On Auto pilot

[Marton04]

Hi all,

 

I'm going to apologize first up because I'll be ranting alot!!

 

Writing on this forum is a new and strange concept for me but I guess because I've never experience such pain before. My ex broke up with me 4 days ago and I am completely devastated!! I had a boyfriend 4 days ago and now I have nothing and it was so out of the blue (for me anyway). We had a small fight which snowballed into something bigger - how he doesn't feel there's passion in our relationship anymore (we had been together 2 years and we hadn't been intimate in probably about 3 or so weeks but that's due to a medical thing I had going so it wasn't like I didn't want to..

 

But anyway.. never in my wildest dreams did I think he would break up with (AGAIN!). Yes, this has happened before - see the thing is, he's younger than me - I'm 32, he's 26 (yes, he's younger but not a teenager!!) Anyway, we are 2 different people, he likes to go out to the bars, i'm more of a homebody and we've had issues with it in the past but I thought we were working on that - you see.. in the past, he used to drink alot and get blind drunk, ignore me and go off with his friends when I went out with him. He realized he had a problem and has been drinking lighter beers and been pretty good. thereforee we were going to start introducing me to going out with him again so we could both have a good time, even though I don't drink. I think for me, that's a hard thing - I feel like a social outcast these days because I don't drink which I shouldn't feel but it's what people do these days - go to bars and drink and he said he didn't want me doing it just for him - he wanted me to want to do it. He compared us to his mum and dad who are divorced and one of the reasons being was because she was a homebody and his dad likes to go out and he said we were going to end up like them.

 

Anyway, he said that we don't have anything in common because of that and pretty much said his heart wasn't in the relationship anymore. That's news to me since that night, i went out with his family for dinner, we just came back from a trip to the US and it was fantastic - no fights, came back saying we were stronger than ever! And yeah so he said he was fooling himself and me into believing those things!! It hurts so much.

 

He says he loves me, that i'm a beautiful person and misses me greatly but can't be in a relationship with me anymore, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore (that one killed me) and yeah, when this happened last time, he said "give me time and space" but this time he said time and space won't help and he has never before said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me or wasn't in love with me anymore!

 

A month ago was our 2 year anniversary and he wrote things in the card like "i know we have our differences but i know i want to spend the rest of my life with you - i'm so in love with you etc etc" - I asked him what if he was lying when he said he wrote those things and he said he wanted to believe them and that his feelings changed in a month - is that possible??

 

His personality is that he is a big sh*t talker - lots of words, beautiful words for me to believe but in the end, they were all fake. And no actions to match the words.

 

Everyone keeps telling me he just doesn't know what he wants but I thought he wanted me. I had no idea that he was feeling these things - he would one day say he wanted to marry me and want me to have his kids and then he'll retract a few weeks later ... he pretty much has messed with my mind.

 

I've made him out to sound terrible but he was a sweet guy and I loved him (too much) and I thought he was going to be the one. And the sad thing is... i wouldn't be strong enough to say no if he wanted to come back (which i highly doubt).

 

Being at work helps but then again, we used to email all the time and it's sooooo.. hard trying to refrain from emailing. Today I rang his work twice and then hung up on him - couldn't help myself. The nights are worst - i try and go to sleep as late as possible so i don't lie there thinking - my mind is my worse enemy.

 

I was madly in love with this guy and I'm not a perfect person - i have my many flaws and many of them, I realize now - that I tried to change him (i know.. .a big no no in a relationship) and i guess I wanted the male version of myself - if i bought him a present, i expected one in return, if i'm lovey dovey towards him, i expect that in return too - all those things i realize about myself but it's too late now.

 

I just feel like i don't have closure or anything right now because he pretty much made up his mind and then left me hanging. I want so much to say plenty to him and people say give it a few weeks but I don't want to hope. I did hope and then he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

 

I'm finding it so hard to cope - especially when you've done everything with them for the last 2 years - going to the gym, supermarkets - it makes me sad because I picture him there all the time!

 

I know everyone's been saying to me - it gets better with time, you'll be stronger in the end, just keep yourself occupied but that's my problem - i'm finding too much time on my hands and not much to fill it in. I've been ringing up everyone and the sucky thing is, I have to organize my weekends during the week - i used to love weekends, now I detest them and want to go back to work - so sad.

