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We both know she has an another boyfriend

Im waiting

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I apologize the length of this.


My question is simple, what should I do and how should I continue?


My girl is couple years older than me and we are approaching 30 in few years. I'm from Europe and she's from Asia. Money is not an issue as I'm not rich and she's not poor and not other way around ether. We are living in her country but now let me tell you my story...


One day I met a beautiful, smart and funny woman. I got trapped, she was something I've been looking for a long time. I went out with her almost everyday. One day she told me that she might still love her old boyfriend from many years ago. She asked me "Can you wait me?". I've been looking for a girl like her for long time so I agree to wait.


Nevertheless about facts that she didn't want me to be her boyfriend or share her current life with me, we kept going out sharing my friends and my life. We are not hiding our relationship from the world, just from the people near us, for strangers we look lovers. We spent lots of time together, we have been traveling together. I'm very patient guy so I wait and wait. I waited a month, I waited for three months. I hear her saying she loves me during sex but I won't say it back because I don't think she really meant that and if I say something I mean it. She doesn't tell me later anymore she loves me.


A month from "I love you" she told me that "being with you feels like dream and if you don't want me I would still come to you", later on she denies to feel so anymore. I still kept my love not to be said as I don't let myself feel so because the secret situation. She had this sad face every now and then, very sad and I couldn't bear seeing her sad so I began to ask questions, questions she avoids and didn't want to hear. Finally she told me that she still has a boyfriend and "this our thing never happened". She tells me that the boy is her old schoolmate from many years ago and living in another city nearby. She has told me couple times before that she's going to that city but at this point she denied to go there because of her so called boyfriend.


On the next day she told me that she didn't mean "this never happened" and she was just angry for me pressuring her with the questions. I wasn't crushed as I knew something is wrong and because before she asked me to wait as she still had feelings to her old friend. I suspected that there is a boyfriend but I can't understand what kind of boyfriend she could have because she was spending so much time with me.


Now it's been about 4 months. We are still seeing each other like before and planning future. Now we are planning to go on a couple weeks trip to an another country. I still haven't met really any of her friends, I haven't seen her apartment and I'm afraid to ask questions. She tells me everything but not about her current life. I've told her that she is something I've been looking for a long time and every time she goes back to her home it hurts more and more. I still haven't told that I love her because I feel like she has to let me into her life first before I can fall in love with her but maybe she's waiting for me to love her before she's ready to open her life to me.


I feel we are dying because of this. I believe there is something wrong but I don't know what it is. She doesn't want to me to ask questions, I'm hurting both of us if I'm asking questions. I'm hurting both of us if I'm not asking questions. I've begin to doubt the truth of her answers but not because she wants to deceive but because maybe she's afraid of something even that she denies that. I'm so confused and hurt because the secret situation and can only wait and wait.


I could care less about if she's still occasionally seeing her "boyfriend" if there even is one as most of the the time she spends with me, she's spending days and sometimes nights with me. I'm sure sex feels good for both of us but it's just a very small part of our time and should not be the reason to be together. I've told her that I have to visit my country in the begin of next year and offered that she could take it as a holiday and come with me. I've made sure that being with me doesn't mean that she has to abandon her life and move to an another country.


I don't know what should I do and how should I continue. I still have few months time before I have to do plans for the next year. Without her I would go back to my country but for her I would come back here.


It's so early, we haven't been so long together, but I cannot make myself feel differently. We feel so happy together. No matter how naive I might be, I still keep believing there is a future for us but I don't know how to get over this.


Writing this down gives me some comfort and I think I'll let my girl to read your answers as well.

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Let me get this straight.


You havn't met her friends. You havn't seen where she lives. She probably has another boyfriend. She chops and changes regarding how she feels about you.


"She tells me everything except about her current life". And you're both nearly 30? And you hide your relationship from people near you (meaning friends, relatives etc I'm assuming)?


This is not healthy and it's not going to work. She doesn't have any intention of committing to you. She likes you, sure. But not that much.


She is definitely messing you around. Leave.

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No matter how much you want her, she is not the girl for you if you are only her backup plan and her second best.


This scenario with the 'secret' boyfriend has nothing in it for you. Perhaps she is in love with a married guy who can only see her infrequently so she fills her empty hours with you (as second best). Or she is married herself and they are living apart because she is working in your town (and you are second best). Or she is just a silly selfish girl who likes men chasing after her and you are still second best.


You have had more than enough time for her to decide you are someone she really wants, and she keeps choosing someone else. She may kill time with you, but run off with the other guy, or some new guy.


You need to expect more of her, not less. She needs to openly see you, and think you are the best, not second best. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling second best, and catering to her? What are you going to do if she show up pregnant, and you don't even know if it's your baby?


Have some self respect and forget about her. Break it off, and tell her you only want to hear from her again if she decides you are the only one for her. You could be waiting the rest of your life for this, and honestly, the most likely outcome is she will leave you for someone else eventually, this other guy or someone she likes enough to see as first best, not second best.

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I was expecting answers like that.


You all take myside but has anyone thought why she really is with me? If she really is with someone else I can understand a slip, one night, a week maybe a month but four month begins to be long time. I never thought I should wait this long to hear the answer. Many people foolishly say they love each other already at this point.


There are still something else behind this because she doesn't want to tell me more about this. She's not afraid I'll go and tell what we have done to anyone. And she has been honest with me from the beginning I just did not want to ask. It was not as we jumped right to bed ether.


Maybe her old boyfriend is not alive anymore or seriously injured in a hospital. Has anyone thought about that? She practically stops breathing if I begin to ask questions. Well I'm the second one but competing against a dead man or well someone not well enough to take care of her.


