Rebound confusion

[bfla]

Allow me to apologize in advance for posting so much, but ENA is kind of my anti-drug right now. Heh...

 

So from my previous threads, y'all know Rachel is on the rebound. She has set all her statuses to In A Relationship as of last Wednesday (right after Rebound BF's birthday.) But of course - they were dating for several weeks before that. Essentially she met him online a week and a half after we broke up - and the day after we met up one last time to talk.

 

As is predictable and oft-discussed on ENA, it is very difficult to see her online persona right now. She is posting just gorgeous pictures of her going out on the town, identifying her status as "is such a lucky girl" and etc. Part of me wants to think this is her, being her age, and trying to push herself to move on and get deep into this new relationship. I feel a lot of indications here based on her personality. She has RUSHED in emotionally, sexually, etc. given her past (she tends to be very sexually conservative...we did not have sex until we had been dating almost 3-4 months but she was younger then). I don't find myself ready to delete her from online accounts. I am not in denial, mine all say single (well, facebook is blank). But she is still my "top friend" on myspace and there is a situational picture of us playing air hockey together as my picture. She checks my myspace every 2 or 3 days and so I know she sees that. Conversely, she's no schmuck and knows I know she is "IAR." So there's no reason to try LC or anything like that at this moment.

 

I guess my point in all this....I've had a lonely Sunday without friends or company, and I spent a good portion of these hours reading old threads hundreds of pages back in GTA. (I'm on page 223.. but I'm not reading every thread lol) There is what I would consider to be a frighteningly large number of testimonials about rebounds working out...becoming engaged...getting married, etc.

 

So then - why are we always so quick to dismiss the rebound? I don't mean to say that they often/usually/mostly don't work out, but damn am I scared out of my mind right now. Rachel's 20.999 years old and probably not getting engaged anytime soon. Hell, I had a few friends in college that were engaged and then single a while after.

 

But in the midst of our NC, and our decade+ history notwithstanding, I'm still ready to drop anything and do anything at her command. Part of me thinks that's noble and chivalrous. The other part of me thinks I'm an idiot.

 

On ENA, I have noticed an interesting rift/hypocrisy regarding the rebounds. Both of these sort of statements tend to appear immediately in any discussion involving an ex with a new relationship, when we still want to Get Back Together:

"She has moved on so you better start doing it too"

and

"Rebounds are a distraction and eventually they will have to deal with the pain of their feelings for you etc. etc." i.e. not "moving on"

 

I guess my question is this:

Aren't these ideas the complete opposite?? and yet they both appear in nearly every discussion of an ex with someone new. "Well she has a new guy." "Hmm better start moving on then, she is" "But its a rebound" etc, etc, full circle.

[shes2smart]

 

Aren't these ideas the complete opposite?? and yet they both appear in nearly every discussion of an ex with someone new. "Well she has a new guy." "Hmm better start moving on then, she is" "But its a rebound" etc, etc, full circle.

 

Because there is no one-size-fits-all answer.

 

Sometimes it's a rebound, sometimes they are moving on, sometimes the "rebound" ends up lasting for a good long while.

 

All those things (and many other possible outcomes) have happened.

 

And while I do believe posters make an honest and sincere effort to help people who have started threads here, you have to understand that all of us run our advice through the filter of our own experiences which are different (some times very different) from each other and from yours.

 

Sometimes, "it's a rebound...they'll come crawling back" is what happens.

 

Sometimes, "they moved on...they'll never be back" is what happens.

 

That's why, in the aftermath of a break-up, your best bet is to focus on yourself. You will always be in your life.

[bfla]

I just think it's interesting that both conflicting ideas always seem to surface at the same moment.

 

I am starting to learn that I don't think I am the type of person where I could "never be with someone after they had been with someone else." Thing is - in the past I think I was. Just feels like she's worth waiting out while she grows up a little bit.

[theforgotten]

bro we're going through a similar situation.

it sucks but we gotta move on because rebound or not they are. They might be thinking of us every once in a while, but at the end of the day they are with the new guy now and not us.

We gotta be ok by ourselves and I honestly think we will be in a better situation than them for not jumping into another relationship.

Even though this is very difficult I think it is something that just needed to happen in our life.

 

We're on an emotional roller coaster right now, just hang on, it will be over soon.

[LW4E]

I've always wondered... is it considered a rebound if your SO leaves you for someone else? How about if they don't even know that "someone else" in person?