 

When I was with him, i pretty much didn't have a life outside from him. I would occasionally go out with my friends but i don't have the one g/f who I could rely on to go out whenever. I would always have to plan things whereas his friends were always available for a drink with him. I think if i had a close g/f or 2, I wouldn't have relied on him so much and now he's gone, i don't know what to do with myself!

 

Anyway, that's my MASSIVE rant - i just needed to get it out. If anyone has thoughts or whatever, please feel free...

[sadbunny]

OH MY GOD!!! That is freaky that sounds exactly like me, i was dumped 2 weeks ago, im not a drinker although in the last 2 weeks i have been, my ex was, he discussed marriage and how i was the one and how much he loved me and then he told me he didn't love me and doesn't want contact with me, i felt as though my whole life fell apart still do, I had to cancel my gym membership that I had with him, when i wake up in the morning i feel alone and last thing at night, walking round the supermarket is horrible, things are slowly getting easier for me but its a hard blow to come to terms with.

 

Oh I hate weekends too!

 

I don't know what to do with myself, alot of my friends aren't true, so have found myself alone and no life as i made him mine. I know exactly what you are going through and its not a nice feeling at all.

 

xx

[Marton04]

Going on these forums is helping me see alot of people going through the same emotions as you - it's still not easier but maybe a little comforting.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation too Sadbunny - ours sound very similar! I've been reading that everyone is saying not to contact him and that it will make them miss you more so I'm trying REALLY hard to do that. I keep thinking, does he miss me, is he thinking about me, I hope he's miserable without me - i hope so but you don't know.

 

I msged his sister before to ask how he was and she said he seems to be ok - that makes me sadder. I was hoping she'd say something like "he's miserable without you" etc etc.. I should stop txting his sister I think. If I know he's ok with it, then I'll be even sadder.

 

I wish I could say "F.. him" and be done with it but when you have invested your whole self to the one person, it's so hard to let go.

 

Just that EVERYTHING reminds me of him - the gym, supermarkets, my bedroom, my bathroom, EVERYTHING!! How do you erase them from your mind?

[sadbunny]

You don't erase them, you have to confront them, if it means crying, screaming and whatever else do it, change things around make it about you again. I really know that feeling but you really shouldn't message his family, i held on to hope for two weeks thinking that it would be ok and it wasn't, accept it over and try to move on once you find you are rebuilding your life things will be easier, im not saying this will happen overnight because it doesn't but when you move on things tend to come to you.

 

Use the people you have to try and make it go away just don't go over the same thing over and over again because you only end up punishing yourself, i only say that because im still carrying the bruises from a self beating but its done, situation out of my control and the situation is out of your control all you can do is take control of you and your life! Easier said than done i know. I'm alway here if you need to talk, but after this message I'm sure you wont want to.

 

Please don't dwell too much as the pain will get worse for you, be good to yourself! YOU DESERVE IT!!!

 

xx

[Marton04]

Why would I not want to talk after your message? I need to talk it out so much - I think I'm annoying my friends about it!

 

I won't msg his sister again - when i spoke to him on the Sat - i pretty much rang everyone - my friends, his family, his friend.. i dunno why - maybe i guess for them to say "why would he break up with someone like you".. i know i'm truly delusional!

 

Pretty much he's done this before to the g/f before me but i thought i was different because he said he didn't love her or anything - but then again, were they all words he spoke to me?

 

I don't cry anymore - just a dull numbing pain. Like I said, just going through the motions now, wake up, get ready, go to work etc....

 

Has your ex contacted you? I guess you were hoping he would too??

[Dr]

My word yes it is massive. Normally I break things like that down quote by quote and respond to bits individually. I don't even think I've got time for this thread....

 

Just kiddin, but I'll have to analyze this one again later.

[Marton04]

LOL.. sorry.. i tried to do a short version of it but when you start you can't stop and there's so many things that you keep forgetting!

[sadbunny]

Nope he hasn't contacted me and i know he wont he made that quite clear so im not gonna waste my time, my love etc etc on somebody that doesn't want it, i'm having issues at the moment but im not going to chase him, he'll think im a nutter!!!

 

Try and stay away from the contact thing it will be better for you. Where are you from?

