What do you do when you haven't had sex in nearly 3 years?

[violingirl]

During my last relationship, I read a book by Suzanne Schlossberg called "The Curse of the Singles Table: A True Story of 1001 Nights Without Sex." At the time, I thought the book was funny and thought that I would never end up in that kind of situation. After all, I was having plenty of mindblowing sex with my (now ex) boyfriend at the time.

 

Now, 3 1/2 years after my ex dumped me, I am in that exact situation. Even though I am in my prime and have put myself out there a lot since the breakup (I've gone on unsuccessful dates with over 40 guys since the breakup), I am embarrassed to admit that I haven't had sex for 2 years and 9 months now (the last time being a very unsatisfying one-night stand with a guy I met off an online dating site in November 2005). None, zilch, nada (and I am not counting my battery-operated friend). And I am a very sexual person. I love sex. I miss sex. I crave sex.

 

While I don't regret doing the one-night stand thing a couple of times after the breakup, I found it ultimately unsatisfying, because I felt nothing for those guys (and it didn't help that one of the guys was just very bad in bed). I even have had several opportunities to sleep with my ex-ex-boyfriend in the past couple of years, but I just don't feel attracted to him anymore, so I can never make myself go down that road. So, I find myself in a position where I have been holding out for a real relationship, but I have zero prospects and 100% sexual frustration.

 

My desire to have sex has gotten so bad that in the past week I have had several sex dreams involving: a guy from the BBC show "Top Gear" who I find attractive; a married partner from my law firm who is attractive but who I never thought about in that way before; and my ex-boyfriend (not really a sex dream, per se, but a dream that we got back together).

 

I frankly don't know what to do. Clearly, I want (and need) to have sex, but I have no prospects. Should I continue holding out for a real connection with someone, which, considering my track record, will probably never happen? Or should I find a guy to have a one-night stand with just to satisfy my sexual cravings, even though it may not be very satisfying (no emotional connection; no feelings, etc.)?

 

Mind you, I really wish that I were a normal person who could find a real relationship. It's just that I am beyond frustrated at this point.

[Loki71]

Maybe a fwb? I would try and stay away from one night stands they will just make you not really like yourslef if you don't really want them.

[Ocean of Blue]

have you tried a male escort agency ?

[lapseinjudgement]

I kinda agree with unsure there. I dont think a one night stand would be the best because as you yourself said you never really feel satisfied after them anyways.

[violingirl]

have you tried a male escort agency ?

 

Now that is just depressing.

[Loki71]

have you tried a male escort agency ?

 

Yeah I don't think I would go for that either. She is already depressed I think paying for a guy would only make that worse. If you have any male friends that are single talk to them I am sure they might be willing to help you out.

[itsallgrand]

Hi. I'm interested in hearing your responses.

 

I'm starting to feel this way, sexually frustrated to hell, and it's hard for me to even sit here reading this. It's been over a year now since I've had sex. The last time was with my ex bf.

 

Confession time or what. lol.

 

How come there are no prospects though? Has it been a rough road of dating, even finding anyone who you are interested in enough to want to pursue??

 

Are you waiting and looking for something more along the lines of a long term relationship that could lead somewhere like even marriage and family? As in, will there be no sex until there is exclusivity and commitment?

 

There is no easy answer, is there. If I had, I'd give it to you.

 

There are middle ways but you might not like them. For me, anyways, it's important not to compromise for sex. Not now.

 

But there may be things you can do to get yourself closer to what it is you need and want. Without losing any of yourself in the process.

 

You are young, and in your prime - what is this you are saying about not being a normal person able to have a regular relationship? Do you feel all good with yourself and capable of having a healthy relationship?

 

You mention your track record, and there seems to be some resignation there to not being able to get what you need and want in a relationship...like it's just not in the cards for you. Do you feel that way?

 

Or is your problem being one more of finding the right guy to be with now?

[chopperboy]

I just want to say that I'm in the same boat as you. I'm also holding out for sex with love and intimacy. Random sex is easy to get, but it makes me feel skanky. Hang in there and keep dating. I think the wait will be worth it, as frustrating as it is.

