She is driving me BATTY

[sparky1]

Ok so here is the deal.

 

My dear wife of 12 years has become a dragon lady... ok not become, she has always had the propensity towards this type of behavior but it has always been off and on and very short lived, period driven I assume.

 

Well the off and on thing has been on for about 3 months now. It is my full time duty keeping her from killing the kids and or me. She criticizes virtually everything anyone does and is annoyed with anyone who doesn't do what she wants, when she wants, the way she wants it done. Anyones else's opinion, method, time line is not wanted or accepted.

 

My kids are no longer allowed to be kids and they are pretty tame as far as kids go. I simply take my orders and do what she demands or risk castration and monitor that the kids are doing what is expected so they don't get ripped anymore than they already do.

 

I am can internalize virtually anything and avoid conflict at almost any cost but when I do try to discuss anything about how she is feeling and question why she is annoyed, angry and pissed off she blows me off with a sweet "oh there is nothing wrong, I'm fine"

 

Wa-d-ya Think

[Zeitgeist]

Two words: passive aggressive.

[sparky1]

How bout Bi Polar

[Jetta]

I'm leaning towards bi-polar too. Take her in for a psychological evaluation.

[sparky1]

I'm leaning towards bi-polar too. Take her in for a psychological evaluation.

 

Ya in restraints and armed guards ](*,)

[Gratsy]

Try to think of her in a happy way. What about her made you marry her? A lot of times both parties are at fault...not just one...people aren't perfect.

[RockabillyLove]

Maybe she has depression.

 

When I had post natal depression I was a total killer.

Not just my hubby but EVERYONE got a taste of my viper tongue every day.

[dreamwarrior]

I work in the medical field and most of my friends are doctors and nurses. Perhaps she is having some hormonal problems or her thyroid could be out of sync, which could cause a whole host of issues.

 

Don't just assume it's bipolar or a mental illness. How old is she? Maybe take her out for a nice time in a relaxing setting and have a heart to heart with her. You have been married to this woman for 12 long years and if this is bothering you it needs to be addressed before one of you decides to leave.

 

Apparently you are quite bothered by her behavior or you wouldn't be on here so please do yourself as well as her a favor and save your relationship by taking her to the doctor for blood tests and if they are negative then perhaps suggest to the M.D. to refer you both to a good therapist.

 

Good luck to you

[sparky1]

Try to think of her in a happy way. What about her made you marry her? A lot of times both parties are at fault...not just one...people aren't perfect.

 

Oh hell... Of course I am at fault somewhere along the line, I am a male that goes without saying but you gotta have some dialog to figure where I went wrong but perhaps that goes back to the day I was born.

[nicky8989]

My mom is the same way. Its affecting everyone else's lives...

You probably arent even mostly at fault. I know that me so much as texting while running the vacuum gets my mom in a lather.

[sparky1]

My mom is the same way. Its affecting everyone else's lives...

You probably arent even mostly at fault. I know that me so much as texting while running the vacuum gets my mom in a lather.

 

LOL... yep that would do it over here too.

[DN]

There is no excuse for such behaviour - it doesn't matter what the reason is. No one has the right to treat other people the way your wife is treating you and your children.

 

Simply tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that if she doesn't do something she is in danger of losing her marriage - and possibly her children. Say that if she needs to see a doctor because of some issue that she is having then you will support her in whatever treatment might be required - but you will no longer tolerate her treating you and the children in the way that she is.

 

Remember that this isn't just about how she treats you - you have a duty to protect your children and what she is doing is at least approaching abusive.

[nicky8989]

There is no excuse for such behaviour - it doesn't matter what the reason is. No one has the right to treat other people the way your wife is treating you and your children.

 

Simply tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that if she doesn't do something she is in danger of losing her marriage - and possibly her children. Say that if she needs to see a doctor because of some issue that she is having then you will support her in whatever treatment might be required - but you will no longer tolerate her treating you and the children in the way that she is.

 

Remember that this isn't just about how she treats you - you have a duty to protect your children and what she is doing is at least approaching abusive.