 

xx

[Dr]

LOL.. sorry.. i tried to do a short version of it but when you start you can't stop and there's so many things that you keep forgetting!

 

Lol no worries.

 

I think I'm done going through the new posts now... I'll re-read yours and reply shortly.

[Marton04]

Sadbunny, i'm from Australia. I'm Asian and my ex is Aussie so there's the culture differences also - his upbringing was so different to mine. I was pretty much sheltered and never did the drugs or drinking thing but he's experienced all of that (not now) but when he was younger. And the Aussies are brought up on the whole drinking thing which is why it's so natural for them to go out and drink all the time! As a non-drinker, I find going to bars so boring.. you pretty much have to scream to have a conversation, people getting drunk around you and then to go to another 5 or so bars and do exactly the same... I really don't understand the fun in that!

[Dr]

@Marton

 

I apologise that you've lost the benefit of my in depth lengthy analysis but thats because the forum operators have been a bit silly with their setup (It logged me out automatically while I was writing me very long intensive reply)

 

In short, your man has found another woman, done the dirty on you and you've suffered.

 

I quoted and pointed out every single important point from your original post which meant something and in truth, i wrote the longest reply I've ever written on this site. Its now lost and consigned to history.

 

Oh crap I better hit submit quick..

[Marton04]

Hi Dr,

 

I was looking forward to your in depth analyzing of my situation - i'm sorry the forum logged you out while you were in the middle of it.

 

Why did you think he has found someone else? It's made me even more depressed thinking about that. I actually tend to think it's him as a person - that he's not ready for the things needed in a relationship, the commitment, the dedication when he doesn't know what he wants in life.

 

I asked his sister if she thinks its someone else and she told me she doesn't and plus he was with me nearly all the time so he wouldn't have time to find someone else...

 

I dunno.. i'm just confused now and trying hard to do the NC thing.

[Pappers]

I'm sure he was conflicted for awhile (anniversary card), but seems like it boils down to taking the next step. Seems like you guys were at the point where another level of commitment was right... and he just wasn't ready for it. Nothing more than that.

 

If there is a silver lining, then thank god you are not wasting any more of your time with someoen not willing to take the next step. Even if the relationship went on for another year, it was likely to end since doubts are there right now. So count your lucky stars he has done this now while you are a catch at 32, rather than a woman with more pressure on her (marriage, available men, kids) of 38, which - I hate to say it but it's true - is more complicated.

 

Men at 26 very rarely get married. It sounds to me he just wasn't ready to settle down.

 

Look at your priorities. Do you want to get married? Do you want children? Do you want a commitment? Why were you attracted to someone 6 years younger? This is the perfect time to evaluate what you want, what mistakes you may have made, and where you want to go.

 

Hopefully you will find closure sometime soon ('the after break-up talk'). If it was just 4 days ago, then this is undoubetedly a very hard place to be.

 

If any advice is useful to you for thinking about a future partner (this may be too soon to think about), is that you should date older men. Someone of your age, or older... not younger. They are more ready for a commitment than a young guy, who is still sowing oats.

 

You sound like a very beautiful person inside and out. I hope you are able to move on quickly and find a loving man!! (and a better you!)

[Pappers]

I that he's not ready for the things needed in a relationship, the commitment, the dedication when he doesn't know what he wants in life.

 

 

Bingo! It's him. Don't take it personally. He is not ready to settle down whoever he is with right now.

[Pappers]

oops.. didn't mean to imply that he was with someone else. Just that he is not ready to have a serious relationship with anyone right now. Your poor heart is the one that happens to have been there! k enough posting.. good luck x

[Marton04]

Pappers - i think everything you mentioned is right, everyone has been saying the same thing to me. However in regards to the age question - I don't know. I don't go out seeking younger guys than me, they just happen to be the ones I'm attracted to and those "bad boy" types. sigh...

[Dr]

A month ago was our 2 year anniversary and he wrote things in the card like "i know we have our differences but i know i want to spend the rest of my life with you - i'm so in love with you etc etc" - I asked him what if he was lying when he said he wrote those things and he said he wanted to believe them and that his feelings changed in a month - is that possible??

 

This is what specifically suggests he has gone elsewhere.

 

Oh.. and forget the bad boy types, they don't change. They continue to be bad. If you want a long lasting relationship you have to go for the nicer guy.

