Am I Crazy-Psycho-Ex-Girlfriend?

[knightingale]

I've heard the horror stories of these particular ladies, witnessed it with friends: showing up at 1am at their ex's door (usually drunk), calling obsessively either crying or wanting to yell about something or other, occasional vandalism, some physical violence, pestering the new woman in his life etc. I haven't done any of this. I would never do any of this. But I am unsettled slightly by what I have done and I want to know if I can be categorized as Crazy-Psycho-Ex-Girlfriend behavior, or if it is just somewhat normal behavior.

 

Things I have done--in detail (sorry):

 

--A mutual friend of ours took on spy duty for me in finding out if The Ex was seeing someone else, because even though I asked if he was he said he wasn't, but the clues were all there. Not to mention, I have killer intuition. Eventually I witnessed it for myself at a bar (they kissed) and he came clean the next day, though only saying that they aren't dating they are just "hanging out" and interested in one another--i.e. she's allowing him have the benefits of dating without any effort on his part, and providing him with another drinking buddy. Since then, the friend has still been keeping tabs, and it seems that the public affection between them has died down a lot--practically non-existent--now they are just bar buddies other people. But I have also since told my friend to stop, because I can't control what happens and any news--good or bad--doesn't help me move on.

 

--I have gone to said bars on a couple of occasions, last night for the main example, knowing there would be a chance he would be there with her, and wound up keeping tabs from a distance. I just stood around, having fun with those I came with, but those I was with also kept an eye on the goings on. I know he saw them looking from time to time and I know, I was caught looking once. She and him didn't really appear at all chummy like before, just sitting in the same booth beside one another with mutual friends. He also kept looking back at me--for what reason, I'm not sure, could be a lot of reasons. Could be good reasons, could be bad reasons, could have just been curiosity. I may never know.

 

--We'd exchanged messages two weekends ago back and forth concerning our past relationship, our current one, what the future holds etc. Some of it was rational. Some of it was angry. We talked that Sunday in person when I went to get my stuff from his place, to give him something I'd been meaning to give him, hugged a lot, joked a lot, talked a lot, and then that was the last I saw him. I blocked him that Tuesday (22nd) on facebook, myspace and aim. This past weekend I sent him an explanation why--that I was doing it to move on from all of this, that it wasn't some tantrum I had and that I had thought long and hard about it before I did it. That once I have forgiven some of his actions as of late and moved on from this, we can be friends. Then I got a little heavy, telling him that I meant everything I ever said to him when we were together, that I really loved that guy--gave examples--but that if he needs to be this person he is now, wants to be this person, then so be it. But that I am not going to subject myself to it because that's not the person I fell in love with. I then told him not to contact me, that I will do it when the time is right. And if, like last night, we see each other around, we'll just behave accordingly--which I guess means ignoring each other, even though we both know good and well the other is there.

 

--I have driven by his place a couple of times.

 

--I am able to access the current girl's profile and do from time to time. We aren't friends, we're just in the same network. So, I have been doing my share of internet stalking . . .

 

I think that's my biggest downfall--I'm a bit of a creepy stalker. But I've decided to try and avoid where he is as much as I can now. We've only wound up at the same place five times since the break up (a month ago), two times I did it on purpose (in the beginning), the other two I was just taking a risk, and the other was a mutual friend's party that we both knew we would be at. We live in a small college town, with little to do, so it's not fool proof, but I'll do my best.

 

Anyway. I know I am not THAT crazy. But I really don't want to earn the title through these minor offenses. Have I already?

 

Sigh. Just give me the truth. I can take it.

[Clementine orange]

Oh god, save me from women like you.

No offense but....

 

Anyway, as far as earning the title - it's not what you've done, it's what you get caught doing.

 

How would you like someone to treat you like this? Think about it. And does it _really_ do any good? Does it make you feel better when you find out something? Is it progressive? help you heal?

 

This was entertaining reading though! Sounds like a movie-of-the-week!

[Scorpion Fury]

Yeah, you're getting there. At least you KNOW some of these things are crazy. True psychos think they are normal and everyone else is crazy

 

You're just having a hard time letting the relationship go. Most people on here will say "Go no contact". They know what they're talking about. This will truly help you to move on.

 

Next time you feel tempted to drive by his house, just ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing?" You're trying to see if he's home. But ask yourself what that will accomplish. His car is there. OK, he's home. Maybe someone is there with him. His car is not there. OK, he's not home. Maybe he went to the store.

 

Stay away from the bars you know he frequents. Find a new one. You might even like it better.

 

Stop looking at his girl's profile. Really, you're not doing yourself any favors.

