to now. My boyfriend and I have been apart all summer as he's working at a theatre in another state for the time. The only time we've seen each other is when I flew there for our one year anniversary. The last few weeks, I've been able to sense his insecurity with himself on the phone- he was frustrated with the work he was doing, he wasn't feeling creative, he was surrounded by people just as if not more brilliant than he was, and to top it off he had been denied lead in a performance quintet because he was the better singer and "harmonies are harder". So I've known he's been frustrated.

 

Then, a couple days ago, I get a call. It's starts very bluntly- "This is not a good talk." To sum it up in a nutshell, he tells me that he needs to take time for himself, to be with himself, to work on himself. That he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life and he can't factor in other people right now considering he doesn't know where he's going to end up. I asked him to just wait two weeks until he would be home so we could talk about in person but he kept saying no, no, no, I've made up my mind. I asked if he still loved me, though. He said, no, not like that. He said he's been having doubts for the last couple of weeks, that he hasn't wanted to say that he loved me over the phone because he felt awkward, and he couldn't flirt with me anymore. At this point I broke down, saying that, in honesty, I wasn't "in" love with him either. That we were BOTH at a point when we really need to figure out what we're doing and that was the reason we fell out of it. This shocked him- he wasn't expecting me to want a break too. I said that we couldn't give ourselves to someone if we don't know who we're giving. I asked if he would consider falling in love again if settings were right and we were ready and he said that he couldn't plan for anything like that now.

 

Much later that night I called his phone when I knew he would be asleep to leave a voicemail. I wanted to ask him something, I'm not even sure what anymore, but all I said was that I did want to ask him something but though it seems like the most important thing in the world right now, it probably isn't. I told him that all I wanted was for him to be happy and for me to be happy and we need space. I said if he wanted to, to call me back, but if not, we'd talk when we were ready. I said I cared about him very much, and hung up. I wasn't expecting a call back, maybe just a text message saying he wasn't ready. We had agreed not to talk for the next two weeks and meet up when he's back to talk things out. To my surprise, he called back- at 6:40 in the morning his time, when he wouldn't usually be awake. I picked up the phone and he asked "what did you want to ask me?" I told him it wasn't really important, that we could talk about it when we meet. He said ok, and that he was going back to sleep then.

 

So questions- does it say something that he wasn't sleeping well and his first action was to check his voicemail and call me?

Do you think this is a repeat of our spring break up or is this much more serious since there was no fight to spark it?

And most importantly- what are our, honest, odds of getting back together?? What should I do?? Help!

[kuhl282000]

About 3% of people ever get back together I'm sorry to report

[ILikeHockey]

Since you say its the most important question to you, I'll address your odds of getting back together.

 

No one can tell you that. I could say something like "98% of couples that break up never get back together, and 70% of those that do ultimately break up again" (I made those numbers up, don't take them as fact). But that doesn't matter, at all. It doesn't take into account who you are, who your ex is, how you two feel about each other, what you two are willing to do to make things work, etc. Statistics and odds don't take into account the most important factor in these sorts of things: you.

 

Of course, this doesn't in any way mean that you'll be getting back together with him. It also doesn't mean you won't be. Take time for yourself, away from him. Deal with how you're feeling. When you're ready, decide what you want your next step to be, and whether or not you want to try this relationship again (and you're NOT ready now. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are). There are some good threads in the "Getting Back Together" section that might help you. Heck, just look for all posts by SuperDave.

 

No contact is the general recommended way to go around here, but it may not always be the best move. I'd say its never the worst one, and its probably your safest bet. Try it for a week or two (to use a nice analogy SuperDave made, you wouldn't arm wrestle with a broken arm. Well, right now your heart is broken. Don't do your thinking with it), and decide whether you want to keep it up, would be my advice. Its not gonna be easy, trust me (I can't seem to keep it up for more than a week, although, thats not *always* my fault). But you'll get through it.

 

EDIT: Sorry, I was writing this before kuhl made his post. I'm just surprised at how close my made up statistic was.

[kuhl282000]

I like Hockey .......just gave you some great advice .....

