Feeling guilty.

[undercover007]

I posted earlier about how my bf just broke up with me (for the millionth time) and how ive been feeling regret for texting him (cause he wouldnt answer his phone) that he was a liar and a cheater (he hasnt cheated on me) but i was so upset that i just accused him of cheating. I told him that i hated him (i would never dare say this to him before cause i was scared how he would react) and that all ive ever done was put him first. I had a lot of anger built up from before and from the past things he has done to me.. so it just all came pouring out cause i couldnt take it anymore. I was so unbelievably angry that i just couldnt control it and the fact that he ignores me and gives me the silent treatment for days/weeks.. makes me even more angry.

 

Then when i finally get in touch with him, he turns the blame on me saying that i accused him of being a liar and a cheater and that im crazy and he doesnt want to be with a crazy gf like me. I know i shouldnt have said what i said.. but i couldnt take it anymore. Although this doesnt make it ok for me to say the things i did.. he has said far worse things to me but its ok for him to do it but not ok for me to talk back to him.

 

Some things he has said and done to me before:

He called me a "

Said that i wouldnt get anywhere in life cause i never know how to plan things.

He has threatened to call the cops on me because i kept calling him which i know was my fault.. but he would ignore me for days and it drove me nuts and he knows this.

He puts down all my friends and thinks there .

Told me i couldnt hang out with a certain friend cause she was a bad "influence."

Told me that i make him sick and that he hates me.

Said that he wanted nothing to do with me.

Told me that i have no chance with him now (ive heard this a million times).

Called me too needy and immature.

Constantly criticize me and put me down.

 

 

Then when i finally lash back at him.. im considered crazy and psycho.

And now i feel guilty cause maybe i shouldnt have said those things.

I felt so bad that i appologized and told him i regretted saying those things.

ARGRRRRRRRRR im so angry and upset right now.

[bellanicola003]

Hi! This is just a question because I've been guilty of the same, but do you think that maybe you do fly off the handle and get too emotional, such as needy, etc?

[luvs2kayak]

Regardless of what you have done, you know full well that you do not deserved to be spoken to or treated in those ways. If you had a daughter, and she had a boyfriend who did those things, what would you tell her to do? Once you answer that, you will know how to think about your own situation.

 

You deserve to be happy. Always remember that.

[undercover007]

Yeah i feel like i have turn into a very emotional and needy girl.

But before i met him, i was independent... did my own thing.. and then when we got into a relationship.. several months down the line, he would get upset cause i wouldnt see him all the time or cause i had to work and go to school. He would get mad that i wanted to go out clubbing. Made me stop talking to all my guy friends and deleted all the guys in phone. I thought he did all this cause he loved me. He use to be very controlling and possessive.. and jealous.. but he also constantly criticize me and always has to be right. He can never admit to being wrong. Now my self-esteem has shattered.. and when i need him the most, he cant even be there for me.

[bellanicola003]

Ok, so think about this...he wanted to have control over you and you let him...how old are you? And let me just say that my daughters father had complete control over me until about a year before he died, but we started dating when I was 14 years old and he passed when I was 22.

 

Remember that no one can make you do something that you don't want to do as an adult. By the time I realized that the pain and abuse had already been done and I was left searching for closure after he he was gone - part of the reason I'm here. I allowed his abuse to travel with me to a wonderful relationship, with a beautiful man that I basically ruined things with.

 

Truth be told hun...why would you let someone criticize you and and control you? It's really not healthy. What is he so insecure about? You know that's why they do that right? Because there's something wrong with them - NOT WITH YOU!

[undercover007]

I'm 22 and he is 26.

 

It's like i dont want to be with him cause he hurts me so much.. but even after all this pain hes put me through, i still miss him and still want him. He could be loving and nice.. and then he could me so mean and cruel.. its like two different people in one body.

 

Its weird cause i keep reading articles about emotionally abusive men and how they do its cause they are insecure.. which i find odd cause he acts like hes the most confident man in the world and nothing can stop him. Or is that just a cover up? I think he was abused by his father when he was younger.. maybe that has something to do with how he treats women.

[bellanicola003]

You hit the nail on the head...emotionally abusive men ACT like they are the most confident people in the world - heck, they'll even tell you that they are the best, because in reality...they really don't think so, but they WANT YOU to think that they are and that they know it!

 

Think about this...you say that he CAN be loving and nice - he should always be loving and nice and don't get me wrong...catch someone on a bad day and they won't be...that's in any relationship, but truth be told...you only miss him because I believe you really do care, but also because he's become a habit to you. This guy is 26 years old and may not change. What you have to do now is GET CONTROL of the relationship! If he's going to change, you have to initiate it and walk away. Get him thinking...believe me...he'll be back, but the question is...will you want him back after you see how a woman should really be treated?!

[undercover007]

They put on the act so well. I really feel like hes the most confident man i know.. but then again, if he was, he wouldnt have to put me down all the time to make himself feel better.

 

I'm trying to get in control but its so hard.. i feel like he has control over me still even though hes not even with me anymore. When we had a big break up last year which lasted for about a month.. i remember i was trying to move on and then i saw his myspace headline say "freedom is good." Of course that was referring to me.. and it just crushed me into a million pieces. Something so small like that hurt me so much.. and i remember feeling like even though we were broken up.. i felt like he was still haunting me and my every move.

 

I'm trying really hard to not contact him which is one of the hardest things for me to do because im so use to talking to him. Ive already made him mad by calling him over n over again.. and he said that he wants nothing to do with me He even threatened to get a restraining order on me. I feel so hurt.. i cry constantly.. but i have to hide it in front of my mom and sister so they dont think nethings wrong. Its hard to hide my emotions especially when im in so much pain. I almost just rather be dead than feel the hurt i feel right now.

 

The thing that i dont understand is that, emotionally abusive men put u down and control u as a way of lowering ur self esteem and making it so that u depend on them.. but why is it that if my ex bf constantly criticizes me and puts me down.. and then when i do break down and cry, he calls me too emotional or that im too needy and desperate And when i try to stick up for myself, he gets even more mad.. its so confusing to me. its like a no win situation.

 

But thank you so much bellanicola for ur advice and support.. u made me feel better and makes me want to not contact him even more now. How have u been since the passing of ur ex?