 

It's good that you have decided to avoid him. That will help you move on. Plus, you'll look like less of a psycho. He probably knows about the stalking. He probably has seen you drive by, knows you and your friend were at the bar to keep tabs on him, and that girl might have a tracker on her profile.

[Karmageddon]

I don't think that any girl of 23 hasn't done something in their life like that at some time. You just wanted the truth, felt like you aren't getting it from the source, so you are gonna find it out for yourself. I get it & well, so what!? You just made yourself feel stupid, like we all did, then hopefully you will realize that if you don't trust someone enough & have to check up on what they say...then they probably weren't worth checking up on in the first place. It's called living and learning. I just heard someone say the other day that "experience is what you get, when you don't get what you want"

 

So go ahead and kick yourself for another 5 min and then move on.

[knightingale]

Oh god, save me from women like you.

No offense but....

 

Anyway, as far as earning the title - it's not what you've done, it's what you get caught doing.

 

How would you like someone to treat you like this? Think about it. And does it _really_ do any good? Does it make you feel better when you find out something? Is it progressive? help you heal?

 

This was entertaining reading though! Sounds like a movie-of-the-week!

 

The only thing I have been CAUGHT doing is looking over from time to time at the bar and not-so-conspicuously breathing the same air as him, then. I kind of think that is bound to happen . . . you're in the same room with someone you know, it's hard to just completely ignore what's going on around you. Yes, I COULD have just left or avoided the situation altogether, but I have Alice-in-Wonderland Syndrome: curiouser and curiouser . . .

 

But this is why I was asking, that's why I figured there was some genuine grounds for concern on if I am crossing that line. I'm not proud of myself. It's not something I like catching myself doing. It's not something that I think does any good in the end--which is why I am going to do my best to put a stop to it. I am well aware I have no control over his actions, only my own, but it's a hard thing to accept completely at times.

 

Glad you were entertained by it.

[mattysfun]

lol sounds perfectly sain to me.

 

but then again i have

 

-metaled in all his relationships since the break

 

-found his dad's myspace and best friends

 

-his boss's phone number

 

-found his myspace (he deleted his old one and got a new one to avoid me)

 

-threaten to send photos of me and him to his family (closet homos)

 

-slowly becoming his new bf's best friend.

 

-got rid of one shrink cause she said he'd never want me back

 

-got two new ones.

 

soo dont worry. your no where near crazy.

[knightingale]

Yeah. I do give myself props for knowing I am borderline psycho, haha. At least that means I'm not TOO far gone.

 

Eh, the blinds/curtains are always drawn at his place--he lives with three other people--so the chances of him knowing I am driving by are slim. I've wondered if he recognizes the sounds of my car, because it makes awful noises, but he's kind of an oblivious creature, so it's not too likely. I've considered the tracker idea, but I don't think Facebook has that function . . . and if it does, I want one.

 

I think the bar-stalking is my biggest concern, which is why I have decided that last night was my final venture into that territory. I've figured out his bar schedule I think--what days at which bars--so it's going to be easier to avoid him now. I think half of my motive in showing up at these places is to remind him of what he's missing out on--I dress up more than I used to now and tend to show up at bars with my guy friends. I'm lame. ](*,)

 

I just basically have to chant the mantra of: "I can't control what he does, only what I do", over and over everyday to keep me from doing these things. I know they do more harm than good. But like you said, I'm just having a hard time letting go so sometimes the emotions take over. I NEVER thought I would be this person, but love makes you do stupid stupid things.

 

Thanks for being honest, everyone.

[Clementine orange]

. I'm lame. ](*,)

 

I

 

No, you're human. Don't beat yourself up about it.

off topic kudo: I really like your writing actually, are you a pro? It seems to really flow, very refreshing to see that on a forum.

[giggle3474]

Honey I can understand why you are doing it but believe me when I tell you how badly you are hurting youself. To keep doing things like that is not only going to push him far far away if he were to find out, but it is keeping you from moving on. I can't imagine that you feel very good about yourself doing things like that. So spend your time doing things that make you feel good... and try to forget about him. If he's going to come back, it won't be because you tracked down his new Myspace account. (If you even want him back.) Spend your time taking care of yourself. Get a pedicure, get your hair done, get a massage... do something you wouldn't ordinarily do for yourself.

 

You should read the book "Why men love b*tches" . That book will really get you a look into why that behavior does not work and why it is not good for you. And it also tells you things that you can do instead of being psycho.

[knightingale]

No, you're human. Don't beat yourself up about it.

off topic kudo: I really like your writing actually, are you a pro? It seems to really flow, very refreshing to see that on a forum.

 

Wow, thanks! I'm not a pro, but I've dreamt of becoming one. I majored in Creative Writing for a while; writing is one of my favorite things to do. That's probably why I am so long winded when it comes to entries in forums, haha.

