Are you moving on?

[soulmeetsbody]

I wonder what we call moving on. If we see getting the ex back as the ultimate goal, then we're not letting go and we can't move on. It is so hard getting to that important stage where you're both OK with the idea of never being with them again and at the same time still wanting them back. Do you move on from them or moved on about the breakup?

 

 

I am slowly accepting the reality of it all I think, I feel better. I love him and miss him constantly but we split up so that I could sort myself out and learn to be independent so maybe I am right now achieving the ultimate goal? Sometimes I get so upset and my chest hurts, but hopefully I won't get these anymore soon... I dont even know if I want to move on. I love him and he's an amazing person, I don't want him to be a stranger. He's done nothing wrong, he was great even after the breakup and we are definitely right for each other. We split up with a situation, not each other so I don't know how I can NOT miss him,move on, I can't even be mad at him. I can't let myself move on from him, I can only move on with the situation (us breaking up). If he came back now, I would say no, just like he would say no. I need time and everytime I have a panic attack it reminds me why we're doing this and I don't want him to spend all his energy on looking after me anymore.

 

 

This may be 'fake' peace since it may just be that deep down I feel that I KNOW we'll get back together which is definitely not certain. I don't know if I feel like this deep down, I just wonder if in a month or two I'll still want him and if I do, I hope he will too.

 

 

Are you moving on? Or do you trick yourself thinking you're moving on but deep down you want them back and if they talked to you now, saying they're moving on it would hurt like hell?

[Infin1ty]

I thought I was moving on, until I realized that I was just convincing myself that she will be back. I can tell you first hand that I am not moving on. Right now I actually feel like going and throwing up because of how much hurt I am feeling.

[bfla]

I think "moving on" is a deceptive phrase. The one my dad likes to throw at me all the time (and sometimes I just want to scream) is... "move FORWARD."

 

I think these two concepts are similar but they aren't the same. To me, "moving on" indicates that you are resigned to a particular outcome being a certainty. This doesn't mean that we, as the "pursuers" have any influence on our ex's feelings for us. To me, "moving on" means forgetting about the past and honoring only the PRESENT. To me, moving on is a way of comforting ourselves in the future by agreeing that things between us and our ex are over forever. They have no role to play in our lives so we must forge ahead and live without them.

 

"Moving forward" is something I would consider that many of us have done. At my first therapy appointment in June, I was sitting in the waiting room already shaking and crying. I spent the majority of that session crying. Now six weeks later, I can speak more objectively about the subject at hand. I can say out loud phrases like "she has a boyfriend" - "she is on the rebound" - "she is his girlfriend" - "she is sleeping with someone" and not projectile vomit or something. But I still get that twinge in the chest or stomach. Don't we all...

 

...All of us here in GBT wake up in the morning, brush our teeth, and live our lives. We do this all with an objective for our future -- Getting Back Together. We have identified feelings of absolute love for another person. They may or may not reciprocate again. We may or may not have a future with them. We must forge on and honor our responsibilities, and it may take a long period of time to catch up with those things we have neglected (I am VERY guilty of this) - but we need not do this without formulating a system for doing those things that "ARE" in our power to love our ex back to us.

 

Maybe they have someone else now, and fast. Some people would label even our wanting to be with those exes as selfish or self-interested. This is not necessarily the case. These issues are not black and white. You have a special person in your life that you may have shared the closest bond with. They may know your deepest secrets, your desires, your motives, your goals. Now they may not. Maybe you know very little about what they are doing now and it is unsettling.

 

But you still wake up everyday, and you don't jump off a bridge because that would be the ultimate square one step. You keep moving FORWARD because in the future -- that is the only place you and your ex might have a bond again.

 

Moving on? The hell I am. I'm right here, hour by hour, day by day, in a world of pain and aggravation. "No one is worth that pain." Well the only way to know that is to feel it and find out, I say. I still talk to her, out loud, all the time. She doesn't hear me now but maybe she will later.

 

So move forward, you're alive. And they are too. Keep on loving them and yourself too. Those aren't mutually exclusive, regardless of what anyone will tell you.

[WlknCntrdiction]

I have moved on. Me and my ex have reconciled over the past relationship and have gone our separate ways now, I went back to NC after talking to her about a month ago and tying up loose ends. I'm assuming she's still with my friend atm but that's neither here nor there atm.

