Is she abusive or am I just a constant screwup?

[starbucks_is_meth90210]

I've been with this girl for going on 11 months now. I have not been a saint in our relationship. In the first month we were dating, she told me she loved me. That scared me, so I went and talked to my ex, with whom I was not serious. We discussed getting back together, but we didn't. Well, my girlfriend later read my IM logs and * * * * hit the fan. So I had to stop talking to her and another one of my ex's, who I had no plans of getting together with. So things went smooth for a while. Eventually she told me she didn't want me talking to any of my chick friends because she thought I "have weird little crushes on all of [my] female friends" because I would talk to them whenever my girlfriend and I are fighting. So I stopped talking to all of them, which has pretty much left me friendless.

 

Then she found out that I watch porn. I'm a guy, most guys do. She installed a parental control program on my PC to make sure I don't watch it. I've gotten past the things, she's found out, and she's hit me. Also, every time I see her (in between semesters at college we live two hours apart) she asks me to bring my computer, or the first thing she does when she comes over is look at my history on my computer, and look for any correspondance between me and anyone else. I now have to delete things she might even imagine would be me cheating on her or something. Before she comes over or I go see her, I meticulously go through all of my history, temp files, everything to make sure there's nothing on there that would make her hit me, yell at me, threaten to leave me and kill herself, etc.

 

She got into my email and found out all my passwords for everything. I eventually changed them, claiming I thought my sister knew them, but she demanded I tell her or she'd leave me. I told her. She regularly checks on my email, IMs, and Facebook/MySpace, et cetera. Honestly I don't have much to hide, but I'm a very private person, and it creeps me out that she will most likely find everything that I tell anyone. So now the only thing I use my computer for is homework and World of Warcraft (which we play together).

 

I pledged a fraternity, but it took up a lot of my time, and she didn't like that at all. A lot of frat things are secret, but she would threaten to leave me if I didn't tell her where I was or what I was doing at any moment, be it via text or phone call or whatnot. I remember I had to go get a sweetheart once (basically a fraternity cheerleader) and take her to the chapter room, and she was yelling at me the whole time while I was waiting on her to come out of her apartment, and she was yelling at me in front of the girl. I eventually hung up and turned my phone off. I'm not a very attractive guy, I don't have girls crawling all over me. But she thinks that every girl wants me and that I will screw anything with two legs.

 

She always brings up my past relationships, saying I only ever wanted sex (regardless of the fact I was a virgin before I met her) and let girls use me, and calls me stupid for that. My ex-roommate makes stuff up about me, saying that I only dated some girl (who is his ex) because she had big boobs, and tells her this. For some reason we were talking about bras, and I thought her boobs were 38D, and she got upset and said "No, they're 38C. Why don't you go find and f*ck Becky, she had the boobs you like." She always brings up my past, saying that I'm just like any other guy and only wants sex.

 

When we argue, I'm always so scared to say anything because whenever I say something in my defense. Every time I do, she automatically gets angrier. So I always just say that I'm sorry I did [insert random allegation here] and I'm such a bad boyfriend.

 

Sometimes I feel like she's my parent. I wanted to go see "Dark Knight," but I said that I'd go see it with her before anyone else. I don't get to spend much time with my little sister anymore, so I went to go see it with her. I told my girlfriend we were going to see another movie. When Dark Knight ran longer than the movie, she called and texted furiously, saying that I was cheating on her and that we're through if I didn't call her right then. So I said I was going to the bathroom and stepped outside the theater to call her. We argued for 15 minutes. I kept telling her I had to go back into the theater because my sister was alone, but she kept yelling at me. When I got home and called her, there was about a 5 minute discrepancy between the time I got home and the time I called. She accused me of cheating or something then. But that subsided. When we talked about me lying to her and going to see the movie, she said "So, I'm going to let you choose your punishment."

 

Sometimes it really seems like the only way she's happy is if I'm in my room all day long on the phone with her. But I have things I have to do, things I want to do. I tell her that I'm going to bed at about 11:30, and we get off the phone. In reality, I stay up hours later to have some time of solitude to watch TV, play with my pet rats, play guitar, or read. I let her do things she wants to do, be it go to parties, get drunk, go to the movies, go out of town until 3AM, etc. I trust her, I know she won't do anything, but sometimes I feel like I'm not getting the same courtesy.