 

Yeah, that my situation, my ex left me for someone she's never met in person, I always say it's crazy but at the moment, that's life, right?

 

I'm not one to say that I know how rebounds work, because frankly, at the moment there are times that go by for me when I feel like meeting someone new, but then there are other times when I just want to enjoy my single life while I still got it, you know?

 

In the midst of enjoying my single life, my ex has come back into the picture, sure, I may have broken No Contact, but I didn't expect her to be as much a part of my life as she is becoming now. She has a new boyfriend (The one she left me for) and the situation worries me, she is terrified of her new boyfriend seeing any flaw in her. So she has been trying hard for months to lose weight (I've suspected bulimia for a long time, read some other posts) and when he says something to her that she don't understand (Or a word she doesn't know the meaning of) she'll ask someone else instead of asking him because she doesn't want to come off as "dumb." Just last week she had me define the word "Kamikaze" because her boyfriend had made a joke earlier on that had to do with kamikazes and she said "I just laughed because it sounded funny, I wasn't sure what the word meant" when I asked her why she didn't just ask him, she just shrugged her shoulders.

 

That's one reason why I think her new boyfriend is a rebound, because no matter how I look at it, I encounter lots of problems understanding their relationship... she acts like a totally different person when talking to him, just so she can seem more educated or mature. I remember how she used to be really open with me, she told me everything, and asked any and all questions, even if she thought they'd make her look dumb.

 

She's also now calling me for strange reasons, like, she'll see something on TV, and she'll call me to crack a joke about it, we'll have a laugh, then hang up.

 

These are just a few reasons I think it's a rebound, as I heard that the person often doesn't share the same connection with the rebound as they did with their ex. I don't see a connection if she's afraid to show any flaws to her boyfriend, it all just seems so bogus to me.

[jkam]

im in a pretty similair situation! like she is being someone that she isnt when she is with the new bf.. and recently she has been calling me just to talk about stuff like why cant she do this with the new BF?? I just dont see what they have in common.. me and her have so much in common and we always had a good connection.. i just dont see what she sees in him...

 

and yes in my threads id get the two same types of advice as well..

[The_411]

Bfla,

 

It is a bit of a paradox but there is method to the madness.

 

In order for someone to be successful in relationship you need to be free of emotional entanglements.

 

She moved on very quickly which means she was either

a) already with this guy while you were with her

b) not coping with the end of your relationship and avoiding the necessary time for reflection.

 

I would argue that people should wait at least 1/2 the period that you dated your ex before getting serious, Light dating is a personal choice but getting serious so quickly is a bad idea.

 

Why is a bad idea? She's doomed to continue her pattern and unlikely to stick with this guy.

 

Now here's where you can screw it up or screw yourself up.

 

By talking to her, staying involved, she'll fuse an incomplete relationship with her rebound with your energy thus propelling her to feel her rebound relationship is better than it really is.

 

If you stay out of the way you let the rebound do its own thing which is likely falling flat.

 

Now as far as staying away it has to do with self improvement. Don't take this the wrong way. She left because she wasn't attracted. In order to be attractive to her you need to work on you. In doing so you'll be better prepared to handle a second opportunity if it comes around and if it doesn't then you'll attract an awesome woman.

 

By waiting around obsessing you're decreasing your value. You've done a good job disappearing now you need to continue with the disappearing act. Women love mystery and intrigue they want passion and they want you to resist them. Right now you're being sensitive (read weak). There's a place for sensitivity in a relationship but in order for you to remain in the relationship you've gotta become an alpha male.

 

I know it's insane to be patient but rebounds do not usually work. Even if it doesn't work out she's not going to just run back to you. That;s why you let it go and work on you.

 

THe onus is on her you are the prize and we all can clearly see this.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

There's one fundamental point I try to get accross to you guys pining away and being 'friends/confidantes' with exes who are in a 'rebound' and that is you guys are being totally wrong in trying to steal someone else's girlfriend from them.Whether it is a 'rebound' or not it boils down to this...a total lack of respect for her and her relationship.You can analyze and compare this new relationship with yours till the cow s come home but she's with him and not you.Somewhere I read on ENA a guy calls his ex everyday to wake her up...when she's naked lying next to the rebound....don't be like this Ex,Just move on and salvage some self respect.

