feel like i lost my best friend

[missingapartofme]

My best friend and I have had another big argument. We have had three or four major blow ups over or three year friendship. This time it was worse than it ever was in the past. Our arguments are always about the same thing. He is a very private person and really doesn't let to many people close to him. But I can read him really well, and its really hard for him to hide it from me when something is wrong. But thats where is starts to get to the argument stage. I start sensing somethings wrong, I ask him, he denies it. But I feel him start pulling away such as, he doesn't want to do many things with me when I ask him, when we talk on the phone the conversations start to lull and the text messages start to dwindle. This is my problem, I start sensing all this and start feeling like i'm losing the friendship and I start pushing him.

 

Well, lets just say, yesterday I pushed a little to hard. I have had alot of things going on with myself for the past year. I am getting divorced, lost my house to forecluse, claiming bankruptcy and have moved in with my sister. He on the other hand started a relationship with someone and moved further away. Not to far but enough to make it not so convenient. We used to live close to each other. Anyway, I have been asking him to do few things lately and there is always some excuse as to why he can't. Yesterday was the last straw. I asked him to come by and I would make him lunch after he was done working. We both work nights at the same place. He said no because they had a new cleaning person coming to the house and he had to be home. Well, I just lost it. I never have let what was totally bothering me out but I did yesterday. There were text messages back and forth. Which were not so good. Anyway, I have never pushed him to his breaking point and I did yesterday. I totally lost all control of myself and said things that I have had bottled up inside. Well, he told me I had lost total control and that is was to much to deal with. He couldn't deal with that in his life right now and that he didn't want any friends in his life right now and he was taking a break. Of course, this has happened before but not to this extent. He has wanted space before and I have given it to him and he has always come back within about a week.

 

I always have the feeling that I have lost his friendship forever when this happens. So far it hasn't happened. He comes back and we are as close as ever. But this time I said what I really felt . Sometimes I just can't stop myself. I really regret the things that I said. Now he won't even talk to me.

I believe that the relationship at home isn't working out so well right now, because he alluded to a few things in the last couple of days. He gets this way with me and pushes me away when I get to close to the truth. He needs to deal with things in his own way and likes to be left alone when doing so. Of course I see all the signs, but ignore them and then its too late and we have a huge argument.

 

Every year at this time we seem to have an argument like this. It is always around the time of his mothers death. I know he misses her and I can empathize with him because I too lost my mother. He has told me in the past that I remind him of his mom, so nice and funny. Maybe that has something to do with it to along with his relationship. Too much pressure I don't know.

 

The thing that really bothers me is like I said we work at the same place. We deliver newspapers so we see each other everynight for a few minutes when we are picking up our papers. Anyway, last night I was really afraid to see him, number 1 thing being that I cried all day yesterday, and I knew seeing him would make me start all over. So I decided to go get gas and come back thinking he would be gone by then. But as I was finishing pumping my gas, he starts to pull in sees me and backs out and keeps going. OUCH!!!! Well, me being me, upset as I was knew where he was going up to the next station. So, dummy me, went there and pulled up. Well, I never saw the look on his face he gave me ever before, kind of pissed off kind of upset look. He looked like he had a rough day too. His eyes were all puffy and his face too. Anyway, just my wishful thinking that he is as upset as myself. So, I said to him are you that afraid to confront me that you had to pull away? and his answer was I told you I needed a break. And I said to him, I think we really need to talk, and his answer was I told you I needed a break, and turned his back on me and got in his car and left. I felt like he just slapped me in the face. We have been really close and have actually been thru alot together. I feel like my whole world just got ripped out from under me. Yes, I can see my faults, and I know what they are. Most of the time I can just not say anything more, give him his space and wait and see what happens. This time I just can't stop myself. I don't know why either. And I know the more I try to contact him or talk to him the more pissed off he will be at me.

 

We have not had an argument like this for over a year. Unfortunately, since he feels hes in a stable relationship maybe he will feel like he doesn't want me around anymore. But I don't trust the person he's with. But thats a whole other story.

 

Sorry, this was so long. I was trying not to leave to many things out. I'm just afraid that a really good friendship has been ruined. I want to try to make amends but I know he won't let me right now. Maybe I should just let him be mad and get over it, but what if he doesn't. I will be devastated. He is the only person I have let totally into my life. Knows the ins and outs. I feel like I really have lost everything.

 

Again sorry this was so long.

[giggle3474]

Even the closest of friends go through bumps in the road. It sounds like he is taking it a little far but that's his perogative - you cant change that. Maybe send him an email or a letter and just let him know that you are feeling bad and you want to talk. Some of the things he has done have been overreactive and hurtful. Do you really "need" that in your life??

