I am SO EMBARRASSED and AN IDIOT!!!!!

[bellanicola003]

Ok, so I feel so stupid and actually can't believe I'm posting this as I have already told a few friends who have laughed at me because they know how dingbatted I could be and those other friends who just shook their heads in disbelief at my stupid ways.

 

So the deal was that on Wed he came over after going out for a few drinks with friends and wanted to talk - he talked my ear off for HOURS about his feelings how bad he wanted us to work. On Saturday, I sent him a beautiful email about how much I cared...it was, just a very touching email and he responded to it after I had asked if he liked what he read and wanted to try to respond to me. Well he did and I was so happy. but then the rest of the weekend he didn't contact me at all.

 

Today at work (we work together) I wondered if he were there. I didn't want to text him, call him, email him or go over to bother him, so I checked his email account to see if there were any emails left in it - If there are emails in the acct, then he has not opened his outlook and is thereforee not at work. You see, I know all of his passwords and he knows all of mine. Heck we lived together for 3 years and are expecting a child together. I wasn't doing it to be nosey or for snooping purposes. Well, when I opened up the email acct it had emails in it. I knew he wasn't at work yet and was pry not coming in - it was around 9:30 am, so as I was about to close the account I saw this email with no subject on it. It was from a girl who's name I didn't know, so I read it. It just read "please quit telling people that I was stalking you. There was 2 other people on your porch that night too." There was no hello, no goodbye, nothing. I was like...who the heck is this girl? When I went in to look at the email I accidentally pushed respond and when I went back to the full inbox account, it looked like I had emailed the girl. So...I did. OUCH...I know I'll be SLAMMED for that and feel free...I know, I know!!!!!! I just wrote, "I don't know what you're talking about? What night on my porch?" I then deleted the msg and the sent item. I truthfully don't know what I was thinking but it happened so fast that I couldn't stop it. So...literally 1 minute after I send it...MY BF COMES UP BEHIND ME AND SAYS WHAT'S UP?! He's acting all happy to see me and wants to chat it up. He could see the look on my face and asked what was wrong. I said that we needed to go somewhere else to talk and we did...he was very concerned there was something wrong. I asked him who this chick was and he said that she worked in our office's warehouse and was the ex wife of a kid he went to HS with. He said that he saw them out on the 4th of July and hung out for a bit. The girls sister lives 2 doors down from him, so she knew where he lived. He must have told them to stop down his place for some drinks and that's what they did, but he didn't go home, he went to a friends house. He said his phone started ringing up a storm that whole night around 3:30 am and that he didn't recognize the number, so he didn't pick up. Finally he said that he got sick of it ringing and got worried something may be wrong, so he picked it up. It was the group of people yelling into the phone to let them into his house - they were drunk. He told them to calm down yelling like that at his house and that he wasn't even home - to please leave his house because he's new in the neighborhood and didn't want his neighbors to get mad. He obviously then told a few people about the incident and how mad it made him and it got back to her so she emailed him.

 

He obviously wanted to know how I knew about this and I was completely honest. I said that I logged in to see if he was at work and saw the email and he was mad, he thought I was snooping, but honestly, truth of truths, I wasn't, but I know it didn't look good. I mean heck, while I was being honest...I could have just said I was snooping ya know? So you guys gotta believe me! I told him that I responded to it and he got soooo mad! He said that now he has to deal with this chick emailing him back when he would just have ignored the email because it wasn't a big deal really. He started saying really mean things and I don't blame him, really I don't. Just that he can't take me anymore and this is why we're in the position that we're in, etc. I was so hurt, and he didn't believe me. He told me to just leave him alone and then in the next breath told me to walk over with him to the store near our work. The whole time him saying that he doesn't believe in that email I sent him on Saturday because what I did today goes against it and that I never let things just work between us. I cried all the way up in the elevator and he walked away from me. When i went to get my bearings in the bathroom and calmed down...I reported back to my desk and sat down. 5 minutes later my phone rang and it was him, but I didn't pick up. I waited 20 minutes and called him back when he answered he asked if I was ok and to just calm down, to just calm down. He knew I was upset and said that he just doesn't understand why i would do something so stupid and that he thought we were on the right way to working things out. I asked him what we were going to do and he said he doesn't know...that I just never let things work themselves out. He said he had to go and then hung up.