[knightingale]

 

You should read the book "Why men love b*tches" . That book will really get you a look into why that behavior does not work and why it is not good for you. And it also tells you things that you can do instead of being psycho.

 

I actually bought that book at one point . . . and got rid of it. I should probably give it another shot. I have another book called "Women Men Love, Women Men Leave". I've looked at a few of the chapters. I'm working on trying to be more independent in a relationship--I guess we'll see what all I've learned next time around with whomever. *shrug*

[audrey28]

first of all, i think you are doing the right thing by admitting what you have done instead of keeping it to yourself and being in denial.

 

next, it seems you know this behavior is unhealthy and you seem to want to stop it. again, good for u.

 

the real question now is, how?

 

some people find it helpful to journal endlessly, some people find it useful to have a closure ritual (e.g. writing a letter that you will not send out, and then burning it. important to note that the closure ritual does NOT involve the ex). some people try to find new interests in life. some people start to do things that empower them. some people go through the grieving process as though the ex is dead (e.g. remove him from your life completely and act as though you will NEVER see each other again). i say do all of the above. eventually, you will have more good days than bad. and the bad days themselves would be easier to deal with bec u know the good days are just round the corner.

[knightingale]

I'm really wanting to salvage a friendship out of all of this. We'll never be as good of friends as we were before getting together, but I'd like for us to be on good terms, at least. For the most part we are, we really are. He's had crazier exes, fortunately for me. That's one of the reasons I know I have GOT to get a hold of myself. I don't want to push him away. Yes, part of me hates him and knows it will take time to forgive him, but I do still love him, will probably always love him to some degree, so I don't want to just throw it all away. But right NOW it's what I HAVE to do. I cannot force a reconciliation at this point of any kind.

 

I've been running lately, getting involved with music again, want to start painting more, watch movies I haven't watched, read books I have neglected to read etc. There is plenty for me to keep me preoccupied. Like I told him in my last message, I need to start living as though this is the end of us forever. So I'll probably do all of the above. I need to do whatever it takes at this point.

[audrey28]

it is hard to accept that a person who was once very close to us is slowly becoming a stranger. it is hard to accept because it makes us feel everything we opened up for was for naught.

 

it is natural to want to keep the ties, but at what price? people who want to be friends are still hanging on to something and do not feel completely ready to move on. moving on means accepting that nothing about the relationship will ever be the same again. nothing. it is a fact of life and it does not seem to be pleasant but it will serve its purpose in letting us move on.

 

read this and hope it helps:

link removed

[ghostgirl116]

i came accross my ex's exwife's profile purely by coincidence. i looked at it. i've looked at it, i think three times. i don't anymore. i guess i was just curious, and don't feel too bad about it as she had used his password a while back and read my emails and messages to him and deleted them. and i know while she was doing that, she was blowing up my profile!

 

i can understand how it makes you feel to look. i felt a little foolish when i checked out her page. i won't go near his now. or hers, anymore either. it just makes me feel icky.

 

just stop doing it. drop all contact with him and let him do his thing. you'll feel so much better that you did.

[knightingale]

it is hard to accept that a person who was once very close to us is slowly becoming a stranger. it is hard to accept because it makes us feel everything we opened up for was for naught.

 

it is natural to want to keep the ties, but at what price? people who want to be friends are still hanging on to something and do not feel completely ready to move on. moving on means accepting that nothing about the relationship will ever be the same again. nothing. it is a fact of life and it does not seem to be pleasant but it will serve its purpose in letting us move on.

 

read this and hope it helps:

link removed

 

 

Yeah. He was actually the one in the beginning who was pushing for us to remain friends, contacting me first and saying over and over how he didn't want to lose me. Then he began to fill the void with someone else. He still kept saying it was hard on him (the break up), that he still loves me, that he doesn't want to hurt me etc. but that he was just going on with his life because he had to. Basically, he found someone who was willing to give him the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility--I'm not that kind of person in any respect and he knows this. Eventually I realized that he was basically keeping me on the back burner while he did his own thing with the new girl. That's why I blocked him and sent him my "goodbye for now" message. Last night was the first time in almost two weeks I'd seen him.

 

We may never reconcile as friends, I'll accept that in time. At this point, I need to at least salvage my dignity and respect, move on, and then see what happens from there. I at least want to get to the point where we can civilly say "hi" to one another in public places. Sigh. Break ups suck, haha.

 

Thank you for the blog link, it makes a lot of sense.

[summerpeach]

Psycho? Not at all

Immature. totally!

 

You said you can handle the truth, well that's the truth. I can see little girls of 15, 16, 17 or 18 acting this way, but not a 23 yr old grown woman.

Being hurt doesn't go away by stalking somene, it makes it worse.