 

i agree to an extent. Whenever my dad tries to talk some sense into my mom, she usually just gets SUPER offended, then takes more crap out on us. Choose what you say carefully

[DN]

i agree to an extent. Whenever my dad tries to talk some sense into my mom, she usually just gets SUPER offended, then takes more crap out on us. Choose what you say carefully

Then your father should defend you from that.

 

Again, no one has the right to treat other people in that way and they need to be told that and held to a standard of more civilised behaviour.

[John Bendix]

sparky,

 

You are dealing with dynamite. Been there. Sorry you have to go through this.

 

My X was acting more and more exactly like that until she finally snapped and did not care what anyone thought or said. I attempted to protect my children from the tirades and violent outbursts but it was turned into me taking sides against her and having the whole family "gang" up on her.

 

She may not be in fear of losing her family, she may be in a huge amount of emotional distress. If she gets desperate enough to try and alleviate her suffering, the family will not even hold her. She may even try to escape the perceived source of all of her misery. Her intimate relationship, since it holds the potential to inflict the most pain, emotionally.

 

Trying to sit her down and speak rationally is a big chore and may yield nothing but hostility. Instead of discussing her behavior and mindset, she will immediately lash out for the miserable life you have given her. What seems sensible for you to do, may be the wrong thing to do. What people do not understand that you may not be dealing with a rational person. I would venture to say that she has the emotional wall well established to protect her vulnerable emotional state. Nothing will get through and any attempt will serve only for her to build a bigger wall.

 

If you try and get her to seek help, then she will tell you that she is fine and that you need help. Mine would not acknowledge that there was anything wrong with her. You can try and label the problem with many different depressive illnesses, mid-life crisis, empty nest syndrome, perimenopause, and so on, but the point is that there seems to be an emotional problem that needs to be dealt with. But she has to first admit to it in order to get some relief.

 

It was the most frustrating part of my life. I did not even care that much about saving my marriage for my sake as I did care about saving her. My experience is well documented here.

[sparky1]

Wow, quite the response. Didn't figure this post would illicit such a variety of comments and I thank you all for the time you took to pen a reply.

 

In response to a few of you

 

Dreamwarrior There was some hope on the medical front recently as my wife went to the doctor for her regular-ish checkup and she asked her doctor why she might be a little more crusty than usual lately. The doctor suggested the hormone imbalance possibility but my wife has not pursued it any further instead choosing the "suck it up it's not that bad" route instead, even though I have politely said "Oh yes... It really is!"

 

DN Although I understand your point that she needs to straighten up or I should threaten to ship out, but I do not see this as an option. In my mind separation leading to a divorce is a cop out and serves only to hurt my kids in that, If I leave my kids won't be coming with me as the courts hate men and always side with the mother. When it comes down to it, my wife is not abusive verbally or physically, she is simply unhappy about something which she does not wish to deal with or share with me, or anyone else for that matter. Unfortunately it becomes a management issue for me trying to create an environment at home which is as irritant free as possible. I have hammered out a niche in my own life where I can get away from the vipers nest, at a time when I don't have to deflect for my kids, so I have a release of my own and do not harbour a building resentment.

 

In the end she is fortunate (I believe) that I am as tolerant as I am. I deal with at risk youth for a living and all that comes with it such as drug abuse, suicide, violence and the like, so I have a HUGE capacity for putting up with and managing the crap life throws at us. In this capacity, I have come to understand and tend to agree with John Bendix that my wife will act on her issues and help herself, when she is ready.

 

Whether the solution be medical, psychological or other will be up to her and hopefully this time will come sooner rather than later. I was just looking for a forum to bounce some thoughts around in and I thank you all once again.

 

Cheers,

Sparky1

[JEB]

Men have mid-life crisis.

So do us women.

 

Confronted with age, beauty, motherhood, wife responsibilities; it can add up subconsciously. Seeing our future as a mirage of dishes, vacuuming, picking up etc. can be pretty daunting.

In an effort to control the inevitable; she could be trying to control everything.

Like fight or flight.

 

How much do you help her out around the house and with the kids?

When was the last time she had a chance to be alone to do something she likes?

[sparky1]

How much do you help her out around the house and with the kids?