[jas56]

Let me first say that, I am sorry for all of the things your going through. As far as the friendship i can REALLY relate. Your going through so much regarding your home, finances, ect ect, and right now it seems like you really need someone (him) right now because of that. Unfortunately, if he talks about space you'll have to give it to him for the time being because obviously he isn't ready to handle the amount of emotions your going through too. I think its a cop out on his part but if he values you as a friend then regardless he will come back and support you. I hope that things turn around because i swear true friends are hard to find.

[kuhl282000]

We can and do lose our best friends sometimes ....its sad. I lost mine to .....

 

I fell your pain

 

Stop it if you can

 

Kuhl

[missingapartofme]

Thanks for your kind words Jas. He has been always been there for me as I have been for him. Its something that doesn't need to be said. Unfortunately, sometimes life gets the both of us and he needs time to sort things out on his own, I on the other hand need to talk to someone right away. He talks to me when he has figured some things out. Sometimes, we both have to much going on and that is where the arguments flare up. I always know when something isn't right, and I know well enough not to push, but when I'm dealing with alot of stuff, well lets just say I don't see all the signs until its to late. Hopefully he will come back around sooner than later. It has usually been about a week when things have blown up before, but not so sure this time. Was a pretty huge argument. Sorry to ramble.

 

Kuhl, yep I do know best friends come and go...I lost 1 friend when she got married. This one tho we have been thru alot. I think he will come around, he just has to be mad for awhile. Hopefully.

[missingapartofme]

Sigh, it is day 5 of my friend not talking to me. I wrote him a note saying I was sorry etc... But he hasn't acknowledged it to me at all. I am hoping that he read it. Anyway, I have seen him every night at work, but we just walk by each other not saying anything. I did catch him looking over at me last night, but he didn't smile or anything. I know he is really mad at me. Quite frankly, I reread some of the texts I sent him on the day we fought and I must say I would be pretty mad too if it was the other way around.

 

Just wanted to rant a little bit. I really miss him very much. I didn't realize how much the daily phone calls and texts meant to me. I really miss the communication. I find myself seeing something on tv the last few days and wanting to say something to him about it, but I promised him in my note that I would back off and respect his need for a break. I just really miss him. It really hurts. I only hope that we will be back on speaking terms soon. The longest he has gone without talking to me has been just over a week. I'm just at the end of my rope.

[missingapartofme]

yes it is nice to know i am not the only one going thru this situation. Today is day 6 of not talking to me. I have to tell you its really killing me inside. To see him every night and to have him act like im not even there. I really miss him. Especially since there has been some things happening with me that I really would like to talk to him about. He has always been there to listen to me and support me...except of course when we have had our arguments. I miss my friend so much.

[missingapartofme]

Its been a whole week since the argument. I have sensed a thawing of sorts in that he is not totally ignoring me, but we are still not on speaking terms as of yet. Had to ask him a question about work last night and he answered me and not with the mad look on his face at least.

 

Then, I sent him a text earlier this morning, and just asked him if we were going to be ok again, and his response was that hes still figuring some things out and needs more time. I have heard this before. Usually he starts coming around within a few days after that.

 

I just miss him so much. Miss talking to him. Some things have happened in the last few days and really wanted to share them with him, but didn't want to break my promise of backing off. I know, I texted him earlier!!!

 

Only place I can let my feelings out, and get some feedback. Sorry guys.

[25thfloor]

I may be way off base here, and i'm sorry if i am. 2 things could be going on...like you said...1.) he can't handle anything else right now...i get that way too with friends...especially if they're always having problems or won't take active measures to correct them (yes, i do this sometimes too and my friends will say..'get it together already!)....2.)you want him to be more than just a friend. are you respecting the romantic relationship he is in, or do you give him a hard time about it? are you causing him more stress by not 'liking' his girlfriend? are you making more 'girlfriend' demand than a 'friend' demands? these are just thoughts. i mean no disrespect if i'm off base.

[missingapartofme]

25thfloor, no disrespect at all. First of all, he is the type that can't handle alot of things going on especially if there are issues going on with him. I saw the signs of something amiss and blindly pushed forward. Secondly, we are very close friends, but I am not expecting a romantic relationship. That is totally out of the question, as he is gay, and has a partner. I respect his relationship, but I must admit that I don't care for the person he is with,and the feeling is mutual. I haven't made any more "friend demands" that i usually have in the past. But, I have been feeling very left out because he doesn't seem to want me around his new set of friends. I have mentioned to him a few months ago and I said that he is keeping me separate almost like he is embarrased of me or something. He said at that time that wasn't the case and he wouldn't explain further.