Maybe she's loving a man who doesn't want her. I'm second right now but will I always be? She will wake up someday (I hoped at least).


Maybe she ended a relationship before me and is still stuck in the golden memories. Yes I'm the second one again but will I always be?


Maybe she is lying. Maybe there is no other boyfriend maybe she is trying to leave me but for what reason to make up a story like that?. Maybe she's trying to protect herself against something? Maybe she's testing me somehow?


I left out all the negative maybes. Honestly I believe she's not doing this if there is no chance for us but it doesn't mean the answer would not be in the negative maybes. Anyway my time is running out, so soon there will be the final games to play with this secret. I will probably lose but I'll play for the chances.


Thank you all for your interest. I'll tell you what happens if I remember.

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Let me be blunt about this. If she is hiding ANYTHING about this other guy from you, and you are having to wonder who he is, what the circumstances are etc., then that is a huge red flag. That kind of secrecy is not appropriate in intimate relationships and a sign that you just can't trust her... it's that simple.


If it is something that stands a chance of being gotten over, then why not tell you the circumstances?


The circumstances that usually revolve around this level of secrecy are when the person is married (and hiding it) or perhaps she is a prostitute in another town and terrified her pimp will find out she has a European boyfriend and who will harm her . There are all kinds of possibilities, but that kind of secrecy is just not acceptable in an intimate relationship.


You have to ask yourself why you'd want to be with someone who wants to hide things from you? And what else will she be hiding in the future?

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  • 1 month later...

Hello again,


This is how my situation has eveloped and what I have discovered. It's always better to read what really happens not just the guesses so this is for the readers.


She's married, paper married, they got married to get a house, no wedding, no nothing (people do foolish things but it doesn't make them bad). Her friends doesn't know she's married, they have never had a ring or anything to show they are married. After two months living together in marriage they got separated because of verbal and physical violence and have been separated for two years now. She has seen him in this period but she's afraid of him, she can never forget it.


Before she told me about the marriage she cried and clearly and calmly told me that she loves me. I didn't return my love in words, I couldn't but I feel sad now because of that. I think I love her but it's not easy for me to say it, I don't care about the situations if I fall in love, I'm ready to face things as they are. I hope we have a future but I also have big problems to solve but these problems I've discussed with her long time ago. Love makes us do miracles and I hope our miracle will work. Wish us luck, we will need it too.

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Good luck, this is a rough trail you've started on. I hope everything turns out like you hope. Love always offer the feeling of hope, but you do have to be realistic. If she truly loves you she will divorce him to be with you, abandoning her life or not, she should at least abandon her feelings for her "paper husband". I do not know why she marries in the first place without any ceremony, because it just seems strange to an Asian (i'm asian too) It doesnt seem like its true unless she's a big city girl who doesnt have any traditional value whatsoever. But i do understand her confusion and her needs to hide things from you. You're a foreigner, Asians have certain attraction and fantasy for them and she's probably confused and scared if its just infatuation on her part.

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She's married, paper married, they got married to get a house, no wedding, no nothing (people do foolish things but it doesn't make them bad). Her friends doesn't know she's married, they have never had a ring or anything to show they are married. After two months living together in marriage they got separated because of verbal and physical violence and have been separated for two years now. She has seen him in this period but she's afraid of him, she can never forget it.


Love makes us do miracles and I hope our miracle will work. Wish us luck, we will need it too.


It sounds like she really fell for you but was a little worried about her paper marriage. Some people look down on marriages of convenience but they may not understand the circumstances and the personality of the convenient couple. It is understandable, she wasn't in a happy relationship, she met you and you were everything she did want, she let you know that there was someone else and sure you became "the backup plan" but to a marriage that wasn't quite what should have been. Perhaps now, after two years of seperation, the old husband will consider an official divorce so that those two can part ways and she can be with you and he can move on as well.


Good luck to you!

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  • 5 months later...

UPDATE (Period "09-06-2008 --- 21-02-2009")


Hi fellow prisoners of love,


It has been long to since my post, but I think it's good for people to read longer stories. Between this and my last post on 09-06-2008 it has happened a lot or in the other hand nothing.


I am still going out with my girl, got to know her better, met her sister and now planning for the future. She is still married and actually wants to stay married just to benefit a good passport if she keeps married for couple years more. I understand her thinking and that she want to get something out of the horrible marriage, but... I would like her to divorce of course! This drives me crazy but nothing I can do.


Now I tell you something that makes you think that I am a complete idiot again. I have been in Europe since the beginning of year 2009 and she is staying in Asia just an hour away from her husband. I don't trust people easily and I don't trust her in everything, I made it clear that I want know if she will have any contact with her husband. I think my will not happen but I trust she will not completely betray me. I am talking with her four times a week for hours at the time, more than I enough already. She is telling me things I want to hear, small words like making food for me when she will meet me again, crying out of how much she miss me, etc. These make me believe this is not just a game for her, I trust her intentions but not the situation where she is in.


I invited her to to come to Europe and she accepted my invitation. She will spend here with me at least couple months if everything goes well when applying visa. We have to be very careful about the visa process, as everyone should know it's not the easiest task, probably no need to lie directly Anyway I think it will be ok, but I am happy even if she try to get the visa.


I have my eyes and ears open all the time since I see the divorce paper but I am ready to stand on my head for the couple years more but relaxing is not possible. I am little bit afraid if I will change when she get a divorce, then I could relax.


I try to give you a post after few months again. In the mean time you can make a bet if I am ruining my life or not.


See yah!

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