Getting over it: Ever Experience these Stages?

[lovedlost]

So, if you read my initial blog, I was in a long relationship, about 9 years, engaged, he left me a week before i was to move in with him, and said he needed space. I moved to where he was living, but haven't seen him in a year or spoke to him. he walked out w/o a trace....after 9 years...wow. anyway, i heard he's seeing someone else, and frankly it makes me sick everytime i think about it. Anyway, I've been doing my best trying to get through, grow, move on, etc.. Obviously it's an up and down process, and i wonder if the stages i am going through are common to anyone else.

 

1. Insomnia - still finding it hard to sleep.

 

2. Wanting to go out to parties or outings all the time (I'm usually a homebody). I'm uneasy if i'm in the house too long.

 

3. Date other people, and take it hard when it doesn't work. Look for commonalities to your ex. Was getting to know this guy, he seemed like a good catch, but he started pulling away as we got closer, and now i'm feeling like my heart is closing in on me again. Wondering why I'm taking it so hard.

 

Did anyone ever experience this? If so, what did you do, or are you doing about it?

[fivespot]

Yes, yes and yes. What do I do about it? I've learned to accept that this is part of my life for a while.

 

I have been able to get my sleeping and eating habits under control. Usually I stay up so late that my body starts falling asleep as I try to fight it. That's when I know to go to bed. If not, I'll lie in bed for hours listening to my heart racing.

 

I'm different in that I've become a shut-in. I used to love being social and I loved going out...I had the best summer last year with my ex. This year, I'm numb and I haven't been out of the house since the winter. Well, I've gone out here and there, but I'm usually miserable. Visiting friends does help to pass time along, though, and it gets me distracted from the pain every now and then.

 

I don't date anyone else, because I BELIEVE she's coming back to me. When I stop believing that, that's when I'll start dating again. I've already dated a few girls, but I got so depressed when it didn't work out, or they weren't my type, or they were nothing like my ex...I was even more miserable. No, I think I'll be miserable by myself for a while.

 

I have to say, I really made a lot of progress in 6 months of complete NC. I'm beginning to accept the fact that I'll probably never see her again, but there are little things that happen now and then that still give me hope.

 

Even if she did come back, my friends and family would probably disown me for taking her back...she was a REALLY BAD girlfriend and no one really liked her except me.

 

But we'll see what happens. My new year's resolution was to have an ex-less 2008 and I've doing a very good job. I haven't talked to her all year, even though she used to call and text me all the time...guilty conscience I guess and wanted to stay friends.

 

Well, that's my story. Hope it helps you a little bit, anyway. I feel bad to hear about your story, especially about 9 years, engaged, etc...it can't be easy.

 

Just know if you friends and fam are unavailable, you've got all the support in the world here.

 

Good luck to you!

[hisoldflame]

l&l--

 

i so feel your pain. i was in it 13 years, and i know just how you feel.

 

the insomnia thing does eventually go away--your body will force you to sleep ultimately. but it's hard at first. see if you can sit quietly and just breathe, to calm yourself and help yourself relax so you can sleep. if you don't sleep, your emotions are even more intensified. play music you like or do yoga if you're into it. anything to relax.

 

i was more like fivespot in that i totally went hermit. but you are younger than me, and getting out might be more reassuring and keep you from feeling very lonely. it's good to try and connect with people, but also important to take that alone time and get used to it. analyze things a bit. first it's lonely, but then it can become liberating. you have your time and space again, which can really help you grow and get more confident. you change a lot from 20-28, and that can be really good.

 

it's also been a year since the split for me and i'm in a new relationship but am having a tough time with it. it's hard getting used to a new person. beyond just comparing them to your ex, you're just used to doing things a certain way, and getting used to a new routine or lifestyle feels very foreign. it's hard to escape your past. i think it's important to really get some space in there before you get into a new relationship. i definitely think i need a cool-out period from this guy. there are some great things about him, but it doesn't seem either one of us are ready for this, plus there are some things about him that bug me. somehow, seeing this next relationship not working well is more upsetting on some level. i don't know if it's because you feel you failed again or just you won't be able to give of/love the same way again.

[Zeitgeist]

3. Date other people, and take it hard when it doesn't work. Look for commonalities to your ex. Was getting to know this guy, he seemed like a good catch, but he started pulling away as we got closer, and now i'm feeling like my heart is closing in on me again. Wondering why I'm taking it so hard.

Just wanted to comment on this one thing. If you remember, I'm still waiting for a girl to get over her ex of 5 years. I'm thinking that at least part of it is that you feel that moving on would somehow mean that the past 9 years of your life were wasted. And so then there's this conflict between wanting to move on, and not wanting to feel like 9 years of life went up in a puff of smoke.

