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I feel lost, and I don't know what to do.


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This is long and as truthful and detail filled as I can make it.


So I decided I had the hots for a girl I worked with back in March. Turns out that she had the hots for me to. We went to coffee and took it from there and just seemed to really hit it off hard. We ended up having sex like two weeks later. I was a virgin she was twice not a virgin with two other previous boyfriends. I was a little weirded out at first but gradually came to realize it wasn't a big deal and she wasn't in any way wrong or a bad person for it.


We were head over heels for each other for the first two months, then one day she called me and said she had something to tell me and that I "wouldn't like it." I go over to see her and she tells me she has a crush on another guy at work. At first I was a bit puzzled and asked her about it. She said she didn't know what to do and I told her that you can't help who you fall in love with. In hind sight I realized thats a choice you make that she could help it. Anyway I left her crying and curled up on the couch that day. The next day when she came to work she brought with her a piece of paper that she had glued the cut outs "I (heart) U" and wrote below that "I can't imagine my life without you....." At that point I figured she had got her head on straight and this would be the end of it......WRONG. She acted differently for that next month, the sex stopped (she claimed she wanted to wait till her birth control became active...we had sex once during that month with protection), she got angry with me quickly and just seemed annoyed by my presense. A month later its the morning of her birthday and i go over to see her with her birthday presents. I walk in and immediately sense something wrong. I hand her her presents, she opens them, looks at them then with tear filled eyes says I have to take them back. I said "is it Ethan?" (the guy she had a crush on), she said yes. I grabbed my backpack and helmet and walked out to my motorcycle without saying anything. I don;t know why, but I turned around and went back to talk.


Anyway, we ended up breaking up and I was crushed. I was all bent out of shape the next couple days, I felt physically sick to my stomach. I felt sorry for her because I still loved and cared about her, I could see it on her face at work and in her eyes. Regardless I was noticeably impatient and uncomfortable with her around. I went over and talked with her a day later and asked her what had been going on. She said not a lot and I pinned the question on her, "What have you and Ethan done?" She told me they had kissed, I became more or less silently infuriated. I told her she had no respect for me and neither did he, said it was over and left.


I didn't talk to her for a day or two. I followed her to her car a few nights later, we both got off at the same time. We talked and hugged and seemed that we would make this work. When I got home I had a change of heart and emailed her, explaining that I was too afraid to release my anger and frustrations face to face and basically did it in an email. She did not take that well, but i felt better and started to get back on track that night and the next day.


She talked to a close friend of mine at work the following day and he told her what she needed to do was give me some time and space then tell me how she felt if she wanted a chance of getting me back. Well she waited all of a day to try and get a hold of me. She called me something like 10 times and sent me like 11 texts in an hour and a half. I didn't pick up or answer any of them. He attitude in the text was basically "what did I do wrong", "I'm so sorry." To me it was very apparent what she did wrong. Anyway I stopped at her apartment the next night around 11 after I got off work and I saw Ethan on the couch through the window. I told her she had two minutes to talk, to get outside pronto. I felt desperate and foolish for even talking to her. I told her to tell him to leave and she said she couldn't. She said she needed time to come to a decision, which seemed odd to me you would need him there to think. She told me she tried to make things right the night before when she called relentlessly, but I wasn't in a reasoning state of mind. I felt like she was hanging out with this guy to get back at me, but I couldn't prove it.


We were suppose to meet the following day after work and she was going to give me an answer, but after talking to my mom I decided that I was not going to be given an answer and that this was stupid so I told her I wouldn't be meeting her. She got pissed and we stopped talking again and i finally just went on with life for the next few days. I really broke out of my bubble and went and did things. It was fun but I could not shake her from the back of my mind no matter how far away I got, I felt like I was always checking my phone to see if she had called or text me.


The 4th of July came and I found myself out in a rural town with some work friends shooting off mortars and generally being a bunch of guys in their early 20's. It was a lot of fun and I thoroughly enjoyed myself and almost escaped thinking of her. When I got home that night i was laying in bed and thinking I should text her and say happy fourth and leave it at that, but i thought better than to give her hope that I still thought about her. I didn't need to text her, she came to me.


About 1130 that night I was almost asleep and my phone rings and i think "who the hell is calling me?" My heart jumped a little, it was her. I pick up and she quietly says "I just wanted to tell you happy 4th". I said thank you and there was this long silence, I finally said "do you want to talk or what?" I could almost hear her burst into tears on the phone, so I get up and get dressed and ride over to her apartment. We talked for a long time and she just told me how much it hurt not having me around and how hard the past week had been. Her sisters who shes very close to telling her she looked like hell, the feelings of loneliness and the final straw, watching fireworks all alone. I told her that I would give it another go but if she even made the slightest step out of line it was over. She told me she was done with Ethan and wasn't talking to him.