 

I wish her all the best and I hope she is happy with what she has. I have moved on and continue to move on without her, I still do hope she will come back but there is such a point where that thought doesn't get a say in your actions. I will think that thought and dismiss it instantly, it's there but I'm not pining over the fact that we may get together or not, cause it's not for me to say.

 

I'm not angry at her fro breaking up with me, I'm not upset we've broken up, I'm not angry at my frined for allowing my ex to come to him on the same week we broke up in, I'm not still dwelling over what went wrong in our relationship, I've worked on my problems and solved them and I continue to grow more experience as an individual, all thanks to the lessons my ex and our relationship have taught me, I can take these valuble life skills into another relationship and make sure I don't make the same mistakes again

[pace of ace]

Am i moving on?.... No. Nomatter how much i desperately want to let go and move on and stop thinking about her i can't. I still think deep down she will realise she's made a mistake. Even though rationally it's foolish to think it'll ever happen because i'm nust holding myself back. I'm stopping myself from moving on and thereforee being happy.

[soulmeetsbody]

i was doing fine. i thought if we both love each other as much as we do, we will be together again soon. and i didnt miss him so bad, i just remembered why we are doing this and that it's good for me and there's not point in thinking of being with him again until i sort myself out.

 

 

And today it's just really hard, i miss him so much, and I cry,when I haven't cried in a long time. I just don't like getting better without him by my side. I am making so many efforts, having fun with friends, hobbies, for MYSELF not for him, for the first time. But it would be so much more fun with him....

[Mutley]

Am I moving on?

 

I sure hope so.

 

It was hard to do anything with that emotional drag around my neck.

[Steve 7745]

Moving on and wanting someone back is ironic and hard.

 

Basically, you cannot have someone back unless you've fully and completely accepted that they're gone and won't come back. You undergo grieving and mourn the loss of the relationship. And only when you've completed it, and they've completed it, can you really consider giving it a second chance.

 

Of course, the joke is that if you hold onto any hope of ever getting back together with that person, you're not really going to fully heal. After all, desire isn't all that it's cracked up to be... observe.

 

"I suppose that at one time I could have had anything I wanted, within reason, but that was the only thing I ever wanted with any fervor. God! And that taught me you can't have anything, you can't have anything at all. Because desire just cheats you. It's like a sunbeam skipping here and there about a room. It stops and gilds some inconsequential object, and we poor fools try to grasp it- but when we do the sunbeam moves on to something else, and you've got the inconsequential part, but the glitter that made you want it is gone." -Anthony Patch, The Beautiful and Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

 

In case you're wondering, Anthony here was talking about his wife, Gloria. She was beautiful and like a man in a way, not caring about anything but herself. He worked so hard to get her hand in marriage. Only when he won it, it was horrid. She was still a child, immature and with too much levity.

 

And when I compare this to my ex C, I instantly feel better that it's over. I want to move on. You should too.

[soulmeetsbody]

Basically, you cannot have someone back unless you've fully and completely accepted that they're gone and won't come back. You undergo grieving and mourn the loss of the relationship. And only when you've completed it, and they've completed it, can you really consider giving it a second chance.

 

 

 

I agree.

 

 

I also think that we have so much trouble letting go because we feel we don't truly need to let go. We feel we don't need to move on because when hope is strong enough, you begin to believe it isn't a real breakup. When you're so sure it's not really over, then you feel you don't need to go through this difficult process of acceptance and introspection.

 

Friends and family will say ''you need to move on'' and we'll think ''sure, that's what people need to do when they get dumped. but not me because this is special, and my relationship with him/her was special enough not to be finished yet.''

 

I am getting better everyday but I am afraid it's because I refuse to confront the reality of it. I guess for now I will keep on trying not to think too much about it and focusing on having lots of fun and move forward. So that when in one or two months it hits me that he won't come back (even though he said we definitely will and he wants to, words dont mean anything right now), it'll be much easier.

[ladyblue07]

I think most people do move on eventually. I don't think you will find a lot of the people who have moved on here because once you've moved on, you no longer care so much about Getting Back Together and are likely to stop visiting this part of the forum.

 

For me, it took a long to really move on (over a year) but it did finally happen. I think the real turning point was when I had a big crisis in my family. That had two purposes: 1) It put in perspective how minor my sadness/pining over that guy was compared to what really matters in life and 2) The fact that he wasn't there to support me through that hard time showed me that he didn't have the backbone and compassion to deserve me.

 

Now I'm over it and much happier with my life (but I still visit this forum to see how others are doing and try to offer my input when I can).