 

And if this is the case, then I'd like to offer this: even if you move on, those 9 years were not wasted. No matter who he is now, you had 9 years of wonderful memories. That can never be taken away. Not only that, your 9 year relationship also helped to shape you into the person you are today. And if you feel that you are a decent human being today, then you should be grateful that those 9 years helped you become who you are. But then you also have to let it go. To realize that maybe, just maybe, it's not the end, but a beginning. A beginning to something possibly better. But only if you are able to look back without regret and without longing. Look back and realize that those 9 years were not a waste, but a gift.

[lapseinjudgement]

Reading this makes my heart ache so much. Mine was 14 years, my one and only. How come relationships end? How can love ends?

 

i agree with you. Im a wreck after 5 years i can imagine 14. I ask myself all the time how can this be happening but there is no answer in the world that would make me feel better im afraid.

[yankeefan74]

loved & lost - other than the dating other people thing, i was right there with you.

 

I didn't eat much, or sleep much for a couple of weeks. I had to stop working out because i just didn't have the energy to get through the day, and push myself to complete a workout. I simply wasn't eating enough.

 

#2 on your list is a big thing for me now. Even if i just go to the store and look around, I try to get out of the house...when i'm home, i feel very uneasy. That's starting to subside a bit. Spending time with friends helps...this board obviously helps...I don't have a lot of party animal type friends anymore, and i'm not that way - so that doesn't appeal to me. But happy hours are great...until you get your fill of seeing other happy couples. lol

 

I have experienced many of the same things you are...you're certainly not alone, as the responses here prove.

[istillluvu06]

No you are defiatley not alone in any of the things you're going through. I went through this last fall/winter, now again with same person. This time I think it's forever. If I could just get rid of that small shred of hope that someday we will be together again it would help. But my heart won't let it go. I keep believing that if there is real love somehow 2 people can find their way back after time and healing.

That is just wishful thinking like out of the movies like "the notebook". My problem is that I am hopeless romantic I think.

In my case I am not only suffering through the heartbreak, I have also suffered a serious financial problem because of this, Don't have a car right now. So I am feeling more trapped than ever and not able to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

The rollercoaster of emotions is unbearable sometimes and they can change from minute to minute hour to hour. Sometimes I just sit and stare at the tv, like I'm parlyzed. Anyways I think we are all going through the same things.

The only people who understand how you REALLY feel are ones going through it.

It's very hard for someone to understand what the pain is like if they havent gone through it.

I realize I need to move from this area, this town is too small, so I am going to work towards that goal by next spring.

Right now I am so overwhelmed with the heartbreak and missing my ex it's hard to take care of all the serious problems that are going on in my life. Being unemployed and w/o a car on top of all this is unbelievable He left me at the worst possible time in my life.

Anyways I am sharing cause I guess we can all relate. If you go pack to my posts from last year it was horrible then and its horrible now. I just never thought I would be going through this again with the same person, I thought finally this is it, and it wasnt. Getting back together takes alot more work and definatley counseling. Not only is there baggage from the past but then there are new problems and resentments that will surface if not taken care of.

I thank God for this site ENA and everyone on here. They've saved my life more than once!!

[lovedlost]

Thank you for your response. I liked the quote you have as your signature, about willingness to let go of the life we planned, to accept the life waiting for us. It's very true. I heard a ministry today in which the word was about our predetermined course (methaphorical). It talked about how we all are meant to achieve a certain purpose in life, and how we may get off course and experience hurdles, bumps, etc..., but we eventually will get past the hurdle and get to the higher purpose for our lives. sometimes the person we thought we were meant to be with is, infact, the hurdle. I'm realizing that now. It's hard to see it when there is no one in the picture to take the place of the ones we thought would be around forever, but we still have to trust that it will happen.

 

It's true that no one really understands what it is to go through this, unless they've experienced it themselves. I have my up and I have my down days. It's been a year, but still doesn't feel that long. I'm now figuring out that a partner in a relationship should not complete me, but add to the completeness that I already have. Thus, if a relationship does not work out, it may hurt, however, I shouldn't be an incomplete person afterwards. We all should bring 100% to a relationship for a total of 200%, and so if it doesn't work out, we are still left completely whole. So, i've been trying to focus on doing things that make me happy-alone, and being a happy and whole person when the person i'm destined to be with comes into play.

 

I am like you, and I am a hopeless romantic. A part of me still feels like I am meant to be with my ex, and that we needed to separate for a while, and that eventually he will find his way back into my life. this may or may not be true, but still, that's how strong i feel our connection was. However, i can't wait around to see this come into fruition, because no one knows what life has in store for us. I just have to prepare myself for either outcome, and I hope this helps you with your healing as well.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through what you're going through. Work on finding a job, and improving your financials. It's hard, but you can endure. We only go through things that we are strong enough to handle. Good luck, and thank you for your advice. I hope i've helped you as well.

