whitto Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I have read through a few blogs & there issome great feedback. MY ISSUE is that I have let my marriage get out of control! My wife of 10 years always like to get out & I am content going out but also chilling at home looking after the kids (2 & 5). In doing this, I have not invested in my wife. We get on brilliantly, used to be very affectionate & despite not having alot of sex, it was good. However she has started to create a network outside of our marriage. I have encouraged her to go out drinking & partying with her single friends (what an idiot I am!!!) SO WHAT HAS HAPPENED ------ So that I do not trap her, I have encouraged her to go out. & party she has. Recently she spent 4 weekends in a row not coming home on a fri or sat night. She tells me she stayed at her friends house & how can I not believe her? More importantly, her behaviour has changed. She does not want anything remotely to do with me physically (I have tried). She has told me she is off me at the moment. She tells me she does not want to hurt me. She tells me she feels like we are friends not lovers. She does not tell me where she is going. She has told me some white lies of where she is going. She carries her mobile everywhere with her. She has set up a personal email address & facebook, myspace page. She has no family & I am her world & that is scaring her of what she may lose. She is saying that she does not like where her feelings/thinking is at. She is telling me she does not want me to change. We did split 2 years ago for 6 months (similar issues to now). We have done the counseliing thing in the past. We may consider now Is this reversable? I have been on the other side of this & once you are 'friends' I don't see how it can be reversed? HELP? I love her & don't want this to just be friends. Is there a way back? Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Sorry, man. You got problems here. I'd advise the first step is you get yourself into some counciling. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 If things are going to work out she has to stop going out and partying (and perhaps cheating on you) and you need to stop accepting this behaviour in her. Both you need some counselling to see if you can fix the connection the two of you have. It is not good enough to stay in a marriage just out of fear of having nobody. Both of you need to sit down and talk and figure out how it got this bad. Also, with her out running around, that is taking time away from her children. Link to comment
isittolate Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Whitto, i feel for you. I am similar to your wife, but slightly different situation. I have a life outside my marriage, my husband not so much. However, our relationship seems similar to yours. I believe I can never go back to feeling sexual towards my husband. It just isnt there anymore. And from what I have heard from other GFs is that this doesn't change. If she has already told u this and hasn't left you yet its only because she doesn't wanna be the bad guy and perhaps she is afraid of being alone. But, you may end up a door mat in the end. If i were you i would start investing in yourself. Good luck Link to comment
whitto Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Thanks, Councilling it is. I will chase up one 2moro. I fear she may be reluctant because we have been here before in our marriage & the councilling did not help, actually made it worse....ouch Should I give her some space? Not dote on her much? Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Yea, I'd give her space for now. Just get yourself in to talk to someone and then take it from there. Link to comment
isittolate Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Whitto, have you tried giving her an ultimatum? Maybe u need to stand your ground. Link to comment
whitto Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Thanks Isi, that is exactly what I thought. I have spent the last week totally gutted but starting to come to my senses. If I was her, once the flame has gone, it is buried. You sound like I am talking tto my wife! She def does not want to be seen as the bad guy or give up what we have (ie. nice house etc.) How does your husband handle your arrangement? Do you still have sex with your husband? Will you run off from him when the right one comes? I am contemplating do we have an ópen marriage'? Link to comment
whitto Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Mutley, space is hard. She starts Uni 2moro (back at age of 35) & I have bought her a diamond & sapphire pendant (stone for wisdom). Now I feel like I don't want to give it to her as I am the only one giving........door mat...... Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Well...if your going to jump right into it. I'd say don't bargain with her and start that spiral...tell her to pack her bags and get out. If she's worth trying to save this thing over....she'll come around. Link to comment