[jkam]

There's one fundamental point I try to get accross to you guys pining away and being 'friends/confidantes' with exes who are in a 'rebound' and that is you guys are being totally wrong in trying to steal someone else's girlfriend from them.Whether it is a 'rebound' or not it boils down to this...a total lack of respect for her and her relationship.You can analyze and compare this new relationship with yours till the cow s come home but she's with him and not you.Somewhere I read on ENA a guy calls his ex everyday to wake her up...when she's naked lying next to the rebound....don't be like this Ex,Just move on and salvage some self respect.

 

why cant ppl genuinly be good and not use eachother?? what is wrong with being her friend if she wants to be genuinely your friend and not because she feels guilty? I'm willing to wait before i make any sort of move and im also open to other doors as well.. How is it that i disrespect her by being her friend when she wants to call me just to talk? Why is it that we believe that ppl are naturally evil and USE or play people? there are genuinely nice people too arent there? OR do Nice guys finish last??

[WlknCntrdiction]

OR do Nice guys finish last??

 

Yes, yes they do. There's nothing wrong with talking to your ex when/if she calls but the majority picks up the phone straight away or talks to them for hours on end like they have nothing better to do. The ex is using YOU for her emotional needs whilst she's with the "rebound". Make yourself busy, don't pick up the phone or don't pick it up straight away like you're sitting next to it.

 

NC does three things for you:

 

1. It allows you to take a step back and really assess what went wrong in the relationship, why it ended, what was both parties involvement in the breakup,

 

2. It gives you a chance to get yourself back, to correct these problems, to make yourself a better person and to not repeat the same mistakes again and...

 

3. It allows you to emotionally detach yourself from your ex, you get used to the idea of being single again.

 

By sticking around your ex in any shape or form you're only hindering your own personal development and making things worse for you because you are unable to move on with your life.

My ex is on the "rebound" atm with one of my friends but I've not being worrying about what they're doing, I'm only looking out for No. 1, Me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have some sort of feelings for her but I am confident enough in myself to not contact her in anyway, even if she comes back I wouldn't be instantly be transformed into a weak and spineless individual because I have worked on myself, I've got my confidence back plus extra on top of that, I wouldn't have been able to achieve what I have in these 4+ months we've been apart if I was still with her. I have my ex to thank for making me see that I am a prize, I'm not going to beg and plead after anyone because I'm worth so much more than that, and so are you, so stop pining and start moving.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There is no one size fits all when it comes to the end of relationships.

 

The concept of 'rebound' is overemphasized in that if a person has been unhappy with a relationship for a long time, by the time they break up they may have done all their grieving over the loss of the relatonship while they were still together, and by the time they break up, they are over it and ready for the next relationship.

 

Statistically the concept of 'rebound' doesn't hold either. Plenty of people date then marry the next person they meet after a breakup. In fact, think about it for a minute. Unless someone has never dated anyone before and marries the first person they ever date, they are by default marrying a rebound, i.e., they are dating and marrying someone who broke up with someone else.

 

So obsessing about rebounds is really your own personal way of trying to hold onto the idea that her current relationship won't work out and that thereforee means she'll come back to you.

 

That is a big waste of time for you, and you're better focusing on yourself and your own needs rather than trying to guess whether she'll last with the new guy or not. She may or may not, and she may drop this guy for some new guy and not you too.

 

Yes, she could come back, but a greater chance she won't. So you're better off focusing on yourself, building yourself up again, continuing with your life and getting healthy so that you can start dating again and enjoying yourself and can stop being obsessed with her. It is normal to obsess about someone after a breakup if you want them back, but you need to actively try to life your life fully and break that obsession if you want to start feeling better.

[cpujunkie]

Stay strong.

 

I found some very useful information in this post.

[Steve 7745]

why cant ppl genuinly be good and not use eachother?? what is wrong with being her friend if she wants to be genuinely your friend and not because she feels guilty? I'm willing to wait before i make any sort of move and im also open to other doors as well.. How is it that i disrespect her by being her friend when she wants to call me just to talk? Why is it that we believe that ppl are naturally evil and USE or play people? there are genuinely nice people too arent there? OR do Nice guys finish last??

 

Because it's a question of respect. First is her respect for you, which she has none. She wants to be your friend to make amends for ending the relationship, or simply to have that emotional, comfortable cushion to fall on if things go to hell. The B.U.G. (back up guy). And that's not respecting you or your wishes- especially if you want to be with her.