[lovedlost]

Yankee, thanks for your words. Yeah, it was hard for me to eat or sleep at all the first month. After I started getting my appetite back, I was just finding it uneasy as well to stay in the house alone. It would force me to think about him, and how he was no longer in my life. I'm not a party animal type either, and would go out every now and again when we were together, but would be perfectly happy staying in, inviting friends over, or just snuggling and watching a good movie. Now, I feel like my life is passing me by when i'm in the house. it's weird. I don't know why I get this feeling, but I just feel that he has moved on, and if I don't get out there, i'll be alone forever. It's silly, but that's just how i feel.

 

BTW, I'm from ny also. been in the dc metro area since the breakup. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps knowing i'm not crazy or alone.

[lovedlost]

First I want to say congrats on the 6 months of NC. It sounds weird to say, but it is a big hurdle to get over. I am almost at 12 months of NC. This is the person that I spoke to or saw about 3-4 times a day. to go from that to nothing at all has eaten away at me for this entire time. Not to know if he's eating, sleeping, or breathing has been the worst. I commend you on getting to this point. at 6 months I was still a wreck, but believe me, it gets easier. Never completely goes away, but it definitely gets easier.

 

About your family and friends disowning you if you ever took her back, please try not to think about that. I feel the same way, but at some point, you gotta live your own life. I know my family and friends would think I was the biggest idiot if i took him back, just because of the way in which he ended things. I've heard them say that he is dead to them. However, i know that he was a good guy to me while we were together, and 9 years is a long time to be a great guy, which makes it very difficult to forget that over one incident. Anyway, I say all that to say, if it ever does work out that you two get back together, don't worry about what friends and family have to say. If it's good for you, it should be good for them as well.

 

Thank you again for sharing your story with me.

[lovedlost]

loved&lost - I read some of your past posts just now, and I just want to give you a hug.

 

{{{{HUG}}}}

 

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.

 

Thanks Izzy. I appreciate the hug, and your support. It means a lot.

[istillluvu06]

Gosh I wish I was that far ahead in NC. It scares me that it's been along time for you guys and your still feeling it pretty much, the pain I mean.

I just want this to be over. I really do.

Maybe I'm in anger stage, don't really know just damn tired of it.

Thanks for the uplifting comments loved&lost Yes it's pretty hard right now. It's hard for us all in very different ways..... But the heartbreak is always the same feeling...SUX!!!

[lovedlost]

Thank you Zeitgeist. I agree that the 9 years has helped me to be the person i am today. There are many things I learned from my relationship. I do have my days where i'm angry because I have up so much of myself, and now have to start all over with someone.

 

I think that any new relationship thus far makes me feel upset when it doesn't work out because after the breakup I've doubted myself so much. it's like I wondered what was wrong with me that my ex was so able to walk out and not look back after all this time. Why he thought i was so dispensible, and has not even missed me enough to write a single email, or make a single phone call. So, I was starting to see a new guy, and all of a sudden he started pulling away, and it took me back to that feeling again. The feeling of what is wrong with me, and why is it so easy for people to walk away from me. I'm usually a very confident person, but this has been one of the lower points in my life. I've second guessed myself, because I was walked out on. Since this is such a fresh wound, i'm easily wounded these days. I don't ever want to go down that road again.

[lovedlost]

Gosh I wish I was that far ahead in NC. It scares me that it's been along time for you guys and your still feeling it pretty much, the pain I mean.

I just want this to be over. I really do.

Maybe I'm in anger stage, don't really know just damn tired of it.

Thanks for the uplifting comments loved&lost Yes it's pretty hard right now. It's hard for us all in very different ways..... But the heartbreak is always the same feeling...SUX!!!

 

ISLU, I don't want you to think that after a year, i'm still at the same stage. I can definitely look back on day 1, and now, and literally thank God for the progress i've made. I really wanted to die from the pain i was feeling. I was totally numb to everything around me. Now, I'm continuing to grow, experience life, and get to know me. Don't get me wrong, i have my days in which I'm saddened to think about what i lost with us, but i'm much more hopeful, and definitely functional, which is way more than I can say about myself this time last year. You will note your progress and growth everyday. I used to keep a journal and write about how I was feeling. A few months ago, I read the journals, and felt how bad off I was, and I knew I had come very far from that point. It's slow sometimes, but it is a progression. Please be hopeful. If I can make it through, I feel anyone can. I haven't had the worst experience in the world, but it was definitely not an easy one. I try to smile and laugh as often as I can, and to imagine what my next great experience will be. It keeps me going. In the meantime, and most importantly, I try to work on myself. Things I want to improve, things I want to change, things i want to experience. It helps me to not focus on what i had, but on what I will have.