whitto Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Isi, I did give her an ultimatum. If its not me the its over! I said if you are dogging me (cheating) then you can leave me & the kids 2moro (said in emotional anger), Should I spy on her computer & check if she is? Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Mutley, space is hard. She starts Uni 2moro (back at age of 35) & I have bought her a diamond & sapphire pendant (stone for wisdom). Now I feel like I don't want to give it to her as I am the only one giving........door mat...... DON'T GIVE IT TO HER. She doesn't deserve anything else from you. Take it back and bank the money. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Is this reversable? I have been on the other side of this & once you are 'friends' I don't see how it can be reversed? HELP? I love her & don't want this to just be friends. Is there a way back? To be honest, this is not going to be easy. But you have to stop accepting her behaviour. As someone else suggested, it is time for her to face the consequences, and start packing her bags... Link to comment
whitto Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 ooohhh man. that some big cash down the toilet............. should i check on her emails etc? Or does it not matter? Link to comment
isittolate Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Whitto, we too have children and i have a very busy work/school schedule so basically we ignore the elephant in the room, so to speak. I have actually offered to leave but he's told me not to. No, i wouldnt just run off. I need to fix me first and no we are not having sex anymore and he cant stand it, gets really pissed, basically cant take a hint. i have not told him that i am not attracted to him anymore, but i feel this should only be obvious. Link to comment
Mutley Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 ooohhh man. that some big cash down the toilet............. should i check on her emails etc? Or does it not matter? Down the toilet? Why? and WHY check her emails. You know that she's up to no good so why torture yourself any further? Just tell her to go home with momma...cuz you ain't supporting her anymore. Link to comment
Timebandit Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Should I spy on her computer & check if she is? Get legal advice, asap. Link to comment
whitto Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Isi, if I could bottle up what you have said, I am afraid it is identical to your relationship (ie. kids, work etc). Basically it means mine is stuffed!!!!!! I am finding it difficult to sleep in the same bed where someone does not want to touch me (Iam incredibly affectionate)? How do you handle that? Man, your husband is not facing up to whats in front of him.... I am & it scares the crxp out of me. Link to comment
whitto Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 I think I just need to make myself incredibly busy. This is taking up too much of my thinking & the thought of her cheating of me guts me. Well the upside is I have been working out twice per day (lol). have to see some upside. Link to comment
isittolate Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Keep working on u whitto, i wish my husband would do the same. Dont check up on her. it will only hurt you. It doesnt matter if shes cheating, and if she is, it is only because you allowed, it as she has said she is done and you are still there. We are not always sleeping in the same bed. Its hard, so hard. But i just try to keep myself busy and hope some day both me and him will be happy again Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I agree with Mutley. If she wants to behave like she is single it is time for you to throw her out. Why should she have someone supporting her when she is running around like that. Let her pay for her own jewelry, education and roof over her head. Talk to a lawyer and make sure you are covered. I think at the very least you need to separate from her and let her bear the consequences of her actions. Don't give her the present...she doesn't deserve it. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 whitto, Your wife is being selfish, dishonest, betraying you and your family and most probably sleeping with other men. She has made herself a fantasy life that you pay for so why would she change? This is not your fault in any way shape or form. She has chosen to act this way and there is nothing you could have done to warrant this type of selfishness and disreguard for her children and husband. I am sure you will here "I love you but I am not in love with you" some day. Marriage takes work, honesty and respect and it doesn't appear that she is doing any of these things. I don't know what the divorce laws are where you live but you need to educate yourself and if there is fault or no-fault divorce makes a big difference if you should snoop or not. If there is fault type divorce then all the evidence you get of her cheating and abandonment type behavoir will help you in the settlement. You are not going to be able to buy her affection or honesty with gifts and if you could it would only prove that she is that shallow and selfish. This is not what you want in your marriage and you need to take steps to remove her from your life. If she really loved and respected you and your family then would she behave this way? I think not. I wish I could say counseling would help but I doubt she thinks what she is doing is wrong and having a professional point it out her usaully just upsets them because they don't want to face what they have become. I hate to say this but what you are expeirencing is the Walk Away Wife Syndrome but she hasn't moved out yet. There are to many of us here in the Club that we never wanted to be in. You can PM me anytime. lost Link to comment
whitto Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 BAD NEWS - phoned one of the numbers on the cell phone. & she has been cheating on me. spoke to the bloke & he admitted it. Link to comment
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