How to deal with the ex girlfriend?

[schizo]

I guess we'll start at the beginning...Before me, my boyfriend had another girlfriend. They were together for almost two years, and were pretty "serious" for as young as they were. When my bf and I started getting interested in each other, he was still with this girl, but I didn't know that. She had moved to a different state, and they were both still young so I guess it was an "out of site out of mind" sort of thing. We didn't officially become "boyfriend and girlfriend" until after they had broken up, but I still didn't know about her at the time. I didn't find out until a couple months after we had started our relationship, when his brother ((who was a friend of mine)) told me that his ex had been in town, and when she left my bf had kissed her.

 

Well...I went into kind of a nervous break down. Long story short, I ended up in the mental health ward of the hospital for a night. Before I had been admitted, I called up my boyfriend to tell him that he was a jerk, a liar, ect, and that it was over. ((He didn't answer the phone but I left a message)) I know it kind of sounds crazy that I reacted this way to something like this... But I had already been dealing with some depression/anxiety issues and other life things, and being cheated on was the last straw I guess.

 

After getting out of the hospital, my bf and I ended up talking. He was very upset about how I had reacted, and felt really bad. He finally confessed to me what had been going on, and told me that he just needed to tell her goodbye, because he didn't really get a chance to before we started dating. I didn't and still don't think that is a valid reason to kiss someone that isn't your girlfriend, but I got over it and we moved on. We've been together for almost three years now and have a great relationship.

 

But now...the ex is coming back into our lives and I am very unhappy about it. The reason is because my bf's older brother, who is living with us, has started dating this girl, and it is causing a lot of conflict.

 

For one thing, dating your little brother's ex is just something that you DO NOT touch in my opinion. It's also pretty messed up to start dating your exes brother. I don't think they should have even been flirting or crossing that line in anyway.

 

Also, I think they are both being really stupid. Right before they started dating, my bfs brother came out of the closet. Admitted that he was GAY. He has dated guys and had sexual experiences with guys. We had all gone to a cross dressing party, and at the party he had slept with and gotten the number of one of the guys there. This was less than a week prior to the start of their relationship. I seems to me like he is just trying REALLY REALLY hard to be straight. His mom is very very homophobic, and so he's having a hard time with that. This girl still lives out of the state...so that's kind of conveinent for him....They've only seen each other in person for like three days because of this, and they've only been dating for a few weeks, but they claim they are "in love"....*rolls eyes*

 

The biggest thing that bothers me though, is that I DO NOT want this girl back in our lives. I feel guilty because she got cheated on because of me. I am still angry about my boyfriend kissing her. I don't like thinking of my boyfriend ever being with or loving any other girl, no matter how long ago it was or how young they were. I don't like thinking about her and I just want her to go away.

 

Another reason their past relationship makes me uncomfortable, is because awhile after we'd started dating, she sends my bf a letter to confess to him that while they were together she got pregnant, and had a miscarage, and then later told him, just kidding, I had an abortion. Now...to me this seems like a lie. I mean, why AFTER they break up would she be suddenly confessing this to him? I guess it could be true though, and I really hate the idea of him having a baby with another girl. And he believes her and it really upsets him because he feels like he helped in killing something.

 

Another issue, is that she seems like she's doing this just to try and piss us off, and it's working. She suddenly started texting me yesterday. I don't even know how she got my number... At first she was being really nice, but still just plain stupid. Telling me how she wanted us all to just get along because "they are in love" and "she thinks this is the real thing" blah blah blah... She wanted to know why I was upset so she could try and help. ((My bf and I have both confronted his brother about what an ignorant stupid thing he is doing)) So...I told her everything ((except for his sexual confusion issue...I feel that's his business)) And then suddenly she starts telling me she is worried about my bf because he thinks I'm cheating on him. So I talk to my bf about this. He says he knows I'm not cheating, and that he never said anything to her. I believe him...I mean, why would he be telling this girl he thinks I'm cheating on him? That just doesn't make any sense... I stopped texting her then because I knew she was just trying to start chaos...but she still keeps sending me messages and it is so hard to not say something really mean... I really just want to yell at her, "You know your "boyfriend" is GAY right?!"

 

So...right now I am just praying to God that they will both realize how stupid they're being and break up. But I have this fear...what if they don't? I don't know how to deal with that. There is a big family reunion coming up for my bfs family, and he really wanted us to go because he wants me to meet all of his extended family. But now his brother is talking about having the ex girlfriend come to the reunion also. I really don't want to go if she is there. That is just too much awkward-ness for me. But it's not fair that we should have to be afraid to go to family things because this girl might be there. And what happens with all the other family things this girl decides to go to? I'm torn because not showing up would kind of be like letting her win, but I really don't think I can be in the same general area as her without starting some kind of cat fight.

 

Well...that was really really long. I think I may have written it just for ranting purposes, because I really don't see any way for this issue to be solved. But...if anyone actually made it thru my whole post and has any kind of advice at all, it would be very much appreciated. ](*,)

[ghostgirl116]

you don't need to start anything, or finish. you're 19, so high school is over. just be a lady. do not, i repeat, do not text her back,or answer anything that she sends your way (emails, phone messages). perhaps you can even get your number changed. how often does you bf speak to this girl? anyway, show your man that you are the grown woman in this situation, go to the reunion with him (don't make him choose or go without you, it will only make the situation worse), and if she is there, just steer clear of her. if she walks over to you, just smile politely and excuse yourself, as you just remembered you need to call your aunt edna about something. then call a girlfriend (or your aunt edna), and meet up with your bf after a few moments. DO NOT fight with him about this girl... seems that she might like that. she seems to forget that you are not in high school anymore, so you will have to be the one to remember.

 

you do not owe this girl anything. you do not owe her any return texts, or any type of conversation.

[Catdancer]

I am having a hard time dealing with my bf's ex. Let's just say that we have ALOT of bad history. Last Sat night, my bf's band played a show, we found out we're pregnant the same day, and she was at the show. She stayed with her friends and I stayed with mine and my bf. He did go talk to her. But I watched like a hawk and tried to play it off. lol I have found that going to events where she may be there isnt so bad. And she's not as bad as I have built up in my mind. Now granted we're 34, 36 and 39, you're 19, so there's quite an age difference here and thereforee we see things differently.

 

My point is to go and do the things that you enjoy. If she is there, deal with it then. Make it clear thru a text that you have no interest in hearing from her and you'd appreciate it if she'd leave you alone. Regarding family events, dont sit at home moping. Instead, put on your most beautiful outfit and be a social butterfly. Meet the family, kiss the kids and the old men, eat as much food as you can and enjoy yourself. You cannot let one girl dictate how you run your life. You are bigger and stronger than that. Trust me. Cat

[schizo]

UPDATE: They've broken up...THANK GOD!!!