Nice guy vs player

[Mustang]

Does anybody else agree that it's VERY hard to get the balance right?

 

I was super nice to my ex and in the end I became a bit of a bore I guess you could say. I was no longer a challenge. I realise that I need to be more of a man about things and not let a girl rule my life and I have since started to view myself as number one.

 

The thing is, since taking up this idea I've noticed a change in me and the way in which girls talk with me. In the last few months I've been going out, getting numbers and flirting with a lot of girls left, right and centre. It's been fun and it's been great after all the pain I went through with my ex.

 

However, recently, I met up with a girl and she kept making little remarks about how I'm a "player", a "smooth talker", a "womaniser" and that I have "a game plan". I don't want to be walked over by being super nice but then again, it seems things are going the other way now and I appear to be a sleazy guy who only wants sex! It's so annoying. It seems I can't win!

 

I can flirt quite comfortably and I get on really well with girls but when I turn nice on them they get bored and if I keep the flirting going and ask them out, they get put off because they think I'm just using them.

 

Anybody else have this trouble?

 

PS - What on earth do you get for a girl for her birthday who you've known for a few months but have only been out on one official "date"?

[Rising]

Hmm

 

This balance is definitely hard to attain. If you are too nice you don't get attention or you are seen as a pushover. If you are overly confident and talking your way into their pants then you are a player.

 

I think some girls throw the 'you are a player' line out there just to see a guy's reaction to it. If the guy gets really defensive or objects too strongly then she's hit a nerve and likely right about her guess. If he doesn't respond to it or laughs it off then she can feel a little more secure in the idea that this guy may just be confident but still a decent guy.

 

If you work a little of both in then maybe you'll find a nice middle ground. Be a nice guy but don't let the ladies forget that you have desire/confidence. You could also make sure that when you are flirting and trying to ask them out that it's clear that you aren't just trying to get them naked. Talk about the things that you'd like to do with them outside of the bedroom and they might reconsider their labels.

 

 

PS - Sounds like a good gift would be to take her out on another date for her birthday. I've never been the type of person to give someone a present just because the calendar told me it was the right day to buy something for them. Letting her get dressed up, you dressing up for her, and taking her out on the town would be plenty fine for a bday present in my opinion.

[pace of ace]

This is interseting. My ex once said to me that she didn't feel she had to work for me as i was always so nice to her.

 

I really don't get people some times!?

[pace of ace]

apologies for the spelling. "intersting" One too many shandy's last night. haha

[Comeback_Kid]

Player. Girls love them, they RESPOND to them, and nice guys are BORING; never let anyone tell you otherwise. Look at guys who get laid; you'll know exactly how to be Good luck brother

[Hunny1607307342]

If you are acting like a player and you arent really a player at heart a girl who gets close to you will always figure that out eventually because she will get to know you. So at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if someone thinks you are a player or womaniser etc.!

[EmilyJayne]

Mustang - When the right girl comes along then your player side AND your nice guy side will be a big turn-on for her. That's probably how you'll know she's the one.

 

A little female perspective for you... As a woman, why do I want a kind & gentle guy but still find myself attracted to the bad boy/player type?

 

I just spent a few hours mulling over a similar question to myself after making the terrible decision to "reconcile" with my ex. He is wrestling with a player image and a nice guy image. He has two of us he "plays" most often

depending on where his self assessment lies at the moment (it changes every 6 months).

 

But I digress... why do women respond to a player? (I don't 100% agree with this mentality, but DO, in all honesty, find myself wrestling with a subscription to it.)

 

1) The basic drive for survival.

The player is an expert at getting what he wants. Subconsciously, a woman equates the ability to be saavy in that area of life to a man's ability to succeed in other challenging areas of life (hunter/gatherer, real estate negotiations, defending ones home, etc). We may not be living in caves anymore, but its still a wild & crazy world we live in... and having a partner who will fight to get what he wants is a turn-on and a good indicator of strength.

 

2)Women love the thought of being "the one".

Isn't this why players succeed in their playing even after a woman realizes what he's doing? In the woman's mind, SHE is going to be "the one" who tames him. The idea/fantasy of conquering the conquestidor is a tantalizing image that motivates women to ignore the wisodm of their inner voice (and the voices of their friends) and sacrifice their self-respect to gain this "title" (even if it exists only in their own mind). Personally, I thought I was "the one" for my ex so this is really hitting home for me right now. I'm reminded of Anne Boleyn... an ambitious woman who bought into this fantasy and we all know how her story ended.

 

So where does Mr. Nice Guy factor into our formula for attraction?

Women crave the dependable love and affection of a "good guy". The man who showers us with affection, loyalty and devotion. He's reliable, responsible, kind and gentle. He's the man who helps us change diapers and make dinner. He'll be there to counsel our children as they grow up. He's a good friend, brother, son and husband (or at least does his best to be, no one's perfect).

 

Women need a balance of both types of man to feel satisfied in their relationships. The right balance is always going to be based on the individual woman.

