so, what's a girl to do?

[shemojo]

Out of the blue, a distant childhood friend of my husbands has been writing him very much for a number of 2-3 months. He made casual mention it when she first wrote. From there I heard nothing more until I raised issue with her emailing him all the time recently. This is someone he met and knew only 2weeks during childhood(over 20 yrs ago), but they have periodically corresponded over the years. He had not really heard from her in many years (at least since we've been married, 8 yrs now), and out of the blue she starts to write a few times week. Her conversions progressed from a casual "how is life?" inquiries to reminiscing of that 2 week summer time moment of friendship they shared back when they were 14 yrs old. Though they had not seen each other ever since that time, and their individual lives went on, they kept in touch off/on over years, checking in to see how the other is doing. But, to me it now seems odd that she writes to him so intensely. And, that her conversations are limited, they revolve more around remembering those few short weeks in time, of songs, music they played,etc....rather than how are you, the wife, the kids, etc. My husband tells me this was simply a childhood friendship, he did not have any physical relationship with this girl even back then -they were summer time buddies for 2 weeks, sharing fun times. Perhaps he may not have known/recognized back then (as guys are guys and clue less to girls feeling 99%of the time) that she was longing for much more, and that she has carried those feelings with her over all these years, even though she is married with children. She goes on in emails to talk of how .. "meeting him in 20, 30, or even 50 years would be wonderful, if they could only meet again, by chance.." It continued on, and she recently wrote asking if it was okay to call as she did not want to upset, his wife[me] to which my husband innocently relied sure. She wrote afterwards saying she called but since I had answered she quickly hung up as she was afraid. If this was all an innocent conversation of old friends, then why is she afraid to have me answer or talk to me as well?

 

I started to question her intentions and motives for contacting my husband after so many years of silence. I discussed this with him as well. Upon reading the progressions of her letters, closing in conversation with "love, kisses, pinches", etc... rather than "regards" or "all the best", it came apparent to me in her words that she was hunting for more. My husband did not help matters either, as he always answered to her about only himself, rather than discussing about us or our lives, to which I am admittedly somewhat upset, as I felt he did not feel the 'us' was as important to share with his old friend as just telling things of himself. I also by feel him discussing only of himself gave her encouragement to keep persisting about him and their relationship. I wondered if her flirtations were to see if he would flirt back and open the doors for her to pursue things further, even though worlds away. In talking with him and expressing my feelings and concerns over this matter, I felt he needed to know that I felt he was sharing things of himself with a woman who had nothing to do with us, and that in keeping this to himself made me feel as though I do not have 100% commitment of my husband. I had asked him to stop writing back to her and encouraging her, whether or not he understood he was doing this, or to write to her about us, and express how you enjoy your life with your wife,,,etc... just to see if that does not place a damper on things, in a kind way. In some way I feel she is desperately playing out a 20 year old fantasy she's held all these years about my husband, and looking to see if there was anything here to pursue with him. Or perhaps she was having marital issues or relationship problems of her own, I started to wonder as to how she was perceiving my husband in her fantasy: was this someone she could console in, or perhaps find more, her long lost true love? I really cannot answer for her motives here, but her words elude to more than friends. In any case when I I saw the intent of her letters changing I asked my husband to stop writing to her, and he knew I was upset by it. He avoided writing back for a number of weeks, and occasionally I'd ask of him has his girlfriend wrote lately, in a joking but informative way - he understood my meaning. Recently, she again wrote saying goodbye, implying she was perhaps pestering him and apologized, and that she only wanted to be his friend. He was good about not writing but apparently could not refuse to cut those ties and respect my wishes of him, to which I am distraught. Upon his writing back to her, she again writes again estactic that he has replied with her, and closed the letter "kisses, hugs, and pinches"... Frankly, I am not comfortable with any woman wanting to kiss, hug, and pinch my husband, no matter how far accross the planet she resides. He has other women friends, whom I know who never cross that line.