[violingirl]

I haven't had any luck with men for 3 1/2 years now. There have been more than several men I have had first dates with who I would have liked to continue to date, but they obviously didn't feel the same way because I never heard from them again. Also, a couple of months ago I met someone I was attracted to via a link removed activity group, and even though we kissed once and I gave him my number, I never heard from him. So, at this point I don't think that a loving relationship is in the cards for me. I feel like I have tried everything in the past 3 1/2 years, and it has gotten me nowhere.

 

I do feel like I am capable of having a loving, healthy relationship. I have a lot of love to give. It's just that no one wants it. Men don't even give me a chance, most likely because I am not anywhere near thin and beautiful (I am pretty average looking with a few extra pounds - I have lost some weight in the past 6 months and men still don't notice me).

 

Ideally, I want to have sex only in the context of an exclusive relationship. Of course, that is a moot point right now.

[itsallgrand]

Ok, but that's just a rough spell in dating.

 

Are you going to give up then?

 

Nooo!!!

 

Maybe it's New York. lol. Kidding...sort of. Isn't it notorious for being a banaza for single men and hard as heck for women?

 

I don't know. Others here are more gurus of success in dating. But there might be something that can be tweaked.

 

You've got too much to give up at 32!

[Loki71]

I do feel like I am capable of having a loving, healthy relationship. I have a lot of love to give. It's just that no one wants it. Men don't even give me a chance, most likely because I am not anywhere near thin and beautiful (I am pretty average looking with a few extra pounds - I have lost some weight in the past 6 months and men still don't notice me).

 

Ideally, I want to have sex only in the context of an exclusive relationship. Of course, that is a moot point right now.

 

I know what it's like to think you will never find someone. I went through the same but for a longer period of time (5 years). What I found out for me was I was trying to hard. If you try to hard it can come accross as desprite and that can turn men off. Maybe you need to stop trying for awhile like I did. I quit looking then BAM I found someone out of the blue. I know it's hard when your alone and want someone but it can happen. As for your looks there are men that are not just into looks. be yourself and when you find someone they will like you for that and that is the one you want to be with both in a relationship and sexually.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

have you tried a male escort agency ?

 

Well, not much difference anyway between an escort and a one night stand. It is still about having sex with a stranger. Why should satisfying sexual needs be free when satisfying hunger by eating food is not free. Everything else we want in life is not free, so why should satisfying sexual needs be free. In the confines of a relationship sex is not really free because there are responsibilities inherent in being in a relationship. One night stands are freebies...but with most freebies you don't know what you get...you might get a disease, you might get someone who is married or in a relationship etc. In other words, you get what you pay for. With escorts, if you go to higher end escorts, I believe they are checked out...again, you get what you pay for. So if sex is that much of a priority that a random person off the street would do, then I would think it is better to pay for the service and at least know what you are getting.

 

Ideally, however, it is best to wait until someone worthwhile comes along and in the meantime just go solo. Plenty of people have to suck it up and deal with less than ideal situations...not having sex for a few years is not the end of the world.

[violingirl]

Maybe this has been on my mind more lately, because I am going to turn 33 in 3 weeks and feel bad about still not having anyone special in my life. I don't know. I can deal with being alone for a while and have no problem spending time by myself, but it's now been so long since I have been with someone that I feel sexless and don't even feel like a desirable woman.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Maybe this has been on my mind more lately, because I am going to turn 33 in 3 weeks and feel bad about still not having anyone special in my life. I don't know. I can deal with being alone for a while and have no problem spending time by myself, but it's now been so long since I have been with someone that I feel sexless and don't even feel like a desirable woman.

 

Of course you are desirable...you just haven't met someone who is right for you. I have seen plenty of women who are absolutely nothing to look at and yet they are desired by someone. Just because you haven't met the right one doesn't make you undesirable. Does going to university necessarily make someone smart...does not going to university means the person is stupid. Having or not having something doesn't define who you are...it is what you yourself make of your life and how you feel internally that is important. You don't feel desirable because you are basing your notion of desirability on whether or not you are in a relationship. Not a good barometer. You can feel sexy and desirable by changing your mindset about yourself and focusing on all of your wonder attributes (not just physical attributes). You can't control the fact that you have not met someone you click with yet...but you can control how you let it affect you.