[Dr]

Working on a reply in notepad... re working all of yesterdays work....

[Marton04]

thanks Dr... i'm feeling kind of pissed right now - still sad but pissed. Doing this NC thing.. i was i guess a bit hopeful that he would later down the track contact me but yesterday i thought to myself that I just didn't think he would being the selfish, stubborn, proud idiot that he is. He is a coward for doing what he did - i haven't really received an apology or anything - pretty much he's said a few "i'm sorrys, i have to do this.. it pains me to do this" blah blah blah.. and now has wiped his hands clean of me! So easy for him to throw 2 years away to leave me picking up the pieces!! He doesn't want to see how much he's hurt me or feel guilty for doing what he did. He pretty much thinks he did the right thing by me - whatever!!

[Dr]

Incoming.... (This is massive):

 

I'm going to apologize first up because I'll be ranting alot!!

Hmm..

Writing on this forum is a new and strange concept for me

 

No worries. We have no idea who you are, where you live etc. This is all annonymous. Thats why I'm here

We had a small fight which snowballed into something bigger

Quick question - Who was responsible for it snowballing? - Him? Did you try to calm the situation? (I'm guessing you did but

I have a theory which will be explained)

- how he doesn't feel there's passion in our relationship anymore (we had been together 2 years and we hadn't been

intimate in probably about 3 or so weeks but that's due to a medical thing I had going so it wasn't like I didn't want

to..

So whats the problem? - Me and my GF frequently go without sex due to work, tiredness etc. Many couples do but I wouldn't use

it as an excuse to say "theres no passion". It's bull. You've done nothing wrong. I'll give you a tip though - Oral or

handywork is always good

But anyway.. never in my wildest dreams did I think he would break up with (AGAIN!). Yes, this has happened

before

Remember this bit as its part of my theory..

see the thing is, he's younger than me - I'm 32, he's 26 (yes, he's younger but not a teenager!!)

Tip: Younger men will notice their older woman getting older. Some men don't care but others will start to panic that they're

wasting their life etc. Its a design fault with the male side of the human race.

Anyway, we are 2 different people

Nothing wrong with that, my GF and I have almost nothing in common but it works...

he likes to go out to the bars, i'm more of a homebody and we've had issues with it in the past but I thought

we were working on that

Who's had issues with it in the past? - You, him or both? - I'm suspecting him. Read on..

you see.. in the past, he used to drink alot and get blind drunk, ignore me and go off with his friends

when I went out with him.

He has treated you like baggage. He wants you but when out together I suspect he feels embarrassed that hes with an older

woman. Nothing that you've done wrong, this is a fault with him not knowing what he really wants and not being comfortable

with his present situation.

He realized he had a problem and has been drinking lighter beers and been pretty good.

Not really. So he's gone light weight. Point is he was still drinking and wanted to drink. When I met Mrs Dr (or should I say

Mrs Dr to be) I used to drink heavily too. She made it clear she didn't like it and so I stopped - just like that (much to

the amazement of all those who claimed I was an alcoholic). My woman was far more important than drinking.

If he thought that much of you he would of done the same. Clearly while he might of made 70-80% effort, he hasn't made

95-100%.

thereforee we were going to start introducing me to going out with him again so we could both have a good

time,

Were going to? - I take it that it never actually started/happened then..

even though I don't drink.

I know I'm going to cover this again with the next line or two but not drinking isn't a problem. Don't let it be one.

I think for me, that's a hard thing - I feel like a social outcast these days because I don't drink

Hang on, YOU feel like a social outcast? - What about drinkers? - They have to go to a bar to find other people because they

feel outcasted from those that don't drink! Let me tell you something, going to a bar doesn't mean you need to drink alochol.

I rarely go to bars but when I do I never touch the stuff. Never.

which I shouldn't feel

Exactly! So why are you? - Because you've got no confidence in yourself around others unless you drink. You don't want to

stand out from the crowd and so you'd rather avoid the crowd rather than try to fit in (I'll explain this further down).

but it's what people do these days - go to bars and drink

tea, coffee, coke, lemonade, orange juice, water...

You need to remember the art of confidence here (I can't spell psychology.. I don't think lol):

You have a coke, someone asks what you're drinking right? Tell them its Vodka & Coke. No-one will know and you'll fit in far

easier because people will genuinely believe it. Theres no reason not to! The same can be used with lemonade too.

