Is it possible to play nice...FOREVER?

[helplesslyhoping]

My STBX and I are trying to get along.

 

We have a 9 yr old daughter and we really want her to not end up any more hurt and screwed up than we are already making her by divorcing.

 

He is over A LOT because he works 3rd shift, I work retail. Our daughter goes to day camp while he sleeps and she hangs out with him after.

 

I try so hard to be nice but there are times I really want to kick his teeth in!

 

He is the sole cause of our demise. He had an affair instead of talking to me about how he was feeling and now says he never loved me and we shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

When he is in my home taking care of out daughter, he often stays for several hrs after I get home, before he leaves for work. I live 30 min from his job. If he left and went back to his place it would be 30 min in the opposite direction then an hr drive back past me, to his work. That's a lot of gas to be wasting and there just isn't that kind of money to be throwing out a window.

 

Once I get home he drops all parental responsibility on me.

So here i am after a full day on my feet, at a job I had to get because he's a jerk, having to constantly be the bad parent with our daughter.

 

I have to remind her to pick up after herself, do this, don't do that, did you remember to... while he lies on the sofa doing NOTHING!

 

Tonight I asked him if he wanted the position as babysitter or father. A babysitter watches the child and leaves when the parent gets home. A father sticks around and guides a child. If he wants to be a babysitter, then he needs to leave when I get home. If he wants to be a father, he needs to step up and help me even if he doesn't live here.

 

He says I'm being difficult.

I say he's being an a s s.

[Clementine orange]

[quote=helplesslyhoping;2618013

Tonight I asked him if he wanted the position as babysitter or father.

 

An excellent question he should be asking himself.

Maybe you should trying writing him a letter instead of the verbal stuff. Men tend to tune women out (not me mind you haha)

[helplesslyhoping]

An excellent question he should be asking himself.

Maybe you should trying writing him a letter instead of the verbal stuff. Men tend to tune women out (not me mind you haha)

 

I have writers cramp from all the letters both written and typed over the past year.

I'm starting to believe he really just doesn't give a damn

[Hollyj]

I go with ass!

[DN]

I think you would be better to let this one go. There is no point telling him how to be a father any more than there is in him telling you how to be a mother. All that will do is cause antagonism and even more bad feeling than there is already.

 

That will serve neither of you and in certainly won't help your child. Even if she is not a direct witness to arguments of this nature the tension they will bring will affect her.

[helplesslyhoping]

I think you would be better to let this one go. There is no point telling him how to be a father any more than there is in him telling you how to be a mother. All that will do is cause antagonism and even more bad feeling than there is already.

 

That will serve neither of you and in certainly won't help your child. Even if she is not a direct witness to arguments of this nature the tension they will bring will affect her.

 

I understand what you mean, but at the same time I feel like I'm being told that it's ok for him to be this way.

It's not ok. I feel that if he is going to be in MY home then he needs to help out with HIS daughter, otherwise, he needs to leave when I get home.

[Hollyj]

It's not ok. I feel that if he is going to be in MY home then he needs to help out with HIS daughter, otherwise, he needs to leave when I get home.

 

You've answered your own question.

[thejigsup]

Please, for your child's sake, take DN's advice. Her feelings and well being are more important than either of yours. At least he is there for his child. My ex disappeared after the divorce and my son never knew him. Give him credit for this and he may just surprise you. (Hint) People love to be complimented on their parenting skills. Doing that may actually improve things between the you guys.

[DN]

The problem is that if you tell him he has to leave when you get home the issue of the cost of gas comes into play - and, as you say, that's a lot of money to be throwing out the window.

 

It is not always easy to co-parent children, even when the parents are together. People have different styles, rules and boundaries. It doesn't necessarily mean that one parent is right and the other wrong - just different. Hopefully parents work out how to support each other in front of the children and present some sort of united front even when they disagree.

 

When the parents are separated it becomes even more tricky. So it is important to concentrate on the things that really matter and let the others go. For instance; if your daughter was doing something dangerous, such as experimenting with drugs, then both of you should be enforcing a no-drugs rule and backing each other up.

