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Online Dating: Not sure whats up


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Okay, so I had a personals profile up for awhile but never paid to get a subscription for one reason or another. Recently, I decided I was going to be more proactive about finding someone to date, and since I don't get out much and would rather not bar/club surf I decided to give the online thing a try.


I might not have gone through with it but it just so happened that a woman sent me a note on one of the sites. It was clear she didn't have a subscription herself but she chose one of the generic 'flirt' type comments that they allow you to send for free. (So that the other person will fork over the money to make contact)


Well this girl's smile was what got me. I couldn't help but smile when I saw it in her pics. Her profile seemed well written and I thought 'hmm, she showed interest and seems like someone I might be able to connect with... why not?'


So I sign up, and send her a note (about a week later, due to a cold/work). I basically just said hello, told her a little about why I was messaging her (about her smile and how it made me smile) and that if she wanted to call me, email, text, etc that I'd be really happy to talk to her.


I made a comment about 'how it would be wonderful if I could be responsible for some of those lovely smiles' which in my head seemed cute (but may have come accross as weird?). The last little part was a very loose invite for a public cultural Japanese festival in the area that I was going to that evening. I told her that if she wanted to come it would be a fun time. (Safe public place, lots of people, food, music, good times for a first meeting right?)

It was semi-short notice though so I told her no worries if she couldn't/didn't want to.


Okay, so 3 days or so go by and no response. I start thinking maybe she's not interested and then I realize that I had only left my phone number as contact info and that the site wouldn't let her email me if she wasn't a member. I didn't want her to have to go pay $30 for an email, so I sent another short note with my email and screen name and a little message about how I'd really like to chat with her and that it didn't have to be on the phone if she would rather email/text. I also added that if she wasn't interested it was fine and I'd appreciate it she'd let me know.


So, the other day I was checking the site and it tells you when the people have last logged in. ("User logged in within 24 hours") I thought, okay, well she got the messages then.


It's been a few more days since then and nothing.


Did I mess up? Was I weird in the messages?

Do people send those little free flirts if they don't actually want you to contact them?


Dunno if anyone else has any experience in this area but I'd be interested to hear what you all think.


Thanks for the long read.



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Accidently deleted message. To cut a long story short, please read:


1. I think the sites sometimes send out pre-fabricated 'smilies' to allure new members.


2. She might not be posting there anymore. Site may be sending out 'smilies' from expired members.


3. Some people play the numbers game - premise: You send smilies to XXX number of people, but XX respond. That way, you are guaranteed at getting at least some responses. Sleazy behaviour... And, desperate.


4. Sometimes i think our messages come accross as 'weird', due to the impersonal nature of the medium and the insecurities and uncertainties that come with it...


Look, the whole online dating thing is impersonal and harsh. You have to be prepared to play the numbers' game. If you don't fit in, you probably won't meet many people. Just look at the number of threads here, expressing people's disatisfaction with the thing...


My 2 cents.

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It was yahoo.


I'm not sure if the profile was a dummy profile or not. There's no real way to check that out. The pictures looked real enough. (As in, they weren't some super model in a pose... just a normal girl here and there) The photos also match the geographical location so that made me think it was more 'real'.


I'm not really interested in playing the numbers game... in fact I only really paid the membership fee for the chance to contact her. I hadn't really looked around at the other possibilities. I guess that's something I should consider now since I've already paid.


Just feels lame.


So the consensus is that I didn't weird her out? Just want to be sure. I never know how to contact someone for the first time. From walking up to a girl in a bar to online first chats...

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You track her down. That impresses a woman. Show up with flowers one day. That is how I met my girlfriend on the net. I did not pay for any of these "sites" Triied Plenty of Fish for about three weeks, And I was reeling in Whales. Nope they were more like "great white sharks"

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I hope I don't get flamed here, but if she was real, I think your message could have been a little creepy. Next time, if you decide to stay on, just send a simple hello and ask her some questions about her profile. i.e. "So you have been to Italy, that' great, what did you enjoy most about it?" or " So what is a typical weekend like in D'ville, anything fun?" Stuff like that. Never ask to meet up that soon. I personally have used match for years when not in a relationship and have been very successful. You just have to understand that it is a numbers game and that you have to act as normal as possible. A lot of girls that I met from dating sites say that a lot guys are too pushy and freak them out. Good luck and try some more! Send out a lot of free "winks" or "message quotes" and you will get some responses.

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Meh. I think I'll just let the subscription expire and not bother with online dating. It seems just as lame as real life dating but with a slightly different set of rules. I didn't feel like i was being too forward and I gave her options as to how she could contact me if she wanted to. The part that makes me think 'huh?' is that she initiated the contact. Why bother show someone interest if you don't want them to return it?



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Look Rising, don't worry about it. It was unlikely her, or unlikely you. I think the nature of online dating makes it hard to really meet someone. It has a lot to do with timing, eg, you may be too busy to get to know someone at a particular time, or they may be. Because it's impersonal and you don't get to meet them in person, many mis-understandings can take place, or as i said before, the timing might be off.


I still think she was playing the numbers game, or that she was a bot profile (site sends out smiles from her profile to lure new members in).


And, your message may have come accross as a bit creepy. You've got to look at it from her point of view, she's probably been messaged by heaps of guys, some nice, some not so nice, so when the real deal comes along, she is all cynical or jaded. I find online dating / friendship sites to be a bit weird because of some of the reasons i have mentioned above. To be honest, i became jaded with it after a while and all cynical. When somebody sent me a 'smile', i was like, "are they really interested in me, or are they just sending out smiles to everyone?". So, you have to see if from her point of view (that's if she really exists). I think the best approach is a friendly, affiable one, where you slip under the radar.

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