Things started to go well again, I was standing up for myself and not being submissive about how I felt. I told her I loved having her around but one thing I realized was I didn't need her to survive. I was hoping that might sink home the point how serious I was about it all. over the next week or two I basically allowed her to have contact with this guy outside work and stuff, text and whatnot, because i didn't feel I had the right to tell anyone what they could or couldn't do. I don't like feeling like I own or control someone. Things got back to normal, we actually had disagreements this time around and I stood my ground through everyone of them. Some ended pretty others ended not so pretty but in the end it came down to we loved each other.


Over the coming weeks she started to tell me that she was not going to be able to keep her apartment she was renting, a single bedroom at $525 a month, a car payment and school. Made sense to me, I understood it. A little while later she nervously tells me that Ethan told her that he and his brother had a house and were looking to rent out the one or two other rooms. Ethan's brother who owned the house was in the process of getting a divorce from his wife who had cheated on him, even with a 2 year old daughter. I actually felt surprisingly okay about the idea, I trusted her and believed she had learned her lesson.


Since the breakup she has been honest and fourth coming about everything involving Ethan. She always asks me if she can go do stuff with him, a movie once, shopping for her bathroom stuff for her room at his brothers house, etc. I felt like she really cared about how I was feeling and what i thought. We were laying in bed the other night and she was texting Ethan and some other guy from work who always text her and she considers annoying. I became upset and she sensed it and ask what was wrong. I just said "nothing" to avoid an argument and rolled over, she got upset and rolled over also. I don't like going to bed with anger or frustration on my mind, so I rolled back over and said "honey, you always say how much you want to hang out and miss me, yet every time I come over you just text the WHOLE time." She completely shocked me, she said "your right babe, I do and its not right or fair, I'll stop texting when your over, I do want to see you." She did slow down on the texting, I didn't mind now and then, I just didn't like the other convo going on when i was talking to her.


She just finished moving all of her boatload of stuff into her new room at Ethan's brothers house today. I have felt really paranoid the past few days watching this all unfold, I get nervous at night when i go to bed with her not here, my mind races and the "what if's...." start flowing. Shes been very froward with me about everything to my knowledge and I have been a bit of a butt the past few days out of plain fear for putting her in her situation by saying I was okay with it. My thought is that the best way to know someones true colors is to put them in front of the problem and see what happens. So far nothing has happened, she has been great, shes just said a few things that bother me/piss me off and I get worried. The other night we were arguing because i got nervous about her being over there and she said "you never asked me to move in with you", basically saying it was my fault she was where she was at. I live in a 2 bedroom with a roommate, it never even crossed my mind. I felt like that was a real low blow. Then last night I had another freak out and she said she thought I was handling it "really well, that she would be freaked out if I moved in with two girls." That really bothered me that she said that. Shes been very very bust this week and stressed out. Moving, a summer class thats demanding, work and her sister is getting married this Saturday so shes been busy and stressed. Shes like me she has bad anxiety and this gets her bent out of shape. It reminds me of how she acted the month before she broke it off with me and I get all weirded out. I don't know how to handle all this, its all just taking a big toll on me mentally, its exhausting for me some days/nights, but I truly believe that she wants to marry me like she says she does, but she said that before she broke up with me. She finally told me she believes she did it because she couldn't believe that she actually found someone she wanted to marry. Puzzling, but then again sometimes you just don't know why you do things.


I'm not looking for people to point out where I did or didn't go wrong before now, its water under the bridge. I just feel lost inside, jealousy, fear, love, I can't sort it out. What can I do, what should I tell her to explain how I feel inside and what this all looks like from my point of view.


Tis was long and if you got this far I REALLY appreciate the fact that you probably want to help or at least care.


A huge amount of trust was broken the day she broke up with me, and I get very very defensive and protective if you screw me over. I want to be able to trust, but I'm afraid to give that to her again. Will I ever get past this and be normal with her again? I do love her.



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why dont you ask her to move in with you now?

its not too late.


im sorry but i would never move in with one of my ex's when i had a boyfriend. thats just really disrespectful.

I understand that you love this girl, and it sounds like you two are getting along better, but there are things that just have to change. You two need to quit fighting, and she needs to grow up. She needs to move out of that house.

I dont see how things could ever work with her living there.

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why dont you ask her to move in with you now?

its not too late.


Ya...that's a BAD idea. Don't go with that until you're actually sure about this girl.


If you want my honest opinion, I think you should ditch this girl and find something better. From what you said she sounds very selfish and manipulative. I don't blame you for having a hard time trusting her, and feeling scared and angry. But I don't think you'll feel better until you stop trying to make this relationship work.

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I hate to say this, but I read the entire thing, and it is not good.


She said she has feelings for this guy, and now she is moving in with him?


At BEST she is very very very immature and naive. At worst, she is cheating on you already.


Do yourself a favor and find another girl. Trust me, they are out there -- I am sure she is not the only girl you can find.


How old are you both?

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