 

Women complain they want men to respect them. It goes both ways.

 

And then there's self respect. If you want something but are willing to settle, are you being true to yourself? And if you aren't going to respect yourself, why the hell is she going to respect you? She isn't.

 

Don't be a BUG. Go NC and let her go.

[spion_kop]

You shouldnt be thinking about the rebound because it's none of your business (sorry for being harsh). It's happening to me but I havent wasted my time on it. I've moved on with my life no matter how hard it was. You just have to take everything on the chin and keep your head up.

 

As for nice guys finishing last, I like to think of the story between the tortoise and the hare. You have to be patient and persistent in looking after yourself. Dont be someone else or something you arent just so you can rush into a relationship.

 

The way I see it with regards to an ex is that you treat them as how you would with any other friend. You hafta put yourself in that context. She wants to be friends than it has to be an equal and balanced relationship, if you cannot handle that or if u feel that your ex may be taking advantage of you (my reason for going NC) then you should go NC.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

why cant ppl genuinly be good and not use eachother?? what is wrong with being her friend if she wants to be genuinely your friend and not because she feels guilty? I'm willing to wait before i make any sort of move and im also open to other doors as well.. How is it that i disrespect her by being her friend when she wants to call me just to talk? Why is it that we believe that ppl are naturally evil and USE or play people? there are genuinely nice people too arent there? OR do Nice guys finish last??

 

Nothing wrong with being a girl's friend as long as you have no ulterior motives or grand schemes or hidden agendas.Can you honestly be happy for this girl or are you secretly hoping/wishing the 'rebound' crashes and she falls back to you?

[Steve 7745]

Nothing wrong with being a girl's friend as long as you have no ulterior motives or grand schemes or hidden agendas.Can you honestly be happy for this girl or are you secretly hoping/wishing the 'rebound' crashes and she falls back to you?

 

Let me pose to you this question, LE DHUY NHUT.

 

If you were happy for a girl dating someone else and having a wonderful relationship, how would that same girl feel if you suddenly starting see one of her good friends romantically? Would she be "welcoming" and "understanding" as you are asking this gentleman to be?

 

My ex had dreams where she freaked out at the thought of me having a relationship with her best friend. They scared her often. They scared her a lot because she began to worry that they might be true.

 

I guarantee, many, many girls will not be as "understanding for your happiness" as you would expect. I can recall several examples told to me by my friend Robyn, where girls in the same building liked the same guy. One girl gave him up, so another went after him. Jealousy tore the house apart.

 

It's one thing to ask this ludacris notion. It's another to expect a girl to live it.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

Uhhhh if you look through my posts on this subject you'll see that I am totally against being friends with girls you are attracted to.The post above reinforces this.I am not talking about girls living it but guys not allowing themselves to be in it in the first place.

[Steve 7745]

Uhhhh if you look through my posts on this subject you'll see that I am totally against being friends with girls you are attracted to.The post above reinforces this.I am not talking about girls living it but guys not allowing themselves to be in it in the first place.

 

Ahhh, I see. I see.

 

But I paraphrase Robert Greene from the book The Art of Seduction when I note that attraction never really "dies" when a relationship ends. It may fade to almost nothing, but somewhere in that there is always a few cinders that can be reignited with time away and the right sparks.

 

I would find it hard to believe that anyone who has invested any significant time with someone else can truly have fully noble intentions. If you've had a relationship, there's almost always a small hungering to relive the glory days.

[bfla]

He2etic, you are full of great little snippets today.

[joiboi]

Hey, i havent been on this place in a while but i decided to post becasue I went through the same thing as you.

My ex and i have dated for more than 6 years and been friends for about 7 years. She was my highschool sweet heart as well. We broke up last year march but a week later i found out she was with someone else that i knew. I found this forum and read tons of thrreads looking for healing and answers. I honestly thought she was in a rebound. Also thinking she will be back eventually. I just kept fooling my self into thinking that her and her new BF will not work out. Of course this is what I wanted my self to think. In reality, my ex was over me and detaching herself before the relationship was even over. Many times rebounds dont work out, but there are plenty of times they do work out. My ex has been with her current BF since the break up and they seem to be going strong even now. try not to make your self believe that rebounds dont work, because that would be lying to yourself. Stay strong. Time will tell if this really is a rebound or not. until then ENA!!!!