You notice everyones drinks are getting low and someone is going to go and get the next round of drinks - There are 2 instant

practical ways I can think of to get around this:

1) You make your drink last longer "No thanks I've still got this one". Then grab another by yourself later without any

alcohol. Alternatively drink faster and grab your own drink again.. like above.

2) Buy the round of drinks. That way you still get your non alcoholic drink and no-one knows the difference.

 

Of course you can always say you're driving too

and he said he didn't want me doing it just for him - he wanted me to want to do it.

In other words he wants you to do it, but doesn't want to feel guilty or force you to do it, so he wants you to say you want

to do it so he doesn't need to accept the responsibility.

He compared us to his mum and dad who are divorced and one of the reasons being was because she was a homebody and his

dad likes to go out and he said we were going to end up like them.

1) You're not his mother.

2) His father sounds like a fool.

3) He has to find his own way in life - Not use methods for life which worked for them.

This is the 21st century. Not the 1950's. Doesn't he have a real hobby apart from drinking?

The thing is, his parents split for that reason. He sees that as perfectly acceptable. Instinctively we believe that our

parents are right about most things from an early age - because they're our parents. thereforee he sees no problem with not

changing HIS ways.

Infact there is a lesson to be learned for him from his own parents. If HE doesn't change HIS ways he's going to be the one

who doesn't last long with any woman.

One last additional point here, he can't accept you for who you are. So you like being at home - so what? Personally I can

think of nothing better than a good night in with the computer and keyboard, forums, a bit of programming etc. My GF is the

opposite. She'd much prefer to be out partying etc (I'm the shy type) but she's got used to me. We've both made changes to

make our relationship work (I gave up drinking, she stopped smoking etc). We both wanted to be involved and went the extra

mile. I did make it quite clear though that I'm not much of a party person though and she has learned to accept that. Thats

what people who want to make an effort do: They ACCEPT things. If your man couldn't accept that you are a homely person then

is he really right for you?

 

Anyway, he said that we don't have anything in common because of that and pretty much said his heart wasn't in the

relationship anymore.

Coward through and through. So you don't like to go out drinking with him when he ignores you etc. Hardly suprising is it? -

He doesn't sound like a lot of fun to go out with as a partner. What a looser.

He's using the "nothing in common" thing as an excuse. As mentioned above, I have virtually nothing in common with my partner

and we're in our 4th year.

That's news to me since that night, i went out with his family for dinner, we just came back from a trip to the US

and it was fantastic - no fights, came back saying we were stronger than ever!

 

Snap. We go away, you become close again. Sex becomes better and you realise how much you do actually think of each other.

Then you go home, eyes start looking at those people you see regularly who are attractive etc..

And yeah so he said he was fooling himself and me into believing those things!! It hurts so much.

This chap shows all the signs of trying to find a way out in order to pursue a younger life style and another woman. He's

tried t split with you in the past, thought about it, decided he'd be better with you, got back together, thought about it

some more, decided he does want to split after all...

He's probably had his eyes on the next woman for a while.

 

He says he loves me, that i'm a beautiful person and misses me greatly

but..

but can't be in a relationship with me anymore,

Because he's been wanting out for a while. Remember it isn't you thats done wrong here, its him. He has a deep down

insecurity about the age thing and has probably found himself another woman who is younger.

but this time he said time and space won't help and he has never before said he didn't want to be in a relationship

with me or wasn't in love with me anymore!

He doesn't want to get back together. This guy has wasted years of your life. Move on.

A month ago was our 2 year anniversary and he wrote things in the card like "i know we have our differences but i know

i want to spend the rest of my life with you - i'm so in love with you etc etc" - I asked him what if he was lying when he

said he wrote those things and he said he wanted to believe them and that his feelings changed in a month - is that

possible??

As I said previously I'm certain he's found another woman.

 

His personality is that he is a big sh*t talker - lots of words, beautiful words for me to believe but in the end,

they were all fake. And no actions to match the words.

I'm always cautious of people like this - They're great for just 2 things - Politicians or Salesmen.

Do you really want to be with someone like that?

Everyone keeps telling me he just doesn't know what he wants but I thought he wanted me.