[Nearwater]

Well, Mine said "never coming back" and I don't dwell on those words. I am stuck in the absurdity of her double-rebound (with a married man not yet divorced) I move forwards hoping to get word of the big meltdown I know in my heart will come, then her falling back on the real thing, the only thing, me. Stable, strong, loving and caring. If she resists that after the rebound crashes, her loss and I move forward again. For now I can sweat a few months. What's a few more months in a lifetime? After all, it took 44 years to find her, and one day to lose her, so what if it takes 6 months to get lost and find each other again. Next time, if I let her back, it will be after a mutual meeting of minds, disclosure about the reasons and some professional counseling. If that does not happen, I will find someone else to shower with the love and goodness and affection I have in my heart.

 

Until then I post here, clear minded somedays, crying and lost others.

 

Eagels-

" Every night i'm lyin' in bed,holding you close in my dreams

Thinking about all the things that we said, and coming apart at the seams..."

 

-Here in my heart, I give you the best of my love...

[soulmeetsbody]

God its weird. I need advice here please.

 

 

So, me and my bf split up 3 weeks ago, basically I need to be single because I have been dealing with a cocktail of depression,eating disorders,anxiety and bit of drugs for a couple years. I put it all under 'depression''. He helped a lot for a year but its been hard and he split up with me so I could 'sort myself out', I agreed. We were both heartbroken but we knew it was the right thing to do. Since then I have, for the first time, made active steps towards recovery from day 1 of the breakup and for ME not him. This time, no medication, I chose therapy and good old school remedies (friends and hobbies and sport). It helped and my friends said I look happier and healthier than ever. I miss him though.

 

 

He broke NC 3 times in 2 weeks. Texted that no matter how wrong our timing was, he'll never meet a girl as amazing as me.emailed to ask how I was doing. And called tonight to ask how i am doing. It's the first time I answered, and he says he just wants to know Im doing well and he says he's obsessed with me, miserable and his stomach is churning all the time even though we cant be together. I sounded strong and stable to show him I am making steps towards recovery but he angered me when he started asking if Im missing him or if im planning on getting with anyone else.

 

 

I am honestly enjoying singledom, not matter how much I miss and love him, because I need to look after myself and make sure I give myself the chance to be happy. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me and Im ready for it. It may take 6 months, a year to feel normal, confident and happy again but I'm ready to do it because i wasted too many years. I know I need to stay focused on my problems, even though I love him, I need to love myself more and stop hurting myself.

 

 

I dont know how it happened but we decided to meet up tomorrow? As friends. And I genuinely don't plan on a reconciliation plan at all,i just still care.We never split because we aren't right for each other. I just can't be with anyone right now and he knows it and supports me 100%. So is it ok for us to support each other and meet up? or since we still love each other its a bit risky?we both think we'll be back together in the future, just not anytime soon. Any advice appreciated.

[Nearwater]

Without knowing more about your life together I will say this, from the perspective of "If it was me" knowing what I know about love and heartbreak, I would not willingly let go of someone I dearly loved and missed unless there is some toxic dysfunction. You say

"we both think we'll be back together in the future, just not anytime soon. " Don't wait until to much time goes by and one of you meets someone else. IF both of you have the common goal of togetherness, work on things with professional help or just stat close and help one another out, that is what a partnership is about.

[soulmeetsbody]

Without knowing more about your life together I will say this, from the perspective of "If it was me" knowing what I know about love and heartbreak, I would not willingly let go of someone I dearly loved and missed unless there is some toxic dysfunction. You say

"we both think we'll be back together in the future, just not anytime soon. " Don't wait until to much time goes by and one of you meets someone else. IF both of you have the common goal of togetherness, work on things with professional help or just stat close and help one another out, that is what a partnership is about.

 

 

 

 

That's very true and that's also what I think. There was some sort of 'toxic dysfunction' being that, although I am ok, affectionate etc most of the time, my periods of down, from anxiety to drugs were affecting him too much. I did stop drugs while i was still with him though, but that's about it (actions to get better...i always wanted to but never took the plunge when i was with him). I guess I didnt want to accept that I still had a problem with eating and depression and see a professional. Now i do.

 

 

That's maybe what we'll see tomorrow, if we want to go through this together. I guess it depends on how much he loves me and if he wants to support me through this. He feels he's supported me enough, and suffered enough and knows the only way i can recover is by being independent. So in that case maybe NC is wrong and we could have some sort of friendship/relationship that gives me a lot of independence but i dont know if we can do that?