 

But other things are not so important - such as picking up after herself. That is not important to her, and since her father doesn't live there any longer, it isn't important to him either. It's you that wants her to do that for your own reasons. So if he doesn't want to enforce your rules, especially when you are in the house and are able to enforce them yourself, it isn't very wise to make this a major issue.

 

What I think you should do is to try to agree what major issues are important for the well-being of your child and agree to mutually enforce them. Let the other stuff go - and enforce your own rules your own way. There are better ways to cooperate than one parent setting the rules and the other having to enforce them.

 

As your separation and divorce become more of a reality it will be even more vital for these issues to be resolved amicably. And it is really important that anger and hurt over his behaviour towards you, his wife, is not directed against him for how he looks after your daughter.

[pinkelephant]

try and be nice. explain to him how tired you are and that you would really appreciate it if he could watch her for a bit more. then make some sort of desert for him to bring with to work.

 

 

 

men respond to sweetness.

[just M.E.]

helplessly -

 

Yes it is possible but it takes turning a blind eye to the irritating deficiencies. Not an easy task and it will always be less than perfect but I believe it is worth it in having some sense of unified family for your daughter.

 

My daughter's father & I divorced when she was less than two, we managed but it got difficult, there where times I had to have a few "Come to Jesus" meetings with him and get him on track.

 

For the record, the divorce I am here about is a remarriage and not my daughter's father. I fall into the "You sure know how to pick 'em" category and if one more family member reminds me, I may go Postal on them!

[JadedStar]

Please, for your child's sake, take DN's advice. Her feelings and well being are more important than either of yours. At least he is there for his child. My ex disappeared after the divorce and my son never knew him. Give him credit for this and he may just surprise you. (Hint) People love to be complimented on their parenting skills. Doing that may actually improve things between the you guys.

 

i totally agree with this. Many spouses who cheat become very self absorbed and forget the child(ren) altogether. I know it is hard to see this but at least he is there and is involved in some way.

[TexasDad]

I agree with the above whole heartedly

 

Also it sounds as though you want to come home to some downtime while he is there and that sounds nice and all but you might as well get used to the fact that downtime is going to get hard to come by. Also having been on 3rd shift and being a parent, when is his downtime? He goes to sleep, she goes to daycamp, then he watches her until you get home, then you expect him to be the heavy until he goes to work?

 

Couldn't he just go to work early? stop somewhere nearby his work? He doesn't have to go home before he goes to work does he? I think there are lots of solutions to your problem.

[JadedStar]

^^Good point. IF he is on third shift and caring for your child when you are at work I would imagine he is looking for some downtime too.

[redhearts]

I say he sees your guys' daughter on visitation days and spends time with her. Then he isn't allowed over at your house unless your throwing a birthday party for her.=] Hes an a-beeeep!

[helplesslyhoping]

^^Good point. IF he is on third shift and caring for your child when you are at work I would imagine he is looking for some downtime too.

 

He gets his down time when he gets home from work, before he goes to bed, just like people who work "normal" hours.

[ghostgirl116]

i know that i'll get heck for this, but i just think that he is being totally disrespectful to you, and if you are being nice enough to let him stay so that he can save on gas, then there is no reason that he should be allowed to be so disrespectful. it is your home, not his. he has rules for his house, i'm sure. a way he likes to do things. why does it make YOU the bad guy because you don't want to play doormat?

 

i say that if he can't respect you in your own house, tell him he needs to leave when you get home.

[thejigsup]

Question: Do you want the future to consist of WWIII, with your poor daughter caught in the middle, or are you willing to overlook his faults (we all have them) and consider your daughter's future? The choice is a hard one, I'll give you that, but it is yours to make.

[just M.E.]

helplessly -

 

I agree with jigsup and others. This may not be easy to see in your position and I know it is irritating but it could be much worse. My daughter's father, thought spending time with his daughter was free baby sitting at first, even though that was an agreement he had, to help with childcare a couple nights a week so I could go to night classes. I had to hire a babysitter and go pick that sitter up and bring her to the house. Like I said, it could be worse and give it some time, you might find it easier.