He did... once.

I had no idea that he was feeling these things - he would one day say he wanted to marry me and want me to have his

kids and then he'll retract a few weeks later ... he pretty much has messed with my mind.

He was trying to convince both you and himself. Then hes decided otherwise.

I've made him out to sound terrible

You've done nothing to convince me he's terrible. He has done that himself.

i wouldn't be strong enough to say no if he wanted to come back (which i highly doubt).

I doubt it too. Just in case however you need to decide if this guy is good for your health. You yourself say he has mess

with your head, do you REALLY need that AGAIN?

Being at work helps but then again, we used to email all the time and it's sooooo.. hard trying to refrain from

emailing.

I advise couples don't do emails to each other at work. It becomes habit forming. Only CC or BCC things that you need

witnessed. Emails at work that are personal simply bring up unwanted feelings later when things go wrong and you see all

their old emails etc..

Today I rang his work twice and then hung up on him - couldn't help myself.

But you must help yourself. Leave this guy alone. He's broken down your defences, confidence and self esteem. Now he's got

you chasing after him. If you saw this happening to your best friend would you allow it to continue?

The nights are worst - i try and go to sleep as late as possible so i don't lie there thinking - my mind is my worse

enemy.

It is also your best friend. If you really want this guy out of your life (which I heavily suggest is the best way forward for

you) you're gonna have to do something you'll hate me suggesting:

Only remember the bad memories. It becomes far easier to let go of someone when all you remember is the bad things they've

done to you.

I realize now - that I tried to change him (i know.. .a big no no in a relationship)

Really? It sounds to me more like he's tried changing you - in a big way.

Trying to change something isn't always a no no. It can be good and can (depending on the people) help people to change

themselves for the better of a relationship. These are normally though smaller changes. Not big ones. However as I said

waaaaaaaaaay up a few miles above, it depends how much you BOTH want the relationship to succeed.

I was determined I would do everything I could to keep my woman happy - I gave up very heavy drinking instantly and never

touched the stuff since (along with many other changes). Likewise she made many changes - including not wanting it all her

own way and learning to negotiate with me instead (she was rather... forceful sometimes).

People will change if they want to be changed. If they don't there isn't much you can do. If they're that determined not to

then you have to question whether that person is right for you.

i guess I wanted the male version of myself - if i bought him a present, i expected one in return, if i'm lovey dovey

towards him, i expect that in return too - all those things i realize about myself but it's too late now.

But we're all different - Thats what makes us all unique and attracts us to others right? If you wanted a male 'you' then you

don't want to be having a relationship with someone a different age for a start... or a BAD BOY!

Its common knowledge that for some reason women always like the 'bad boy' and then get hurt, and cry that they couldn't

change him etc etc. You've now suffered the same way. Is it really logical to want someone like that?

 

I did hope and then he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

That IS closure.

I'm finding it so hard to cope - especially when you've done everything with them for the last 2 years - going to the

gym, supermarkets - it makes me sad because I picture him there all the time!

Go elsewhere with other people. Hard, brutal, effective.

I know everyone's been saying to me - it gets better with time, you'll be stronger in the end, just keep yourself

occupied but that's my problem - i'm finding too much time on my hands and not much to fill it in. I've been ringing up

everyone and the sucky thing is, I have to organize my weekends during the week - i used to love weekends, now I detest them

and want to go back to work - so sad.

Sad maybe, way forward definitely. Sometimes it is best to bury yourself in work for a while which will temporarily distract

you. You'll also earn extra money working over time and maybe even get closer with some of your colleagues enough that you'll

have new friends. Everyone finds this works differently for them. Some hate going back to work when they're down, others find

it the path to progress. You won't know until you try.

When I was with him, i pretty much didn't have a life outside from him. I would occasionally go out with my friends

but i don't have the one g/f who I could rely on to go out whenever. I would always have to plan things whereas his friends

were always available for a drink with him. I think if i had a close g/f or 2, I wouldn't have relied on him so much and now

he's gone, i don't know what to do with myself!

You let him become the centre of your world. You always need friends even when you're in a relationship. Always. Ring up your

friends, arrange to meet up with them. Go out, work on those friendships and get close to your friends again. Friends are

always the people you turn to when your in need or in a crisis.