 

I love happy endings

 

Kuhl

[GetMeBack]

Hi Hun,

 

Sorry for your breakup..I will let you know now. This wont be a "hopeful" message because I dont buy the reasons he has given you for the breakup. Maybe the real reasons he has kept hidden because as humans we dont want to hurt the people close to us.

 

Your ex may have wanted to break up with you because he was simply just "bored" of the relationship and wants to see "pastures new". It sounds awful, but there is nothing you could of done to stop this from happening. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!

 

Are you both quite young? This whole business with his drama e.t.c seems preety mean. Basically, if things dont go right with him at work he throws a strop oh " boo hoo" to him. BIG DEAL. You get good and bad days at work. If he is in the performing arts there is a big possibility he could get more bad then good. Thats the nature of the business. He needs to grow up on that and not throw his dummy out when things dont go his way.

 

You may get back together but he gives me a strong feeling of someone that wants to see if the grass is greener first. And believe me, it never is! He will make contact with you, and probably mess you around.Thats If you accept it.

 

So instead of thinking you have no control right now, its completely the opposite. You have precious time now to see this situation for what it really is. Accept your part in the break up and think about youself. Do some you work, smile , laugh and you never know...the idea of going out with him may seem like a burden after all this " you " work..

 

GetMeBack

[lilybird11]

Hi GetMeBack,

 

I know his reasons sound, for lack of a better word, lame. But it's honestly the type of person he is. He's rather existential. So I know to a lot of people who may not know him very well, his reasons sound like bits he's grabbing at to try to make a cohesive argument but they are extremely true.

I would have gone with the bored approach since he had been gone for the summer if it weren't for the fact that he sure as hell wasn't acting bored with it. I guess it could be a factor now, but it just fits strangely. And he is, to describe it accurately, the girl in the relationship almost. He's not the typical he-man male that's always looking for something better so I doubt there would be or will be another girl anytime soon. That being said, I think you're grass is greener idea may have something because it does seem that he just assumes that all his own problems will become so much easier if he's alone to deal with them. Yeah, we'll see how that goes.

 

We are both young and he is quite insecure about his work which I don't always understand because he does extraordinarily well. But anytime there's one little slip he beats himself up about it. I'm the comforter when he needs it.

 

As of right now, he wants to meet in about a week and a half when he gets back to just talk everything out in person and I agreed so I guess we'll see where it all goes from there.

 

I'm not stressing myself out or beating myself up about it. I'm taking this time for myself and just, I guess, playing it by ear.

[GetMeBack]

Hi Lily,

 

I am sorry but he sounds really imature, he has to understand that LIFE will not always go the way he plans too, and throwing his dummy out of the pram wont get what he wants...

 

You mentioned how you are always there for him, and are the comforter..

 

Well after you meet up, say what you both have to say then " let him make his bed and lie in it " as my mum would say...

 

Dont be dumped, and there for him!..He will be back..

 

Love GetMeBack.xx

[kuhl282000]

Comforter is a good word .......kind compassionate .......the guys a nut case to ever leave someone like that .........keep fighting for your guy ....protect that heart of yours ......

 

Good Luck

[GetMeBack]

I am sorry but I strongly disagree...How can she fight for a guy who has rejected her and protect her heart at the same time????

 

 

Karnage.

 

GetMeBack

[lilybird11]

So currently I am working on protecting my heart- and looking out for myself.

He is immature. But I'm hoping that if this is him realizing that he needs to figure himself out and grow up a bit, maybe that'll turn around. He needs to get a handle on the fact that he is the only one of controlling his life and if he's not satisfied with something about himself or his work, it can only be him that fixes it. I'm a writer and an artist- so also in the rather artsy area if living- and he does get a bit tense when he knows I'm having good streaks and he's feeling blocked.

When we meet, I'm going to make sure that while I still care about him, he can't just expect me to be there. He pulled this once before and this time, if he does want something eventually, he needs to know that I'm not going to be letting that happen again. He really is a great guy and I think you're right GetMeBack when you say that he'll be back. But this time he needs to grow up a bit.

So I guess there is a way to fight for what you want and protect your heart at the same time. It's just laying the facts and the truth out there, making your intentions or feelings known, and then taking charge by stepping back and letting things come to you instead of you trying hard to chase after them. It's hard, but I suppose it's the only way to hold the balance.

xo lily