Gotta love facebook

[mrmaximum]

I guess I'm just venting but I appreciate any feedback this thread generates. Here's the sitch; just had the eldest of my exes's kids contact me after about 7 years. It was quite the experience let me tell you as he is a man now and no longer a child at 21. Very awkward and full of a mix of emotions but I did reply to him and relate my current sitch. I'm married now with two kids (step of course) of my own. Talked to my wife and she is all good with me speaking to him and all that. I was just worried about what I do at this point. Do I be a friend, do I try to be a father figure, I mean, when I met his mom I was literally a year older than he is now. I was just a kid and idealistic and very naive which did indeed affect the situation. Just got a revelation that rocked my world. I found out that his younger sis is now a single mom and she isn't out of highschool yet!! I was terrified that this was going to happen when I was with her mom and now my worst fears have been realized. I know that they are really no longer my responsibility, but I feel like I have failed her in some way because I couldn't be there for her as an example.

 

Thanks for letting me vent, I appreciate the opportunity to do so. I only talk to the eldest at this point and although the others are on facebook, we've made no moves to communicate to each other or even add each other as friends. Kinda wondering what I should do at this point.

[Samedy]

Did he say what he wanted from you? Or did he give you an impression? How old was he when you were with his mother, and what kind of relationship did you two form during that time?

 

I would say strive to be more a mentor to him than a father.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think that so long as your current wife is comfortable this person is reaching out to you. You obviously made an impression that he wanted to look you up years later. I think that you should reciprocate contact as long as he isn't negative and whatever your personal feelings are about their mother you need to keep them to yourself... even if he is the one complaining... listen but never bad mouth their mother to them... you only get one mom wether good or bad...

 

I think you should be touched that after all this time he would like some type of contact with you... shows that you were a stand up guy...

 

good luck!

[mrmaximum]

Well, looks like my ex's daugther wants to speak to me now. I'm at a bit of a loss. I ran into her ironically enough buying a coffee for my wife before I came home from my second job. We both recognized each other but I guess where afraid to say somehting about it. Sure enough, I jumped on facebook and she had requested me as a friend. Two days later, the elder one who had added me when this thread started had called me, but she was also with him at the time.

 

Not sure what to do, in fact, I'm a little upset at the whole thing. I spoke to the oldest just yesterday, and was greatly saddened by the news I heard. My ex had been incarcerated and just got released this month. She had tried to make some 'quick money' and the plan went to heck. Apparently she had been arrested some 2 years ago for something which I do not know. Her eldest son has never lied to me about what has transpired in their lives, good or bad. Is this a plan simply to get my sympathy, there is a possibility, but I highly doubt it.

 

I'm just very sorry for these poor kids. Heck, it isn't as if the two that I'm in charge of now are all well and clear. DSD15 has ADHD and ODD and can be a handful at times, but at least DSS12 is easy to handle. Man, 5 kid looking up to me and none of them are biologically mine, even I have to laugh at the strangeness of the whole situation.

 

My wife said today that if they are approaching me to talk, then I cannot turn my back. When I met my exe's daughter, she pointedly asked me why I left. I wasn't a star, to be sure, but I had to leave for me as my ex wasn't treating me they way that I knew I deserved. I see the same questions in her that DSD15 had a few years ago when her own father didn't really speak to her.

 

My ex's daughter wants answers, she wants to know why I left. How can I tell her the truth without running down her mom? All I can say is that this whole situation sucks!! Make no mistake, cheating affects everyone, whether it was you who stepped out, or someone else. I still felt like warmed over crap looking at my exes daughter and I wasn't even the one who stepped out!!

 

 

Do yourself a favour, if you have kids, or are assisiting in raising them, DO NOT CHEAT, NO MATTER WHAT. Whatever reason, whatever justification, trust me, it isn't good enough!!!

[JeckyllNHyde]

Oh boy!

 

I'd just treat them as a friend, maybe somewhat of a mentor. Not really a father figure since you don't really want to come in TOO close contact with the mom.

 

I'm sure you don't plan on telling her why you ended things with the mom? I think some things are best left unsaid so as not to cause any problems between them at home.

[spinstermanquee]

max, re the questions: i would just answer to the effect of, "it was private between your mother and me," "that was our personal business and i'm not at liberty to say," "that's ancient history and doesn't impact now," etc.

[mrmaximum]

At least I have a better idea of what to say when the question comes up, which I do know that it will. It seems that my ex's daughter (I'll call her TM) was under the impression that I simply left and wondered why I didn't come back. I have a lot of explaining to do apparently and she has wanted to ask me these questions for a while from the looks of it. I'm also afraid that any relationship I start up with the kids may mean I have to contact my ex from time to time. I'm afraid that she may try to manipulate me into giving her some sort of financial assistance. I've discussed this with my wife and she is well aware of the situation, but says to keep contact with the kids anway. I do not want to do anything which could jeapordize my marriage, or my family, but I can't turn my back on these kids.

 

Thanks again for the responses.

[mrmaximum]

Well, my wife mentioned this and now I have to wonder if there isn't any credence to her opinion. She has been right so far about people. I've noticed that the calls from the eldest has somewhat tapered off. She thinks it's because he called thinking that I would help getting her mother from one side of Canada to the other since her release from jail. She is no longer my problem and I refuse to assist financially and take money away from my main priority, my wife and her kids.

 

She thinks it was a shot in the dark from him as I was 'stand up' during the time I was with her. I would be lying if I said I didn't consider it, but as I stated, not my place to assist now and hasn't been for quite some time. I call him, he talks to me, I haven't seen his younger sister for about two weeks (I am avoiding the place where she works as I don't know what else to tell her about the past).

 

Well ENA, what do you consider? Any responses would be appreciated.

 

Thanks again

[spinstermanquee]

I think you married a smart, wise, unselfish, compassionate, and levelheaded woman.

 

I agree that you cannot blame him for reaching out - as he probably sees you as a person with their act together. Just now, his mom has to get hers together without you. It's okay to be in touch with them (the kids only) for moral support but she is no longer on your problem radar, as you've stated.

 

Congrats on your happy current situation