Is this heartless and unacceptable?

[Anotherday]

I'll try to make this brief. I have a friend I'm really angry with right now and have decided I don't think I am going to call her anymore.

 

The gist is her mom died of lung cancer three years ago. Two weeks prior to this my dog drowned in my pool. I really suffered a lot due to guilt and grief and what have you. That dog meant a LOT to me. Anyway, I called her everyday once I learned her mom had cancer. When my dog drowned all she did was tell me it was nothing compared to what she and her mom were going through. After her mom died I still continued to call her and be there for her. Of course, I could not really talk to her about my grief or she would tell me I could hardly compare the two. I didn't use my pool for three years after this and she would repeatedly tell me she thought that was stupid, but I just could not.

 

Fast forward. My dog had to be put to sleep this past Saturday. I am devastated as it happened so fast. He was the light of my life and like my child. The cremation service was on Wednesday. I had him groomed so I could see him once more and then he was cremated.

 

So I called her a couple hours later and she started in on me about how I could not compare him to a human life. Then the subject turned into MY issues and the fact I've struggled with depression my entire life. She went so far as to tell me she wonders if I want to be disabled. I am shocked. I sent her a pic of my dog in the basket and all she said was he looks like her dog. Since then I've heard nothing from her. I know people don't get it many times when a pet dies. Anyway, just wondering what you think of this. I don't plan to call her again. In the past three years this has really been a sticky issue...her telling me I can't compare a human to an animal. I just tell her I don't want to go there. I tell her my pets are like my children and it pretty much stops there. I don't know why she persists in this. Thoughts? Thanks.

[phish]

Nothing will compare to the loss of a parent, but that in no way belittles the importance a pet dog will have. She was selfish and uncaring -or perhaps she simply had to push away any sympathy for you since that would remind her of her mother?

 

You can compare an animal to a human because its your life and your emotions and pets can be as part of a family as anybody else. If she cannot come around on the issue and respect your feelings, then cut her off.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

While there is no comparison to someone dying of lung cancer vs a dog dying, there are such things as grief and empathy. Correct me if I am wrong, but I have a funny feeling your "friend" always had a self-absorbed component to her personality and in life was always about her needs etc. I suspect that even if it was a family member of yours who died, she would have had a similar reaction...downplaying your grief and making it all about her. So I really don't think this is about the dog per se...this is about her personality and the world revolves around her. She is not a true friend and I don't blame you for not wanting to contact her.

[Anotherday]

Nothing will compare to the loss of a parent, but that in no way belittles the importance a pet dog will have. She was selfish and uncaring -or perhaps she simply had to push away any sympathy for you since that would remind her of her mother?

 

You can compare an animal to a human because its your life and your emotions and pets can be as part of a family as anybody else. If she cannot come around on the issue and respect your feelings, then cut her off.

 

Well, this may seem strange, but I actually want my dad to move on, and the sooner the better, as he's in a lockdown and just sits there all day long. So it will be a blessing when he goes and I really don't see myself mourning the loss like this loss. Besides, he's been gone for a long time anyway.

 

As far as my mother, I am sure that will be devastating, but I have no way of knowing exactly how I will feel. She pretty much spends each day alone reading. She does go downstairs to see my dad, and I know it's really hard for her, and she feels like it would be best for him to go too.

 

Thing is, they've both had long lives. And that is another point this person sort of holds against me, that I don't understand her mother's death because she died at 67 and my parents are still living, IOW, I guess their deaths won't hold as much value as her mother's death. Thanks for your perspective.

 

One other point, Wednesday she told me I don't even compare to her in terms of understanding death. I admitted I haven't lost as many people, but asked her if it was a contest. I don't know. Doesn't sit well with me.

[Anotherday]

While there is no comparison to someone dying of lung cancer vs a dog dying, there are such things as grief and empathy. Correct me if I am wrong, but I have a funny feeling your "friend" always had a self-absorbed component to her personality and in life was always about her needs etc. I suspect that even if it was a family member of yours who died, she would have had a similar reaction...downplaying your grief and making it all about her. So I really don't think this is about the dog per se...this is about her personality and the world revolves around her. She is not a true friend and I don't blame you for not wanting to contact her.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, you have a LOT of insight with very little info to go on. Wow.