 

My family went on a trip to NYC this summer. I love that city so much. She hated the idea of me going, because when her ex went on a vacation several states away, he cheated on her multiple times. She begged and pleaded for me not to go, but I went anyway. I know that sounds callous, but I haven't gone on a family vacation for years. She hated it. Every time I called, she was in tears, yelling at me for going, saying she hated me and such. I could only have privacy to speak to her in the fire escape stairwell in the hotel, but that got very cramped very soon. When I told her I had to get off the phone because the small quarters was scaring the hell out of me, she would get furious. Also, she said she was almost raped while I was in NYC, but she got out of it by saying she was pregnant, which she's not. She also said he took her ID when he stopped trying to penetrate her. She was very convincing. But I saw her ID. Granted, I very well may have been mistaken about him taking her ID, and she says I was, but I swear I remember her saying that he took her ID. I think she was trying to get me to feel guilty for going on the trip. This weekend she read my text messages to an old friend that lives in the NY area. The minute we got alone, she punched me in the jaw. I started to gather my things and leave her house, but she said she was sorry and actually got on her knees and begged me not to leave. So I stayed.

 

Recently I told her I was molested as an adolescent. Now she won't let the subject go, and constantly wants to talk about it, regardless of how many times I tell her to stop.

 

Before you think she's a psycho control freak, just know she's gone through a lot. She's been raped and molested since she was four, beat, shot, and definitely has a lot of mental problems. But when she's happy, she makes me very happy. When we're apart or she's upset, everything is horrible.

 

Is she abusive to me? If she is, what can I do to help the situation? How can I keep her happy without me being miserable?

 

I'm very sorry that this is so long. It's more of a rant than anything, so please don't flame me for not condensing it or anything. I just need some help making my gf happy, that's all. Thank you all.

[DN]

Leave her. She's abusive and it can only get worse.

[fastball2113]

never heard anything that bad before, leave her

[ProtestTheHero]

That's just it -- you can't make her happy.

 

The purpose of a relationship is that two sane people get together, click, and the relationship enhances their lives.

 

Your girlfriend is not using the relationship for this reason. While she has been burned in the past by men, she seems to depend on you for her happiness and general mental stability. She probably prefers when you agree with everything she says, like everything she likes, etc.

 

Regardless of how hard you try, she will never be satisfied with you or how you treat her because it will never be enough. It won't make up for all the tough times she's been through, and it certainly won't earn her trust.

 

Yes, she is abusing you. I think it's important to know that you are fighting a losing battle, though. The best thing for you is to break up with her and allow her to seek help. She won't ever be satisfied with relationships if she stays on the path she's on right now, and staying with her means you can kiss relaxation goodbye forever.

 

You are not a constant screw up. I can pretty much guarantee that everyone will say it's better off for you to leave her. You might feel a sense of obligation or duty to help her because of what she's been through, but enabling this behavior by remaining in this relationship won't help her in the end.

[LittleInuit]

I would say leave her. It kind of seems like you are afraid to leave her, but if you don't then I guess I would suggest the both of you to go to counseling or something. But, yeah, the way she treats you is horrible, and you don't deserve that. Sure she's been through a lot, but still, that gives her no authority to treat you like that. I'm sorry, but shes wrong.

[starbucks_is_meth90210]

I'm scared to death that if I do leave her, she'll kill herself. This weekend after a fight, she walked into her room and showed me a spot where she applied a good bit of pressure to her stomach with a meat cleaver, and basically said "If you leave me, I'll cut it open." If she had parents that were worth a damn, I'd tell them (Let's just put it this way, they don't have health insurance on their kids, but they have life insurance). They'd sooner have her exorcised than sent to counseling. I'd personally rather spend a lifetime in a figurative police state than leave her to kill herself.

[a_jhay]

i just recenly broke up with my gf of 3 yrs the scary part is they are very similar (except the suicide bit) she slaps me and scratches my back legs any part of my body she can get hold of. She was vert possesive just like you girl now she see's me very afternoon after work to check on me and to see who im with and where. a word of advice ive been there done that... things will only get worse i know this might be hard for you to do but GET THE F*** OUT OF THERE! ASAP!!! shes no good and trust me she will do worse things. . . . worse case scenario she will probably one day completely loose it and go on a blind berzerk rage and trust me you dont want ot be there. she might end up killing you and the worse part she can always invent bull * * * * stories like "oh he was vert abusive.. he hits me or threatens me with a knife (remember the marks she got from the meat cleaver. . . yes that one!) she can use that agains you or she'll probably say it was self defense . . . dude i can think of so much scenario just seriously get the heck out of that relationship. dude she's not even showing you any respect what so ever this is just a bad relationship and its just gona get worse

[Reilly2856]

You can't really keep her happy without making yourself miserable...you have to choose. The way she treats you is inexcusable. Regardless of her past, she does not have the right to physically abuse you, not to mention emotionally. It seems like you're always walking on 'egg shells' afraid of what might set her off. Exactly why do you have to do that? You owe yourself more than what you owe her. You are your top priority. I would seriously be very afraid to be around a person such as her, who can be explosive at any time. She has problems, but she needs to deal with them on her own. You shouldn't be in a relationship with her right now. Leave her before things get worse. They will surely not improve if you stay.