 

If he wasn't doing the childcare he is doing now, what would your resources for that be?

[TexasDad]

He gets his down time when he gets home from work, before he goes to bed, just like people who work "normal" hours.

 

As do you...surely your child goes to bed before you do right?

[TexasDad]

...I feel that if he is going to be in MY home then he needs to help out with HIS daughter, otherwise, he needs to leave when I get home.

 

 

 

i know that i'll get heck for this, but i just think that he is being totally disrespectful to you, and if you are being nice enough to let him stay so that he can save on gas, then there is no reason that he should be allowed to be so disrespectful. it is your home, not his. he has rules for his house, i'm sure. a way he likes to do things. why does it make YOU the bad guy because you don't want to play doormat?

 

i say that if he can't respect you in your own house, tell him he needs to leave when you get home.

 

 

Where is the "disrespect" he is responsible for their daughter during the day, how is wanting the mom to take the reigns when she gets home disrespectful?

 

Who helps him during the day when mom is working?

 

Third shift is no party nor is working retail, and if he is not there spending quality time with his daughter when mom gets home from work, and it is just fussing, then really he needs to go to work early and wait there if he can't afford the gas to go home...

 

I don't know ya'lls situation but I think you have unfair expectations as far as who is in charge in your home when you are occupying the same space.

[TexasDad]

I'll give everyone this...Co-parenting/single parenting is HARD

 

 

Harder than marriage ever was in my opinion...

[goingmad]

I don't know ya'lls situation but I think you have unfair expectations as far as who is in charge in your home when you are occupying the same space.

 

Sorry TexasDad, but I sure don't agree that her expectations are unfair. There have to be boundries and she should not feel put upon in her own home. It's fair enough to say "either your are the babysitter or the father" - he can choose.

 

Mom, just because it would be wasteful with gas for him to drive all the way home and then have to drive back for work a short while later does not mean that he has the right to stay there and do nothing. I would suggest a talk along the lines of "look, when I get home we need to get into our mother / daughter rountine, and it would be easier if it was just the two of us." He is free to go get something to eat, go to a friends house, buy a newspaper and sit at the parking lot at work and read until his shift starts....whatever...it's not like being at the ex-wife's house is the only option.

 

And I bet you'll find that once he is out of the house, and you are not feeling those negative feelings, it will be easier for you to do your mom things and concentrate on your daughter, as she deserves.

 

If he's not contributing to a positive experience, you are fully within your rights to nicely say "Thank you for caring for our daughter today. Now it is time for you to leave. I hope you have a good evening".

 

Good luck with your situation - I hope things resolve soon

[ImThatGirl]

Where is the "disrespect" he is responsible for their daughter during the day, how is wanting the mom to take the reigns when she gets home disrespectful?

 

He sleeps during the day while the child is at daycamp per the OP. Then keeps her for what a couple hours?

 

Divorce is hard. And yes, it'd be nice if we could just play house forever after.

 

However, it's not all that easy. He wanted a divorce, he wanted his "single" life, he needs to stop mooching off of you by laying around on the couch all evening so he doesn't have to pay extra gas.

 

Will this change when she goes to school? Surely they have an after school program, you can pick her up when you get off work and he can see her on the weekends? Unless he wants to make more effort towards co-parenting?

[TexasDad]

I am all for the guy leaving when she gets home, but to expect him to try and tell his daughter what to do in her mother's house while her mother is present and has legal custody and is legally responsible for their daughter is an unfair expectation and just begging for confrontation.

 

Personally I won't spend any more time with my ex than is absolutely necessary. I get the feeling from the post that it is benefiting her having him there to watch their daughter during the day so how is that “mooching”? Seems to me she is “mooching” off of him just as much by him providing free “daycare” while she has possession of their daughter.

 

I had it written into my decree that my ex had to pay half of all daycare and extracurricular and school expenses. She is also supposed to pay me a meager amount of “medical support” a month for the children’s insurance, I haven’t seen one payment yet.

 

I say send the dude to work when you get home but don’t expect him to run things and be the “heavy” in your own home while you are present, it is your house and your responsibility, you are a single parent now, get used to it.