Extremely Complicated; seeking outsider perspective.

[JEB]

I'll try to keep this simple.

I'm 38, female, married, 2 kids. Indifferent marriage; but I stay for the kids.

My best friend is a 24 y/o male; unmarried. If soul mates exist, he would

be mine. Unfortunately, he moved 10 hrs away for grad school and a job. He's been dating a girl for about 7 mo.- she's steered clear in the past- but she agreed to meet me about a month ago.

When I saw them standing next to each other (even though he claims she is "not the one")- I felt sad. I foresee myself being crushed when he does find "the one".

Has anyone felt like this?

How did it pan out for you?

I don't know what I'm looking for- but it feels better to get it out there.

[Karmageddon]

It just seems like that b/c you are looking from the outside in. You will read a lot of posts on here from people who have been left so their SO could be with their "soulmate"...well then a little time goes by and reality sets in.

 

Things will be great for a while then when the honeymoon phase is over is when the poop really hits the fan. I would try not to let this rent to much space in your head. It's counter productive.

[junebirthday]

Hi JEB,

 

It sounds like the movie "My Bestfriend's Wedding." Sadly, the movie didn't end in favor of the "best friend."

 

Seriously, you need to take two steps back and be a good friend and let him live his life. You only think he's your soul mate because you cannot have him. It's all part of nature's horrible plot to keep us believing the grass is greener on the other side.

 

I think your "indifferent marriage" needs attention. I think that instead of putting the relatively easy focus outside of yourself and the marriage, you are focusing instead on something unattainable but undeniably more exciting.

 

Redirect and ask yourself what you can do to either strengthen your marriage or move on (if there's no saving anything). But by all means, realize that the "soulmate" is a fantasy. It's your escape mechanism for not wanting to deal with what's inside you and what needs to be dealt with (your marriage).

 

hope this helps

 

T

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I absolutely agree with JuneBirthday. This 24 year old is your fantasy...almost like you wish you were 24 again and could do things differently...but you are not...you are 38 and you made the choice to marry who you did, have children and then stay in an empty marriage. You could make other choices...leave the marriage and rebuild your life (your children can get just as messed up watching their parents muddle through a loveless marriage as watching their parents divorce and then be much happier), or work on making your marriage happier (providing your husband also wants the same thing). Perhaps it is time for you to put some distance between yourself and this young man so that you can focus on what you need to do in your life.

[itsallgrand]

I don't even understand how this young guy got to be your best friend?

 

That made me sad for you. To be honest.

 

That it isn't your hubby who is your best friend. Or a woman who you have shared a lot of life's up and downs with.

 

But a young man who has a gf and off to school. How did that happen?

 

This could be just the kick in the chest you've needed to start making some changes. You sound very unhappy. It doesn't have to be that way. You get a choice.

 

When did you resign yourself to this life? A year ago? Two? How long have you been unhappy?

[JEB]

Sure, as we get older we all wish to some degree we were young again. When I am with my friend we don't do "young" things. We just spend time together.

So, I am not living vicariously through him.

 

As for being depressed. Sure, and medicated for 20 years. My husband is a good man. But after 13 years together we've grown increasingly more apart; we both know it. We don't fight; but have very little common ground. He doesn't know my BF; and doesn't care to know him.

 

I met my BF when he was an Undergrad and I was in Grad. Same department.

We clicked. It just works. He is very mature and extremely intelligent. I've known him 4 years. 2 of the 4 were as BF. We didn't get closer until after he dumped his last girlfriend. She was very skeptical about our relationship.

 

I guess I'm afraid I will fall in love. But I don't want to cut ties because of fear; he's done more good for my persona than harm.

 

I just would like to know what others perceive.

Yes, I love that move Best Friend's Wedding- except Julia's character wasn't married.

[Seraphim]

You are IN LOVE..you just do not know it. He is young, let him live his life.

[JEB]

You are IN LOVE..you just do not know it. He is young, let him live his life.

 

Maybe.

 

He does live his life. I'm definitely not involved in everything- otherwise I'd be shirking my responsibilities at home.

I'm so unclear to the path I've taken. Its uncharted water for me.

[junebirthday]

The more you talk about him the more you convince yourself (not us) that he's a keeper. What would you like us to tell you? That it's OK to keep entertaining thoughts of this guy until one or both of you makes the mistake. You say you have so much in common with this guy, but do you? You're a married woman, he's not. you've got kids, he doesn't. he's young. you're not. My point is, you have created a fantasy version of yourself and in that fantasy you're more like him. It's a form of narcissism. Read up on projection and creating fantasy versions of ourselves and all that fun stuff. It might point you in the direction you need to go, as opposed to the direction you want to go.

[tangi39]

You have a myopic idea of who he is.

I'm sure you have fun with him. But imagine how different he would be to live with. I'm sure you'd discover he has things that irritate you as much as anyone. And over time, I'm sure you'd experience some level of boredom with him as well.

He seems like a good match for you because it's a total fantasy.

I say let him be and work on your marriage.