[a_jhay]

"If you leave me, I'll cut it open." obviously she has mental problem just get out of that relationship. but now theres another hurdle for you .. HOW are you going to end this relationship with out her going berzerk and start chasing you with a meat cleaver! lol! ](*,) dude i wish i could really help you out but all i can think of at the moment is tell her your moving to a different state i dont know if that will help or you could let the police know about your situation and what she's like (hey just a little insurance for your self just incase she does the unthinkable)

[Angel_baby]

Leave now before it gets worse. And trust me it will. I have watched my husbands abuse escalate. IT WILL GET WORSE.

 

As far as her threatening to kill herself. I think she is doing so to control you. But if you believe that she will then call the cops. They will come pick her up and take her for a evaluation. You do NOT need to stay

 

I know you love her, I also know that you feel it is worth it for her sweet times where it seems like she loves you. The truth is though even if it doesn't seem like it. She only loves you because she can control you.

 

I knew someone that had their wife hold a gun to him telling him if he was to ever leave her she would kill him. Then she hit him with the gun and broke his nose.

^^^^ That is what abuse escalates to!!

 

Get out now before it becomes to late.

[Jelina]

This is horrible. Leave her. She is def. abusing you. She has you thinking that she really loves you but she doesn't. All she is doing is hurting you. She doesn't deserve someone like you. You know that what she is doing is wrong, don't put up with it. I understand that she has a bad past, but a bad past doesn't mean you have to become a bad person. Please don't let her continue to make you feel this way. Don't justify her actions. Worry about yourself. Get out fast.

[Rising]

One thing you need to understand is that you two have developed a power relationship that is very dysfunctional, but one that suits both of you on some level because you've managed to make it work for this long.

 

This type of behavior will continue and may worsen as long as you both continue to proceed in this manner. If you want to change her behavior you'll need to make it clear to her that she cannot treat you that way and get what she wants. I imagine 99% of the time you are trying to assuage her and keep her from being angry, upset, or self destructive... and that is not your job as a boyfriend... not only is this bad for her because she will continue this behavior with her friends/loved ones/and children one day.. but its bad for you! If you learn that this is the way a relationship should be then you'll have major issues in any relationship from here on out.

 

I know WAY too many people who have been hurt, abused, violated, and beat down by life... it's really horrible that these things are possible in this world but it's a fact. Out of these people some never recover. Some of them go through the rest of their lives unable to create solid, healthy relationships because of the trauma of their past... BUT... I also know many that have been able to rebound and become much stronger people. Since it's obvious that you care for this girl I assume you'd like to help her get there.

 

She NEEDS therapy. Not like "Hmm, maybe she should go see someone." She straight up HAS to go talk to a professional if she plans on becoming a stable human being. She is abusive mentally, emotionally and physically to herself and others. She's manipulative, selfish, childish and extremely jealous for no reason.

 

I'm not sure if you are the personality type to be able to reconstruct the nature of the power in your relationship, but if you think you can handle it then you might try. It would require you being firm and not caving in to her demands just to keep her from freaking out. You'd have to take on an authoritative role and tell her that her behavior towards you is not acceptable. You'd have to be able to set limits and draw lines, and if she crossed them you'd have to be willing to go through with the punishments (nothing corporal of course).

 

For example: You tell her that the next time she strikes you that you are going to leave, no matter where you are or what you are doing, and that you won't speak to her for 3 days. Then if it happens you go through with it, regardless of her threats. You let her know that it hurts you to be treated that way and that if she truly cares about you that she will try to change her behavior. No bending the rules, even if its something you want.

 

These types of punishments can change behavior... but it would take a lot more to change her and make her into a healthy person. I don't think its something that you should try to do alone. See if you can get her to agree to counseling. go with her if you think it would help.

 

It's a pretty rough situation you are in my man. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you two figure out a way to become happy and healthy together.

 

-Rising

[Up and Down]

She sounds like she has BPD or at the very least many traits. Even if she isn't she is controlling and abusive. I would seriously consider what your life would be like if you stay. You are already walking on eggshells whether you recognize it or not.

 

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[TechResQ]

Her threats of suicide are attempts to completely control you and it's working...she knows that. She threatens/You stay. Most people that threaten suicide and talk about it all the time, don't follow through, it's the severely depressed ones that usually don't say a word to anyone that really do it. Not all mind you, but most.

 

You seriously need to get away from her. Thank the good Lord you aren't married to her! You really should break up with her and then go No Contact. Don't answer her calls, texts, emails, door... If she harasses you, get a restraining order.

 

She is definitely abusive and it is NOT your fault and it is NOT your job to "save" her from her horrible past. She needs professional help.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to take a step back and really look at your situation. Has it gotten better? It seems from everything you wrote, it has gotten worse. It will continue to get worse.

 

Think of what you are missing out on in your life right now. You deserve to be happy and go and do anything you want to without having to put up with everything she is dishing out.