 

I am full on with the kids when I am home, which is most of the time. I get them up in the morning and put them to bed. All my wife has to do is give em a kiss before school and a kiss goodnight and I handle all the time in between, when I am home.

 

As for around the house... She will tolerate me unloading the dish washer and vacuming, everything else I screwup so badly that the world will come to an end if she lets me do anything else.

 

When was the last time she had a chance to be alone to do something she likes?

 

She refuses to leave the house for more than about a 1/2 hr at a time as I am sure she figures the house will fall down if she isn't around. She doesn't have any friends and will not make the effort to cultivate any. I buy her memberships to various activities she has mentioned having some interest in but finds some reason not to go

 

Cheers,

Sparky1

[Imprecision]

I disagree with most commentators.

 

In love and marriage, imperfection is unavoidable. Sometimes, we have to put up with things we don't like.

 

Children bear their father's family name, but for all practical purposes they belong to their mother. A wife is the pillar of her family. Even when the father is often absent on business, a strong mother can make her family thrive at home. The reverse is far more difficult. Even when children fight with their mother all the time, they remain more emotionally dependant on their mother than on their father.

 

Most women are control freaks. In school, most men are slackers. Only women have good work ethic. When it comes to children, this dichotomy is amplified. This dichotomy is based on instincts and emotions. You can't reason with it.

 

Old Chinese wisdom gives women the keyword of "endurance." It gives men the keyword of "avoidance." I recommend that the poster find an excuse to leave the house whenever his wife starts criticising the children. Maybe he should take up smoking. He should let the kids and the wife fight it out. Their struggle doesn't concern him.

[JadedStar]

 

I simply take my orders and do what she demands or risk castration and monitor that the kids are doing what is expected so they don't get ripped anymore than they already do.

 

I think the above is a big part of the problem. YOu have helped create this monster by tolerating her. She knows she can be a b*tch and you will do backflips to keep the peace.

 

Keep coddling her and tolerating this and the problem will continue to escalate.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Borderline Personality Disorder.

[sparky1]

 

You have helped create this monster by tolerating her. She knows she can be a b*tch and you will do backflips to keep the peace.

 

Keep coddling her and tolerating this and the problem will continue to escalate.

 

Undoubtedly I have been part of the problem in that I have enabled her to behave the way she is but I believe the alternative would not have rendered any better result. As John Bendix mentions in his experience going head to head with her would probably only create more hostility. As I have mentioned, I in fact have tried to discuss with her the way she has been behaving but to no avail.

 

The other point people seem to be missing here is that this behaviour is episodic, usually they are far shorter episodes than the current one but it is not a constant behaviour. I failed to mention that she has gone on an extended tirate once before shortly after our second child was born lasting four months and she came out of it. In fact there might be some light at the end of the tunnel as this weekend she has not been quite so edgy.

 

I am leaning towards hormones as the catalyst but in the end who knows

 

Cheers,

Sparky1

[DN]

Is she like this with everyone in her life - or just those that don't stand up to her or who has or can give her something she wants?

 

Does she have a job and treat her boss like this?

 

If she gets a ticket does she talk to the police officer like this - or the judge if she goes to court?

 

If she wants a bank loan does she talk to the loan officer like this?

 

In other words - can she control her behaviour when it is in her best interests?

[sparky1]

Is she like this with everyone in her life - or just those that don't stand up to her or who has or can give her something she wants?

 

Does she have a job and treat her boss like this?

 

If she gets a ticket does she talk to the police officer like this - or the judge if she goes to court?

 

If she wants a bank loan does she talk to the loan officer like this?

 

In other words - can she control her behaviour when it is in her best interests?

 

She doesn't really have an outside life besides work. She alienates pretty much everyone she comes accross. Has no friends only acquaintances. The only people that come over for dinner are my friends and their spouses and she is polite enough in this situation.

 

She will rip a strip off anyone at any time. As for police? Who knows, to my knowledge she has never been arrested. As for her boss she has no problem handing out her opinion but she has a fair bit of autonomy at work thereforee not much to fight about.

[DN]

In other words - can she control her behaviour when it is in her best interests?

well, how about this?