[SchecterGuy]

So after 5.5 years in a relationship and two months out here are my results.

 

Friggin wreck.

I want to fill the void, but I literally find no girls attractive. I have lost the motivation to meet new people for romantic or even friend relationships. When we were together it was basically just us two. Now I have no desire to add new people to my life.

Trying to repeat the familiarity. The comfort zone was so strong that it is difficult thinking of having something other than that.

Attitude has been very negative. I do not lash out at people, but I have a very indifferent feeling towards everyone.

 

I have never had major depressions in my life. This little event though triggered something in my brain that has put me in an extreme low and has completely changed my outlook on the world as an entire whole. I think I put myself in a bubble during the relationship and now I am kind of really seeing the world around me for what it is and I do not like it.

[yankeefan74]

Now, I feel like my life is passing me by when i'm in the house. it's weird. I don't know why I get this feeling, but I just feel that he has moved on, and if I don't get out there, i'll be alone forever. It's silly, but that's just how i feel.

 

It's not silly at all. I feel that way as well. I still do. It's what makes people want to rush right out and meet someone new, or at least talk to other people - it's a huge basis for rebound relationships in the first place.

 

Of course, you won't be alone forever...but it's hard not to feel that way. I am sorry that you're going through this. Just keep on reaching out to people and taking it day by day.

[lovedlost]

It's not silly at all. I feel that way as well. I still do. It's what makes people want to rush right out and meet someone new, or at least talk to other people - it's a huge basis for rebound relationships in the first place.

 

Of course, you won't be alone forever...but it's hard not to feel that way. I am sorry that you're going through this. Just keep on reaching out to people and taking it day by day.

 

Thanks Yankeefan. it's definitely a growing experience, and up and down process. I'm working on just enjoying my alone time in silence. i can't really focus at work. i find myself zoning out, chatting on email chats, and doing anything that doesn't require me thinking too technically. You take care of yourself too.

[lovedlost]

I have never had major depressions in my life. This little event though triggered something in my brain that has put me in an extreme low and has completely changed my outlook on the world as an entire whole. I think I put myself in a bubble during the relationship and now I am kind of really seeing the world around me for what it is and I do not like it.

 

I think we do put ourselves in the blissfully sound bubble when we are in love, and then when it disappears and we have no more relationship, what's really out there is astonishing - almost traumatic. When you do heal from what you're going through, make sure you make a conscious effort to remain in touch with reality, so that you don't experience this again. We all have to learn from past relationships, and take responsibility for the roles we play in our own pain. Good luck with everything. Stay positive.

[SchecterGuy]

I have been listening to a lot of Papa Roach lately because their songs seem to really describe the feelings I am going through right now. Obviously Last Resort and She Loves Me Not are up there. But going back the bubble I was in, living in one of the richest areas of the world and hating the driving force of money the song Between Angels and Insects is really speaking to me as well as Dead Cell and Infest.

[yankeefan74]

Thanks Yankeefan. it's definitely a growing experience, and up and down process. I'm working on just enjoying my alone time in silence. i can't really focus at work. i find myself zoning out, chatting on email chats, and doing anything that doesn't require me thinking too technically. You take care of yourself too.

 

I'm giving it a shot. Being on here, trying to comfort others or give any advice i can helps.

 

I work with my ex. So not seeing her, hurts me. But seeing her, also hurts me. And i realized that even though i can't completely disappear from her world, i can be less available and accomodating. It's just a fine line between being less available, and being rude - as i don't need office drama on top of everything else, and she's got quite a little temper (one of those things I don't have to deal with anymore since i'm not her boyfriend...so that's one plus. lol).

 

Problem is, the second i start pulling away...that's when she basically "comes after me", using whatever she can to determine whether i still love her and want her back. It's quite the situation. lol

[yellowknight]

First post on this website for me. I wish I had found this months ago.

 

I'd like to say the worst of it is behind me, but what makes it more painful is finding out stuff about her as the months pass ... i.e., I think she was talking to her new boyfriend before we broke up, etc.

 

Part of me wants to know the whole truth, but part of me feels it's all moot now and dwelling on these things will only prolong the pain and recovery process. I've been NC for about 5 weeks now since I've been traveling for the past month, but she goes to my church and I know I'll have to see her on Sundays.

 

Ugh. I just want to start waking up again not feeling any sort of internal conflict or heartache.

[yankeefan74]

I know how you feel. And i think you are better off not knowing "the whole truth." It would make it that much harder to focus on you, rather than her and what she did.