itsallgrand Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I apologize in advance that this may be a mish mash. Hopefully it will make sense as I go. More than anything, trying to figure out where I stand on this as of now and to make sense of it. Main idea: I'm in the process of making some big changes in my life (positive ones) and again and again, the themes of Forgiveness and Trust are popping up as the central hurdles to me moving forward. They are my main struggles now. So I'm wondering, is it even possible to move ahead when there is distrust in your heart and you have a hard time forgiving? I've worked real hard to begin to learn forgiveness. Most of my life, I'd consider on reflection that my stance has been relatively harsh, and uncompromising, and unforgiving overall. This is selfish, and has been unfair and even unkind in some cases. But I really want to clarify that the root of this judging and harshness has been at my own relative distrust of myself and others from deep inside from an early age. And when you find it hard to trust yourself, it's really hard to give that out to others. At least, that has been the case for myself. The two seem very much linked for me. In those times when I've felt most alive and happy and trusting, able to be open and real and even vulnerable - those are the times my life has had its temporary "bloomings". New jobs. New friends. Falling in love, or a relationship going smoothly overall. Good health and attention to details. All the good things in life and an openness to receive them. But because of how I've been operating, when I've felt "burned" or "scorned" or "hurt" - my way has been to lose all that trust and confidence in myself to handle situations, and an unwillingness to forgive, and anger, and this has led to the downward spirals in my life. Toying with addictions. Spending time with the wrong people. Sitting in ruts. Becoming apathetic to my health and abilities. So at this point in my life, I'm real curious about this thing of forgiving. It's been said over and over again that forgiveness isn't for someone else, it's for yourself. So does this then all lead to mean that forgiveness really is just all about yourself then? That there really isn't all that much to forgive - because what we are really doing is taking on things that are out of our control as our own anyways? For example, one thing that had me stuck was that my mom had an alcohol problem. For years, I was mad about that. And blamed her, too. And a whole slew of negative emotions and behaviors came from that. That holding that against her. But looking at it now, was it even for me to forgive? I'd have to say no. Now, knowing that I had nothing to do with it, it was simply my child eyes looking at it and seeing it in terms of how it impacted me, and making it about me (she doesn't love me, she doesn't see me, nothing I do is ever going to be good enough to make things right). And another example: my ex who cheated. That's another thing that hurt, and got me mad for a long time, and that I've found hard to forgive. But again, I was making things about me. I don't know where I'm going with this. Except that - I'd like to hear as many great suggestions for affirming one's own trust in oneself and living with a healthy sense of forgiveness (I'm really not afraid of my self becoming someone who lets others walk on her any time soon! lol just the opposite). I'm finding that my own unwillingness to let things be and to put mistakes, and even blatant hurts, into a context that isn't so black and white is holding me back. So if you can help me along this path with a nudge or a poke or an encouragement or even a tale of your own, that would be appreciated. Just thank you for listening to my ramble. I appreciate having a place to do it. Link to comment
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