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I'm lost and don't know where to go from here...

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Hello again,

Before you read this, I have to warn you that this may not make sense. My head feels like a big bowl of jumbled up spaghetti and I am dazed and confused...it doesn't even make any sense to me but thank you for reading it...


It's been about 2 1/2 months since I ended my 8 year relationship. I come to you again for advice/help please.


For those of you who don't know the details here is a rundown:


I loved him dearly (and still do). I did everything for him. I encouraged him to finish school, helped him get a good job and establish a life for himself. I thought for a while that we were on the same page. We wanted to get married and build a life together.


I thought we would be forever.


Things started "popping" up in the relationship. I found him being dishonest, and telling me 1/2 truths. During one of our "rough" patches in the relationship (we were still together and intimate) he went on an internet dating site and talked to various women - what else happened I have no idea. He never told me about this but I found out on my own - when I confronted him about it, his response was "you made me go on the site and it isn't a big deal anyways" - not a "I'm sorry I hurt you". (I only discovered THIS 3 years after it actually happened - when i found his profile online, where he also had an "intimate/sexual" profile my heart was broken into a gazillion pieces and things started to change in our relationship).


Then there were other things - his irresponsibility, immaturity and lack of ambition. He wouldn't pay his bills on time, some of his bills went into collection and soon enough he ended up with bad credit and debt collectors after him. Of course he NEVER told me any of us - I had to find out myself.


I thought I would ride it out, allow him time to talk to me about it, after all this was the man who said he wanted to marry me and have children with me. This talk never came. So okay it's not a big deal - I'll ride it out until he gets his life on track...well this never happened either...months and months went by and he didn't "change".


There were other things too - he would blame me for anything and everything that went wrong in the relationship - he never felt he had to apologize and blamed everything on me.


So why am I hear saying that I'm lost if all of these things above are true and I was the dumper - well I don't know....I'm still madly in love with him and feel very down. Despite all of this, we had a crazy connection and chemistry. We had some wonderful, amazing times and I don't think I can have that with someone else.


So I want to know: did I make a mistake? was I too picky with him?


Thank you for reading this post.

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No I don't think you were too picky. He's not ready for a serious relationship or family if he can't get his own act together. I don't know your age but you sound young enough to move on and likely meet another guy without too much problem.

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To me, it's easier to be with a person when their crap is together than when not...


When one person has their life together and the other is REALLY struggling (not just normal ups/downs), it creates an inequality... an imbalance if you will in the power between the pair.


That imbalance or inequality could lead eventually to fights that are at their base, about power, not about whatever the issue is that is being argued.


In your case, it seems like at a base level you realized you were in a different spot than he was and he was not getting his crap together.


It's hard to be the dumper - been there - not as hard as being the dumpee, but hard nonetheless.

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thanks Hope...your post is so true and we had many, many arguments that had the same root - power imbalance/his vulnerability - had we been on equal footing i know that more than 1/2 of those arguments would have never taken place...that's exactly what tears me up inside is that we love each other so much and we could have had a beautiful life together...


after we broke up, i did break NC and so did he - at one point I tried to talk to him about my feelings and why we broke up - when i brought up some of the issues he wouldn't even let me get into them because he said "im perfect and i will never change".


and yes it does hurt to be the dumper - and although i was the dumper i really feel like the DUMPEE

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I know how much of a struggle this can be shy, you don't want the spend the rest of your life wondering if you made the right decision... Wondering what if I had given him just one more chance, what if, what if, what if.... You'll drive yourself crazy thinking that way.


You made the right decision, if you had given him one more chance to get his crap together you would be stuck in that toxic relationship instead of the road to healing and finding someone who has their life together. Its hard when you end it because it seems like all you think about are the good times and the real reasons why you ended the relationship tend to fade a bit. Stick to your guns, there's nothing wrong with being with a person who isn't as financially secure as you or don't have alot of material things, but if they are so irresponsible that they don't pay their bills and expect you to pick up the slack.... well that's just toxic. He would keep using you to help him through, you would always be expected to clean up his messes.


You are doing the right thing. You can make it passed this time of weakness. Hang in there.

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IM sorry for the pain that you are going through right now

firstly my apologies english is a second language to me.

i know what your going through i recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3yrs and i know how hard it is to move on. you did the right thing by leaving him. by the looks of it he was a loser anyway (sorry my vocabulary is limited and im not that big with words)


i am very ashamed to admit this specially for a guy but i find your bf and i have a lot in common. I got used to my gf being around me all the time and i slowly took her for granted. . . . thats were it started she always gave her all but come to think about it i never gave anything back in return. i regret what i did ... yes i did go onto dating sites and yes i know thats a big no no... but i kept telling my self she pushed me into doing it. i kept telling myself that i dont feel her love for me anymore but in reality...... she was always there for me while me on the other hand would make up some Bull**** excuse not to see her and go out with mates instead.... always blaming her for starting arguments but really it was i who started it ... i feel so bad for what i did but i cant undo what i've done. all i can say is you did the right things and trust me he is now nothing with out you. he probably feels miserable and wants you back (if he does DONT DO IT tell him he had his chance "trust me nothing will hurt a mans ego more than a woman saying oyu had your chance" speaking from experiencebelieve me)... i wish you all the best in life and hopefully you will meet some one who WILL RESPECT YOU AND VALUE YOU for what your really worth. enjoy life and and do things that you always wanted to do now that your free. . . pick new hobbies . . join a gym or go away for a holiday just go out there hang out with your friends or a close family member and just have a blast. i hope this helps


p.s remember hes a loser just like me... you did the right thing.. . dont ever look back because from now on your a beautiful, single individual whose now ready for the world!


take care and all the best in life


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A loser wouldn't come here and admit to his mistakes, we all make them. I've treated some of my ex's pretty terribly and have later realized my mistakes. It takes alot of guts to come here and admit to those mistakes and regret them. I have a good feeling you will not make those same mistakes again the next time you get a chance to share your life with someone special. I know I didn't make those mistakes again, and I never treated a person like that again. I went as far as to track down some of my ex's just to apologize and when they forgave me I felt extreme relief. Thank you for being honest and try not to be so hard on yourself.


I ended up being treated just as bad as I treated some of my ex's, I guess it's karma huh?

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You don't sound picky at all. I know how it feels to be broken up with someone you've been with for so long. You put so much into it, that you feel like no one else could ever develop that kind of connection with you, but the truth of the matter is, that's not accurate at all. He was around during a period in your life, and sometimes we meet these people along they way, to help us become the people we are today. When you say you're madly in love with him, truly think about what that means. Are you in love with someone who lies, lacks ambition, blames you, is unremorseful, irresponsible, etc..? Or were you in love with the other person that lacked all of those negative characteristics? People evolve, and it seems he's evolved to someone that isn't the greatest guy for you, and you've evolved enough to notice these things. You can't see it right now because of all the history, but you can and will do better!

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I am so overwhelmed by your support. Thank you skids, a_j, and loved&lost. Reading your posts has given me strength to get through, at least for today and for that I am so thankful to you. I feel like my head has been lifted and I've taken a deep breath.


a_j, skids is right - I think it's actually very mature and responsible of you to acknowledge to yourself what you needed to and you are NOT a loser...thank you for your insight and for sharing your story too. I appreciate it.

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You are not picky or being selfish or to hard on him. If he truly loves you, why did he treat you with such dis-respect for so long? He may not even know what love is and think the way he is acting IS love and the way two people in love treat each other. It takes a big person to admit they are wrong and work to make it right. I am so sorry he isn't that person.


you know how to reach me



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