 

I emailed him to apologize and tell him that I understand his anger, but to please understand that I hoped he would believe that I NEVER went into his email acct to snoop or anything like that. I also told him that I'm willing to work this out if he is, that I just want our family together.

 

OK...so hit me with it...I already know that I'm an idiot and it was very hard to write this...please be gentle...this wasn't a habit or anything...I feel really bad about this. Would you forgive me if you were him?

 

I'm actually scared to push submit...

[thouse]

Wow you are just like me, what is your sign? We are some really busy bodies that have a problem with just going with the flow. We feel like if we are not doing something or fully understand what is going on then we need to find out or better yet DO something. I think we are our own worse enemy if we could just let things be it would probably be fine but we really create alot of our own problems.

[bellanicola003]

I'm a Sagittarious...the truth though is that I was really letting things go with the flow...it hurt...and I needed support...heck I am only human, but I was letting things go with the flow. I was working on me and my relationship with the Lord and then I go and do something sooooooo stupid!!!! I really want to crawl into a hole right now, but I don't think me and my belly would fit! I'm just trying to make light out of the situation.

 

I'm hoping he could look at this and think about what a pain in the butt I am and laugh about how stupid I could be...Again, i said I was hoping!

[thouse]

I'm a Sagittarious...the truth though is that I was really letting things go with the flow...it hurt...and I needed support...heck I am only human, but I was letting things go with the flow. I was working on me and my relationship with the Lord and then I go and do something sooooooo stupid!!!! I really want to crawl into a hole right now, but I don't think me and my belly would fit! I'm just trying to make light out of the situation.

 

I'm hoping he could look at this and think about what a pain in the butt I am and laugh about how stupid I could be...Again, i said I was hoping!

I know it's got to be difficult because you are pregnant. I can only imagine how it feel to be pregnant from someone and not sure where we stood relationship wise. I have a son but I knew early on his father was a weasel so it didn't really hurt that much when we didn't work out.

 

I think he should be able to understand that you are in an emotional state and that the uncertainty is alot for you too handle, and then on top of that you guys work together so you always have to see him. I don't know what I do if I couldn't grieve my mistakes without having to look at him too.

[bellanicola003]

Yes, it's very hard...especially after he comes over and confesses his undying love for me and how much he wants us to work, but is scared. I wasn't the nicest, but that was affected by an abusive relationship with my daughters father and a deep depression last year. He just needs to see things won't be horrible again and I understand that, but I can't BELIEVE I was soooo dumb today!!!!!!!! I would seriously think that someone like me was a psychiopath, but I'm not...really! LOL

 

It's hard to see one another each day or even if I don't see him, I know he's only a hallway away and ple at work are always in our business!!!!! I just hope he can forgive me, I had never done anything like this before and don't plan on it. WOW! what a dork I am!

[nuttybuddy]

i think if what u did was within a marriage context, it would've been forgotten and forgiven already. but since marriage is still up in the air with you and him, he's still thinking that he has a choice on whether he wants to be with you for the rest of this life. but i think having a baby will make him want to be a part of your life as a family. just let this incident ride out. he'll come around. and i don't think he'll be walking out of your life when he knows he's the father of a child. and from your apologetic attitude, i think you've learned your lesson. no one is perfect. and we are all a work in progress.

[Pappers]

Well, you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar. It must be embarrassing. But this should be no reason to break up with someone over.

 

Sure, you made a mistake, and an embarrassing one at that, but I'm sure he'll forgive you. Maybe offer to him a password change? And then cook him dinner with a nice dessert?

 

The more you make a big deal out of this, the more he'll think it is a big deal. So just take it easy and apologize... hopefully not getting too red in the face in the meantime! : )

[bijoux27]

Just relax and believe you'll get past it, and you WILL.

[bellanicola003]

Hey guys thanks!!! I appreciate your love on this! I thought for sure I would really get slammed here, but I really wanted your advice on this. Thanks for your kind words. I did apologize to him already many times to his face and then via email as well. I'm just going to let it ride. This definitely was not the right time for this to happen since we are trying to get things on track. I think he's just so scared about this little one. Honestly, if I weren't pregnant right now...I really don't think we'd be having any problems! If anything, I think we would be engaged again by now. But it's ok...I know he's scared...I am too! I just hope he comes around before he regrets not being there for a lot. He is an emotional man. I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for me as well!