[Batya33]

I think your post equates "nice" with non-assertive. I don't think it's particularly nice to be non-assertive if the motive is to get approval from the other person. I also don't think it's "nice" to manipulate the way you behave to the extent you are doing it - too many people equate "being yourself" with "letting it all hang out" (I do not; being yourself may mean being cautious or reserved when you're getting to know someone, or many different things) -- but on the other hand you're probably coming accross as too fake for comfort (comfort of the other person in deciding to get to know you).

[boo121]

Just be yourself, and you'll find a balance.

[morgane]

Player. Girls love them, they RESPOND to them, and nice guys are BORING; never let anyone tell you otherwise. Look at guys who get laid; you'll know exactly how to be Good luck brother

 

DEAD WRONG. i love nice/shy men and that seems to be the only kind of men that i am attracted too, none of this macho bullsheet

[jcrisph]

Nice guys arent boring.Nice guys are nice. Im a nice guy and i have no problem finding dates and what not.Girls always ask me to hang out and have a good time. If i was boring this would never happen.

[morgane]

Nice guys arent boring.Nice guys are nice. Im a nice guy and i have no problem finding dates and what not.Girls always ask me to hang out and have a good time. If i was boring this would never happen.

 

hahaha see! nice men are not boring, they're perfect, you're a great example for the other men to follow.

[Panda2008]

Nice guys arent boring.Nice guys are nice. Im a nice guy and i have no problem finding dates and what not.Girls always ask me to hang out and have a good time. If i was boring this would never happen.

 

Exactly. Perfectly possible to find a nice guy with charisma.

[Raistlin]

I've been "friend zoned" quite a few times because I seem "too nice" or a "pushover" or etc. What a lot of women don't realize is that they put a lot of perception into one instance... usually that first impression.

 

If a nice guy can hold himself highly and still be confident, he'll usually score a number/date. Most nice guys are too shy to show a level of confidence that most women are looking for, so they get overlooked (me). However, that same guy can make quite a few female friends and then take them all by storm, and raise some eyebrows (me =D)

 

A player knows what he wants and knows how to get it. This guy is usually incredibly overconfident and comes off as a jerk. But making women feel as if they're not needed but still important is what this type of guy does best. And young(er) women usually want to turn this guy into a nice guy, and "conquer the conquistador" as was stated before. Most mature women realize that this is all a bunch of showmanship and learn to recognize the better qualities they're looking for, and what type of guy shows these qualities off.

[jcrisph]

I've been "friend zoned" quite a few times because I seem "too nice" or a "pushover" or etc. What a lot of women don't realize is that they put a lot of perception into one instance... usually that first impression.

 

Thats what i run into alot of times too.

[Raistlin]

Lately, I've been showing more outward confidence, even though I don't really feel it.

 

Last night, I just told this girl I like.. that I'm attracted to her. She responded by saying she likes my friend... who just had a baby with his gf on Friday... yeah, pretty awkward.

 

But! I did it. And I've also been talking with another girl who told me she has a "secret" crush on me and wants to "get me drunk and take advantage of me". The only problem - she's a lesbian.

 

Awkward much? o.O

 

So I guess it just boils down to just showing a level of confidence that appeals to women, even if you're the nice guy. That's what I did after months of being down after my break up, and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

[ghost69]

if you are nice but have that don't give a crap attitude, that's the balance. you don't have to be a ****, but you can't put all of your attention into one girl. not until you are exclusive. also, you still have to do your own thing.

 

the way i look at it is i go for a girl, she doesn't want anything to do with me, oh well, next. no pouting, no whining, no emotional anything, move on.

[grymoire]

He's reliable, responsible, kind and gentle. He's the man who helps us change diapers and make dinner. He'll be there to counsel our children as they grow up. He's a good friend, brother, son and husband (or at least does his best to be, no one's perfect).

 

Wow... this is really hilarious....

 

Yup... you need bad boys with whom you will sleep when you are young... and then you grow old and need the good guys to change your kids diaper

[boo121]

the way i look at it is i go for a girl, she doesn't want anything to do with me, oh well, next. no pouting, no whining, no emotional anything, move on.

 

thats hit the nail on the head there. and the irony of that is girls usually start paying attention when you move on quickley. counter intuitive stuff

[My Advice]

moragane however you are probably in the minority by expressing that kind of maturity. I don't think women like men who are outright abusive but they do like challenging men they don't entirely trust.

[My Advice]

I think it is important that while being "too nice" is a turn off for many girls while many are attracted to the player or bad boy, that isn't every woman. There are women who have better priorities and more maturity.

[jcrisph]

if you are nice but have that don't give a crap attitude, that's the balance. you don't have to be a ****, but you can't put all of your attention into one girl. not until you are exclusive. also, you still have to do your own thing.

 

the way i look at it is i go for a girl, she doesn't want anything to do with me, oh well, next. no pouting, no whining, no emotional anything, move on.

 

AMEN BRO....this is def. the right balance