[jojesse]

Maybe this has been on my mind more lately, because I am going to turn 33 in 3 weeks and feel bad about still not having anyone special in my life. I don't know.

 

I know how you feel about being single and not having someone special in your life. It can get very lonely when I have no one to share my life with, especially when all my friends are in serious, long term relationships.

 

I haven't had sex in over 2 years. I'm positive that I can't/don't want to have sex or even sexual intimacy with someone outside of a committed relationship, so ONS and FWB are not even options for me. On top of that, it takes a lot for me to fall for someone...so you can imagine how incredibly frustrated I am.

[Batya33]

VG wanted to say first that I really enjoyed that book. Y'know it reminds me of when I used to diet a lot and I really wanted that chocolate cake or whatever but when I had it I ended up not liking it as much and feeling overfull even though I was sure I would love it. I do think that for better or for worse sex is satisfying to you only in a relationship (despite wishing it were different). So, I think you hang in there. Look, I went without for seven years before my first time (from the time I wanted to till the time I did) and following "my heart" ended up working out better (even though the first time was not the best by far).

Please don't give up on finding a partner.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe this has been on my mind more lately, because I am going to turn 33 in 3 weeks and feel bad about still not having anyone special in my life. I don't know. I can deal with being alone for a while and have no problem spending time by myself, but it's now been so long since I have been with someone that I feel sexless and don't even feel like a desirable woman.

 

That makes sense to me. Birthdays and all can bring up stuff.

 

So I hope when it rolls around, you have a really good one. You deserve it.

[Loki71]

I say you need a boy toy lol go find a 20 year old and show him why women hit their prime later in life.

 

J/K just wanted to make you laugh a little thought you could use it.

[Jetta]

I have an idea for you. Make a list of what you're looking for in a guy so the Universe knows what to bring to you. You obviously get dates. I can't believe one of those guys didn't work out. When you make the list keep in mind your attritibutes and detriments. It works. Takes a few months but it works. In the meantime I don't know what to tell you because I'm missing the feel of a man myself, but I have to focus on college.

[DaBladeRoden]

Talk to the guy who hasn't had sex in 24 years.

[violingirl]

I know what it's like to think you will never find someone. I went through the same but for a longer period of time (5 years). What I found out for me was I was trying to hard. If you try to hard it can come accross as desprite and that can turn men off. Maybe you need to stop trying for awhile like I did. I quit looking then BAM I found someone out of the blue. I know it's hard when your alone and want someone but it can happen. As for your looks there are men that are not just into looks. be yourself and when you find someone they will like you for that and that is the one you want to be with both in a relationship and sexually.

 

Thanks. I have gone through periods in the past few years where I have "stopped trying" to find someone, and, still, nothing happens. No "BAM" moments for me, unfortunately. I don't think I come off as desperate - when I meet a guy in person, I am pretty low key and allow him to make the moves, if any, etc.

[violingirl]

VG wanted to say first that I really enjoyed that book. Y'know it reminds me of when I used to diet a lot and I really wanted that chocolate cake or whatever but when I had it I ended up not liking it as much and feeling overfull even though I was sure I would love it. I do think that for better or for worse sex is satisfying to you only in a relationship (despite wishing it were different). So, I think you hang in there. Look, I went without for seven years before my first time (from the time I wanted to till the time I did) and following "my heart" ended up working out better (even though the first time was not the best by far).

Please don't give up on finding a partner.

 

Thanks, Batya. You are most likely right that I should wait until I find someone I genuinely like. I have just hit such a point of frustration with everything. Nothing has gone well with my love life for so long that I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel defeated and worn down by all of the disappointments/hurts/failures/rejections. I miss being in a relationship, but how can I maintain hope of finding someone when all I experience is failure and rejection?

[violingirl]

That makes sense to me. Birthdays and all can bring up stuff.

 

So I hope when it rolls around, you have a really good one. You deserve it.

 

Thanks, itsallgrand.