I just don't know what to do. It upsets me terribly that I called him out on few things and he blew up at me. I think that there are quite a few things going on here. I just feel like I am losing my best friend and I have to let him cool down. We have been through alot together, I would hate to lose a friend. I am afraid to that his partner had a friend that my friend couldn't stand and he doesn't hang out with him anymore. I think that maybe something was said about me. I don't know. I just don't know where I screw up sometimes with him. Things will be going along smooth sailing then I am blind sided. I just sit here and imagine all kinds of things he could be "figuring out"

 

I just hope he is still my friend after all this. It really hurts to see him and not talk to him.

[christianna]

Keep us updated on it. I really hope he comes back. I don't think my friend ever is, but I hope yours does.

[missingapartofme]

Just posting an update. Well, what I thought would happen did. I have lost the one person who meant a lot to me. I completely have lost my friend and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing I say or do will change his mind. I know this for a fact. Once his minds made up he rarely changes it.

 

I saw him last nite at work, and thought I would say Hi. Its been two weeks since hes talked to me. I told him I would give him space and I did. Anyway, last nite while we were working he sent an email to me from his phone which he knew I wouldn't get until I got home. He didn't text me because I could answer right away and thats not what he wanted.

 

The gist was that he came to the realization that he didn't need any friends in his life right now. And that the last two weeks he has been happier than he has been in awhile because he felt free to do whatever he wanted and thats how he wants to live his life. Then went on to say that he knew that this would make me sad and he was sorry for that but its what he needs to do for his sanity. Huh!?

 

I am so hurt and devastated right now, but a part of me is totally pissed. We have been thru alot together. I can't believe he is turning his back on me. And to do it in such a cowardly way. It's not fair. I think I deserve much better than an email. I just don't know what to do right now. I feel like my whole world has now totally collapsed. If you have read post above you will see what other things have been going on with me. I never in a million years thought he would turn his back on me. I never would do that to him. I am at such a loss. I don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop crying. I have truly lost my best friend and didn't see it coming........

[missingapartofme]

sitting here so upset. want to send a text or email but feel that whatever i say won't matter, and will come out sounding totally wrong from the way that i want it to. just don't know how to handle this... never thought all of it would come to this. i feel so lost and alone. not one to have many friends. i am just devastated and know there is nothing i can do or say to make it any better. i really miss him.....

[25thfloor]

sitting here so upset. want to send a text or email but feel that whatever i say won't matter, and will come out sounding totally wrong from the way that i want it to. just don't know how to handle this... never thought all of it would come to this. i feel so lost and alone. not one to have many friends. i am just devastated and know there is nothing i can do or say to make it any better. i really miss him.....

i'm so sorry that he sent you an email. this is a breakup of sorts...even worse with friends sometimes. but you have to respect his wishes. and i know, right now, you don't see, but this is good for you. he doesn't sound very stable...and life happens. if it were my best friend, she would never do this to me...ever...no matter what she or i was going through. he's hurtful and a coward.

[missingapartofme]

Thanks 25th floor. I completely agree with you. He actually texted me today to ask if I had read it. My thoughts exactly. I guess I was really fooled. I couldn't believe it and am still in a state of shock today. The texts went back and forth. It has been a really bad day for me. I feel totally lost right now. I know I will be ok. Its just going to take time. sigh.

[Shyguy24]

Hey i read your posts and i just want to say,

 

Dont get so upset , he dosent sound like he is worth your tears and emotions. Emotions are very precious don't waste them on such a low life.

 

He is just a selfish little * * * * * , who would have never realised the value of your friendship. I mean i always yell at my friends and whatever , but then we get over it really quick and are sharing a beer at the bar.

 

Friends are not a stock market meaning its a natural realtionship in which everything goes ..we are friends out of choice not out of need . You deserve better ..if you need a online friend or someone to talk to you can PM me

[christianna]

Please keep us updated.

[missingapartofme]

This is an update as asked. Things are going a little bit better for me emotionally. I am taking things day by day. I still have waves of sadness every so often, but not as often as in the beginning. I have had alot of time to think and reflect on things and I have talked to a counselor if you will regarding everything that has been happening in my life over the last year or so. I have begun to see alot of things that I didn't realize. Anyway that is for a different forum.

 

However, as far as the "friend" goes. It is day to day. We are back on somewhat speaking terms since we have to do some talking at work. It is about work right now, but he has alluded to some things that are happening in his life right now. But, we did speak of the "incidents" one time. We both agreed that we had a wonderful friendship and it deserves a second chance, but it needs to be repaired badly. So, we are taking it on a day to day basis. Alot of hurtful things were said between the two of us, but we both believe it can be salvaged if that makes any sense. Anyway, I feel a little bit better about the situation. Thats all I can ask for right now.