 

Anyway, that's my MASSIVE rant - i just needed to get it out. If anyone has thoughts or whatever, please feel free...

Yes it certainly was massive! After loosing the first reply I wasn't going to bother again but your thread (and your

personality) seemed to deserve a 2nd chance. I can only apologise its taken me a few more days to get back to you - I've been

writing bits over the last few days having it all saved in a notepad file on my desktop.

What you need to remember is you've done nothing wrong here. This man has in all honesty taken you for a ride, treated you

like dirt, used you and done a runner. I just hope he didn't do anything else - borrow money, use you etc.

Take care, any more Questions I'll try to help.

 

EDIT: My apologies for the spelling mistakes... and also the way this forum has formatted my lines all over the place! This reply is huge and would be a nightmare to try to correct (though its only about 1/3 of my original reply)

[Dr]

Marton, I think I've summed up everything you've said above in my huge reply to be honest but I will say something - You've hit the nail on the head calling him a coward because yes, he is.

 

He's taken the cheap and easy way out and left you to deal with it. To me this man has been emotionally seperating himself from you for a while. You know my theory as to why so I won't go into depth on that again as it will only make you feel worse.

 

You need to realise what he has done to you. He's treated you like dirt. You know it, he knows it, I know it and so do all the other people who have read this topic. You need to move on and my best advice for that (as stated above) is to remember the bad memories of him. It makes it far easier for you to convince yourself that you're better off without him. I know its not nice but I've done it in slightly different circumstances and it does help... not much to start with but a lot as time goes by.

 

It's 1:40am here now so I'm gonna head for bed. I hope when you get back here and read my replies they help you to see the light.

 

Take care

 

Dr

[Marton04]

I want to thank you sooo much for taking the time to even reply to my massive email and I'm sorry that you lost it the first time. You didn't have to go into as much detail that you did (but I really do thank you for disecting my words).

I have to remember to stay strong, to know that I am not a bad person, to know that whoever wants to be with me is the lucky one because I am one great girlfriend when you get me and I do know I deserve so much better. I just have to now keep repeating this to myself to make myself believe it because as I have said words don't mean anything if there is no action involved - even for myself

 

Thank you very much again x

[journogirl]

marton make sure you look after yourself now

think of all the time and love and everything you invested in this man..its time to give that back to YOURSELF

 

im in the same position

i hope we can help eachother

 

big hugs xxx

[Marton04]

I'm having a bad moment now Journogirl. I guess because of what Dr said, I started getting paranoid that the break up was due to a girl and not him. So I stupidly txted his mother to ask and she said that she doesn't think so - that's not the vibe she was getting but that he feels "bad" about the situation and feels horrible for hurting me. And then that he will move on and she hopes I do too. He also told her he doesn't think he'll be ready to settle down until he's in his mid 30's. This infuriated me so much and I told her exactly how i was feeling - wanted her to see her son for what he did and who he is. That his actions was the cruelest thing anyone has ever done for me - especially someone that "loved" me. That I didn't want to know that he will move on from me because then that makes me something that he filled in his time with and that I was just a toy for him to play with and that one day when I have strength, I will let him know somehow just how much this has hurt and affected me and how I can't forgive him for what he did for a LONG time and how he has made me a bitter and untrusting person now. I know I sooo shouldn't have txted her because it was like txting him - lesson learnt and back to square one again because I pretty much cried from that and feeling crap now. I wanted so badly to then call him to tell him all this to his face because that, I guess was the final straw for me, for his mum to say that he will move on from me and that he won't be ready until another 10 years. Why am I mourning him if he has already moved on from me? Why????

 

I really hope we can help each other too because we're both going to need the support as much as we can. One minute I think I'm fine and then I crash and burn the next

[journogirl]

best not to dwell on contacting his mother-you know you shouldnt have done but what is done is done now

 

i emailed my ex's mother but with a very final email saying thankyou for all you have done for me and i hope you have a hapy future-it is sad that we didnt work out and i will miss you

 

she replied with a similar email-u must get closure now

 

maybe email her and apologise and say u wish her well then DRAW A LINE under this and start NC again

 

it is true that one minuet you can feel calmer and the next overwhelmed by grief but that is just the waves of grief-u must feel and experience all of this to be able to move to the next stage

 

i hope we get there soon

 

xxx