 

I had asked my husband to disclose the letters, to read and discuss them together, even though he knows I've read most of them, but he has made no effort to do so. Instead he tells me it all meaningless and her letters are not that way, and it means nothing, that it is an innocent friendship. Yet, he continues to write back to her, even though he writes only brief, short lines, But, in doing so, (to me) it means that he fails to see how her emails effect me, and that he has no respect of my feelings or request. Since we already openly discussed this matter at great length, and he knew I was upset, and he continues on anyway, I am at a loss. I start to wonder if he is maybe intrigued with having a woman pursue him this way or that he is flattered by her flirtations, and he cannot help himself(guys, ...sigh). But, by him not respecting my wishes to cease wring with her places me in difficult position. He tells me their friendship is nothing more than that. I do not doubt his intentions, but he has led her on or at least provided encouragement about what will never be. And, his disregard for my request has left me feeling upset about us, so now she has successfully impacted my life and my relationship with my husband. I feel he should back away or at least let her know he is happy in love,and married, and has no interest in having those conservations with her and that her letters have become inappropriate. I am to the point where I am tempted to write her and ask to to stop writing him.

 

.....so, what's a girl to do?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Your husband is enjoying the attention and that is why he is not doing anything about it. You writing to the woman won't do any good because it has to come from your husband. I don't know what the answer is because you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. How is your marriage? Are there problems in your marriage? Is he happy in the marriage?

[LYC]

Write her!!!! Let her have it!!!! I know people will say to have self control and dont be silly and dont write her, but 'Love, kisses, hugs, and pinches' is VERY inappropriate!!! She knows what she is doing.

[shemojo]

I would have to agree he's most likely enjoying the attention, that's a bit of his personality, he lies to get reactions: be smiles, laughter, etc. Our marriage is rock solid, he'd go to the end of the world for me, as I would for him. We live, work, and play together, and h ave many friends both married and single and this type of situation has never emerged with anyone else. I think because of this situation I emotionally retreat and do not provide him as much attention as I normally would, as I am frustrated over this... so, perhaps him sensing that with drawl from me draws him to respond to her emails? I dunno.

 

Letting her have it, sounds good, huh? Funny enough I was once the perceived, pesky other woman with a guy friend of mine. His girlfriend (back then)blew up over the 2 of us working out together occasionally. Though it was very platonic, absolutely nothing sexual, etc.... I certainly had no intention of smothering him with kisses, hugs or pinches, because I did not see him in that light. I was married at the time, I also respect friendship & marital boundaries. But, his girlfriend put her foot down, and I cannot blame her. He and I, and my husband are all close, good friends.

 

To me there are clear boundaries in friendships that exist between married or single persons, the troubles brews where you cross with intention rather than respect those boundaries.

[HeartGoesOn]

I wonder if this woman's husband is aware of all this?

[renaissancewoman101]

From what I read of this thread, people are too possessive and too overreactive. So what, if a guy has a female friend and vice versa and so what if there is a bit of light "flirting". The guy is married to you, NOT her.

[shemojo]

good point re: her hubby having knowledge of this... I suspect not, and from what my husband eluded to she is having some issues on the home front. Which confirms my thoughts that she is playing out a fantasy with my husband to get away from her own issues. I suppose it could have been any male friend of hers, but it happened to be my guy ,who is sweet, and caring and understanding, a great listener, etc.... he just thinks he's talking openly with a friend, but to naive to see between the words she puts to paper.

 

over reactive? no. i do not have to share my husband with this woman. expecting respect from the man I married? yes. it's called a trusting relationship.

 

what's a the harm of flirtation? A bit of flirtation is one thing, persistent pursuance to see if things may progress is another, provoking my husband with longing words and continually dragging his memories back to the past with her thru reminiscing over an over shows her to me as a compulsive and desperate woman. She has nothing more than that 'the past", 2 weeks in a life time. Yet she uses that one moment to drag him into her fantasy world. I find it very disrespectful to my husband as well, for her to think that he will respond to her as she wishes or anticipates him to. Expecting a man to jump from a loving marriage and relationship with his wife is absurd. As if she expects to come and swoop her from her troubles into a world that does not exist, that is just pathetic and sad actually. I am concluding this person needs help, not my husband. He just needs a wack on the head to see it. As I mentioned my hubby is a bit to naive to see the subtleties. There is so much information available on how thinking and perceptions differ between men & women that the topic alone is worth it's own thread.

 

thanks everyone for you input, too. helps me to see my own thinking is clear and not clouded.