[Shyguy24]

Good to hear that you are doing better

 

I am sure things will turn out alright in the end.

[missingapartofme]

Feeling down today. My "friend" has been texting me a little bit about work situations when we are out doing our jobs. Nothing personal just work stuff. We also had to work together on something the other day. We were both ok around each other although it felt a little awkward at first. Again, just talked about what it was we were doing for work.

 

Anyways, just wanted to get off my chest that this little bit of contact is really driving me crazy! I would really like it to be that it is an attempt on his end to establish communication again. But I don't want to get my hopes up.

 

I really miss him alot. It has been almost a month since our big argument. I can't believe that it has been that long already! But in this space of time I, myself have done alot of soul searching if you will. I have been going through alot of personal stuff over the last year as I previously said. What hit me like a ton of bricks was that all my negativity was stressing my friend out so much that he had to totally back away from me. I was becoming really overbearing, clingy, and totally had no respect for his relationship with his partner. So I can now see where alot of the things he said to me came from. WE are both at fault here. Now, I just wish that there was a way to truly apologize for what I put on him. It tears me apart even more that I contributed to all this also. Therapy is helping!!!

[Summer Angel]

My friend came back- its just like normal. I believe if mine did, yours can, so keep us updated on it. Its a very slow process.

[MorrowJ]

It's times like this when a relationship gets broken down so badly that it becomes time-consuming, if not impossible, to build back up; not to mention difficult to deal with every day as you're revealing to us, missingapartofme.

 

At the moment, I've been maintaining a relationship with a friend for a very long time who, to this day, means the world to me. Obviously, I don't think a close relationship of any kind operates without its share of rough patches and long story short...

 

I sympathize with you, missingapartofme. But no matter how desperate you get for thing to work out, no matter how sad it makes you feel to think of the way things were in comparison to how they are now, this guy will probably never think of you the same way again. Sometimes the only way you can get by is just to accept that idea, not to discredit the fact that dying relationship is such an easy thing to live down. I'm still learning to accept my loss.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be a put-down or anything. I'm just urging you to be prepared for the worst if you must.

[missingapartofme]

I would like to thank everyone for the input so far. Things are moving very slowly at the moment. Although, last week we texted back and forth about a certain reality show we both watch (one of the things that actually brought us together as friends in the first place). He initiated the texting by asking me a question about work. Then he led into the text about the show and we texted for almost an hour about the show. I guess thats something... Then, that night when we saw each other at work, he looked over at me as he was getting ready to leave and rolled is eyes at me about something that was going on. Something that we always used to do when not wanting to bring attention to a situation. Then just as he was getting ready to leave he walked over and talked to me about what happened on the show which was a continuation of what we had been texting about...

 

Didn't see him again until last night and he was already leaving when I got there. Texted with him about work again today for a few times. So I guess a little contact is better than none at all right now.

 

Anyway, baby steps....

 

I know what I did to contribute to the situation at hand. My jealousy and insecurities got in the way big time. I just hope that one day I can tell him that I know where I went wrong and hope that he can forgive me. When he has taken breaks from me before he has always come back. Something he has always told me when we reconnect is that he always will... My gut instincts tell me that he will this time, its just going to take longer than it has in the past... I hope that I am right. He is/was the closest friend I ever had in my life. There is a deep connection with the two of us. I still feel it. Like two peas in a pod if you will. Thanks for reading again....

[jade519]

wow, missingapartofme, I can really relate to your situation. Hope that you guys can find your way back to each other. Sounds like he is a very special person to you. All the best.

[missingapartofme]

Things are still progressing at a snails pace. At least he is communicating with me and thats a good thing. I don't want to get my hopes up to much in case it doesn't quite pan out the way I hope it will. If that makes any sense.

 

We have seen each other every night at work and have talked with each other for a few minutes. Actually at the end of last week there was a situation at work where everyone went home because of a glitch in a machine that ran the papers. I stuck around and so did he and we had a really nice talk just about general things. Since then he has been texting me a little bit every day just about something he sees, or hears, or reads.

 

It makes me feel really good that he hasn't totally shut down on me like he did about a month and a half ago. But I have had some really good counseling sessions that he doesnt know about. They have been eye opening and insightful. I am really learning alot about myself and learning how to not over react so situations and how to deal with certain things. I think that he is seeing a difference in me but doesn't know why. He will ask in time because the curiosity will just get to him!!!

 

Anyway, just wanted to update. I think things are getting back on track although he hasn't picked up the phone to call me and have a phone conversation like before but maybe that will happen sometime in the near future. I hope so. I have missed him in my life very much.