 

I just mentioned above how my parents' deaths will not be as significant as her mom's. You nailed it. Thank you.

[Rising]

I've seen this same situation play itself out in a friend's life. For the purposes of this post I'll call my friend Lisa and the other girl Jessica.

Lisa's best friend's mother died suddenly, and when my friend dropped everything she was doing and traveled 5000 miles to be by Jessica's side. At first Jessica was thankful but when Lisa explained that she had to catch a plane and get back to work (5 states away) Jessica flipped out on her and told her what a horrible friend she was... Lisa had been like a daughter to Jessica's mother as well and was feeling tremendous loss and pain, but Jessica made it very clear that she shouldn't even try to compare the feeling.

 

Jessica went into a totally selfish "Nobody knows my pain" mode and shut out anyone who was close to her in her life, including all of her other relatives. Whenever Lisa tried to contact her or communicate about the pain of losing her friendship and her mother (to death) Jessica wouldn't hear it and claimed that she had no place to talk about any kind of suffering at all.

--

 

I think this may be a very selfish, inward defense mechanism... and for some personality types may be the only way to deal with such a huge, sudden loss... It's been a couple years now and they still don't talk because Jessica won't allow it.

 

Though these situations are different I think they are working off the same emotions and personality type. Your friend is suffering and is closing off. She doesn't want anyone to claim they know her pain and though a pet's death is different it is absolutely emotionally strong. Your friend is insensitive and egocentric. I bet if you look closely at your relationship with her before the death you'll realize that this pattern of behavior was present in other ways.

 

My advice would be to support her in her healing over her loss but if she continues to try to devalue your loss you should confront her on it.

 

She is not the only person in this world that has lost something dear to her. You are not trying to compare your dog to her mom, but she should at least have the heart to recognize that you are suffering because of your loss, REGARDLESS of its comparison to hers. She needs to look beyond the end of her own nose and learn how to be a good friend to you, as you have been to her all this time.

 

Best of luck

 

-Rising

[Anotherday]

While there is no comparison to someone dying of lung cancer vs a dog dying, there are such things as grief and empathy. Correct me if I am wrong, but I have a funny feeling your "friend" always had a self-absorbed component to her personality and in life was always about her needs etc. I suspect that even if it was a family member of yours who died, she would have had a similar reaction...downplaying your grief and making it all about her. So I really don't think this is about the dog per se...this is about her personality and the world revolves around her. She is not a true friend and I don't blame you for not wanting to contact her.

 

One more point to add, there is the guilt factor and never being able to forgive myself. It would be one thing if it had been a natural death or euthanasia, but the fact my little dog drowned in my pool is overwhelming, as I was entrusted with that little soul, and I messed up big time.

[Seraphim]

You are BOTH being unmoveable on the topic. I do not know the loss of a parent but I know the loss of a VERY adored pet and my child and believe me there is entirely NO comparision.Before I had children I thought my pet was my child too and I know many people who do not have kids feel this way.I can see your point, really I can. There is never anything more angonizing than the loss of a human being. I think you both need to be a little more accepting of each others views, or better yet do not discuss that topic at all.

[Anotherday]

You are BOTH being unmoveable on the topic. I do not know the loss of a parent but I know the loss of a VERY adored pet and my child and believe me there is entirely NO comparision.Before I had children I thought my pet was my child too and I know many people who do not have kids feel this way.I can see your point, really I can. There is never anything more angonizing than the loss of a human being. I think you both need to be a little more accepting of each others views, or better yet do not discuss that topic at all.

 

Why? I am entitled to my position and can't we all be friends? Why should this topic be censored? Actually, I do prefer dogs to humans. My entire estate (or 90%) is being left to the Humane Society and the SPCA. They need it.

[Seraphim]

I meant you and your friend are being unmoveable. I never said anything about censure.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are BOTH being unmoveable on the topic. I do not know the loss of a parent but I know the loss of a VERY adored pet and my child and believe me there is entirely NO comparision.Before I had children I thought my pet was my child too and I know many people who do not have kids feel this way.I can see your point, really I can. There is never anything more angonizing than the loss of a human being. I think you both need to be a little more accepting of each others views, or better yet do not discuss that topic at all.