 

Get away from her.

 

Good luck and God Bless

[bijoux27]

You've explained me.

[kpkpkp]

My friend.

I completely feel you.

I was with my girlfriend for 2 years. Today would actually mark our 2nd year.

I went through exactly what you are going through.

I would have to call her as I leave work, after I get home from dropping her off.

If the call was ever off by even a minute, she'd accuse me of being with someone else.

There was ALWAYS someone else in her mind.

She'd always go through my phone... the contacts call lists and we'd sit there for hours going on about what call was made

and why. I should never have even let her get that far.

Don't let her always blame you into submission. In fact, just get out of the relationship.

Don't rationalize that you did anything wrong just because she can point out something

that you did wrong i.e. (watch porno, go to new york, take a dump). If you stood absolutely still and stopped breathing, she'll still find something wrong with you.

That's no way to live. No one should have to endure that. Especially from your 'loved one'.

I've been looking for so many answers. I ran accross that BPD someone mentioned.

Your girlfriend, and definitely mine seem to fit the descriptions perfectly.

If it's already gotten to be violent. Do yourself a favor. Get out. I've gotten out of the

relationship only to have her calling back crying to take her back (though never apologizing or acknowledging what she did wrong). Any attempt at talking to her will only be met with how YOU messed up and how she has no faults.

Don't make my mistake of staying too long and then going back. Leave her, get away from her and cut contact. Not only do you have to worry about her hurting you, you may lose it and hurt her.

You're not a screw up. If you stay around though, you might become a screw up like me.

We were fighting and she punched me in the face while we were driving. Then I hit her back. Don't let it end like that. Just leave before anything worse happens. Don't be like me.

You have nothing to regret right now if you walk away. Try to keep it that was as you walk

[Love_Music]

Is she abusive to me? If she is, what can I do to help the situation? How can I keep her happy without me being miserable?

 

 

Yes she is VERY abusive to you. Staying with her is only gonna make things worse. In a way, I can kinda relate to your situation, but mine isn't half as bad as yours.

 

And the thing is, you are NEVER going to make her happy. You said she had some issues while she was growing up, and to me it sounds like she has never dealt with them. Has she ever tried counseling?

 

You shouldn't have to stay up in your room on the phone with her just so SHE can be happy, while she's out partying all friggin night. That is NOT fair to you at all.

 

And if you're worried about your appearance having an effect on finding someone else, you are so wrong. There are plenty of other girls who would like to have a good man. Don't let this one girl ruin your chances of finding someone SO much better to you.

 

Staying with her is only going to bring you down even further.:sad:

[ctedde]

Dude, I left my wife a month ago I have a post "Should I stay or should I go" a couple pages back from your post. I did not go back to my abusive wife.

Let me tell you. I am so much happier. The first two weeks were really rough, and I almost went back a couple of times but thank god I didn't.

I feel like I've been let out of jail. It feels great to wake up and go to bed without being accused of cheating. It feels good not to get hit. Most of all though it feels good not to have to explain every detail and minute of my day to the warden.

You can only change one person. That's yourself. You can't change her.

What kept going through my mind after I finally left after 3 years was, will I regret leaving her. I don't regret it. I'm pretty sure you won't either.

You only get one life. One youth. Do you really want to take a chance on WASTING it? She has you conditioned to think her behavior is normal. It isn't. She is Abusive. SHE IS ABUSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Listen to me again, man. SHE IS ABUSIVE. She has you thinking you deserve it. You deserve to be treated like a person. Not like a hated step-child. She needs to grow up, but so do you. You need to stand up for yourself and get the hell out of there. Don't be her doormat. Be a man.

I just can't stress to you enough the weight lifted off my shoulders from leaving my abusive wife. Nothing I ever did could make her happy or could make her stop hitting me.

You only get one life brother. Don't waste your youth on her. Find someone who respects you, and doesn't assume you're a piece of crap. If you stay with someone who only sees the worst in you, then pretty soon that's all you'll see too.

On than post I made, someone asked me if a child of mine were with this woman, what advice would I give him.

If you had a child, would you tell him to stay with this deeply troubled and abusive woman?

I sure as hell hope not.

Go live your life man.

[Javito1986]

Here's what you do. Stop reading every single reply on this thread, get off the computer, and break up with her. Right now. And don't worry about the "I'll kill myself" crap, that's manipulative nonsense and if you're really concerned then call the police and send them over to her place after she makes those threats. But extricate yourself from her life.

 

Guy earlier mentioned BPD. That acronym stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, look it up, this girl has -all- the signs. I dated a girl some years back that was very similar to yours, also a BPD. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to gather up your dignity and get out without any further delay. Just bounce.

 

Seriously man, I've seen and been in your situation before, it's not going to get better. Don't wait another day.