Mytch2112 Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 A couple things to say before you read this: this isn't in the suicide section because at the moment I'm not considering it. This post is going to be very, very long. I've had depression for a couple years now. But it's never been severe, only to the point where I'm like, "I'm depressed.. whatever." I've never thought too much of it. But recently I've been getting very scared. To start off I'll give you a bit of information about myself. I'm 17, male, and have no real reason to be depressed. I'm good looking, middle class, parents let me do whatever the **** I want, have a girlfriend(not going too well though), have a part time job, I'm in a band, I'm not a loser(as far as popularity goes, heh), I'm going to college in September for Policing - I don't understand why I'm depressed. When I was in elementary school I was the class clown, one of the most popular kids in school, I was loud, immature, outgoing. Through middleschool though, I went to a smaller group of friends but I was just as loud and outgoing as I'd ever been. But now I'm graduated out of highschool and I'm quiet, insecure, paranoid, emotionless and pacing back and forth in my livingroom crying over nothing. My girlfriend is only half the reason I want to take that 5 minute bikeride to the mountainside and go for a little spill. She cheers me up.. all the time. Just by the touch of her hand, or the sound of her voice. So, without her I'd probably be this depressed anyway. But with her upset at me there's nothing holding back my feelings of depression now. The past week hasn't exactly been the best week for us. I'm depressed. I'm paranoid. She's always been all into me.. begging for sex, reaching for my hand, giving me random hugs/kisses when we're cooking dinner. But the past 2 weeks she hasn't been doing that as much. So my little paranoia got to me. Nightly for the past week, I'd ask her, "What's wrong? Do you still love me? Is everything ok?". Everything was ok, I'm just retarded.. and I knew it... but the next night I'd be asking the same stupid ****. She was obviously getting sick of it, and I knew she was too. So I sat down in my room a few nights ago and thought hard. I came to the conclusion... What - the - **** was I doing? I had no reason to get that worked up over her not reaching for my hand, or giving me a random kiss. I knew she loved me, I just expected more. So I apologized.. I let her know how dumb I felt and how I didn't mean to be like that. She said it was fine and not to worry. But we hung out on saturday and I knew it wasn't fine. I phoned her tonight and what she had to say was that the past week I've been way too clingy and paranoid. I apologized to her a couple days earlier but I should've locked myself in my room a few months earlier. I was too late in doing that, now she actually doesn't know if she wants to be with me - that's not just my paranoia speaking this time. I'm really scared because 3 months ago I would never, EVER think about killing myself. But now I think about it every night. I don't know how much my depression will escalate.. will I go through with it? I don't want it to go that far. I wouldn't say that it's the fact my girlfriend might break up with me that is causing me to think about suicide. I think my girlfriend is just a temporary cure for my depression and I'd feel this way if I never met her. But I don't know, I'm not a psychologist. A little random (but meaningful) one of the things helping me is this helpful line from Tupac, "I once contemplated suicide. I woulda tried but when I held that 9, all I could see was my mommas eyes." I don't know much, all I know is there's something wrong with me. I'm not this kind of person. Link to comment
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