 

 

Actually, the OP was indeed there for her friend and understands that her friend was grieving. The issue was that her friend didn't understand that the OP was also grieving a loss and it is actually very rude, insensitive and childish to say "my loss is worse than your loss and you just don't understand". A loss is a loss and it is not a competition as to who has it worse. Death and dying is not a competitive sport and should not be treated as such..and that is exactly what the friend did, totally invalidating the OPs grief and sense of loss.

[Seraphim]

Yes, a loss is a loss but I think they should agree to disagree on the topic and leave it alone when they talk.

[Anotherday]

I meant you and your friend are being unmoveable. I never said anything about censure.

 

Oh, I see. Thanks for the clarification. I agree. That's why I always say I don't want to go there, as I know what will ensue.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, a loss is a loss but I think they should agree to disagree on the topic and leave it alone when they talk.

 

 

The point is that the friend was not a friend..the friend invalidated the OP. I think it isn't even a matter of steering clear of this topic. It is a sign that the 'friend" is rather selfish and not very understanding. What other topics will they have to steer clear of because the friend will think that she has it worse and thereforee the OP shouldn't talk. This goes deeper than simply the death of a parent and the death of a dog..this goes into the inherent egocentric attitude of the friend.

[Anotherday]

Yes, a loss is a loss but I think they should agree to disagree on the topic and leave it alone when they talk.

 

Yeah, and you are completely right and this is why I won't call her anymore. Why stir up a hornet's nest? Still, it does hurt when someone you've know for 33 years cannot be more empathetic.

[Seraphim]

Yes I agree she should be more sympathetic but you are both in a really bad place at the moment with regards to grieving so that should be remembered too. HUG, I am sorry you are suffering so much. I know how you feel.

[Anotherday]

Yes I agree she should be more sympathetic but you are both in a really bad place at the moment with regards to grieving so that should be remembered too. HUG, I am sorry you are suffering so much. I know how you feel.

 

No, her mom died over three years ago. This is fresh for me. I resent the fact she thinks I'm some mental case for caring so much. HUG to you too, and thanks.

[Seraphim]

What I am saying is she has not progressed with the grieve process she maybe be "stuck" at some point. I know yours is fresh, I am sorry. I have got to the point now where I do not cry every day about my son.

[Anotherday]

What I am saying is she has not progressed with the grieve process she maybe be "stuck" at some point. I know yours is fresh, I am sorry. I have got to the point now where I do not cry every day about my son.

 

Oh God, I'm sorry so about your son. If you want to talk about it, please do.

 

I don't know what happened, but I for one am here for you. You can PM me if you want.

[Seraphim]

I did not want to hijack your post, but just let you know I understand your pain.

[fragmint]

i agree with the others about her being cold and unsympathetic to you. i have a dog that is pretty much my life and i would be devastated if anything happened to her. people who do not have strong bonds to their dogs/pets hardly ever understand.

 

i would just avoid bringing up the topic with this person again and if she brings up your mom i wouldnt comment on it either. dont give her more sympathy if she brings it up because that will just get her to keep thinking that shes the one going through the 'worst' scenario and that nothing else can compare.

[SmittyGirl98]

I havent really read the other replies, but I should say this

 

when my grampa died, my step sister came to the wake. she barely knew our family and she just kind of sat there uncomfortbale not sure what to do. I could tell. Even I Didnt know what to do.

 

then the next day, she didnt make it to the funeral, because my step mom messed up communication and rides that day for her.

 

my brother went BALLISTIC. he seriously, has disowned my step sis, he wont discuss her, if she shows up to family things now all hell breaks loose.

 

from my perspective, he is just taking out his anger of the death on someone and he picked my step sis. and I guarantee tiil the day one of em dies, there will be that bigggg grudge between em.

 

 

I think that when people you love die, sometimes people take it out on the wrong person. its their own selfish way of finding a place for their sad feelings and to take them out on something/someone.

 

I dunno. thats how I see it